by Tara Brown
The cold water shocks me. The air is warmer than last time but the water is still really cold. I want to scream and holler and have fun. I glance back at Sarah. "Can you swim?"
She shakes her head.
I swim back but Mary steps in and mothers her. "I won't leave your side. We will do it together, and I won't let go, okay?"
Sarah smiles and pulls her shirt off. She kicks her pants off and sits at the edge of the water and dips her toes in. She gasps from the cold.
Mary sits on the edge beside her and lifts herself into the water delicately. She hangs on to the rock and takes Sarah's hand. Sarah lets her body flop into the water, not gracefully.
She panics and slaps her hands around like Leo does when he swims.
Mary takes her hands and focuses her face. “Calm. Swimming is all about being calm."
Sarah is gasping in fear. Mary takes her hands and kisses them both. “Stay calm. Now trust me and we'll have you swimming in no time."
Sarah stops slapping and splashing. Mary turns her on her back. “Just relax. Let me float you. You look at the stars."
I decide to do the same. I lie on my back. I let go of watching Sarah freak out and just float. She makes me nervous whereas the water calms me.
Mary's soft voice whispers to us both. "Relax the body and let the water lick at it. Feel my hands holding you up. I'm strong enough to do that. Look at the stars. Look at the shapes on the moon."
The moon is so bright and blue. I've never seen it like this before. "It's so blue,” I say to no one.
Mary laughs. “It happens once in a blue moon. The moon appears blue because of dust and debris in the air."
It makes me sad that there is a possibility they’ve blown something else up. The bombings in the beginning were bad. The dust in the air and debris were insane. It blocked the sun out for a while but the storms came and cleared the air with rain, tons of rain. I think it’s the only thing that saved us—the rain. The TVs in Brian's bunker were filled with images of the war in the beginning—the sick wandering the streets dying or somehow living with the sores and brain damage from the high fevers.
The bombs dropped first when some countries assumed it was viral warfare from others. But then the bombs were used to kill the infected. The hospitals were overrun and the cities were wastelands. So burning them seemed to make sense.
The mess they left us is bad enough. To have the group who masterminded it all left behind with us is a cruel joke.
I lose myself in it all and watch the moon. We made such a mess of this place.
I look to the side of me and the water is flat again. Sarah and Mary have climbed out. The stars are reflecting in the water. I am lying amongst the stars. I am one with the universe.
The only ripple comes from my body. I lie completely still and am one with it all. I am in the sky, floating and being.
The moon is so bright that the stars seem muted up close to it. I lie like that until waves rock me. I look up to see Jake in the water with me and let my body sink. I am naked and imagine he is, as well.
"It's so amazing here,” Anna shouts, standing on the big rock on the shore.
Jake looks up. The beauty silences him.
Anna jumps in, barely making a ripple in the water. She surfaces next to me.
She smiles. “Meg is never going to forgive you."
I snort. “She's lucky I don’t tan her hide with Jake's belt."
He frowns. “Keep me out of your savagery. I'm a lover, not a fighter."
Anna rolls her eyes. “Who have you been loving?” Her face goes red when she realizes what she's said.
Jake laughs as a white figure jumps from the rock in a perfect dive. Will surfaces beside Anna and makes a face. “Are you guys naked?"
Anna swims away from him. “Okay, gross. You couldn’t keep that conversation in your mind? I'm in my undies."
Jake laughs again. “Me too."
Will nods. “Okay good. Me too.” His eyes dart to me. I can see the glisten of them in the moonlight. “What about you?"
I point. “Just stay over there."
His booming laugh echoes off the rock walls. There is joy and mystery in the swimming hole.
Jake looks at Will. “So, this is where you were?”
Will gives a short nod. “Some of the time."
Anna snorts and splashes him. “Rough. We were out running away from slavers, the others, the infected who just don’t die, and you were here?"
He looks sad. “I came for you."
I feel awkward in the conversation. I want to climb out, but I don’t want to flash my naked butt at them when I do. I turn and look up at the moon again and try to keep my body in the water.
