Flicker (Defying Death Book 1)

by Courtney Houston

  We were both silent, staring at each other. His face had words written all over it, but he didn’t voice any of them.

  “So?” was all he said, when he finally spoke.

  “So…” I took a deep breath, mentally preparing for possibly one of the worst days in my life. My stomach was in knots, and I honestly thought I might throw up. “Gavin, I think we need to talk.”

  His face went from curiosity to perfectly blank. He had on his cop face. He never used his cop face on Jilsey and me—never. Can I really do this? Yes, yes you can. You have to do this. I saw the walls he was erecting every which way. I knew we had crossed a line that we couldn’t return to. I was about to lose one of my best friends, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  “This—” I was cut off by his cell phone ringing. He didn’t take his eyes off mine while he answered.

  “Hollow,” he said. His voice sounded pretty hollow, too, ironically enough.

  Whoever was on the other side of that phone was sure going on about something. It was a guy, I could tell that at least. Whatever he was saying, Gavin wasn’t too happy.

  “Thanks. I’ll be there.” He ended the call and tossed the phone onto the coffee table. Maybe toss was too light of a term. He threw the phone, and the back came off and the battery went flying across the floor in the process. “You were saying?”

  “Um...don’t you have to go?” I asked, half hoping he would say yes.

  “I do. But it can wait five minutes while you say whatever it is that you have to say.” His voice was cold and hard. He knew what I needed to say.

  “I think we need to re-evaluate our situation,” I said. That sounded so stupid. “I mean, a couple thing. Th-the c-c-couple thing…with us.” God, I was stuttering. I went to grab my ring and again remembered it was gone.

  “Go on,” he said, sitting back, crossing his arms over his chest, and watching me.

  “I don’t think we should do this,” I admitted, in a small voice.

  “Why?”

  Now, that was a loaded question. I could lie, but he would see through that and get even more upset than he already was. Or I could tell the truth, which would hurt him a whole lot more. Honesty was not always the best policy. I decided on a combination of the two, hoping that the truth would cover the small lie.

  “You and Jilsey are the only family I have,” I said, burying my face in my hands. “I don’t want to ruin that.”

  “Little late for that, Lina,” he bit out, and walked out of the room. Hell no, we’re talking. I followed him. “Maybe you should have thought about that before you decided to do this!” He was yelling now.

  “I wasn’t thinking!” I said. “I thought I could do it, but I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  “You know me, Lina,” he said, his voice a mixture of pleading and anger. Pleading with me to think about what I was saying—if I asked him right now to forget I said anything, he would, for a while at least—and anger that I’d kept it from him. He was packing a duffle bag with clean uniforms and plain clothes from the dryer. “Do you think I just thought one day ‘hey, let’s date Lina, maybe that’s a good idea’?”

  “No! I know you didn’t. Jilsey told me you talked to her about it—” Son of a bitch. I covered my mouth, as if that would keep him from hearing it.

  Gavin stopped moving and turned toward me.

  “Jilsey said what?” He had his grip so tight on the dryer door that I was sure it was going to crumble in his fist like a piece of paper.

  “Nothing. She didn’t say anything.” My blatant lie wasn’t lost on him, and it seemed to anger him more. My mind was telling my mouth to shut up, but my mouth was apparently not taking requests today. “I mean, she’s said stuff before about you, but never about us. Not until you had said something, at least.”

  Gavin stood and walked toward me. I backed up until my back hit the fridge, wanting to keep some distance between us. I briefly considered just walking away but knew he would only follow me until I answered him. Instead, I looked at my feet so I didn’t have to meet his eyes, see the pain I’d put there. He told Jilsey that in confidence, it was never meant for my ears. I’d be upset too, but he wasn’t mad about that, not really. He was mad at me, and turning this molehill into a mountain.

  “Lina, what did she say?” he asked.

  I could feel the hurt rolling off him in huge tidal waves crashing against me as he tried to cover it with anger. I didn’t answer him. So, he put two fingers under my chin and lifted my face so he could see it. He didn’t say anything, just raised his eyebrows. Waiting for an answer he wasn’t going to get

  “She didn’t say anything,” I repeated.

