by Edina Davis
For a moment, Debbie glared at her friend so furiously that it seemed as if she were about to fly at her. Then she restrained herself and with surprising calm said: “Come off it, Mel, don’t talk nonsense. I love both my girls, Carolyn just as much as Carina. It’s just that Carolyn is always so quiet and withdrawn, and it is difficult to get close to her. Carina on the other hand is completely different, much more affectionate and approachable than Carolyn, that’s all!”
That was more of less how Melissa had pictured the discussion with her friend. Debbie just didn’t want to admit, even to herself, that she treated the twins differently. So, what should Melissa do? She had tried, but to no avail. Poor little Carolyn!
CHAPTER 5
Carolyn gradually got used to her twin sister being the centre of attention always and everywhere while she herself was only rarely noticed. Later, she could only remember one single occasion when she had been the focus of attention. However, that occasion was connected to a bad experience in her early years, so that the positive aspect continuously diminished in Carolyn’s memory over the years. The only thing engraved in her memory was the fact that Carina had stolen something very important from her that day …
The twins had just turned four and were standing in a long check out queue at Seaford supermarket with their mother. Carina soon became impatient, ran around, and annoyed several customers. When she got bored with that as well, she started whining.
“Mummy, how long will it take? When is it finally our turn?” she complained, her usual cheerfulness had completely disappeared.
An older woman standing behind them watched the scene with disapproval. She also saw that Carolyn was standing quietly and well-behaved, waiting. She smiled at the little girl and said: “Your Mum must be very proud of you for being so well-behaved! What’s your name, my child?”
“Carry,” she said quick as a flash. She didn’t like the name Carolyn and always mentally called herself Carry.
“That’s not true!” called out Carina, who had witnessed the short conversation. “She’s lying! Her name is Carolyn. Mummy, tell her.” She glanced up at her mother, looking for approval.
“Of course, her name is Carolyn,” Debbie confirmed while glaring down at Carolyn. “Why are you talking such nonsense?”
At home, Carina said to her mother: “I like the name Carrie, Mummy, and it suits me much better, because I’m called Carina. That’s true, Mummy, isn’t it?”
Softly, Carolyn interjected: “But I picked that name first. I am Carry!” She glanced up at her mother imploringly.
Before the latter could say anything, Carina called out: “But Lynn fits much better to Carolyn. That’s true, Mummy, tell her.”
Debbie Harris could not deny that logic and so Carina got the name Carrie and Carolyn the name Lynn. When Carolyn protested, her mother only said: “But Lynn sounds very nice and suits you, my child.”
This settled the matter for her, but not for Lynn, who abhorred that name. From that day onward the little one nursed a deep grudge against her twin sister, who had stolen the name she identified with, from her. Her mother stabbed her in the back and her father was no help either.
Philipp Harris was a person in strong need of harmony and avoided each conflict whenever possible. It was very rare that he didn’t share his wife’s opinion. He loved his daughters but adored his Debbie and didn’t want to disappoint her. Therefore, the only thing he had to say in answer to Carolyn’s complaint, was: “It’s just a name, my child, and I like it very much as well.”
Debbie Harris cast a grateful glance at her husband, which immediately compensated Philipp for letting Carolyn down. Deep inside he felt the injustice that was happening to her and was ashamed for not being able to contradict his wife to support Carolyn. But Debbie simply meant the world to him, and nothing and nobody could hold a candle to her, not even his own daughters.
Little Carolyn however felt let down by her parents and their betrayal poisoned her small heart with jealousy and bitterness.
CHAPTER 6
The twins started school at the age of five. Carolyn enjoyed studying from the start. She was very diligent and ambitious and became the best student of her class within a short time. However, she still did not make any friends.
She spent the breaks alone in the school yard and read her books. She was looking forward to secondary school, which she would attend as of the coming autumn.
