My Only Reason (A Love is Love Book Book 1)

by Leigh Lennon

  We must be done talking because his large hands find my erection, eliciting a long mewl from my lips when he covers my mouth with his.

  The touching, petting, and kissing continue for another hour. We don’t go any further than another hand job, reciprocated by the other, and as if it’s normal to crawl into bed with this man, Crush runs out to the living room to grab our bags. We take turns brushing our teeth, and afterward, with me in his arms, he holds me tight. And that’s when I remember how tired I truly am and fall asleep peacefully in his embrace.

  14

  Crush

  Have I just woken up next to Ryder—my best friend and the man I’ve always loved? His five o’clock shadow is sexy and certainly more pronounced than yesterday. His one leg is bent and turned to the side. It looks uncomfortable as fuck, and he has a smaller pillow pulled over half his face.

  It’d been weird going to bed last night with him, and I thought we’d be breaking my bed because I planned to make up for the lost time. We’re two large men, and it will be a test to see if it withstands the two of us going at it. But something has been screaming within me since I revealed my true feelings just last night. And I don’t want this to plateau into only sex.

  My eyes stay trained on the beautiful man near me. This is really happening. This is all I’ve wanted since I could admit I’m into men. I’d tried to take the leap, but with all the girls I brought home over the years, nothing stuck, and I now understand why this had been the case. Women don’t do it for me anymore. But more importantly, I only want Ryder.

  My mind is on all things Ryder when a pillow gets slung my way. “You’re staring at me, you big old freak.”

  It’s true. I’m sitting up in bed, memorizing everything of Ry. His long, lean body that’s just a couple of inches shorter than me. I don’t miss the sprinkle of hair leading down to his boxers or the dimple on his chin.

  “Yeah, I can stare at you all day, pretty boy.” And Ryder has always been pretty. There’s nothing rugged about the man—from his perfectly manicured nails to the eyebrows I can guess are waxed regularly, all the way to the loud suits he wears on game day. But this has always been him. Even before he came out of the closet a year ago.

  “Hey, I want to kiss you, but I won’t do this until I brush my teeth,” he explains, pushing back against the headboard. “I’d love for you to join me in the shower, if you could.”

  I don’t care about morning breath, but I don’t kiss him on the lips. I lean into him, pecking him on the cheek. “Okay, go brush your teeth. I need to call the anti-Christ.” His face contorts into what I know is worry. “I call her every morning to check on Brooklyn. It’s what we’ve always done. If I don’t call between nine and ten on the weekends, she ignores my calls.”

  He leans forward on his knees and gives me a peck on the forehead. “You’re one fucking awesome dad. You know this, right?”

  “I try. And I tried for years with Al, simply for Brooklyn. I grew up with both my parents, and I wanted the same thing for her.”

  He leans back, dropping his feet on the cold wood floor of my cabin. I wonder if I hurt his feelings because if I had stayed in an unhappy marriage, I wouldn’t be with him right now.

  “You know, sometimes the best thing you can do for a child is to give her two happy homes.” He’s speaking from experience. “Look how screwed up my life was, both my sister and me. Now, neither one of my folks has a relationship with us. I get it, doing the best thing for your kid, but I prayed one of my parents would leave the other.”

  He circles the foot of the bed, coming back my way to sit down next to me. “You’re a good father and not because you had to leave your loveless marriage; you’re a good father by showing her you can overcome obstacles in your life. So, don’t ever doubt yourself, Christopher Colton. She’s going to thank you one day.”

  I’m not sure how he does it, but he’s always been the cup is half full kind of guy, showing me all the good in my life and in the world. His arms encircle me, but when they do, it’s a while before they let go, and I sit in the peaceful comfort of his embrace. And I love it.

  “Call your daughter and join me when you’re done.” His bare ass has my eyes following him into the bathroom, and I dial Alison’s number.

  I hate calling her, but I love my daughter. Hitting her name on my phone, she picks up on the third ring. “Oh, good, you called me.” Alison doesn’t say hello or anything along the lines of pleasantries. “I wanted to talk to you about the party. Can I come by your house this afternoon to go over the plans?”