Her voice is emotional. The humor is gone. “When? When did you come for us?"
"Anna, they made me work in a camp for a year, and then they tested me and sent me to the breeder camps. I was there for three months. I looked for you after that."
She sounds livid. “How long? For how long?"
"Anna, stop, okay? We're all together now,” Jake pleads with her.
"No, Jake. He left us."
Will sighs again. “Anna, I looked for two years. Every town, every bar and brothel. I looked in the slaver camps I snuck into, just in case. I looked. I mourned you. I made a small headstone and had a funeral because I couldn’t bear to be empty anymore. Ask Emma. When I met her and she said your names, I almost got eaten by Leo for attacking her. We walked across the mountains and looked for you. I looked. I've crossed the country three times.” His voice is cracking.
She sobs. “You left us. We starved. We ran and fought and ran some more.” Her sobs are muffled.
I look and Will is holding her. “I have you now. I will never leave you again."
Jake is in on the hug. I pretend to watch the stars and moon. I wish I were on the moon. I am cold and uncomfortable. I don’t understand what is happening. How can they say such cruel things to each other and then hug?
They all hug and sniffle, and finally I can't take it. I dive under the water and swim under it all the way to the flat rock. I leap out and pull myself up on the rock. I grab my clothes and run up the hill. I hear their voices calling me.
It's just like the first time. I need to start making reservations so I can have the bloody water hole to myself. I pull on my tangled and sopping-wet clothes on the trail. I can feel the dirt sticking to my feet and being dragged into my pants. Before I'm even fully dressed, I run up to the fire to hide out. Mary walks up to me with a mug of cider. I take it and sip. The sweetness is overwhelming but the warmth is amazing.
"Meg isn’t the first girl with Eric. I'm sorry I doubted you."
I want to nod and say okay, but I know I broke the law too. “I'm sorry for fighting. Is his arm okay?"
She laughs. “Nope. He had to get stitches, and you broke his nose and blackened both his eyes."
I grin and sip the cider. “I want to feel bad. Does that count?"
She giggles and the white-haired devil comes to my side. Leo is lying at the fire.
Mary kisses his little hands and speaks softly to him, “No wolfie, okay? He's sleeping and he will bite you."
The little beast curls up in her lap and I have a hard time hating him. It's fleeting. A spark lands on him and he shrieks. She carries him off to bed.
Meg walks up but doesn’t look at me. She speaks as if it's to the fire. “I don’t want to forgive you, but I know what you was at. My momma would have liked what you done. I have to be honest about that. My momma always said no older boys."
I hand her my mug and she sips it.
"That’s generous of you, Meg. I didn’t mean to lose it. I just don’t do well with that sort of stuff."
Meg bumps against me with her arm. “Oh shoot, Emma, I knows you a virgin. You got a sign over your forehead that says pure."
I cringe. “Not so much anymore."
She turns sharply. “What? With Jake? I figured Will, but after meeting Jake, I don’t know wh
ich I'd take. Though it's good you picked, ‘cause between me and you, Mary has been eyeballing the younger brother like a bear in heat."
My granny always said that, it makes me smile and shake my head. “At the breeder farms—"
"Oh, Lord. No. Not you. Not like that,” she interrupts and covers her eyes.
“No, it's not like you think. It's all done with machines and instruments. No men. The doctor did it in a lab with a tool. I saw a flash of silver anyway."
She looks horrified. She crosses herself, and it's the first time I've seen someone do that in a long time. “No wonder you come on back and attacked Eric. You ain't never gonna have sex after something like that."
I'm not traumatized from the event as much anymore. I’m not over it—I don't think I ever will be but I don't want to think about it, at all. I explained what had happened to me when I saw Anna in the center, and she said she’d gone through the same thing. It’s something they do so you don't lose your virginity giving birth. I know what a virgin is. I know I am not, not technically. "I feel okay with it now. It was bad but I've had worse things done to me in my life." It’s a lie but I don't want to admit the pain of it all or be forced to think about it.
