Rosie came to join me. Not the baby Rosie I’d known, but a child the age Rosie would have been if she’d lived. An adorable, nine-year-old with a head of tousled red curls.
“Hi, sis,” she said. She sat next to me, swinging her legs. She had a bucket of popcorn with her, the kind sold in movie theaters, and she offered some to me. I shook my head, thinking about all the fat and calories in the butter, but then I remembered I was dead, so it didn’t matter. I grabbed a handful and scarfed it down. Rosie grinned at me.
We sat in silence for a moment as the nurses struggled to resuscitate me. They had transferred me to another bed so they could use a defibrillator to jumpstart my heart. My body arched in a huge spasm each time they did it. It was hard to watch. Josh held Zoe as she sobbed. Maria tried to help the nurses, but she looked terrified too. I was detached from the whole experience, like watching an episode of a hospital drama on television.
Rosie sighed as she looked at her popcorn. “You have to go back, you know.”
“Why?” I didn’t want to go back. I liked sitting here with her.
“Several reasons. Mom, Dad, Nick, your friends. There is also the little matter that this wasn’t your time. You sort of skipped line.”
“Sorry,” I said. It sounded a bit garbled because I’d shoved a handful of popcorn into my mouth. This no calorie eating thing was definitely a perk to being dead.
“You did it for the best of reasons. You did it to save Nick.”
I looked at Nick’s body, still lying there, unmoving. “What’s the point? He isn’t there anyway. I lost him.”
Rosie punched me in the arm. “You’re so dumb. You didn’t lose him. You saved him. With my help.”
“What are you talking about?”
Rosie rolled her eyes. She looked like a little pink cheeked, red haired angel, dressed all in white. The eye roll made me remember she was also a nine-year-old girl, albeit the ghost of one.
“I knocked Nick’s soul away so the Soul Reaper couldn’t eat him. You held it off long enough for us to get the portal open and pull it back. Unfortunately, he pulled your soul back with him, but we can rectify that.”
“How?”
“It’s time for you to go back, Lily. I mean it.”
I looked at my body, soulless and far below me. The nurses were about to quit. I could see it on their faces. “But I don’t want to leave you, Rosie. I love you.”
Rosie gave me the angelic equivalent of a “duh” expression. “I’ll always be with you, stupid. Now go.”
She shoved me hard from behind, and as I was falling, falling, falling back into my body, I realized something. I was going to live, and this was going to hurt.
Chapter 17
A day of sorrow is longer than a month of joy. ~ Chinese Proverb
I woke up in slow, agonizing stages. I don’t remember anything from the first few hours, other than the blur of lights and nurses, and the constant, aching pain right in the center of my chest. My doctors told me later it came from the pounding I’d taken as they’d struggled to resuscitate me, but I knew differently. It was from having the Soul Reaper tear me apart. The scars might not be visible, but they would be there, always.
During this time, I imagined Rosie hovering near my bed, but it could have been all the medications I’d been given. When I finally broke through the fog and opened my eyes, I looked around in the room in dismay.
No Rosie. No black blobs. No terrifying demons. No Nick. Except for my parents, I was utterly alone.
I tried to sit and winced. Every muscle in my body felt bruised and battered.
“Lily?” It took almost all my strength to turn and see my mother’s face.
“Nick?” I could barely form the word. My throat was swollen and dry. I struggled to keep my eyes open long enough to hear her answer.
She smiled, tears brimming on her eyelashes. “He’s fine, darling. Now rest, my dear, brave girl.”
When I woke again, I felt much better. My mother stayed by my side with ice chips and water to sip. My father helped me into a sitting position and fluffed my pillows. My entire room had been filled to the brim with flowers and balloons. Dr. Carter came in to check on me.
“You gave us quite a scare once again, young lady.” He looked at me sternly over his glasses as he listened to my heart. “But you’re going to be fine. We have to do a few more tests, and we may never understand why you went into spontaneous cardiac arrest, but you’re doing remarkably well.”
“I had a heart attack?”