  “Do you honestly think lying to my face is the best possible move you could make right now?”

  A hysterical laugh bubbled in my chest and escaped from my mouth, adding insult to injury. “Do you honestly think there is anything I can say right now that won't piss you off further?”

  Gavin’s expression didn’t change as he held my gaze for a moment longer. He backed up, took a deep breath, and grabbed his duffel bag.

  “Where are you going?” I asked. From the phone call, I could gather it was something for work. But it wasn’t like Gavin—or any of us—to just leave without letting the others know where we were going.

  “None of your fucking business,” he said, grabbing his car keys and slamming the back door behind him, causing the glasses to rattle in the cabinets and my teeth to rattle in my mouth.

  The slam echoed through the kitchen. When his car squealed out of the driveway, I sagged with relief and took my first deep breath since I’d entered the house. Well, that went about as well as expected. A bottle of coconut rum on the counter caught my eye. Hello, old friend. I grabbed it and a Diet Coke from the fridge and made my way to my room, fully planning to wash away this day in sweet coconutty goodness.

  This day was absolute shit. Not only had I broken Gavin’s heart, but I also lost him as a friend. And once Jilsey listened to the voicemails that I was sure he’d leave on her phone, I was going to lose her as well. Ugh, fuck my life. I took a mouthful of rum from the bottle and didn’t even bother to chase it. Not enough. I took another mouthful. The reality of the situation was starting to sink in.

  I broke up with Gavin. He was never going to talk to me again. I was going to lose him forever. A heavy sob broke from my chest, and the tears started pouring from my eyes. I blinked them away just to see the picture of Jilsey, Gavin, and me from our camping trip last summer. We were covered in mud, glittering in the dark moonlight. Gavin took the picture, and you could only see from my chin up. We’re never going to have that again. Never. And it was all my fault.

  One of the most selfish thoughts I’d ever had came to me: Could I give it another chance? Eventually fall in love with him? Keep things the same? No. Even as I thought it, I felt sick to my stomach. Which could also be from the rapid succession of shots I’d been doing though, too. I pulled my phone from my back pocket and scrolled to Gavin’s number.

  My finger hovered over the send button momentarily before hitting it. I didn’t know what I expected. I certainly didn’t expect him to answer it. And he didn’t—it went to voicemail after the first ring. Hello, fuck-you button.

  “You’ve reached Gavin Hollow, leave a message, and I’ll call you back.”

  “Hey, it’s me,” I said, though I was not sure he could understand me through the tears. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. I love you, and you know that. I wish we could go back to New Year’s and forget this all happened, but we can’t. And I’m sorry, Gavin. Please, just don’t hate me forever.” I hung up before I could make a bigger idiot of myself.

  I buried my face in my knees and let the tears fall freely. When the tears finally dried up, I was alone again. As I opened my eyes, I was certain I saw a flash of black by my window. Telor? It was the first time I thought of him since I’d been home. A part of me wanted to believe that maybe he had been out
side my window. The other part of me knew how those movies ended. I took another swig and walked toward the window. Bottle in hand in case I needed an impromptu weapon.

  “Hello?” I said. “Is anyone there?”

  No one answered, thank fucking God. I let out a lungful of air when my bedroom door burst open. I screamed and dived to the other side of my bed, taking the rum with me. For good measure, I took a few liberal sips. It was starting to get to me, and my head was floaty and light.

  “You better hide!” Jilsey said. We seemed to be on the same page tonight as she was holding an open bottle of Jameson. Traitorous bitch, this was Kentucky, I was surprised they even sold that here. “I got off early because someone else wanted the hours and saw I have a voicemail from Gavin. Yay, he misses me. Wrong-O. Thanks for the fucking warning.”

  “He just barely left!” I said. “His voicemail would have been on your phone first anyways!”

  “He left two hours ago!” she yelled, coming to hunker down on the safe side of my bed with me.

