Once again, I closed my eyes and gave myself a pep talk. “Is your necklace . . . I mean, is it . . . ?”
“You mean is it a collar?”
I nodded.
“Yes,” she answered as if she were talking about the weather. She didn’t miss a beat of eating her salad. “It’s one of them. I have several, but this is the one I usually wear to work.”
One of them? “Why?” I swallowed nervously. “Why do you have more than one?”
“Well, I have ones I wear every day, and then ones that are only for the playroom.”
“Play . . . room?” No matter how much I wished it weren’t so, I could hear my voice shake.
“Yes, the playroom.” She cocked her head to the side. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t like playrooms,” I whispered.
“Why not?” she asked. This time, I could hear the concern in her voice.
I bit my lip and closed my eyes. My heart was hammering in my chest. I was trying not to remember. “Pain,” I choked out the word.
“Oh, Brianna,” she cried. “I’m so sorry.”
Her hand reached out to take mine across the table again. I didn’t pull away. “I don’t . . . I mean, I can’t . . .” Lily seemed to be at a loss for words. That was rare. “Playrooms can be fun. I promise you. It isn’t all about pain.”
“But there is some pain?” I asked, my voice cracking.
“Yes,” she said. “Every Dom is different, but I know you’re most concerned with how Stephan is.”
I nodded again and tried to keep my mind in the present. The last thing I needed was to fall into a memory. This was information I needed to know.
“Stephan is always fair with his punishments. I’ve never known him to be overly harsh, but they are still punishments.”
Lily grabbed my hand again. I realized it was shaking. “Are you all right, Brianna?”
I heard her, but I didn’t know how to answer her. Was I all right?
Her grip on my hand tightened. “Brianna?”
I registered movement around us, but not what it was. There was Lily’s hand, keeping me from slipping from reality.
“Brianna? Say something. Please?”
“I’m . . .” I was trying hard. “I don’t . . . I don’t know . . . if I can . . . do it . . . Lily.”
The next thing I knew, Lily had her arms wrapped around me in a hug. I leaned into her. “What is it that you don’t think you can do?” she asked.
“Be his submissive. I don’t think I . . . can,” I said almost choking. The thought of leaving him was painful, but I would have to if I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I’d have no choice.
Lily just held me. It was nice, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted it to be his arms instead of hers.
As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I began sobbing again. She tried to soothe me and eventually, I did calm down.
I looked down and noticed our untouched meals. Lily didn’t seem bothered by this at all, as she began talking again. “I know you’re scared, Brianna, but you shouldn’t be.”
We were now both sitting up in our seats again, and she encouraged me to start eating. I took a few bites of the duck. It was good, so I ate more.
“Do you like sitting in Stephan’s lap?”
I nodded, but she seemed frustrated.
“How do you feel about kneeling? I know you do that when he comes home.”
I stopped eating and thought about it. How did I feel? It was something I’d done out of habit. Something I’d not really thought about before.
When I didn’t answer, she continued. “Do you like it? Does it make you feel anything?”
“It . . .” I stopped and thought about it for a minute. “I like when he touches my hair,” I whispered, thinking back to how his hand would feel running through my hair. How he’d say ‘Good evening, Brianna’ in that voice of his that made me feel safe and secure.
Lily smiled. “So you don’t hate it. How do you feel about serving him? Doing things for him?”
Again, I thought about it. When he was happy, I was happy. It was very hard to explain, but I tried.
“What is it about being a submissive that scares you so much? Aside from the pain, of course,” she asked.
Here it goes. “I’m not sure if I can be what he wants. I mean, I’d have to do everything he says, right?”
Lily took a few bites of her fish before answering. “That’s partially true. I mean you do have to do what he tells you when you’re playing, but you always have your safewords if you feel you need them.”
“What do you mean when we’re playing?”
When I asked that question, her eyes lit up. “Well, not every couple plays all the time. Logan and I are pretty much like a normal couple during the week. It’s only on weekends that he is my Master,” she said.
“Is that what Stephan will want?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s something you’ll have to discuss with him. He’s only had two collared submissives though, and with those, they only played on weekends, too. During the week, they would go out. Date. One would never know what they did on the weekends.” Lily smirked.
“You said you and . . . Logan, were pretty much like a normal couple during the week. What . . . ?”
“What did I mean by that?” she asked the question for me. “There are certain things that I am responsible for and if I fail to do them, I will suffer punishment no matter what day it is.”
I shivered. She noticed.
“Don’t get me wrong, Brianna. Punishments aren’t pleasant. They aren’t meant to be, but they are bearable. And it’s not like you don’t know it’s coming. You broke a rule, after all.”
“So he wouldn’t just . . . hurt me?” I asked.
She finished her food before answering me. “I’m not saying that there aren’t Dominants out there that would, but we’re talking about Stephan. He doesn’t like handing out punishments, but he will if his rules aren’t followed. Stephan likes submission and being in control of things. He likes knowing that someone’s pleasure comes only from him.” She paused for a moment and then got that smirk on her face again. “Of course, that’s pretty much consistent no matter the Dominant.”
