The Revenge Date/Ten Reasons to Say I Don't Bundle (Romantic Comedy)

by Geraldine Fonteroy

  Cliff Askie looked to Rosie in bewilderment.

  Shit.

  Now what?

  She had to save this. If it all came out, Georgia Kettle would lynch her.

  Make something up.

  But what?

  ‘He’s right, Cliff. I lied to you. I am not a virgin.’

  Hugo snorted. ‘I’d call that the understatement of the year.’

  Ignoring Hugo, Rosie bowed her head. ‘You see, I liked you so much, and I didn’t want to spoil things, but I promised my therapist . . .’

  She raised an eye to look at Hugo. Stupid prick couldn’t argue with that, could he? He’d overheard her mother carrying on about Rosie’s therapist in her very own kitchen.

  ‘What did you promise your therapist?’ Cliff was mesmerized. Not mad, supportive even. Well, everyone loved a hard luck story, didn’t they?

  ‘That I wouldn’t have sex for one whole year.’

  Even Hugo was hanging on every word.

  He couldn’t disprove that, could he?

  Bastard! She’d dropped her standards to fuck him, and look where it had got her. Never, never, again.

  ‘You see, Cliff. I have a sex addiction.’

  The billionaire made a funny noise, and Rosie wondered if he’d shot his load. A girl who looked like her being a nympho was straight out of Playboy.

  And now, for Hugo.

  ‘You see,’ she explained to The Drip, ‘after I slept with Hugo, I felt so ashamed of myself. I mean, look at him – not the sort of man I should be with, is he? And the sex was so horrible, because he couldn’t get it up, well, I felt so dirty, so used.’

  Cliff was glaring at Hugo now, and Hugo seemed to be looking about for some implement to plunge into Rosie’s heart.

  ‘That is perfectly understandable, and, my love, I promise to do everything to support your treatment.’

  With that, they took a number of bags of delicious French cuisine and headed back to their car, leaving a red-faced Hugo to explain to his date – a pert blonde – that it was all bullshit – that he wasn’t a dud fuck.

  Good luck with that, Rosie mouthed at him, seeing him staring at her from the window near his table.

  Good luck, and good bye!

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  DISASTER AVERTED, ROSIE ARRIVED BACK in New York too late to call Scarlet and offload on her horrible day. Alex, however, seemed to know exactly when she was back in the hotel room, and called the second Rosie kicked off the platform shoes and threw herself on the bed.

  ‘Oh, hi Alex.’

  ‘How did today go?’

  Rosie filled him in on the day’s events, leaving out Hugo’s incursion. Stupid, limp-dicked arsehole. There weren’t enough expletives to describe the interfering little fucker. She did, however, reveal the sex addict story, because Cliff might somehow tell Georgia and Rosie usually didn’t lie – no matter how painful the truth.

  But in the case of Hugo, she sensed Alex might not be too happy with an employee who is wanted in (all probability) fourteen or so countries for ditching men unceremoniously after one-night-stands.

  ‘So how did you end it?’

  ‘Cliff implied he would wait for me, but I said that, of course, if I were to marry, then my therapist would be satisfied I was cured. And then, of course, I could have sex.’

  ‘And how did he take that?’

  ‘Got very excited, said he wanted to take me somewhere special tonight, but of course, I am seeing Felix, so it’s tomorrow now.’

  ‘That would have to be the fastest proposal known to man – if he does propose, that is.’

  Alex still sounded odd. Sullen, as if he was annoyed at her for something. Maybe he was just one of those dreary people who could never manage to be positive for longer than a couple of hours.

  ‘I suppose. Although, someone did propose to me after just five hours, once.’

  Alex laughed. ‘What a loser.’

  Gosh, that was pretty harsh. She was still the hottest thing most men had ever seen.

  Obviously, Alex didn’t think so.

  And a man unaffected by her appearance was an abnormality; it had never happened to Rosie before. She didn’t like it. Not one bit.

  ‘Look, Alex, I am shattered. Flown twelve hours and I feel like shit. Can we talk tomorrow at breakfast?’

  A pause. ‘Oh, I don’t think I can make breakfast. We’ve caught up now, haven’t we?’

  No.

  ‘Yes.’

  He didn’t want to see her.

  ‘There’s a lead for another revenge date client, so I thought I’d chase that first thing. More money for us, right?’

  ‘Right.’

  Rosie felt like she’d been kicked in the stomach. He didn’t want to see her.

  Her.

  If it wasn’t for the fervent attentions of Cliff and Felix, she’d be worried she was losing her touch.

  That night, her hand didn’t stray south. Alex’s treatment of her was a major soft-on.

  Instead, she allowed herself a quick, silent, cry.

  And afterwards, vowed that she wouldn’t think of Alex in that way again.

  Scarlet woke her at nine, for which Rosie was extremely grateful. She had a lot to prepare for before the date with Felix, including setting up her covert coverage of his attempts at seduction.

  ‘How goes the great revenge date experiment?’

  ‘It’s a job, Scar, not an experiment. And listen, I was thinking. If this fake wedding with Askie goes ahead–’

  ‘Fake wedding?’

