by Linda Ford
“You said you didn’t want to love.”
Her voice fell to a whisper. “I don’t but sometimes I can’t help it.” She gave him a look of such agony that he couldn’t stop himself from putting an arm around her and drawing her to his chest.
“I’m sorry you’ve been hurt by love.”
She shuddered and leaned into him. For a moment she didn’t speak. “Everything I love is ripped from me. My mother died. My brothers married. Not that I’m not happy for them but they’ve moved on. My pa is off to see the ocean. And Grandfather—” The word choked from her and she couldn’t go on.
“Your grandfather is getting old.”
“And tired. I know. But to think of losing him…” She rocked her head back and forth, her agony apparent.
Hugh sought for words of comfort. He prayed for wisdom. It was his job as the preacher to offer up such things to those with troubled souls but this was Annie. He felt completely inadequate with her. One thing he knew though. “Annie, it’s your kind, loving spirit that makes you who you are. It enables you to give those around you the care they need and deserve. You could not have reached into Evan’s frightened little heart without love.”
She stayed resting in his arms. He hoped she believed him, believed that love gave her the power to be who she was.
She sat up, jerked to her feet and faced him. “I can be who I need to be without opening my heart to the pain of love.” Her eyes were wide with emotion.
He stood up, close enough to touch her arms, to pull her close and hold her tight but something in her stance kept him from doing so.
“Was it Rudy who hurt you so badly that love frightens you?”
“Good night.” She spun away and headed down the hall in a great rush.
He stared after her.
What had the man done to her to leave such a scar?
Chapter Twelve
Annie rose the next morning, determined to go back to her initial decision to enter into a loveless marriage. She wanted nothing more than security with her heart locked firmly behind thick barriers.
She had coffee prepared when Grandfather shuffled into the kitchen.
“Storm’s over,” he announced.
She glanced at the window. Dawn turned the frost covering the glass to a blushing pink. She hadn’t even noticed the change in the weather.
And just in time. No more being shut up together as if the rest of the world didn’t exist.
Hugh, Evan and Happy hurried into the room. Happy went directly to the door and waited to be let out. He ran around snapping at the snow and yapping.
Hugh, his hand resting on Evan’s shoulder, laughed. “Silly dog thinks snow is fun.”
Annie watched father and son, feelings she didn’t want to acknowledge tugging at her heart. Determined to keep her emotions firmly in control, she turned to the stove, stirring the scrambled eggs with more vigor than was necessary.
Hugh whistled and Happy bounced into the house, circling the room at a gallop.
Evan laughed as the pup bumped into him, knocking him to his bottom.
Annie looked at Hugh—to share enjoyment of this boy, nothing else—but at the warm, claiming look in his eyes, her heart revolted and burst free.
Claiming? She shook her head and returned to breakfast preparations. It took every ounce of her determination to push her heart back behind the barriers she’d once thought solid and impenetrable.
A few minutes later she was able to speak without any trembling in her voice. “Breakfast is ready.” She served it up and sat down, keeping her head bowed as if waiting for the blessing to be asked when in truth, she didn’t know if she could look at Hugh and keep her feelings under control.
Grandfather asked the blessing and for a few minutes, attention was on the food.
“I need to check on the Barrets this morning,” Hugh announced. “They might have run out of wood.”
He finished his breakfast, drained his coffee and pulled on his heavy outerwear. “I’ll shovel a path to the woodshed and the church before I leave.”
Silence followed his departure. The room seemed empty, hollow even.
She would not let herself think it might only be her heart that had that feeling and turned to Evan. “What would you like to do today?”
The boy’s eyes went toward the door.
“You want to play outside?”
He nodded.
“That’s a good idea. I’ll take you out as soon as I have the kitchen cleaned.” She washed the dishes and tossed leftovers into a pot to make soup. The delay would ensure that Hugh had left by the time they went out.
Evan was almost as excited as Happy and squirmed as she helped him put on warm clothing. Outside, the snow sparkled with shards of light in the bright, warm sunshine. The wind had pushed the snow into drifts and odd shapes.
Happy raced about and Evan did his best to keep up.
While they played, Annie took in several armloads of wood to the kitchen then restocked the supply next to the storeroom that could be accessed from indoors and had been seriously depleted during the storm.
Her task finished, she leaned against the wall of the house, enjoying the sun and watching Happy and Evan. They had tired of running about. Evan found a stick and dug at one of the snowdrifts, creating a hole.
Annie’s gaze went beyond the yard. How had her family managed during the storm? Was everyone safe? Was Pa safe? Had he seen the ocean? She missed them all.
Logan and Sadie lived in town though they hoped to build a house next spring and move to the ranch. She could visit them. What would she do with Evan? She’d ask Hugh.
She heard the sound of the front door opening and closing. Had Hugh returned? She realized how long they’d been outside. “Evan, Happy, come along. It’s time to go in.”
Evan carefully stuck his stick into the snowbank and then he and the pup followed her inside.
Happy flopped on the mat in the corner for a nap.
Annie looked about. “I thought I heard someone at the front door.”
“It was Hugh,” Grandfather said. “He’s in his office.”