Carina found less pleasure in learning but enjoyed it far more to tease and humiliate Carolyn in the presence of other students. There was always a large crowd of boys and girls gathered around her, which included Pamela Thompson and Samantha Gillis, the two neighbours’ children. Pamela was the only one who occasionally sat next to Carolyn during the break and chatted with her for a while. It seemed to annoy Carina and one day Carolyn heard her say, with an intentionally loud voice: “You have to decide whom you want to be friends with, Pam! If you’d rather be one of the swots …”
Carolyn couldn’t hear Pamela’s answer, but from that day on Pamela kept away from her.
Carolyn was hurt. However, when she complained to her mother and mentioned, how sad it made her, the latter only said off-handedly: “You can’t blame Carrie for that. It’s completely your fault, child! You’re just too quiet and introverted, it’s no surprise that all the children prefer spending time with Carrie. After all, she is always cheerful and immediately approaches people. So, take a leaf out of her book!”
“Calling me a swot in front of everybody is also exemplary?” Carolyn retorted.
“Oh, no need to take that to heart so much, Lynn. You really are excessively ambitious! You always have your nose in some book! You often let Carrie feel that you feel superior to her and that studying comes much easier to you than to her. So perhaps she is a bit frustrated occasionally, but I am sure she doesn’t mean any harm, Lynn. You need to learn not to take such offence all the time, child.”
While her mother was saying this, she continued her housework and didn’t even bother to look at her daughter. And yet Carolyn had been desperate for her mother to sit down with her, maybe even put an arm around her and comfort her.
“Why don’t you love me, Mum?” she asked, her voice sad.
“What gives you that absurd idea, Lynn? Of course, I love you,” Debbie replied in shock and now even cast a quick glance at her.
“But you love Carina far more than me. I feel that very strongly. You always take her side, regardless of what she is up to! You always have an excuse for her behaviour while you always criticise me. Carina is mean to me and you blame me for it.”
“That’s not true at all!” her mother called out indignantly. “What are you insinuating here? Carrie is just a bit thoughtless sometimes, not as sensible as you are.”
“But why do you constantly reprimand me then, and never Carina, if I’m more sensible and not as thoughtless? I don’t understand it!” Carolyn insisted in desperation, while her eyes filled up with tears.
“Even at the risk of repeating myself! I already said two minutes ago that you shouldn’t always take offence at everything your sister does. She doesn’t mean harm! I just think you’re sensible enough to forgive Carrie her thoughtlessness, that is all,” her mother persisted.
“You just don’t want to understand me, Mum,” Carolyn tried one last time. “I feel I’m at a disadvantage when you expect more from me than from Carina. She always gets the kindness and affection, while I get the criticism. You never put your arm around me, only around her. That was even the case when we were very little. Carina always sat on your lap, cuddling.”
“For God’s sake, Lynn, come off it.” Debbie Harris indignantly furrowed her brow. “You can’t blame Carrie for enjoying a cuddle. You get all stiff the second someone touches you, completely unapproachable. It’s no wonder that people eventually give up wanting to approach you. And now enough of this nonsense. Daddy and
I, we love you both, Carrie and you.”
That ended the discussion for Debbie Harris and Carolyn never approached the topic again. Her mother didn’t understand or didn’t want to understand the point. Of course, she had eventually stopped liking her mother approaching her physically. Her mother only had eyes for Carina and sang her praise even though she was always up to some mischief. Carolyn on the other hand, who always did as she was expected, never received the slightest praise. No matter what she did, what favours she did for her mother, how obedient she always was, it was all taken for granted. In short, Carolyn felt unloved, misunderstood, and unhappy! Her only comfort were her books and her beloved Cradle Valley, her refuge. She went there every spare minute, sat down in her birch’s shadow, and read. This special place on the other side of the white tunnel was her shelter, where she forgot everything that grieved her.
