Never Knew Until You

by L E Royal

  Parker indulged herself, scrolling shamelessly through the pictures until the results became less and less accurate.

  Her thing with Kristina had seemed like the start of something good, and even though she’d not been able to bring herself to contact her, she hadn’t stopped thinking about her. Her cheeks pinked as she remembered how many times she’d touched herself while thinking about that night. She’d masturbated more in the last two weeks than she’d wager she had in the previous ten years. God, I was an idiot for running.

  Kristina had awoken something inside her, and she knew with dazzling clarity that she didn’t want to go back to sleep.

  Clicking away, she pulled up her email program. She already knew Kristina’s email address by heart, a side effect of the number of times she’d dug the card out of her purse to call, or just to remind herself it was real.

  Taking a deep breath, she typed.

  Dear Kristina,

  I apologize for the long delay in response. Some things came up which I had to take care of and threw me for a bit of a loop. Hope you can forgive me.

  I very much enjoyed our time together a few weekends back. Hoping we can meet again soon and finalize details to continue.

  Hope all is well with you and your company,

  Parker

  She reread the message, three times. It sounded stiffer than she had meant it to, formal. Running a nail across her lip, she thought for a second and then added a final line.

  P.S. I understand my long absence was probably unexpected. I’m happy to repent for my sins as needed.

  She smashed the Send button before she could change her mind, completely terrified and absolutely elated with herself.

  “MA’AM, DO YOU need help?” The assistant called out to her again.

  “I’m fine, thank you.”

  She lay there, looking up at the plain white ceiling in the store. Definitely too firm.

  With an effort, she pushed herself up, took three steps to the left, and flopped down onto the next mattress. If she was going to spend an obnoxious amount of money on a new bed, she was going to try them all out first and make sure it was right.

  She was hoping Kristina would have called by now. She’d gone home from campus giddy last night, excited again, finally sure in her decision to continue things with her.

  All day today she’d thought about calling, going as far as saving Kristina’s number in her cell. Yet every time she almost pressed to dial, she stopped herself. She needed to play it cool, wait. Kristina was a professional; she was probably busy with her company. She would call when she had time; Parker was sure of it.

  This mattress was too soft—she felt like she was being absorbed.

  She pushed herself up again and plopped down on the next one. She had a hard time trying not to imagine again what Kristina might think when she read the last line of that email. As much as it made her anxious, she was glad she’d said it. A smile turned up the corners of her lips.

  She had an even harder time not remembering Kristina’s words that morning outside the house… She’d never been spanked, but the dark in those eyes, the rough note in her voice, led Parker to believe they would both enjoy the experience, very much.

  She steered her mind back to the task at hand. This one is good.

  Sitting up, she bounced a few times. Not too bouncy, but bouncy enough.

  She stood, looking down on the mattress, almost laughing at herself as she wondered if Kristina would be the one to break it in with her. Do I want to do that at my house?

  Before she had been so worried about having Kristina in her home, making it real in that way, but somehow now, she liked the thought. A little thrill of excitement shot through her.

  She had missed Kristina. She was excited to get to know her more, to continue whatever they had begun.

  “Sir…” She waved over the associate. Even the slightly ridiculous price tag on the mattress couldn’t ruin her good mood.

  “Found the one?”

  She nodded politely and followed him to the register, where she swiped her card with glee. Amanda was practically paying for this too. God bless alimony.

  They set delivery for later that day. Stepping out into the winter sun, Parker rummaged through her purse for her cell, eager to tell Marion they were having a bonfire in her backyard this weekend. Lily was going to have to get creative to get that old bed to burn.

  She unlocked her car and swiped to unlock her screen as she slid into the driver’s seat. Her heart jumped. She had an email.

  When she clicked the notification, butterflies spilled into her chest, because the email was from Kristina Diaz.

  She opened it.

  Parker,

  Pleased to hear you are doing well. I had wondered where you got to. Unfortunately, after such a long absence I’d assumed you had gone back to your wife, or changed your mind about exploring things between us any further.

  I had a meeting a few days ago with a new potential partner and we agreed to move forward.

  My apologies.

  Kristina Diaz.

  Just like that, the high Parker had found shattered. Shame burned acidic in her gut, rejection tasted like bile in her mouth.

  Of course Kristina—gorgeous, successful, amazing Kristina—had moved on. Parker could already imagine her new partner. Young, fit, pretty—everything Parker wasn’t, and the new one probably came without all the baggage that accompanied her too.

  She jammed the keys into the ignition and turned on the engine, swiping roughly at the tears that had spilled onto her cheeks.

  Chapter Six

  “YOU’RE MOPING.”

  “I’m not moping!”

  Parker pulled the blanket over her head and lay back on her sofa. Maybe if she ignored her best friend, she would go away. Another week had passed since the embarrassing email fiasco. Before, she had been so scared to make another bad decision. Now she was just furious with herself for taking so long to decide that she had missed her chance with Kristina completely.

  “Parker Anne Freeman. Get your ass off the sofa, get up those stairs, and get your butt ready to go out!”