“Oh, I wonder how the Barrets are.” She helped Evan take off his coat, his woolen outer pants and boots. Along with his snow-crusted mittens, she hung everything behind the stove to dry. The smell of wet wool soon filled the air and water dripped to the floor as the snow melted from the clothing.
She spared a glance at the closed office door hoping it didn’t signify bad news then stirred the soup. A glance at the clock informed her she had an hour before lunch. Time enough to make biscuits.
A little later, she went to the office door and tapped on it. “Dinner is ready.”
“I’ll be right there.”
She waited but when she didn’t hear a chair scuff or boots on the floor, she returned to the kitchen and set out the food.
Hugh slipped into the room and sat at the table.
She met his gaze, knowing hers expressed concern. “Was everything okay?”
He looked confused.
“With the Barrets?”
“They were down to their last stick of wood. Other than that, still feisty as ever. I carried in a bunch of wood for them.”
“Good to hear.”
“I was working on my sermon for Sunday. Here it is Friday and I don’t have anything prepared. I’ll be in there all afternoon if anyone is looking for me.”
That meant she couldn’t ask him to watch Evan. Perhaps she’d take him with her but was he ready to go out? She had no wish to push him harder than he was prepared for.
She waited until the meal was over and Hugh headed back to his office and then she hurried after him. “Do you have any objection to me taking Evan out to visit Logan and Sadie?”
“Do you think he’ll be okay with that? It’s only a few days ago that he was about as social as a feral cat.”
“I thought it would be worth seeing how he reacts. If he doesn’t do well, I’ll simply bring him home.”
> He studied her, searching her gaze.
She couldn’t guess what he looked for, didn’t know if he found it, but he nodded. “I trust you to do what’s best for my son.”
“Thank you.” And she meant more than permission to take Evan out. Trust. A far better basis for their marriage than love. Even if it did feel a little lackluster.
She returned to clean up the kitchen. As she worked, she prayed for wisdom in presenting her idea to Evan. Before she could think of what to say, a knock came to the back door.
She opened the door to Sadie with little Jeannie at her side. The girl was less than a year younger than Evan. Perhaps she would be a good playmate for him.
“I couldn’t take another day shut in like that,” Sadie said.
“Come on in. I was just thinking of going to visit you but thought it might be too soon for an outing.” She tipped her head toward Evan who had backed into the corner and stood with his hand on Happy’s head. Somehow the pup seemed to know he needed to remain at Evan’s side.
“I left the others at home,” Sadie said. “They’re a bit much all at once.” She smiled at Evan. “Hello, Evan. We met before. Do you remember me? I’m Aunt Sadie and this is Jeannie.”
Annie could have hugged her sister-in-law at introducing herself as Evan’s aunt. At least she took Annie’s plans seriously.
Sadie turned to Grandfather. “Hello, Grandfather. I see you survived the storm.”
“We’re fine,” he said.
Jeannie hugged Grandfather then stood by his side, studying Evan.
Hoping to make it possible for the two little ones to become friends, Annie introduced Happy. “He’s Evan’s dog. You may say hello to him.” She meant Evan as much as Happy.
Jeannie edged closer. “Hello, Happy. Hello, Evan.” She touched the top of the dog’s head then drew her hand back and stood as if waiting for Evan to make the next move.
Annie tried to think how best to help them. “Evan, why don’t you show Jeannie your pretend puppy?”
Evan looked at Spot near his foot and nudged it forward.
“Can I play with it?” Jeannie asked and waited until Evan nodded before she picked it up.
“I like this puppy.” Jeannie sat on the floor close to Evan’s mat and began to talk to the stuffed toy, telling it all about the things she and her brother and sister had done during the storm.
Annie saw the tension leave Evan’s shoulders and he sat on his mat, Happy crowded close to his knee.
“They’ll be okay,” Sadie said, and Annie was inclined to believe her. “I see a lot of improvement since I last saw him. Was that just a week ago? Hard to believe it’s only been that long. The last three days seemed to go on forever.”
Annie decided not to say she’d felt quite the opposite. “Have you heard anything from the ranch? I’ve been wondering if everyone was safe.”
“Logan was out there during the storm. He returned this morning to let me know he was okay.” She twisted her wedding ring round and round. “You can’t imagine how worried I was not knowing.” She shuddered.
Annie squeezed Sadie’s hands. “That must have been terrible.” She would not think how she would have felt if Hugh had been absent during the storm. Would not let herself shiver.
“Anyway. He already went back to the ranch. Said he had to help check on the herd. Everyone safely hunkered down at the ranch for the storm. Logan said Kate did her best to keep everyone occupied but he couldn’t stop worrying about me.”
“I’m glad everyone is safe and sound. That’s an answer to prayer.”
Sadie gave Annie a piercing look. “How are you doing? And I don’t mean because of the storm.”
“I’m perfectly fine.” If Grandfather hadn’t been there listening she might have been tempted to ask Sadie about love. No. She immediately retracted the thought. She meant she’d ask her about marriage. She could do that even with grandfather listening.
