Submissive Seductions

by Christine d'Abo

  I was able to feel the build-up of pleasure once more. Rather than chase it, I simply tried to experience it. Took note of how hard my nipples had grown as they rubbed against his chest hair. The jolt that went through me each time his body connected with my clit. Finally, I knew I was on the verge of release. I closed my eyes and let the orgasm crest until it spilled over. My moans echoed against Gareth’s body and rang loud in my ears.

  His thrusts increased in speed and intensity. His fingers dug into my shoulders, using my body as leverage. I held still, nearly holding my breath while I waited for him to come. Finally, he pressed his face against my throat, and let out a long, low growl as his body shuddered above mine. The full weight of his body descended against mine for a moment, and I took that opportunity to stroke his hair.

  Gareth wasn’t normally a talkative man during sex. Well, not unless he was giving me a bunch of directions to follow, but there was something different about the silence that fell between us now. He placed a kiss to my cheek, rolled off me with his hand holding the end of the condom.

  “Be right back.”

  It was weird. We’d both come. We’d both had the opportunity to explore one another’s bodies. Everything had been great.

  So, why did it feel as though something had gone terribly wrong?

  The rush of water from the bathroom was quickly followed by Gareth returning to the bedroom with a facecloth in hand. He gently nudged my thighs apart once more as he cleaned me up. It was by far the most intimate thing we’d done that night.

  “Hey.” I took his hand, ignoring where the warm, damp cloth fell. “That was nice.”

  “It was.” He smiled, but the spark wasn’t in his eyes.

  I took a breath. There was a sour taste in the back of my throat that I tried to swallow down, but that refused to go away. “Are you okay?”

  He laced our fingers together and cupped the top of my hand with his free one. “This was good for you? Was it normal enough?”

  Dammit. “It was good, yes. You say normal like it’s a terrible thing.”

  “Liz . . .” He closed his eyes and sighed. “You know I care for you. I love you. And those are words I never thought I’d say to another woman.”

  Tears began to build in my eyes. “I love you too.”

  “When Rachael and I first started engaging in BDSM, I never thought that it would become such an important part of who I am. It gave me permission to explore a part of myself that I held under wraps for most of my life.”

  Please don’t say it. Please just, can we do this together?

  “I’ve gone through a lot over the years. Had to reevaluate who I was as a person after Rache died. For good or bad, I’m a Dom. This is the lifestyle that I think suits me.”

  I closed my eyes. “I know.”

  “I don’t think I can give you what you want. I don’t think I can deny that part of who I am. Not if I want to be happy.”

  “I know.” The tears were soaked up by my pillow. “I’m sorry.”

  “No, I’m sorry.” He ran this thumb across the corner of my eye, brushing away the tears. “You know I would never be like Caldwell. Do something to hurt you. Really hurt you.”

  “I know you wouldn’t.”

  “So, what’s so wrong about continuing on? We’ve been good for four months. You even chased after me. Wanted me.”

  He was right. There hadn’t been anything about what we’d been doing that had bothered me. But I couldn’t get my head around the idea that despite everything we’d shared, there’d be a limit to what I’d be able to handle. The line between what we did in the bedroom and what our lives were outside of that would blur. I couldn’t do my job and live my life as a total submissive. As much as I clearly liked kink in the bedroom, as much as I wanted Gareth forever and ever, I didn’t know if this was simply a phase or who I really was.

  Opening my eyes, I looked right at Gareth. “You’re a good man. And I still want you.”

  “But?”

  “But I’m not sure if I can do this long term. I mean, what does it say about me that I enjoy giving up all my control to someone else? Anyone else? It’s like I’ve lost a piece of my identity. I don’t want to change who I am.”

  Gareth nodded. “There’s not much I can say to help fix that. Except to tell you that you haven’t. You’re still Liz. You still laugh and love those awful movies. You are a great friend, a loving partner, and a kick-ass pasta maker. I don’t want to lose you.”