  God, Marion was being annoying. She’d showed up fifteen minutes ago already dressed, hair beautifully curled and a bottle of vodka in her hands, triumphantly declaring they were going to ladies’ night.

  Parker didn’t want any of it.

  “It’s cold outside.” She sounded petulant, she knew, but she just really didn’t want to do this. She didn’t feel like being the oldest person in the bar tonight. Marion didn’t count because she was married. “And I hate the Clam Dive. It’s tacky.”

  Marion laughed.

  “Oh no, Amanda hated the Clam Dive. She said it was tacky and didn’t want you going there. In hindsight it was probably so you didn’t end up running into her in there when she was supposed to be out of town. Now…”

  The blanket was whipped off her head, and Parker stared up into the defiant dark eyes of her oldest friend.

  “Up… Dressed… We’re going out. If you can’t do it for you, do it for me. Lily is watching Roland; I’m off starting tomorrow for two whole days in a row. I’m freaking free, and we are going to have a good time.”

  Bitter, Parker took the offered hand and let Marion pull her to her feet.

  “I hate you.” She grumbled as she passed Marion to head to the stairs.

  “Hate you too. I’ll be up in a minute with some glasses.” She waved the bottle in her hand gleefully, and Parker could already feel the headache she was going to have tomorrow beginning.

  “YOU NEEDED AN intervention!” Marion’s voice was slightly raised so she could be heard over the music. Admittedly, Parker did feel better. One of her favorite deep-red dresses looked amazing on her, her bare arms softly shaped once again, her stomach flatter, legs more toned—even she had been surprised looking at herself in the mirror. Running and watching what she ate, taking care of herself, was finally paying off.

  “I can’t say I’m
not glad we came.” She offered Marion a grateful smile, leaning back on her stool to catch the bartender’s eye and gesture for two more.

  She did feel better, hair carefully styled around her shoulders, hoop earrings, eye makeup a few shades darker than she’d usually dare. The hum of liquor buzzed pleasantly through her veins. She did like the Clam Dive. Fuck Amanda.

  “To new beginnings!” Marion clinked their glasses, and Parker took a healthy sip of whatever vodka cocktail they’d been drinking.

  “Oh…” The mischief in her best friend’s voice instantly caught her attention. “Young, tan, and gorgeous coming through the door.” She watched Marion watch whoever she had spotted, not wanting to get caught staring.

  “Maybe we should be looking for middle-aged, cute, and attainable?”

  Marion swatted her arm, and she couldn’t help but giggle. I feel good. Taking another long sip of her drink, she turned on her stool slightly, following Marion’s line of sight.

  All the alcohol in her bloodstream froze, and she snapped back to face the bar.

  “Marion…that’s her.”

  “That’s the spirit! You’re here, you’re hot, and forty is the new twenty, and-”

  Parker cut her off.

  “No, M. That’s Kristina.”

  “What?” Marion whisper-hissed, turning back to her. “That…is Miss Perfect, goddess in bed, slightly kinky but treats you with respect and you liked it?”

  Parker drained her glass.

  “Oh, looks like she’s with someone.” Her best friend’s voice turned apologetic.

  “That’s probably the new me. The person she’d already made an arrangement with by the time I got back to her.”

  She was still tipsy, but somehow, it wasn’t as fun anymore.

  Marion ordered four shots, but Parker just wanted to leave.

  “Okay. She’s not seen you yet. So here’s what we’re going to do.”

  Parker closed her eyes and took a deep breath, ready to tell Marion all she wanted to do was go home and start on the ten bottles of water she knew she was going to have to down before bed to curtail a raging hangover.

  “Parker, you give up too easily! She moved on, so what? Tonight you’re going to drink, dance, find someone new, and make her regret passing on you for some little blonde bimbo.”

  “Oh my God, is the new one young?” She couldn’t help but ask. Marion’s face betrayed the answer.

  “Less talking, more shotting.”

  They clinked the tiny glasses, and Parker tossed the shot back. It burned all the way down. She had barely gotten over the taste when the next was slid across the bar to her. She downed it before she could change her mind.

  “Okay, they’re heading this way, so get your game face on.”

  She panicked. Marion was smiling at her, soft and absolutely fake though to all the world it would look genuine.

  “Laugh right now or I’ll wave her over here.”

  She did, with murder in her eyes.

  “She’s at the other side of the bar, sweetie. She sees you.”

  Parker kept her eyes glued to Marion’s face, afraid to look anywhere else. Marion had always been a good actress, always known how to play things in college to make sure they both got the girl.

  “Oh yeah…” Marion laughed softly, looking down at her drink and then back to Parker. “She’s still into you.”

  Something spilled into her chest. Parker didn’t dare to recognize it as hope. Suddenly brave, she went to order another drink. When she turned in her seat to find the bartender, her eyes landed on Kristina’s dark ones.

  She looked good. Her long hair was softly curled, and the thin straps of her dress displayed her collarbones and toned arms beautifully. Earlier in the night, the prolonged eye contact might have made her blush, but with the liquor making her bold she held those dark eyes easily, finally offering her a smile before she was the one to look away.

  I can do this.