  “Really? That long?” How did time fly so fast? “He was mad, Jilsey. Really mad. He got called into work right when I started to tell him. Everything just got so messed up. I mean, I didn’t expect things to go well, but… hell, I don’t know what I expected.”

  “What on earth could you have said to get that kind of reaction?” she asked, the bottle already at her mouth. “He left a ranting message about running my mouth to you about things he told me in confidence.”

  “I broke things off with him,” I answered. Explaining it to Jilsey was going to be easier, she never judged. Well, not us, at least.

  “You...why?” she asked, surprised.

  “Honestly?” I sighed. ”I didn’t feel anything. I used to, but something’s changed. I don’t know what, but it feels wrong to be with him. Like I’m cheating on someone who doesn’t exist.” That was the God’s honest truth.

  “I’mma guess that’s not what you told Gavin,” she said, guessing correctly.

  “No,” I said. “It’s not. I told him that I didn’t want to mess up our family dynamic.”

  “While I think you should have told him the truth, he shouldn’t have gotten so pissy with you,” Jilsey said. “It will blow over, and Gavin will love you just the same on the other side.”

  “That’s what I’m afraid of,” I said, more to myself, though I was sure Jilsey heard it.

  “Anything else going on you want to talk about?” she asked. She had that look—the one that parents got when they asked you a question they already knew the answer. “You can tell me anything. Absolutely anything.”

  “Like what, Jils?” I really didn’t know where this was going.

  “Just anything,” she said again. “Anytime you need an ear, for any reason. I’m here. No matter how crazy it sounds.”

  “Thanks, Jilsey.” No matter how weird that was, I was glad to know I still had someone on my side. For a moment, I considered telling her exactly what I was feeling, letting her decipher it with an outsider’s perspective. I didn’t though. If she thought I was crazy, I couldn’t handle it. So, I kept my secrets to myself.

  We sat in silence, drinking our vices for a little while. Jilsey seemed to be wrestling with something. Finally, she stopped chewing the hell out of her lip and said, “Gavin is up for promotion to detective.”

  “When did that happen? Why didn’t he tell me?” It hurt to know that Gavin had kept something this important from me. I had no right to feel that way, but I was drunk and didn’t give a shit.

  “Right before Christmas. He didn’t want you to be disappointed in him if he didn’t get it,” Jilsey said. “I’m going to go pee.” Thanks for sharing.

  I lay down on my floor, off the area rug. The coolness of the hardwood was comforting to my too-hot body. My eyes were getting heavy, and I knew that I should tell Jilsey I was going to bed, but I didn’t want to move. She’d see me. The floor was fine. I was fine. Everything would be fine.

  Telor 16

  I was a selfish man. Her heart was breaking for him, and all I could think of was that it was one less obstacle. She told Jilsey that it didn’t feel right to be with him. Could I have been the cause? The possibility that I’d entered her life and ruined the thing she had going with him was too strong for me to ignore.

  She had my ring, she could see me before her soul left her body, she was born on the same day I’d died—there were too many connections to be mere coincidences. That address in my phone was looking better and better, but I doubted he’d see me without her, and I was keeping her blissfully ignorant at the moment. She had passed out on her bedroom floor. Whether from the rum or the crying, I wasn’t sure, but she was going to feel this in the morning. Jilsey came back to her room and turned the light off when she saw her asleep, leaving Catalina be before crashing herself.

  I bloody knew better, but the urge to comfort her, even in this small way, was too strong to fight. I eased myself through her window and shut it quietly behind me. She was a deep sleeper; I doubted she’d wake up. I didn’t make a habit of hanging out around her window or breaking into her room, but I couldn’t be too careful when it came to Tori finding her. I was in the backyard when I heard her start crying. I tried to stay away, despite the churning in my stomach. That resolve didn’t last long, her pull on me too strong to ignore.