She accepts it and smiles. “Ain't that the truth.” She sips the cider in the firelight and I forget everything. I let it burn and float away with the ash from the logs.
"So you ain't picked one of them brothers? They both like you."
“I don't want to pick one of them. I don't want the same things as them. Everyone here wants to meet a person and be a couple and live like the world didn't end. But I don't want that. The world did end.” I shake my head. “It's a dilemma."
She giggles. “Not a bad dilemma, if you ask me. In this world you could do a LOT worse than them two boys. You need to stop living like the world is gonna end again. They burned it all, Em. Ain’t nothing left for them to take from us."
I shrug and sit on the log, knowing she’s wrong. Loving people gives them something to take. I hear a twig snap and look to the right where the path is. Will is naked, holding clothes over his genitals. “I want my clothes, Emma. Now."
"What?" What the hell is he doing?
Meg whistles softly and nods. “Best night at camp yet.”
"You took my clothes.” He raises an eyebrow and walks into my tent. “I want them back now.”
His bare butt almost makes me uncomfortable in a weird way. It's muscled and for a split second I glance at Meg. She makes a biting gesture like it's an apple. I grimace and follow him to the tent.
I contemplate for a split second just taking the clothes off and standing naked outside of the tent for everyone to see. I might actually be safer outside naked than inside and half naked.
I stand there for a second and contemplate my dilemma of him telling me he likes me, and how much it just got worse.
Looking down at the outfit, I can't believe I never noticed how huge the clothes I'm wearing are or that they smell just like him.
"Emma. Now.” His voice makes me jump and without thinking, I step into the tent. I can't see him in the dark of it. I am grateful. That means he can't see me either.
I pull the shirt off and hold it out into the darkness with my other arm wrapped around my breasts. When his hand meets mine, I snatch the shirt from him and quickly pull it on. I drag the pants down and feel weird being half naked in front of him. I hold the pants out for him, but he pulls me into his naked embrace. My t-shirt is the only thing either of us has on. His hands are on my bare backside but luckily the pants I’m holding are between us.
His lips meet my cheek. He pulls me up and squeezes the air out of me. He buries his face in my neck. My feet touch the floor of the tent again, and I get enough strength to push him off. My skin is on fire. I don’t even know what I'm supposed to do next. I should run but I like him touching me. I like it when his hands and lips are against me. I’m just grateful it’s dark and he can’t see how much I think my expression is saying yes to him.
He laughs a throaty laugh. “You pretending you don't like me is only going to last so long. We both know how you feel about me.”
“I don't know anything of the sort.” I stumble back and quickly pull my pants on. My body feels funny. My pants feel tight and constricting. "I don’t want to be a notch on someone's belt, Will.” I walk out of the tent and feel proud of myself. I love when I can use lines from Granny's romance novels. It feels like she handed the wisdom down to me through the books.
I don’t actually get the image of notching a belt every time you make love to someone, but Will is exactly like the roguish men in Granny's novels. He is too good looking and cocky.
I want to be the virginal bride who falls for the right guy. The guy like Jake. Honest, loyal, fun, and sweet.
I stand at the fire and let the heat seep into me.
Meg glances up and smiles. “That tent's been awfully busy lately."
I frown at her. “Remember you're fifteen, please. You aren’t twenty-five."
She shrugs. “Ain't no one getting to no twenty-five, Emma. We gotta live for today and enjoy what we got right now. Two months ago, I had a momma. Now I got you. I'm grateful. Even if you are a pain in the ass."
I snort at her.
Sarah walks up and snuggles into my arm. I think about the creepy guy who got his dirty old-man claws into Meg, and I whisper in her ear, “You stay with me, Meg, Mary, or Anna at all times, okay?"
She glances up at me and nods. “Okay."
"Don’t go in the woods or tents with anyone you don’t know or any men. Men are the devil."
She responds with a shiver and a cuddle. I should probably follow that advice, as well.
"I like Will and Jake,” she turns and whispers.