The white tunnel was a narrow alley with white lilac trees whose crowns tilted towards each other and formed a white tunnel of flowers in spring. Carolyn loved this magnificent bloom, and in her mind this gorgeous alley was her white tunnel. One day she found her Birchy there, an old birch which stood in a somewhat hidden spot further back on the right side of the field. Carolyn could sit there for hours, undisturbed, reading, completely engrossed in the events and adventures the heroes and heroines in her books experienced, and could share their joys or their sorrows. The cruel fate of the orphan boy Oliver Twist touched her heart so much that she shed several tears while reading that book.
She occasionally raised her head, listened to the birdsong, the leaves rustling in the wind and the soft murmur of the small stream flowing down into the valley from the hill. Those were the moments, when she was one with herself and nature, and could escape reality into her fantasy world, that made her truly happy, so happy that she wished time would stand still. She imagined being all alone in the world, in her own world, whose quietness captured her and flew her to the land of her dreams. Everything in this land was completely different from reality. The people there were honest and fair, attentive and loving. In this land she had parents, who protected and loved her, who were proud of her and praised her. In this land she didn’t have a sister who constantly took away or destroyed her things, bullied her, marginalised her and took their parents’ love from her. She alone was Carry, her parents’ only child!
When she reluctantly went back home in the early evening to have dinner with the family, she felt like a bird that had escaped the golden cage for a short while and had been captured again far too soon.
CHAPTER 7
The twins went to a new school in September. Carolyn attended the Grammar School in Lewis and now took the bus there every morning. Carina, who didn’t fancy bothering herself with studying more than necessary, stayed in Seaford with her two best friends Pam and Sam and attended Secondary School there. Heated discussions had of course taken place beforehand, because Debbie absolutely did not understand why the two girls should attend different schools. She ranted and raved about the pitiful class teacher, Mr. White, who, in her opinion, had not managed to awaken the child’s interest in studying over the past six years.
Carolyn was secretly happy that her sister did not attend the same school as her, as she now did not have to bear her constant taunts and malice. She felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders and therefore was much more cheerful and at ease.
Finally, she also found a friend. Laura Carson, who lived in Newhaven with her mother, not far from Seaford. The two girls got along right from the beginning and soon noticed that they had a lot in common. They were immediately so close as if they had known each other from an early age. Laura was a small, delicate girl with flaxen hair, sea-blue eyes, and many freckles on her small button nose. Like Carolyn, she was of a quiet nature and just as eager to learn and ambitious. Carolyn spent a large part of her spare time with Laura. Laura loved books as much as she did, and sometimes the two friends just quietly sat together, each of them engrossed in her book. Then they spent hours philosophising about the value of the literature they had read and exchanged their thoughts and feelings about the respective book. Both girls loved Charles Dickens’ books, especially David Copperfield. The Brontë sisters were equally popular with both of them. Jane Eyre’s bitter fate had affected Carolyn deeply, to the extent that she couldn’t stop musing about it and discussed the story with Laura, even after having finished the book. Carolyn felt free with Laura, and most importantly, she felt accepted for the first time in her life. The relationship of the two friends was based on mutual affection and respect. The time spent with Laura meant a lot to Carolyn, it was just as precious as the time she spent in solitude in her beloved Cradle Valley.
On the weekends, the two girls went to the beach in Seaford together. The late summer was beautiful that year and there was no more pleasant pastime for the friends than to sit on a blanket on the bright pebble beach, chat or read a gripping book. Sometimes they just sat next to each other in silence, dreamily looking out at the heaving sea, where thousands upon thousands of silver stars danced in an eternal rhythm in the radiant sunlight. In the evenings, they often strolled along the beach promenade, occasionally sat down in one of the gazebos and watched in fascination how the sun slowly approached the sea on the horizon, turned into a red-gold fireball and eventually disappeared into the sea.
Another of the girl’s favourite spots was Hindover Hill, an observation point just outside the town.