I was trying to take this all in. It was a complete contradiction to what I had in my mind. I kept picturing him standing over me. One minute his face would be that of the Stephan I’d come to know over the past month and a half, the next it would be just as cold and hard as Ian’s had been. What was the truth?
The server came to remove our plates and she asked if we wanted dessert. We both declined, and Lily handed her a credit card. When the woman walked away, Lily went back to watching me once more.
“I know you’re scared, and you have every right to be. I can’t tell you what decision to make, but I will tell you that Stephan is a good man, and that he cares about you.”
I didn’t respond, and the server came back with the receipt. Lily signed the slip and then got up to leave. I followed her out.
The ride back to Stephan’s condo was quiet. She seemed to know that I needed time to think. Every time I thought about being his submissive, I felt myself break out into a sweat. When I would think about leaving him, my chest would tighten and it was almost painful to breathe.
Once we were at Stephan’s building, Lily took a detour to the garage and her car. She pulled out a garment bag and threw it over her arm before hooking her elbow with mine and dragging me back into the elevator.
The ride up was quick. It was the middle of the day and most other tenants were at work. Lily couldn’t seem to stand still. I could tell she was excited about something.
I let us into the condo just seconds before Lily grabbed my hand and dragged me into my room. It was useless to resist, and I figured at least this way, I’d be able to find out what all her excitement was regarding.
She didn’t make me wait long. Lily hung the garment bag on a hook by my bathroom door and opened it up to reveal a long
purple dress. “Do you like it?” she asked.
“What?” I stuttered, not sure what she was talking about, or why she was showing me the most unbelievable dress.
“For the dinner, silly.” When I still looked confused, she added, “Saturday. Stephan said you needed a dress.”
Oh. Yes. The dinner. Saturday. The dinner I’d told Stephan I’d accompany him to as his date.
I felt the blood rushing out of my face and dizziness began to take over. Hands guided me to the bed and pushed my head between my knees.
My world was spinning less, but the panic was still just below the surface. I knew what I’d agreed to, but seeing the dress made it all too real. How was I going to do this?
I felt something being pressed against my ear and then I heard his voice.
“Brianna? Are you there?”
“Yes,” I breathed.
“Concentrate. Listen to my voice. You’re fine. Nothing is going to hurt you,” he said in that voice that you just couldn’t argue with.
I nodded even though I knew he couldn’t see.
“Now, tell me what’s wrong.”
“I saw . . . the . . . dress,” I squeaked.
“You don’t like it?” he asked.
The fog was beginning to lift as I talked to him. “It’s beautiful.”
“Then what’s the problem? Why did you start to panic?”
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
“Do you want to go to the dinner with me?”
It was so much harder when he wasn’t here in front of me, but the memory of him asking still lingered. “Yes.”
“Do you doubt my ability to keep you safe?”
“No,” I quickly assured him.
“Then I see no problem. Try on your dress with Lily and we’ll talk about this more when I get home. Can you do that?”
“Yes, Sir. I can do that.”
“Good,” he said, and I could tell he was happy with my response. It made me smile. “I’ll see you tonight.”
Then he was gone, and I was left with Lily. She was less excited now and worry crossed her features. I tried to give her a little smile to let her know I was okay. The look on her face told me she didn’t buy it. Nevertheless, Lily held out her hand for me. She helped me put on the dress and guided me over to a long mirror in the corner. It was tight around my breasts and waist before it flowed to the floor. The way the dress touched the carpet made it look like I was floating. I couldn’t see my feet.
“Will he . . . ?” I paused. “I mean . . .”
Lily’s head peeked around my shoulder, and she moved my hair out of the way so that my neck was fully exposed except for Stephan’s collar. “Yes,” she smiled. “I think Stephan will like it very much.”
Stephan
The day could not end quickly enough. I wanted to get home to Brianna. I needed to see her. Speak to her. Feel her. It was the only thing on my mind.
When I’d seen Lily’s name on my caller ID earlier it had taken great restraint not to bolt from my office and rush home. I knew there could only be one reason why she would be calling me; there had to be something wrong with Brianna.
When I stepped off the elevator, I felt the pressure in my chest begin to change. She was only yards away, just behind the door that was now in plain view. Both my body and my mind knew what it wanted. Her.
I turned the doorknob and walked into my condo. My eyes immediately began to search for Brianna.
She was right where I thought she’d be, just outside the kitchen waiting for me as she had been yesterday. The difference today was that she was looking up at me and smiling. I dropped my keys on the table beside the door and went to her.
I circled my arms around her, bringing her close. I heard a small sigh escape her as my hands traveled up her back and into her hair. “How are you feeling?” I whispered before pulling back to look into her eyes.
“Better,” she said, looking just as relieved as I felt.
I wondered if she felt any of the same pull I felt toward her. Even if she did, would it be enough for her to stay? Would she give a relationship between the two of us an opportunity to develop? Or would fear from her past block any chance we had? I didn’t know the answer, and I’m not sure she did either.