I hug her tighter and walk to the bonfire. Jake is already playing the guitar. Apparently, they're a musical family. Anna is sitting on a log waiting for me. When I sit, she passes me a glass of cider. It tastes like it has liquor added to the already strong cider.
Will carries his guitar over and sits beside Jake. They smile at each other. Will joins in and starts singing. Their fingers move fast. Meg smacks a tambourine.
"This was our dad's favorite song. Group called The Lumineers. They were huge in 2012. Dad, Jake, and Will saw them live in Denver.” Will's voice is perfect for the song. He and Jake sing, shouting something about Ho and Hey. I am in love with them and how big they make my world feel.
People are dancing around the fire and drinking. It feels like I'm camping, not hiding in the woods as the world falls apart.
Chapter Nineteen
I watch Sarah and Leo splashing around the swimming hole. Her dog paddle matches his.
Jake sits next to me. “You avoiding me?"
Heat creeps up my cheeks. “No. I just, you know. I just . . . well. No.” I am an idiot most times. Boys seem to make it worse—unless I'm punching them in the face.
He laughs. “You are. I'm sorry I kissed you that day. If I'd known you were going to get weird, I wouldn’t have done it."
I glance at him without taking my eyes off Sarah and Leo. “Don't be sorry. I'm glad you kissed me.” Maybe I should just punch him in the mouth.
His goofy smile makes my face hotter. His eyes make me happy. He's sweet and honest and I love him. I know I do. I look at his lips and I have the funniest feeling in my belly.
He leans in to kiss me, but I pull back and look at Sarah. “Not in front of her."
He looks down. “Sorry. I forgot you're a role model now."
The idea of it makes me laugh. “Yes. Either there is no God at all or he has a great sense of humor."
Sarah splashes Leo and he swims to the shore. He shakes and splashes dog water on us. I put my hands out as if they will stop the flood of raindrops being fired at us. He makes his silly wolf face and shakes once more.
"You little brat."
He pads to where I am and lies in the sun.
Sarah swims to the flat rock and looks at us. Her
blue eyes sparkle in the sun like Jake's.
"You guys kind of look related,” she says.
I look at Jake and raise an eyebrow.
He wraps an arm around me. “Maybe one day we will be. By marriage."
I squirm out of his arms. “You're a goof."
Anna comes down the path. “Hey, guys."
She pulls her shirt off and her pants down. She jumps into the water. A flash of beige underwear and a white tank top fill my view.
Jake covers his eyes. “It burns. It burns. Why don’t the villagers knit swimsuits? Jesus."
Anna laughs and splashes us. “Yeah, because I would wear knitted undies, moron."
She swims in a circle and smiles at me. “I love this place."
"It's pretty awesome,” I say.
"Are we staying here?” Sarah asks and pulls herself up onto the rock. She lies next to Leo in the sun. I can tell by the shift in his position that Jake is uncomfortable. Underwear isn’t great coverage.
I look at the water and nod slowly. “You and Anna and Meg are. I have to go and free the women from the breeder camps."
Jake looks back at me. He disapproves. “You aren’t doing anything that involves that place."
I look at him but don’t bother starting an argument. I know what I have to do. Instead, I smile softly. “Jake, you and Will are amazing musicians."
His cheeks redden. “Yeah, Dad was big on music. Only Miss Thang over there and Mom were non-musical. Me and Dad and Will were always playing instruments."
Sarah grins at him. “Can you teach me?"
He nods. “Yeah, maybe I can teach you and Emma at the same time. You know, this week sometime.”
I glance at Jake and try to ignore his incredibly long eyelashes or grin. “I'm going up."
He stands awkwardly. His leg is still not one hundred percent. “I'll come with you."
"Anna, can you hang with Sarah and make sure she doesn’t drown?"
"Yup."
Jake takes my hand in his and pulls me up the hill. “Want to take a nap like the one we had on the couch at the farmhouse?"
I chuckle. “No, I want to find out what the capabilities are of the camps. We're going to need help."