For the first time in her young life, Carolyn was truly happy. She had finally found a kindred spirit, a person with whom she could talk and be silent, laugh and cry, in whom she could confide everything that afflicted her. She could pour her heart out to Laura and be absolute sure that her friend understood her. That was why Laura was the only person Carolyn told about her secret place in Cradle Valley.
***
On one day in spring, when the two girls had already known each other for more than half a year, Carolyn decided to take her friend along to her fairytale valley. She wanted to prove her strong affection and trust with this gesture. Enroute, a small, grey kitten crossed their way. It was totally emaciated and looked absolutely pitiful. It rubbed itself around Carolyn’s legs, mewing woefully.
“Oh, Laura, look! What a sweet, little thing,” Carolyn called out with delight.
“It looks as if it’s starving,” Laura said, full of sympathy and bent down to pet the cat.
“Do you think it has a home?” Carolyn asked.
“It doesn’t look like it,” Laura remarked reluctantly. By now she knew her friend well enough to vaguely anticipate what she was thinking.
“Then I’ll take it home with me,” Carolyn decided as Laura had expected. “We can’t let the kitten starve, Laura!”
“And what are you going to tell your mother? You always complained that she definitely doesn’t want any pets around.”
Carolyn furrowed her brow. Yes, what would she tell her mother, who had always spoken out strongly against having pets.
“I won’t take it into the house but build a small hut for it in the garden,” she then remarked. “Nobody could mind that, could they?”
Laura wasn’t so sure about that but nodded and remarked: “Well it’s worth a try. But let’s see if it’s a girl or a boy. Lift it up and I’ll check.”
Carolyn beamed. Now she had something that was hers alone, something she could love! She lifted the kitten tenderly and held it up.
“It’s a boy,” Laura declared after a short glance.
“Oh, how nice. I’ll call him Dusty.” Carolyn smiled happily and petted the kitten affectionately.
The friends first picked up some cat food from the nearby supermarket and spent a wonderful afternoon in Cradle Valley together with little Dusty. Laura had never before seen her friend so happy and laid-back. Her eyes sparkled and her face wore a soft, completely relaxed expression.
Debbie Harris, as expected,
was everything else but pleased when Carolyn returned home with the small kitten. After much pleading and begging amid tears and the promise never to bring the kitten into the house however, she relented after all.
“Okay, okay, I’ll allow it, but on one condition,” she said and rolled her eyes as if she was about to faint any moment. “If this creature shows up in the house even once and rubs itself around my legs, it has to go immediately. Do you understand, Lynn?”
“Yes, Mummy. You can count on me. Dusty won’t annoy you, promise!”
“Dusty?” her mother clamoured. “Good heavens! What kind of a name is that!?” Then she went into the kitchen without waiting for the answer which was already on Carolyn’s lips.
“He is grey, and I found him in the dust of the street,” she whispered.
CHAPTER 8
During the summer holidays Carolyn was allowed to occasionally stay at Laura’s in Newhaven over-night. Laura’s mother, Doreen Carson, liked Carolyn a lot. She had immediately noticed how similar the two girls were and was convinced that the two of them had built up a valuable friendship.
Laura and Carolyn were the best students in their class and were called swots by many other students. The girls however didn’t care, as they had each other and were thick as thieves. Their mutual trust was very strong and therefore they didn’t keep secrets from each other. So, Laura of course knew about Carolyn’s conflicts with her twin sister, Carolyn had even told Laura about the incident with the names. Unlike Carolyn’s mother, Laura didn’t think it ridiculous at all, but understood how hurtful such an event could be for a small child of four. That was why Laura had called her friend Carry from the start.
In the early autumn of the following year, the girls were thirteen years old, Carolyn complained to her friend that, as a matter of course, Carina had started to help herself to her school utensils when her own were used up. Instead of buying new supplies for school with the money her mother gave her for that purpose, Carina used the money as additional pocket money. To top it all, Carolyn was then scolded by their mother for needing money for new school supplies so often.