  I didn’t want to lose him either. But I would be lying to both of us if I simply kept going forward with our relationship the way it was.

  Silence stretched on between us for a moment before I sat up and wiped my face. “So, now what?”

  “I don’t know. What do you want?”

  There was the million-dollar question if I ever did hear it. And the answer was something that neither of us would want to hear. “I think I need to take some time for myself. Figure things out.”

  Gareth nodded. “For the best. I’ll give you some space.” He reached out and took my hand in his. “I’ll miss you.”

  God, this was such a shitty idea. “I’ll miss you too.”

  “Lay back.” He gathered the strewn bedding and rearranged it so I was now comfortably tucked in. “Good night, Liz.” And he placed a kiss to my forehead.

  I never heard the door to the apartment close. I was too busy crying.

  CHAPTER 16

  “Jesus Christ, Liz. Will you get your ass out of the apartment?”

  Connie had stepped in front of the television, blocking my view of the cooking show I’d been watching. “Dude, you’re blocking Bobby Flay.”

  “Fuck Bobby Flay.” She crossed her arms and glared at me. “You haven’t left here other than to go to work in three weeks. You’re being a complete idiot and ruining my sex life. Stephen doesn’t want to do anything when he knows you’re here and upset.”

  I’d heard it from her before. Gareth cares for you. He’d never abuse you that way. You’re being an idiot. . . .

  “God, Liz.” Connie threw her hands in the air and marched back to the kitchen.

  I knew she was right. I knew in my heart that not seeing Gareth was only hurting me. But as much as my heart told me this, the logical part of my brain knew that if I couldn’t figure this out on my own, come to terms with the fact that yes, I’m a bit weird and like to be beaten during sex, then I would only bring doubt to our relationship. That would lead to hurt feelings and arguments. And that would lead to us hating each other.

  Yeah, that thought certainly didn’t get my ass off the couch.

  Bobby Flay eventually morphed into some show about food trucks, which got my stomach rumbling. Eating was probably a good idea. I pushed myself off the couch with great effort and sauntered to the kitchen.

  Connie was nowhere to be seen, which was a small blessing. I knew she meant well, but I couldn’t take her pressuring me either. I’d finished making my sandwich and had taken my first bite when Stephen came into the apartment.

  “Hey, Liz. Where’s Connie?”

  I nodded my head toward her bedroom and took another bite.

  Rather than disappearing immediately, Stephen joined me in the kitchen. I knew I was in trouble when he leaned against the counter beside me, his arms crossed and his gaze narrowed. “Are you still moping?”

  I swallowed hard. “I don’t mope.”

  “Please. If you were my sub I would have flogged you for lying that poorly.” He lightly shoved at my shoulder. “But I’m not. Your real Dom has been moping as well.”

  “Gareth doesn’t mope.”

  “Well, he’s been doing a pretty good impression of it down at the club for the past few weeks. Which reminds me.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, pressed a few buttons, and handed it to me. “Here you go?”

  “What the hell are you—”

  “Liz?”

  My mouth fell open and I glared at Stephen. “Gareth?”

  “I�
�ve done my best to give you space. I’ve reminded myself daily that things will never work between us if you don’t come to this on your own. I refuse to pressure you, but I need an opportunity to make a case for my side of things. If you are okay with it, I would like you to come down to Tail Whip so we can talk. It’s someplace public, neutral. You know it and know all the security that’s in place to keep you safe.”

  Gareth wasn’t normally much of a talker, so I knew there would be more to it than that. “Maybe.”

  “I’ll be there all night. From seven until close. If you don’t show up, then I know that we’re done, and while that will hurt, I’ll accept it. If you do come, I want you to wear the outfit that you did the night of the Dom auction.”

  Stephen held the phone steady against my ear, which I was suddenly grateful for. I was able to shove my shaking hand into my pockets. “Okay. If I come.”

  “Thank you, Liz.”