  Alison wants to ruin my day. She’d fly through the roof if I casually mentioned I wanted to come over and discuss something like this with her.

  “Oh, Al, I have it. I hired someone to come in and decorate. I have the party catered, and my mom wants to make the cake. You know how she is. So I think it’s under control.”

  “You what?” Her scream is so loud I wonder if Ry can hear her in the shower.

  “Al, your exact words were, hey, can you do the party for Brooklyn at your house. You asked me to send out the invitations and gave me a list of the stuff you wanted. I assumed it all fell on me.” I know my ex-wife. She complained every time we had a party at our house because she had to host it and never could enjoy herself. “Listen, I assumed you never get to just relax at one of Brooklyn’s parties. So think of it this way. She wanted mermaids, which works with my pool, and she wants steak, mashed potatoes, and green beans.”

  She huffs in the background. “You’re serving steak to kids?”

  “Well, I’ll have hamburgers and hot dogs, too.”

  I attempt to take a calming breath when my attention falls on the man in only a towel with trickles of water falling down his chest. He whispers, “Things okay?” Fuck Alison and her bitch-like ways. I missed out on a shower with a naked Ryder.

  I shrug my shoulders because I don’t know how to answer.

  “Who’s there?” How could she hear Ry when I barely could.

  “It’s the TV. It went off mute,” I lie because this would cause her head to spin like Chucky. “Listen, Al, if you want to do everything yourself, then I’ll cancel the caterers, the decorator, and the cake. No skin off my back. But if you want to enjoy our daughter’s party without the worry of everything, I have it. The choice is yours. Now, onto Brooklyn. How’d she sleep last night?”

  Ryder gives me a broad smile, which I’ll loosely interpret as him thinking my ex is quite the bitch. On this, we will always agree.

  Talking with Al and then Brooklyn takes longer than I expected as my daughter tells me about the movie Mommy’s new boyfriend took her to. Dealing with Alison’s shit is nothing if I can hear the excitement in Brooklyn’s voice like this every single time I call her.

  I’m a little frustrated my shower with Ry has been thwarted, and he’s no longer near me when I get done chatting with Brooklyn. I need time to decompress because my ex takes it out of me. I’m in a pair of shorts after cleaning up, and I go on a search for Ry. Music, something I recognize as either Nirvana or Pearl Jam, is playing on the back porch. “Hey, where’d you run off to?”

  He’s on the back deck with a carafe of coffee and a stack of blueberry pancakes with all the fixings. I sit next to him, but he’s simply staring out into the woods.

  “I heard your end of the conversation and had to leave. I’m seething mad at the way she treats you.” His tone is not the carefree Ryder I’m used to.

  Pouring my coffee, I mutter, “I’m used to it. It’s just how Al is. But hell, you’ve known her as long as I’ve known her, man, and you called her on her bitchy ways years ago. So maybe I should have listened to you.”

  “Yeah, but you shouldn’t have to. She makes trouble to make trouble. If you’d left the party to her to plan, she’d complain she always does the work. And then if you had tried to meet her halfway, you wouldn’t have taken the initiative. I mean, hell, you can’t win for losing.”

  Al never put me first, so I want to relish
in this. “It’s sweet you’re mad on my behalf.” It’s natural to want to reach for him, and I can in our privacy.

  “I’m more than mad. I’m fucking pissed. It’s a good thing I wasn’t around. It’s why I removed myself from the room and took my frustration out on these pancakes.”

  “Well,” I begin, “I have to say, I love walking out here with a view of you. And I didn’t think I was starving until right now.”

  “And can I just add…” He pauses for dramatic effect, apparently not ready for the change in subject. He still seems like he has more to get off his chest in regard to Alison. “She ruined us taking a shower together.”

  I give him both a grimace and a chuckle. “She sure as shit did, pretty boy.”

  “Hey, let’s eat. Then we can go on a hike or even do that awful thing you do with a pole and fish. If we get dirty, then we have an excuse to shower again.”

