Innocence

by Lucy St. John

Chapter 24

  Dante drove me back to the dorms in one of the pizza shop’s delivery cars. In the wee hours, the campus was quiet. Yet, it still moved with students trekking back from parties or from hook-ups with temporary lovers. I was now one of those people. A college coed doing her version of the walk of shame. But not really. I would not buy into those sexist judgments from an age of feminist suppression that was history now. Women weren’t whores for exploring their sexuality. Especially not at college, this oasis away from the real world where we could be adults with none of the responsibilities. If you didn’t live life to the fullest here, then when would you?

  During the small talk after our ravaging sexual adventure, the ferocity of which had both shocked and thrilled me, Dante filled me in on his past. He was smart and drop-dead handsome. But he had absolutely no interest in college. He had a business – and his entire future -- right in front of him. One day, he knew he would own a piece of his family’s pizza chain, the business passed from father to son. Just like the world used to work.

  But could a woman like me be content with a man who rolled pizza dough every day, day in and day out?

  The very thought was absurd and much too early in our – what was it? Could it even be called a relationship? Would I want to be seen around campus with my Pizza Man? My decidedly non-college-bound Italian stud-muffin?

  I didn’t know. I didn’t know anything yet.

  They only thing I did know was that Dante and I had shared a sexual chemistry that stopped a few seconds short of intercourse. All this, after being together all of a few minutes. I was no virgin. I had sampled a few awkward high school couplings. But nothing like this. Nothing as passionate and urgent. And certainly nothing approaching the mind-numbing pleasure of this. Not even close.

  When Dante dropped down on his knees, he brought me to mine. I crumbled – literally dissembled – under the expert pleasure of his meandering tongue and hot, hungry mouth. And I didn’t even return the favor. He wouldn’t let me. What a man. What a lover.

  He pulled the car marked with the pizza delivery sign to the curb of my East Halls residence. He shoved the transmission into park, then turned to me.

  “I hope you had a good time,” he said, one side of his mouth lifting into a knowing smile.

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes,” I said. “I definitely did. I just don’t know how to thank you. Is that a weird thing to say?”

  He shook his head. “No. You’re polite. Not rude like your mouthy friend.”

  “Sonya,” I put in. “She’s harmless.”

  He waved a hand, as if shooing away the subject.

  “I don’t care about her,” he said. “Only you. When do I see you more?”

  It was a good question. I didn’t know what to tell him.

  My face must have appeared stricken with doubt, because Dante read something in my hesitation.

  “It’s late,” he said. “You go, okay?”

  This guy, he understood me. He just got me. I leaned over to him, wrapping my arms around his strong shoulders. I kissed him with meaning. Sure, I expressed my sexual gratitude toward him. But was I also communicating finality? Was this it for us, two star-crossed lovers separated by the town-gown borders of Old State?

  I pulled back from him, catching his eyes with mine, then averting my gaze.

  “Tonight was--” I shook my head. “I don’t know what it was. But I wouldn’t have changed a thing, Dante. Not one thing.”

  He nodded. “Me, too.”

  Then the leaned across me and pulled the latch on the door, shoving it open.

  “Get some sleep, Monica,” he said. “I hope to see you soon. All right?”

  I nodded, grabbed his hand, and squeezed it firmly in mine. Part of me didn’t want to let go. But I did.

  I climbed out, turned to him, smiled one last time, then shut the door.

  My heels clicked on the sidewalk, as Dante watched from the car as I walked toward the dorm. As I approached the door, reaching for my keycard to swipe in the lock, a voice called from the shadows.

  “I knew it,” the voice said. “You’re just like all the rest.”

  It gave me a start, and I swung around.

  I turned to see Alec Keegan, his face shrouded in shadow beneath the raised hood of his sweatshirt.

  “Alec?” I exclaimed, my heart racing. “What are you doing here?”

  He stepped from the bushes near the sidewalk, where he had been waiting. Waiting and watching. For me!