  I pulled the covers back from her bed and gently picked her up, placing her on her bed and covering her with the quilt. Beautiful—that was the only word I could use to describe her. Here she was, all tear stained, and it just made me want her more to see how deeply she felt for the ones she cared about. I tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear and ran my fingers over her cheek. The solid black star tattoo on the center of my wrist, the one that marked me as a Guide, was an all-too obvious reminder that I shouldn’t be here. That I didn’t belong in this world, or with her. As I was about to pull my hand away, she whispered something, and I froze.

  “Telor.”

  It was my name; she was saying my name in her sleep. She smiled, and I wanted to crawl into bed, hold her in my arms, and then slip away with the sunrise.

  “Telor,” she said again.

  If I didn't leave now, I was likely to stay all night. While I had no issue with that, I had to work in the morning. Waking up in her bed, uninvited, would not fare well for my position, either. Maybe I could afford to be a little extra nice to her tomorrow. One day wasn’t going to change things. Taking a last glance at her, I kissed her forehead quickly and left the way I’d entered. As always, the ache in my chest returned the minute I turned my back on her.

  There were things that needed to be done tonight, regardless of how utterly exhausted I was. I was hoping that she’d be safe at home for an hour or so. I fished my phone out of my pocket, along with a bag of Lucky Charms— eating was something that often got overlooked—and opened my text messages to find the one I hoped was from Denny.

  7809 Pine St. If my memory served me correctly, I was only a few blocks away.

  I hustled to the abandoned factory right on the edge of U-Saebo’s campus. It was the right address, but I couldn’t see an entrance anywhere. No lights, no people about, no cars. Fine. I could wait. I’d sit here all night if I had to. Although, I was beginning to rethink the thin jacket I was wearing, the air much too cold for something so light.

  Finding a crate I thought could hold my weight, I dragged it to the side of the building, intending on letting the brick wall act as a back to my makeshift chair. Before I could make use of my invention, a figure appeared from the side of the building carrying a bag. The way he held it, made it clear that it was not his. I jumped up and grabbed a piece of wood from a broken pallet that could easily be used as a weapon and stood at the ready.

  “Put your stick down, Guide,” he said, thrusting the bag out at me as he approached. The sleeve of his jacket pulled back slightly, revealing a tree tattoo on his wrist. While, my star marked me as a Guide for Death, his tree marked him as a Weaver for De
stiny. They basically worked in a sweatshop weaving the fabric of our lives. He had the arrogant aura that all Weavers seemed to possess. “Boss is busy. This should keep you satiated for a while.”

  “I need to talk to him, now!” I insisted, dropping the backpack. “It’s important, I can go to him, just tell me where.”

  “He’s aware, Mr. Conway,” he said. I didn’t like that he knew my name. “Mr. Smith said to tell you to take the bag, and the next time you attempt a meeting, you better make sure the girl is with you.”

  “Leave Catalina out of this,” I growled. “This is my doing, not hers.”

  “As if there is a differentiation anymore,” the guy responded, slinking back into the shadows and disappearing, ending our conversation rather abruptly.

  Catalina needed to stay as far away from this mess as possible. She was not made for this game. She couldn’t do what needed to be done, and I couldn’t ask her to. I wouldn’t. I jerked the bag off the ground and opened it; a motorcycle helmet, a set of keys, an address, and a phone number.

  “What the hell,” I muttered.

  My night was going to be a whole lot longer than I’d planned.

  Lina 17

  I was a selfish man. Her heart was breaking for him, and all I could think of was that it was one less obstacle. She told Jilsey that it didn’t feel right to be with him. Could I have been the cause? The possibility that I’d entered her life and ruined the thing she had going with him was too strong for me to ignore.

  She had my ring, she could see me before her soul left her body, she was born on the same day I’d died—there were too many connections to be mere coincidences. That address in my phone was looking better and better, but I doubted he’d see me without her, and I was keeping her blissfully ignorant at the moment. She had passed out on her bedroom floor. Whether from the rum or the crying, I wasn’t sure, but she was going to feel this in the morning. Jilsey came back to her room and turned the light off when she saw her asleep, leaving Catalina be before crashing herself.