  “Welcome back…”

  Marion bumped her shoulder, and they laughed. This time it was real.

  They talked at the bar. Parker didn’t even remember what the conversation had been about. Her eyes were never far from Kristina. The pool table had come free, and she had been dominating it ever since.

  The woman with her was young, probably only a few years older than Kristina herself, bottle blonde, and Parker guessed she was attractive. Somehow next to Kristina she was just plain.

  Everything in her stomach was knotted tight. She nodded absently along with whatever Marion was saying, her eyes caught on the bare skin of Kristina’s back, exposed by the low swoop in the fabric of her dress. She still remembered her fingers pressed there.

  Kristina’s dark eyes flashed to her, catching her gaze, and she felt Kristina’s smugness that she was watching.

  “Parker…”

  Kristina bent low over the table, deliberate. The hem of her dress was riding high up the back of her thighs.

  “Parker.”

  She snapped her eyes back to Marion.

  It was only when she went to reply that she realized her bottom lip had been caught between her teeth. She was sure she’d been biting it so hard there would be an indent left behind.

  Marion’s eyes flicked back toward the pool table and then landed on Parker’s, heavy with an intent that was familiar in a way she couldn’t place.

  “She’s watching…” Marion pushed up from her stool, slow and deliberate, and Parker’s stomach rolled. “Brace yourself.” The words were almost a whisper, and God this was always so weird, and it had been years since they’d done this last.

  Fingers skimmed her cheeks, and her best friend stepped into her space. She closed her eyes, already knowing what was coming.

  Marion’s kiss was different now. It started out slower; every press of her lips was deliberate, so different than the messy passion she’d known in the six confusing months they’d mistaken friendship for love in college.

  It was a well-practiced dance, a routine she half remembered, and God bless Marion, she was going for it. She shoved Marion’s tongue out of her mouth with her own. As much as she knew it was meaningless, she still felt bad for LiLing. The woman was a saint, and she had put up with so much from both of them through the years.

  She tried to imagine Kristina’s eyes on them, imagine her jealousy, imagine that rich, dark voice. You’re mine.

  She heard Marion’s breath catch as she twisted her fingers in her hair. Marion stayed close to her when they parted, studying her face, though Parker sensed the effort it was taking her not to shudder.

  “You owe me…” She leaned in and kissed her one more time, soft and slow, and Parker struggled not to laugh.

  “I’m going to wash my mouth out first this time, since this one was for your benefit…” she quipped.

  Marion stepped away with one last long look at her, and Parker fought the urge to wipe her mouth as she watched her best friend make a beeline for the bathroom. Oddly enough, the last time they had done that was the night Marion had met LiLing.

  She turned back to the bar, a smug little smile on her face, a smolder in her eyes. When they sought out Kristina, she was vindicated.

  Those dark eyes were on her, burning. Kristina’s knuckles were white around the pool cue, and Parker saw her swallow, hard. Even in the increasingly crowded space, for just a second, there was only the two of them in the world. Good.

  The bartender slid another drink across the smooth surface to her with a wink, and she felt powerful, fixed, herself in a way she hadn’t, in so long.

  “Oh we got her, all right.”

  Marion slid down beside her and took the glass from her fingers as she lowered it from her lips. She took a long sip herself.

  Parker stood from her stool.

  “Going to cleanse yourself of the gross?”

  She nodded. She loved Marion, but kissing her still felt how she imagined kissing your sister would.

  The bar spun around her for a second as
she stood. She laughed it off.

  Kristina’s jealous.

  She moved through the bar, aware of the eyes that followed her. A woman in a booth stepped in front of her, short cropped hair and glasses, offering to buy her a drink. Her heart soared, but she politely declined.

  By the time she reached the small bathroom, she was smiling. The woman who greeted her in the mirror was vibrant. Maybe it was the alcohol, but her eyes were shining, big and bright, and her blonde hair was a rich gold against her slightly flushed complexion. She filled her dress in a way she hadn’t in years, and her dark lashes set off her crimson lips in a way she loved. She was back.

  “Parker.” The door opened, letting in the sound of the music, and she turned. Kristina stood there as it closed again behind her, dark eyes alight.

  “Kristina, how are you?” Parker turned back to her reflection, fixing her already-perfect hair.

  “I’m…” She paused, and Parker watched her in the mirror. “I’m glad you were able to reconcile with your wife after all.”

  “Oh, that’s not my ex-wife.”

  For the first time, it felt truly good to call Amanda that. Kristina seemed to falter.

  “You move quickly.” She seemed to recover herself, stepping up to the mirror beside the one Parker was using. She watched her reach up to run a thumb beneath her lower lip.

  “So do you. I see you brought your new…partner.” Parker was careful to keep the malice out of her voice.

  Kristina turned to her. Parker gripped the cool porcelain of the sink.

  “My arrangement with Becca isn’t going to work.” Kristina’s voice spilled into something dark. “And if that woman isn’t your ex, would it be bold of me to assume that kiss was for my benefit?”

  Parker’s heart jumped in her chest. Marion would be mad at her for tipping her hand, but fuck it. She didn’t want to play games; she just wanted her.