He made some notations on my chart. “As far as we can tell. One minute you seemed perfectly fine. The next you needed a team of cardiac specialists to restart your heart. Do you remember anything about what happened?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t exactly explain the Soul Reaper to him. Better to keep my mouth shut.
Dr. Carter gave me a lecture about taking care of myself. I think he suspected I’d done drugs. I tried to be patient. I listened to what he had to say and nodded at the appropriate times. I also denied any drug use, which happened to be the truth. He wasn’t convinced, but eventually he must have known he’d gotten all the information possible from me and left my room.
Before the door had even closed, I grilled my mom. “Where is Nick? Is he okay? Can I see him?”
My mom glanced at my father, and I saw an odd look pass between them. She turned to me with a falsely bright smile. “He’s fine, sweetie. He’s awake and talking. He’s in better shape than you at the moment, actually.”
I wrinkled my brow at her. “When can I see him?”
My father patted my hand. “Let’s give it some time, okay peanut?”
I shook my head. “No. I want to see him. Now.”
My mom went for a tactic she knew would work. “But darling, you’re a mess. Why don’t you rest a bit, and we’ll see if we can get you a shower?”
I looked at the ends of my hair. It did seem nasty. “I am really tired. I’ll take a little nap, then I’ll get ready,” I said with a yawn, my eyes already heavy. I saw a flash of relief on my mother’s face but was too tired to question it.
After I slept and ate and had another barrage of tests performed by Dr. Carter, I finally took a much-needed shower. My mother brushed and dried my hair, pulling it off my face with a wide white satin ribbon, and helped me put on a pretty pair of pajamas and a bed jacket. When I saw myself in the mirror, I was shocked. I looked so pale and thin, and I had dark purple circles under my eyes. After a little concealer and a lot of blush, I appeared only slightly more human, but it didn’t matter. I was moments away from seeing Nick.
“Let’s go,” I said with a smile. My parents didn’t smile back. They looked worried.
They forced me to ride in a wheelchair, but it was for the best. Taking the shower and getting dressed had nearly worn me out.
When we arrived at Nick’s room, Uncle Johnny and Uncle Danny stood outside with the other Fortuna brothers, waiting for us. They clapped when they saw me.
“Here she is,” said Uncle Johnny with a smile. “Our hero.”
“Heroine,” corrected Uncle Danny. He winked at me. “You’re a rock star, girl.”
“Thanks.” I tried peeking into Nick’s room, getting impatient to see him.
“Does she know?” Uncle Johnny spoke in a soft voice to my father, but I heard him anyway.
“Know what?” I looked at all their faces. Something was wrong. I grabbed ahold of the wheels on the chair and pushed myself into Nick’s room.
Nick looked great. He sat in his bed, talking to his mother. A nurse took his vital signs, and she laughed at something he’d said. They all froze when I came into the room. The nurse put his file back into place at the foot of his bed and scurried out past me. Maria kissed me softly on the forehead.
“Lily. How are you?” I could see the concern in her dark eyes. I knew it was for me, but I didn’t understand why.
“I’m fine.” I turned to Nick. He watched us with a bemused smile on his face
.
I wheeled as close as I could to his bed but couldn’t get past a chair and some cords on the floor. I stood on wobbly legs. Maria and my mother immediately rushed to help me.
The walk to Nick’s bed turned into the longest couple of feet I’d ever walked in my life. As I laboriously put one foot in front of the other, a horrible comprehension slowly dawned on me.
Nick had no idea who I was.
“Hi, Nick.” I searched his face, trying to see some spark of recognition light his eyes, but he stared at me with the same pleasantly bemused expression he’d been wearing since I’d wheeled myself into his room.
“Hi.” He looked at his mom and back at me. “Lily, right?”
“Yes.”
I sank into the chair next to his bed. He didn’t know me. He didn’t remember what we’d been through together. He didn’t love me, either. It was all gone.
Nick shifted uncomfortably in his bed. “I can’t remember what happened, but my mom tells me it’s because of you I’m here at all, so thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me.”