  “What are you doing?” he asked, stepping toward me and raising an accusing finger. “That’s the question of the hour, Monica. What are you doing?”

  On instinct, I backed away from him, trying to play it cool.

  “Going to bed,” I said, fingering my keycard.

  Alec sneered. “Jumping from one bed to another,” he mumbled in a defeated tone. “Just like all the rest.”

  He shook his head in disappointment.

  “I don’t know what you think you know,” I blurted back. “But you’re wrong.”

  He jerked his head toward the street.

  “So you’re gonna tell me you’re just getting a ride?” Alec said, his voice dripping with condemnation as he, literally, backed me into a corner by the door.

  “What? You got hungry? For Italian?” He shook his head. “I think it was something else. Were you were hungry for something else?”

  My back was pressed up against the glass door of my dorm. Alec was right in front of me now. I had nowhere to go.

  That’s when I heard Dante’s voice, calling out as he sprinted down the sidewalk.

  “Monica?” he shouted. “Are you all right?”

  Immediately, Alec backed away, turning to size up the competition. And when he got a look at Dante, he turned back to me.

  “This?” Alec said, his voice incredulous. “This is what you want? The Italian Stallion?”

  Dante was upon us now, huffing air and exuding testosterone.

  “What’s going here?” Dante demanded. He looked Alec up and down, but the John Lennon look-alike wouldn’t look at him.

  Dante turned to me. “Are you okay? Does he bother you?”

  I was so shocked, so confused, I couldn’t form words.

  “She’s fine,” Alec answered for me. “So why don’t you leave us alone. Tell him, Monica. Tell him to get lost.”

  Dante stared at me. My eyes widened with confusion, and I didn’t say anything. Alec read my consternation as his victory.

  “See there, Sylvester Stallone,” Alec said. “She’s done with you. Your simian qualities were good for one thing and one thing only. Now that our little Monica has gotten her rocks off, she’s back to living among the enlightened, not the Neanderthals. So beat it, Pizza Boy.”

  “Hey,” Dante growled, becoming the very thing that Alec wanted – a beast. Alec wanted to provoke the beast so that I could see what Dante really was.

  “You’re rude, buddy!” Dante poked a finger hard into Alec’s chest.

  “Then do something about it,” Alec dared, wanting to be the victim.

  I watched this male dick-measuring contest play out like an observer, instead of the catalyst, instead of the cause. But I would not play that passive role. Not in my own life. No more!

  “Stop it!” I shouted. “Both of you.”

  Dante turned to me. “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  I dipped my head. “Thank you. I’m fine. Alec was just going.”

  I turned to Alec, but he didn’t move. “Leave Alec,” I said. “Now.”

  Dante turned to him, setting his jaw and squeezing his hands into fists.

  Alec sneered, then blew out air. Finally, he relented and began walking away.

  “You, too, Dante,” I whispered. “I appreciate what you did, but it’s time to go. Just leave things alone, okay?”

  He dipped his head, appearing defeated by my words. I was the only thing that could make him bow.

  “Leave you alone?” he asked, starin
g at the ground.

  I took a deep breath, then blew it out.

  “I’m not saying that,” I said. “I’m not saying anything, okay? It’s just that I have my life here on campus--”

  I hesitated, but then completed the thought. “And I really don’t think you can be part of that. Do you understand?”

  He lifted his eyes to mine, staring back until it was me who looked away.

  Without saying another word, he turned and walked to his car.

  I watched him go, so conflicted, so confused.

  I whispered under my breath, “Dante.” But he never heard me. And of course, I meant for him not to hear. But I couldn’t wholly stop myself from crying out to him.

  I watched him get in the car and start the ignition. Then I turned, swiped the card scanner, and entered the dorm.

  When I pushed into my room, hoping to see Sonya so we could talk, I was let down again.

  Her loft was empty, off with Josh, perhaps.

  And I was alone.

  Again.