  I nodded at Stephen, who pocketed his phone. “You going to go?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.” I hated feeling so torn about something that had brought me so much joy. “I really miss him, and I don’t want him to change because of me, but I don’t know if I can do this.”

  “Why? You’d really started to embrace that side of yourself. No, it’s not for everyone. But it looked to be the thing for you.”

  “I’m not sure what that says about me.”

  “It doesn’t need to say anything. You’re consenting. He’s consenting. You can stop if and when you want to and he respects that.” Stephen wrapped his arm around me and gave me a quick hug. “I know that thing with Caldwell has you freaked. And it should. He took advantage of those women. He should be punished for what he did. But that has nothing to do with you and Gareth.”

  “Doesn’t it?

  “No, you and Gareth are in a relationship. You talk to one another, have more in common than just BDSM. It’s only a part of who you are, not the defining quality of either you or your relationship.”

  “I know—”

  “And,” Stephen raised his voice ever so slightly, “it’s important to remember that there are jerks out there who have no problem abusing women. They don’t use BDSM as an excuse for that.”

  “You’re right.”

  “I think you owe it to yourself to go. If for no other reason than so you’re certain that you’re walking away from him for the right reasons.”

  With one final hug, Stephen grabbed an apple from the counter and wandered off to Connie’s bedroom.

  Leaving me alone to make a decision.

  It was funny, but Gareth and I hadn’t come to Tail Whip all that often in recent months. While it had been the place where our relationship had started, it was still a place where I felt more of an outsider than a member. Plus, Gareth had all the toys a girl could possibly want. I wasn’t big into exhibitionism, so going to the club was a take-it-or-leave-it thing.

  The Tail Whip was in full swing by the time I’d arrived.

  Dance music thumped through the speakers, a primal rhythm beneath the sounds of sex. Laughter mixed with moans and the occasional crack of leather surrounded me as I made my way to the bar.

  My corset was stiff and pressed against the top of my jeans as I walked. The motion caused my breasts to shift beneath the stiff fabric, making my nipples hard. The air of the club was cool against my skin, dragging a shiver through me. It was odd being here alone. It felt as though I were on display, an offering for any Dom who might be interested.

  Not that I was. If I was going to go back down this road, there was only one man whom I’d even consider going on the journey with.

  I leaned against the bar and waited for the young woman to slide over to me. She was also wearing a corset, a black leather one that put her breasts on full display. She’d been around the club for as long as I’d been coming here. What the hell was her name? Stacey? Sara?

  “Sonya, can I get a glass of water?” I beamed when her name popped into my head. I really needed to make more of an effort to remember that sort of thing.

  “Sure thing.” She smiled as she filled the glass with ice before topping it up with water.

  The glass was cold and sweaty as I wrapped my hand around it. “Thanks. Hey, you haven’t seen Master Gareth by chance?”

  She winked at me. “He’s a hard man not to notice. You’re his sub, right?”

  “Something like that.” I honestly had no fucking clue what we were anymore.

  “Well, he was here earlier. I haven’t seen him in a bit, though, so God only knows where he is. Maybe check with one of the dungeon monitors. They’re better at keeping tabs on people.”

  Right. I should have thought of that. “Thanks, Sonya.”

  The dungeon monitors were men and women who kept an eye on the people at the club. They made sure that everyone was following the rules, that everyone was safe, and if anyone did have a problem, there was someone there to help. I had no idea if other clubs were like that, but it certainly made me feel safer.

  The few times we’d been here, I hadn’t really had any reason to speak to any of them. Gareth had always respected my limits, well, the ones that he knew I didn’t want to be pushed past. Now approaching the guy closest to me, I couldn’t help but feel a little nervous. “Excuse me.”

  The man had arms so big that I swore his biceps were larger than my head. ’Cause that’s not scary at all. “Hello, little lady. Is there a problem I can help with?”