I studied his face, even more beautiful than before. I wanted to memorize each detail since I knew I couldn’t see him again. I’d died twice and had been brought back to life by people pounding on my chest, but this pain seemed a thousand times worse. I couldn’t be around a Nick who didn’t know me. It hurt too much.
I forced myself not to cry as I rose to my feet. I held out my hand to Nick and he shook it gently. A tingle of electricity jumped between us, but I didn’t know if Nick felt it too. I couldn’t tell. All my energy focused on not breaking down and humiliating myself.
Nick held onto my hand, his grip strong and his hand big and warm. The was the first time he’d ever actually touched me, and probably the last. He stared at me, and the moment seemed to stretch on and on. “Do you always wear ribbons in your hair?”
I touched the one currently on my head. I’d almost forgotten it was there. “Most of the time.”
“It suits you,” he said, and let go of my hand.
I was bereft, lost, and adrift. It took every ounce of strength I had to get into my wheelchair. Maria pushed me out of the room and closed the door behind her. She knelt beside my chair and held my hand.
“I’m so sorry, Lily. He’s a little confused right now. The doctor said to let him remember things on his own, not to push him. If you give him some time…”
I shook my head. “He doesn’t remember. He’s not going to remember.”
“He will, Lily. I’ll talk to him. Give me a second.” Maria opened the door to go back inside the room, and I stopped her.
“Don’t.” I swallowed hard. “I can’t do this again, Maria. I can’t see him or be around him. It hurts too much.”
“But seeing you might help,” she said. I shook my head.
“It’s like a kind of torture. I’m sorry, but I know I won’t be able to stand it.” I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry. When I opened them again, Maria was wiping away tears of her own. “Can you let me know…from time to time…how he’s doing?”
I could barely get the words out, but Maria understood. Uncle Johnny and Uncle Danny, unable to make eye contact with me, looked like they might cry too. The other brothers were nowhere to be seen. They’d run away.
“Jellyfish,” I said, and Maria laughed, shaking her head.
“You’re a remarkable person, Lily Madison.”
I smiled at her, but I’d never been so sad. “I know.”
When I got back to my room, I couldn’t have the breakdown I’d intended because Zoe and Josh were waiting for me there. I asked everyone to leave, except for Zoe.
“He doesn’t know me.” It was hard to even say the words.
Zoe’s eyes were huge and sad in her pale face. “I heard. I’m so sorry, Lily.”
“Me too.” I got out of the wheelchair and crawled into my bed. Zoe helped pull the blankets over my legs and sat next to me.
“You’ve got to remember, he had a nasty blow to his head.”
“I know.” I rested my head against the pillows. I wanted to go back to sleep and pretend this had all been a horrible dream.
“He couldn’t even remember his own last name.”
“I know.”
“Don’t you dare quit, Lily.” Pink dots appeared in Zoe’s cheeks and I sighed as she got emotional.
“What do you suggest I do?”
“Fight for him. You battled the Soul Reaper for him. You died for him. Make him remember you.”
I shook my head sadly. “There’s nothing there, Zoe. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t even know me. There isn’t anything I can do. I’m not quitting. I’m facing reality.”
Eventually Dr. Carter let me go home, a mixed blessing. I was glad to be out of the hospital, but at home every little nook and cranny reminded me of Nick. The dining room where he’d watched me eat bacon. The kitchen where he told me he loved me. My bedroom. We’d spent a lot of time in my bedroom. Even walking into my closet seemed hard, because I remembered how he’d made fun of my color-coded clothing storage system. It was enough to make me pull all my clothes off their hangers and throw everything onto the floor. I’d wanted to put things back in a haphazard, random order, but couldn’t. The OCD in me wouldn’t allow it. An hour later, my closet looked exactly the same as when I started.
I sat on the floor and hugged my knees to my chest. I was a nut case. My mother found me there and sat next to me, skirt and all. She put her arm around my shoulders.
“Are you okay?”
“Not yet, but I’m trying.” I looked at my nails. Eiffel for You had begun to chip. “I need to see Mr. Wan.”
“I made an appointment for both of us to see him this afternoon,” she said, picking up my hand to study my nail polish. “I like this color. I might try it too.”