With that thought, I closed my eyes and let my lips find hers. She opened up to me and kissed me back. It was not full of heat like our kiss the night before, but it was just as full of emotion. At least, it was for me. I had no idea what Brianna was feeling. Although she was getting better every day, she was still reluctant to share her true feelings with me. I was hoping that would change soon. More than anything, I wanted to know what she was thinking.
We ate dinner—a delicious pasta dish with shrimp—and cleaned up. I went to my chair, and once she was finished she came to sit with me. I figured I would get right to the point and see where the conversation took us. “Tell me what happened with Lily.” I didn’t need to elaborate. She knew what I was talking about.
Brianna’s hands began to twist nervously in her lap. I covered them tightly with mine, which made her stop and look up. She wasn’t getting out of this. I wanted answers.
“What if I can’t . . . I mean, all those people. What if they know . . . what will they think of me? What if I . . . can’t . . . act right?”
I lifted my hand to brush the hair away from her face. It wasn’t a practical gesture since her hair wasn’t obstructing my view in any way. I just wanted to touch her. “You’ll be fine. It will be fine. I will hold your hand the entire night if you need me to.”
She nodded, but that wasn’t good enough. I needed her to talk this through.
“I need more than a nod, Brianna.”
“I . . . know.” She sighed. “Part of me knows that you will stay with me. That you wouldn’t let anything happen to me.” She pressed her lips together before she continued. “But there is this little voice inside that tells me to be afraid. That people are going to hurt me. I don’t know how to turn it off.” Her voice trailed off into a whisper.
“You lack confidence. It’s understandable. I can help you with that if you’ll let me,” I told her, holding her gaze so that she understood what I was talking about. “But even if you don’t, Brianna, I’ve made a commitment to you,” I said, my finger grazing her collar. “Until you tell me you do not wish to be with me. Until you remove this collar . . . I will do everything in my power to keep you safe.”
She started to nod again, but caught herself. “I believe you,” she said, but it lacked the confidence I’d hoped for.
Instead of pursuing it, though, I moved on. “How did your lunch with Lily go? Did she answer your questions?”
I felt her stiffen under my hands, but I decided to wait it out. It took just over a minute for her to squeak out, “Yes.”
“Tell me.”
And she did. It was slow going for a while, but then everything just kept tumbling out. I didn’t stop her, even though I knew we would need to talk about things in more detail.
Once she appeared to be finished, Brianna sagged against me, exhausted. I held her closer while my lips brushed lovingly against her temple. “Is it the pain that scares you the most?”
“Yes,” she said, but there was hesitation.
“You need to tell me. Communication, remember.”
She huddled closer, burrowing her face in my neck. “You’d want to have sex with me?”
“Sex scares you.”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Brianna, did you ever have sex before you lived with Ian?” She shook her head. “So, you’ve never had sexual contact with a man willingly?”
“No,” she said softly.
“Sex can be an amazing thing, full of unbelievable sensations. I would love to show that world to you, but only if you would allow me. I told you before that I would not take it from you.”
She was quiet except for her breathing. Her right hand played with a button on my shirt, and she appeared to be deep in though
t.
“Will you let me show you, Brianna? Will you let me teach you how wonderful it can be? Let me give you a glimpse into the pleasures of my world.”
Again, she said nothing. I started to wonder if I had pushed her too far, too fast. Then she whispered, “You won’t hurt me? You’ll keep me safe?”
“Yes,” I said with no hint of doubt.
For the next forty-seven seconds, I waited as if my entire future depended on it. In a way it did. I wanted my future to include her, and if she turned down my offer, the chances of that future ever becoming a reality were slim. Then I heard the most beautiful word in the world.
“Yes.”
Brianna
Yes. I’d actually said yes. What in the world, had I been thinking?
Although that question lingered, I knew exactly what had been going through my mind. Stephan.
The thought of leaving him, the idea of not having him in my life anymore, scared me more than anything. He was like a light in the sea of darkness I’d been living in for so long. I just needed to find a way to do this for him.
I was lost in my thoughts, trying to figure out how I was going to do what I’d just agreed to, when I felt his arms circle me tighter. He pressed his forehead against mine and I could feel his breath on my face.
“Open your eyes, Brianna.”
I hadn’t realized I’d closed them, but I did what he asked and found his hazel ones staring back at me.
“Are you all right?”
“Yes,” I whispered.
“What number?”
It had been a while since he’d asked me that, but after a moment, I answered, “Six.”
“Tell me why.” I started to avert my eyes, but his hand came up to hold my head in place. “No,” he said firmly.
It was so hard to look at him, but I did. “I’m scared,” I said. “I know you said . . .” I took a deep breath. “I know you said you wouldn’t hurt me, but . . .”
“But the fear doesn’t just go away,” he said, finishing the sentence for me.
I nodded.
He leaned back in his chair and pulled me with him. He guided my head to rest against his shoulder as he began slowly running his fingers through my hair. I loved this. When he touched me as he was doing now, I felt so safe. So cared for.
Need (Finding Anna) Page 4