  I grab his hand. “You have a fucking brilliant idea, Ry. It may be one reason I keep you around. Well, and your sexy as fuck ass.”

  “Eat up. You’ll need your energy after the shower.”

  Part of me wants to skip the fishing and hike and go straight to the shower. But then again, I’m building something with Ry. Something I’ve wanted since he walked out on me years ago. This time, I won’t ever let him leave easily again.

  We’re sitting in a comfortable silence this afternoon after our little fishing endeavor. He’s working on a crossword puzzle on the end of the couch. I lie on the rest of the space with my feet over his lap, reading the newest David Baldacci book. A thought hits me when I finish one of the chapters. “Hey, did I mention my mom and dad are flying in for Brooklyn’s birthday?”

  “Yeah, and I’m excited to see them. If I don’t get a tongue-lashing of a lifetime from your mama,” he replies.

  “You’ll get a tongue-lashing, but you’ll also get the biggest hug afterward. I’m not ready to share this with my parents, though.”

  His gaze collides with mine. “I told you we can go at your pace.” But with this conversation, it’s time to share more about me.

  “Ry, my dad knows about me.”

  “Wait, what are you talking about?” His body stiffens.

  “I was so wrecked after you left that I told my dad about the kiss and how it affected me more than I thought it should. He was his supportive self, like he always is. He’d told me that we’re lucky to find love once in our life. And if you were the person for me, fuck the draft. I was packed and had a ticket in my hands, then Alison showed up on my front porch pregnant. I couldn’t leave my child without trying. Then I told myself it was confusion. My father stood by my side every step of the way, telling me I could be a dad but still choose you. I had to try for Brooklyn. So, when I showed up at your house, when you moved here, I was just as mad at myself as I was with you.”

  His features soften, and he stalks over to my body, straddling me, his hand sweeps up to my cheek.

  “You’re not mad? I should have shared this with you, but there was so much I hit you with and…”

  “You told your dad you thought I was the only one?” Ryder asks, and his eyes are solely focused on me as everything around us has faded.

  I swallow hard. “Are you mad?”

  “Mad you put your daughter before me? Fucking never. Sad we lost six years because neither one of us could communicate? Yeah, but who knows where our path would have taken us. But it just solidifies that we’re meant to be.”

  I stifle a laugh. “I’m sorry, pretty boy, but solidifies? It’s not what I was expecting.”

  His hand on my cheek moves down to flick my nipple. “See, I’m not the only one who can hurt you for being a smart-ass.”

  “Fuck, Ry, you’re speaking my love language.” His lips crash on mine, and with each little mewl he lets out, I need everything from him.

  His knees dig into each side of the couch, and he pushes back to unzip my shorts. My eyes roll back in my head, and when I expect to feel his hands working my shaft, his tongue touches the tip of my cock instead, and I let out a long hiss.

  His hands coddle my balls, and with his tongue on the back of my shaft, I almost forget to breathe. “You’re ruining me.”

  He pulls his lips off my cock. “Yeah, ruining you for what?”

  “Anyone else.”

  He’s in deep contemplation. “Oh, fuck, big country, I ruined you a long fucking time ago. I’m just making up for the lost time.”

  Ry’s mouth is back on my cock before I can think of a reply. My fingers find his thick hair, and he’s between my legs. Even though I’m so fucking close, I’m hoping to hold my orgasm off, but when his teeth scrape gently up my cock, I’m ready to blow it all in his mouth. And I do.

  He licks every bit off me, and I’m lost in the connection we’ve just shared. He pulls me from the couch. “I think we need a redo on the shower we missed earlier today.”

  Once he’s on his feet, he extends his hand to me, and I take it, following him into the bedroom.

  “You call me pretty boy, but you’re the one with all the girlie fragrances in here,” Ry teases, wrapping his arms around my waist.

  My tone dips low. “Tell me, pretty boy, when you were palming my erection, was there anything girlie about me?”

  His moan prompts the erection I was talking about. He’s silent at first. “Hell, babe, you’ll have to deep throat me if you continue to talk to me like this.”