“I expect we’ll be married by Christmas. It would be convenient for everyone to have this settled. It would give Evan the home and stability he needs. There’s no need for Hugh to look further for someone to marry him and provide a home for his son.” She knew she rattled on but she couldn’t help it.
Grandfather bolted from his chair, grabbed his canes and thumped over to Annie’s side. “I’ve no reason to object to you marrying Hugh. He’s a fine man. But you both need to be honest about what you need from a marriage.”
“I think we are pretty clear about it.”
“You aren’t being honest with yourselves.” He thumped back to his chair.
Sadie studied her with knowing eyes. “What aren’t you being honest about?”
Annie shook her head. “I have no idea what he means.”
Grandfather harrumphed. “She’s probably telling the truth. More’s the pity. I never thought I’d see the day a Marshall couldn’t see what was as plain as the nose on their face.”
Sadie chuckled. “So that’s the way it is.”
Annie’s cheeks burned and she turned away, preparing tea and cookies. She was pleased when Evan sat at the table with them. And grateful that the topic of her marrying Hugh had been dropped though Sadie wore a funny little grin when she looked at Grandfather.
*
Hugh sat with his head in the palms of his hands. He had a sermon to prepare but his thoughts wandered willfully. Annie wanted to go out. He could hardly forbid it. Was she already feeling trapped by the confines of his house, his life…him?
He heard the outside door open and close and assumed she had left until he heard talking. He strained to hear who it was and recognized Sadie’s voice. Perhaps a visit from Annie’s sister-in-law would make her feel less like running.
Running? Is that what he expected of her? He sat back and stared at the far wall. Annie wasn’t the running type. She was the sticking type. He didn’t want her to be stuck. Wasn’t that what happened to his mother? And it sucked the life right out of her.
No. He did not want that for Annie. He would not like to see her spirit quenched. Which left him right back where they’d started. He needed someone older, someone with less zest for life who would be satisfied with what he had to offer…a marriage in name only.
He jerked forward. He had not made that clear to Annie. Was she expecting a real marriage even if a loveless one?
How was he to clear up that notion?
And he must. At his earliest opportunity.
Just as he must prepare a sermon to deliver in two days and he bent his head over the scriptures seeking guidance as to what he should say. Lord, show me Your truth from Your word. His gaze fell to the passage before him. Ephesians chapter five. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. The words flashed like a beacon. Did he love himself? That seemed selfish, even evil. And yet it was in God’s word.
He closed his Bible. He could not preach a sermon based on this verse because he didn’t believe it.
His heart twisted and turned and he called out to God for forgiveness as he acknowledged his lack of faith. God loved him. He didn’t doubt that. But his mother hadn’t. Nor had his wife. In his mind, had he let that make him think himself unlovable? Except for God. Could he love another human besides his son? That was a good place to start and he smiled. Thank you, God, for the gift of my son and the love I have for him.
And for Annie.
Those were not his thoughts. Yes, he was grateful for Annie but he didn’t love her. He would not let himself.
He compelled his mind back to sermon preparation. He knew he had a reputation for delivering the truth in a forceful way but what truth could he deliver when he couldn’t find it for himself?
Christmas. God sent His Son. He could speak truth from those thoughts having almost lost his son.
By the time Annie knocked to announce supper, he felt he had a sermon he could deliver.
And a truth he must make plain to Annie.
He waited until Evan was in bed and Grandfather had gone to his room then joined Anni
e in the living room before the fire.
She began to speak before he could. “Poor Sadie. Logan wasn’t able to get home before the storm broke and she sat through it not knowing if he was safe or not. I almost feel guilty because we had such a pleasant time.”
He knew he should interrupt her and tell her what marriage to him would involve but she faced him, her eyes alive with joy.
“Mama used to say that counting one’s blessings was the surest way to happiness and I’ve been thinking of all mine.” She held up her fingers and ticked them off one by one. “My family was kept safe throughout the storm. For my family, of course and especially sisters-in-law. Now I’m not the only female adult in the family. And all my nieces and nephews. There’s something very special about being an aunt. I can play with the kids and tell them stories and enjoy them without the same worry.”
He wanted to know if she worried about Evan but he would ask her later after she’d done counting off her blessings.
“For Grandfather’s health. He seems much better today. I suppose it was the stormy weather that had him feeling poorly. Then there’s Evan. He’s such a sweet boy and to see him becoming more normal every day is such a joy. And Happy. He’s done a lot to help Evan.” She bounced about so she faced him more fully. “I have saved the best for last.”
He hardly dared to breathe. Was she about to mention him as the best? His chest hurt with anticipation.
“Hugh, you’ll never guess what happened.”
He managed to shake his head.
“When Jeannie was here she picked up the book I read from for Evan’s bedtime stories. And Evan marched to her side, took the book and said, Mine.”
Annie beamed.
It took Hugh several seconds to take in the meaning of her words. “He spoke?”
She nodded. “He can talk.” She sniffed and closed her eyes. “I’m sorry.” The words were strangled. Tears dribbled down her cheeks.
He tried to think what to do. His heart, not his head, guided his actions and he pulled her to his chest. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.” His throat tightened until he could hardly get his words out. “I’m thrilled to know he can talk.”