I chuckled. “It’s purple, Mom.”
“Maybe it’s the new me.” She grinned. She’d been getting nothing but French manicures for as long as I could remember.
I tried to smile back at her, a feeble attempt. I’d been emotionally numb since I’d seen Nick. I hadn’t cried. I hadn’t screamed at the injustice of it all. I hadn’t laughed at anything either. I plodded along in a sort of frozen daze. The Soul Reaper may have ripped my soul from my body, but it didn’t do nearly as much damage as Nick. My heart wasn’t simply broken, it had shattered into a million pieces.
Mr. Wan treated me kindly, as did Miss Lin. Everyone tried to be gentle with me, but nothing helped. I hadn’t wanted to eat, and my tan dress and wide leather belt hung on me. It had only been a week since I’d fought the Soul Reaper, but it seemed like months. In a way, the Soul Reaper had won. When Nick didn’t know me, it was exactly like having my soul ripped from my body.
Mr. Wan studied me closely as he picked out a soft brown shade for me. It worked with my skin tone and with what I wore too.
“What color is this?” I asked the question robotically. I didn’t care.
Mr. Wan squinted as he read the name on the bottle. “Café Forgot. New color. Very popular.”
My lip quivered. “I don’t know if I like it.”
Mr. Wan continued, painting it on in even, neat strokes. “You might not like it, but it is a good color for you this week.”
I didn’t protest as he put on a clear coat to seal it and stuck my hands in the dryer. He pointed to the tiger painting on his wall.
“What happened to the Tiger Lily who fought the Soul Reaper? You saved your boyfriend Nick’s life. Why are you sitting here all droopy and sad?”
I sniffed. “He isn’t my boyfriend. He doesn’t even know who I am.”
Mr. Wan threw up his hands in disgust. “Is that all?”
I made a funny little strangled sound and my heart pounded in my chest. Mr. Wan had made me angry, a good thing. Feeling angry was so much better than feeling nothing. My mother chatted happily with Miss Lin at the far side of the room, and Miss Lin smiled at her. I’d never seen Miss Li
n look so cheerful. Mr. Wan was not cheerful. He scowled at me, his bushy eyebrows coming together over his glasses like an angry centipede.
“Nick forgetting me is a big deal. Losing him like this is a big deal. I can’t pretend my life is back to normal. I love him, and he loved me, but he can’t remember any of it.”
“Well, remind him, stupid girl.” Mr. Wan muttered something in Chinese. “Are you going to make things better by sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself?” I shook my head. “So why are you doing it? Go and see Mrs. Chang. She has something for you.”
I told my mother to meet me at Mrs. Chang’s shop. I thought about what Mr. Wan said as I walked down the block. Had I given up too easily? I closed my eyes, remembering the blank look in Nick’s eyes when he saw me. I hadn’t imagined it. I couldn’t bear to see the same look again. It hurt way too much.
Mrs. Chang looked shocked when she saw me. “Tiger Lily, what happened to you? You are skin and bones.”
I glanced at my body. I’d lost a few pounds. Hardly skeletal.
“I’ve had kind of a bad week. I died again. Do you have a few minutes, Mrs. Chang? I need to talk with you.”
Mrs. Chang made me sit and handed me a cup of tea. I lifted the cup and ran my finger along the side with my well-manicured nail. Café Forgot was a pretty color, but I hated it. Mr. Wan seemed to be mocking me with his color choices. Every time I saw Café Forgot, it reminded of exactly how much I’d lost.
“So, Mrs. Chang.” I blew on my tea. “Do you have a magic powder or a charm to make Nick love me again? Because I need one.”
She shook her head sadly. “No, I’m sorry, Tiger Lily. I heard about what happened from Mr. Wan. Which is why I wanted to give you this.”
She handed me a small, carefully wrapped package. Inside lay a beaded bracelet made out of green jade. A Chinese character in gold hung from between two of the beads. I pulled it onto my wrist and admired it. The green of the jade matched my eyes. I touched the Chinese character.
Tiger Lily (Dark Blossoms Book 1) Page 15