  “Nothing bad. I’m just looking for Master Gareth. He asked me to come find him.”

  He nodded and flicked a switch on a cord hanging from his shoulder. “Duncan here. I have a little sub looking for Master Gareth. Any sightings?” Someone must have spoken because Duncan nodded. “Thanks.”

  I couldn’t tell you why I was so nervous. I hadn’t been forced to come here. This was purely my decision. And yet the moment Duncan smiled down at me, I developed a serious case of holy shit, I should totally just run syndrome.

  “Do you know where the private rooms are?”

  I should have known that’s where he would want to meet. “I do.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” The frown Duncan wore gave him an aura of menace. “Master Gareth is a good guy, but if you’re being pressured—”

  “Oh, God no. I’ve just been freaking out a bit recently. He’s been . . . well, really awesome.”

  Duncan nodded. “A lot of people have been off with all that shit in the news. Caldwell using our lifestyle as an excuse. I remember that he tried to get a membership here once but management kicked his ass to the curb.” Duncan leaned in, and despite the noise he lowered his voice. “Your Master Gareth is a good man. I know I’m not supposed to say stuff like this, but I don’t think you need to worry.”

  “I know.”

  “Well, you better get moving, then. Unless you’re in full brat mode tonight. In which case, take your time.” He gave me a wink and returned to his post.

  This was it. The point where I had to make a decision about me, Gareth, and where we were going to go from this point on.

  I took a breath. Then I took another. Finally I straightened my shoulders and made my way to the private rooms. The dungeon monitor at the entrance to the hallway nodded as I approached.

  “He’s in the Blue Room.”

  “Thanks.”

  The hall wasn’t long, but each step increased my nerves. It was a weird mix of excitement and fear, the pressure of not knowing exactly what Gareth had planned.

  No, not Gareth. Not here.

  This was Master Gareth and I better be ready to face him.

  The door to the Blue Room was shut. I knew the handle wouldn’t be locked, but I still hesitated to try it. I could still change my mind, walk away.

  Not that I would.

  Because memories of that first night came flooding back. Master Gareth giving me time to turn around and leave before things got started. His conversation with me, trying to learn who I was, wanting to make sure that I’d
get as much pleasure as I could out of the experience. Little did either of us know how much our lives were going to change as a result of that auction.

  “This is stupid.” I let out a huff, reached for the handle, and pushed the door open.

  Master Gareth was standing behind a chair that was positioned in the middle of the room. His black T-shirt fit just as well now as it had four months ago. The leather pants still hugged his thighs perfectly and made me promise myself to be better about going to the gym on a more regular basis.

  I stepped fully into the room and closed the door quietly behind me. I didn’t need to be told what to do, this wasn’t my first rodeo after all. Still, it was odd not having him giving me directions. I carefully pulled off my heels and walked them over to the bench along the side of the room. Things had changed a bit in here since the last time we’d played, but the details weren’t critical.

  Only Master Gareth was.

  “Leave the rest of your clothing on and come sit in the chair.” The edge of his voice left little room for negotiation.

  My jeans were a bit tight, so when I sat down on the chair I had to fight the urge to spread my legs. While it might have been more comfortable, sprawling would have given him the impression that I was relaxed. And I so wasn’t that.

  “I’m pleased you came. That you took your time deciding.” He remained behind me, speaking over the top of my head. “I think it’s time that we get back to basics. There’ve been some changes in your behavior recently that I’m not pleased with.”

  “Sorry, Master—”

  “No, no Master or Sir or anything. We’re not there yet. We are back at square one. The beginning. There are things we need to discuss and negotiate before I’ll agree to be your Master again. Understood?”

  “Yes.” I nearly didn’t cut off the Sir at the end of the sentence. It had become so natural, it felt as though a part of me were missing.

  “The night of the auction you were brand-new at this, but you took to things easily. I want to revisit that. I want you to think about your reasons for being here that night. What brought you to the charity auction?”