  ‘Yeah, the job is to get him up the aisle and leave him there, like he did to his fiancée.’

  ‘Nice.’

  ‘Well, the ugly prick deserves it. Anyway, I thought you could be my fake bridesmaid. Askie will, of course, pay for the trip.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t know, Rosie, I don’t want to do anything dodgy and get struck off.’

  ‘I’m inviting you as my guest. The only thing to go wrong is Askie is going to end up alone. He’s already dumped the current fiancée.’

  ‘Hmm. I’ll think about it, okay?’

  Satisfied, Rosie filled her friend in on Hugo’s nasty intervention of yesterday.

  ‘Nooooo.’

  ‘Couldn’t believe it. Fancy him being in Paris, in the same restaurant.’

  ‘I can’t believe you told everyone he was bad in bed.’

  ‘He made me say I was a sex addict in a crowded restaurant, he deserved it.’

  ‘You don’t think he will try to get revenge, do you?’ Scarlet pondered.

  ‘That was his revenge, Scar. Coming up to me like that.’

  ‘Right after you’d lied and told Askie you were a virgin!’ Her friend was openly laughing now.

  ‘Calm down, it’s not that funny.’

  ‘Yes, it bloody well is.’

  ‘So what’s the plan for today?’

  ‘Lunch and seduction of Felix Hastings, including a video of the latter.’

  ‘A video? What for?’

  ‘Well, I was worried that these guys, once they discover the whole thing is just a revenge date, will try to get back at me. The threat of them being humiliated and embarrassed by my video release of the moment of shame should be enough to put a stop to any thoughts of retaliation.’

  ‘Unless you fuck ‘em up so badly they try to gun you down.’

  ‘Scarlet!’

  ‘Sorry, that sounded harsh. I just meant, you should be careful. These guys have money and connections. A billionaire can afford to cover his tracks, you know.’

  ‘It’s the ex who is behind it all, not me. I’m just an employee, remember?’

  Scarlet tut-tutted. ‘As long as the men see it like that.’

  ‘They will, don’t worry. Now, don’t you have some criminals to break out of jail?’

  ‘I think you mean help get banged up. And yes, I do. Crime, my dear friend, stops for nothing, not even gossip.’

  Rosie promised to send Scarlet a copy of the Felix video, when it w
as over, and rang off.

  The Rainbow Room is one of those places girls like Rosie had been to a number of times. She and Scarlet had visited when they were twenty; then she had dined with there with her parents, and finally with her American cousin Lilly and a bunch of saps to celebrate Lilly’s shotgun wedding in Vegas.

  When she arrived, purposefully late, Felix was sitting at what was obviously the best table in the house, and from the look on his face he didn’t seem happy. Except for his hair, which was tied back in a ponytail, he looked the same as the last two times they’d met. He was still wearing the same gear – leather trousers and black shirt. Must have numerous sets of the same clothes. Weirdo. The smell of soap and aftershave was stronger than ever.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ Rosie asked, allowing the maitre d’ to help her with her chair. Felix didn’t appear to be paying the requisite amount of attention to the short floral number that was strategically see-through in certain places. She’d teamed the Chloe dress with a pair of sandals that had long ties that went half way up her legs. Her hair was French-plaited to the end of her neckline, after which it fanned out in its natural, curly style.

  Rosie knew she looked amazing; every guy in the place had his mouth open. So what was Felix’s problem?

  ‘You go to Paris yesterday, babe?’

  Shit!

  ‘What?’

  ‘There was a picture in the paper this morning. You and that billionaire dweeb cosying up in some restaurant.’

  A flood of questions were pouring into Rosie’s brain, including: who knew Felix the Fool could actually read? And: what total weasel takes photos inside a Michelin-starred restaurant?

  The answer to the later was clear. Probably Hugo. Although the banker had no idea about Felix, so what would be the motivation?

  ‘He’s just a friend, which is more than I can say for you.’

  ‘You’re my girlfriend!’ Felix practically shouted it across the quiet dining room. Isn’t there supposed to be band or something? To help drown out the rockstar’s inane burblings.

  ‘Keep your voice down, everyone is looking.’

  ‘I don’t care.’

  ‘Felix, this is our first date.’

  ‘No, we had coffee.’ His full lips were clasped together petulantly. They were so thick she was sure he’d had fillers or something.

  ‘Coffee was not a date, and anyway, that still doesn’t mean we’re together.’

  ‘I only went out with Julia twice before we got engaged.’

  Rosie shook her head. Julia Hastings should have known better. Or maybe she couldn’t be bothered arguing with the moron. Compliance was easier. As it was, this conversation was pushing Rosie to the brink of insanity, and she was being paid $25,000 to be there.

  ‘Okay, look. You have to listen to me. I am not your girlfriend, nor will I ever be if you continue behaving like this. Now shut up and get me a drink before I leave, and believe me, you don’t want that.’

  ‘No I don’t,’ Felix whined. ‘I can’t stop thinking about you.’

  ‘Well, I can give you a lot more to think about, as long as you make sure I enjoy myself here. If you piss me off, you don’t get your rocks off. Understand?’