  “That’s not a fucking problem, Ry. I can’t not touch you. I can’t not think about all the time I have to make up for. I just can’t not….” His lips reach for my neck, then back to my face. “Pretty boy, it’s okay. Now fucking kiss me, why don’t you!”

  My lips don’t crash to his. I need to relish him, as if he may evaporate before my eyes. I kiss one cheek, then the other, working my way down his neck. It’s time to drop to my knees. Tipping my head to his face, he’s bracing himself for what he thinks may be coming. But I slip my hand around his rear and push one finger into his ass.

  “Ah, fuck, man. I wasn’t expecting that.” I move my finger away for a split second. This is not something I’ve done except to myself when I’d imagine Ryder’s fingers and cock in my own ass.

  “Please don’t fucking move.”

  I multitask when I swirl my lips around the tip of his dick. I don’t have lube, so I’m careful, but the water works. I can’t wait until I’m able to fuck him here, but for now, I take pride in how I’m pushing him to full ecstasy as he paints the shower stall with his cum. I push to my feet, holding him tight to my body until the water turns cold. We towel dry, but I don’t want him to cover himself.

  “Come lie with me in bed,” I ask. He pulls the comforter and sheets back, then crawls in next to me.

  “What’s on your mind?” Ryder asks, and he leans in and kisses the top of my head. “If we’ve learned anything, we need to be honest to build something between us.”

  “I think the longer we went apart from one another, the more I could admit to myself I wanted you. But then again, since I’d never admitted to anyone else I liked guys, besides my father, I wasn’t sure I could pick up the phone and say, ‘hey, remember six years ago when you kissed me? I think I’m ready for your dick now.’”

  His eyes widen. “Now those words would have gotten my attention,” Ry quips.

  “And after I saw you with that reporter dork.”

  Ry is back to cupping my face. “It’s been you all the time. I never committed. I couldn’t. I never thought this was a possibility. I don’t have to think when it comes to you.” He kisses my nose.

  “Babe, as far as your parents or the rest of the fucking world goes, we don’t need to label what is happening with us right now. Let it build organically, and we’ll deal with what to tell others when it’s time. We don’t need to complicate us.”

  My arms encircle his neck. “You’re a smart man, Ryder Hanley, and to think you don’t read books either,” I deadpan.

  There’s a pleasant sting as
he slaps my arm. “The book always ruins the movie, dickhead.”

  I’m staring at his features while internally laughing at his hatred of picking up a book and reading it. But I’m lost in this moment.

  “What?” My gaze is locked on his face, and he wipes at it as though there’s something on it.

  “This, whatever this may be between us, is all I’ve wanted. It’s important to me. You’re important to me, Christopher, and you always have been.”

  “Is there a but in there, pretty boy?” I ask, brushing my lips over his.

  “No, not really, but if there’s one, it would be I don’t want to rush us. I mean, I’m assuming…” Ryder trails off. I know where he’s going with this.

  “You’re right—I’ve not been with another man, but can you ever see me as a…?”

  It’s Ryder’s turn to interrupt me. “A bottom, fuck no, so you can top me whenever you want to, babe. But this isn’t a quick fuck or a friends with benefits thing. I’m in it with you.” Ryder delivers his words in a deep throaty tone, and it makes me want to claim is ass sooner rather than later.

  “I’m happy just being around you, but if you think I don’t want to have crazy and passionate sex, you’re sorely mistaken,” I retort. My eyes watch Ry’s expression with my declaration and catch the time on the clock. “Ah, fuck, baby. If I don’t get our dinner started, we’ll go to bed starving,” I explain.

  I hold him tighter with his lips at my ear. “Well, I’m a hungry man.” He nips my neck as he continues, “And hungry for many things tonight.”

  15

  Ryder

  He held me all night. We weren’t hands-off—not with several more blowjobs on both our parts. He’s not ready for much more, and because I’ll always do what’s best for Crush, I don’t push. And the weekend goes too fucking fast.