  Rosie said it all with her mouth set in a grim smile. She couldn’t trust that some other freak with a phone would take a photo to sell to a newspaper. Dining with Felix she could explain – fighting with him, not so much.

  The hotel receptionist, whose work roster seemed to be strategically planned to maximize her torture of Rosie, was stunned into silence when she saw who Rosie had brought home.

  ‘Afternoon,’ Rosie called to her. ‘Don’t worry, it’s not what you think. Felix is my cousin.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ Felix scolded her, as they walked to the lift. ‘I don’t want people thinking I fuck my cousins.’

  ‘And I didn’t want the stupid cow to call the papers the minute we were out of sight.’

  ‘Then don’t pretend you’re fucking your cousin.’

  God, what a thicko. Rosie couldn’t wait for this afternoon to be over. Having met Julia, she couldn’t understand what a brilliant, highly-articulate, successful woman such as her saw in this idiot.

  Until, a few minutes later, she caught sight of the rockstar’s assets.

  ‘Whatcha think, babe?’ He’d whipped it out the moment the door to her room was closed.

  Rosie thought it was the best she’d ever seen.

  My God, what a prize.

  Suddenly, she wondered what harm it could do to sample the product before relegating it to the garbage.

  Stop it! You need to make him feel insecure; demean him, remember? Not hope on for a ride.

  Shame though, that was one amazing piece of equipment.

  Making sure the camera, strategically placed behind the far edge of the curtains, was turned on, Rosie decided it was time to get started.

  Let’s bring this farce to an end!

  ‘Oh well,’ she said, looking pointedly at his dick. ‘It will have to do.’

  The hard-on Felix was supporting immediately drooped. ‘Hah?’

  ‘It’s a little smaller than I am used to, that’s all.’

  ‘Smaller?’

  ‘Ah hah.’ Rosie shrugged. ‘I’m sure you know what to do with it, though?’

  ‘No one’s ever said that to me before?’ Felix looked perplexed.

  Rosie nonchalantly took off her top, revealing a lace push-up bra. Felix couldn’t fail to notice, and took a step towards her.

  ‘I suppose,’ Rosie replied, ‘that the girls you usually choose don’t want to upset you – what with you being such a big star and all. I mean,’ she looked down, ‘it seems as if you stopped growing at ten, doesn’t it?’

  ‘What?’ The slowly diminishing hard-on was now completely flat and floppy. Looking back towards the curtains, Rosie was pleased to see that from the camera angle, Felix was looking at a girl in her underwear, with a limp dick. Perfect! If all else failed she could accuse him of an interest in circus animals instead of women! Or something along those lines.

  Felix was astonished. ‘Shit, you think I might be crap in bed?’

  ‘Looking at that pathetic excuse for a dick, I suspect you might be.’

  And then, her job was done.

  Felix Hastings, international superstar, multi-platinum record holder – and total arrogant arsehole – began to weep.

  In full view of her hidden video camera.

  Suddenly, Rosie had a better idea than simply taping the next part of her plan.

  Taking up her mobile phone, she plugged in Julia Hastings’s number and switched on video calling. When Julia answered Rosie simply whispered: ‘Watch this’ and balanced the device on the table, facing Felix, who was now sitting on the bed, head in hands, crying. And, luckily, paying no attention to what Rosie was up to.

  ‘But I think I love you,’ he said. ‘I promise I won’t be crap in bed. All those women can’t have lied. Julia didn’t lie. I trusted her. She said I was good.’

  What a multifaceted loser.

  ‘Well, Felix. I don’t love you. In fact, there is something I have to tell you.’ Rosie cast a wink in the direction of the phone.

  Suddenly, the hotel phone began to ring.

  Rosie decided to ignore it, but it wouldn’t shut up. ‘If this is that receptionist asking for an autograph, I will ask to speak to the manager,’ she said, mostly to herself because Felix was weeping loudly.

  She picked up the phone. ‘Yes?’

  ‘Rosie, don’t do it. Don’t tell him.’

  Shit. It was Julia Hastings.

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Look, I’m happy to pay, you’ve done a terrific job, but I don’t want him to know it was me. I don’t want him to know that he has been set up.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Bloody hell, that was the fun bit! Without telling him, it was like watching Deal or No Deal and not seeing the very end. Plus, and far worse, it indicated that Rosie had, in reality, been willing to
sleep with him prior to witnessing his exposure!

  ‘If that’s what you want.’

  ‘Didn’t you hear what he said? About me? He still cares, I know it.’

  Oh no. Julia still had a thing for him. After everything. Was she mad?

  ‘Okay, well, I’ll call you later to discuss this further, but I promise to do what you want.’

  ‘Thank you Rosie, thanks for everything. Alex should be very pleased with you. I will be happy to give a reference to any new client.’

  ‘Yeah, he will like that. Take care.’

  Hanging up, Rosie sighed at the sight of Felix weeping pathetically into the bedspread.

  ‘Come on,’ she said to him. ‘Let’s get you back home.’

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  ALEX STILL SOUNDED SOUR, in spite of the fact Julia Hastings had given them a $5000 bonus. Once again, Rosie had suggested a meeting in person. Once again, Alex had said he was too busy – that the phone would suffice.