“Brianna, nothing is going to happen tonight.”
What? “But I thought . . . ?”
“That as soon as you gave me the green light I would be dragging you into my bedroom to have my way with you?”
My only reaction was to push my body even closer to his. He was my only calm.
He responded by placing a kiss to my temple. “All I want to do tonight is talk. I know this is scary for you. I promise that I will push you, but I want this to be a positive experience. I want you to want this just as much as I do.”
His lips continued to move along my hairline as he spoke, sending a warm feeling down to my toes. “I don’t know if I can,” I said honestly.
“I know you can,” he said with confidence. It made me want to believe him. “It’s only your fear that holds you back. I’ve known that since the first week you were with me. I want to help you overcome that fear.” He paused before continuing. “Is that what you want? Do you want to chase those demons that haunt you away?”
I knew what he was asking. Did I want to live in fear my entire life? Did I trust him enough to help me work through the fear, and have a chance to be normal again? “I . . . want . . . to.”
“Good,” he said. “And do you trust me, Brianna?”
This time I didn’t have to think about it. “I trust you more than anyone else.”
I felt him nod. “That’s good, but I want more than that. I want you to be able to trust me completely, and I know that isn’t the case right now.”
As much as I wanted to tell him that I did trust him completely, I knew that he was right. There was still that little voice inside my head that told me I needed to be careful. That if I gave him what he wanted, he would hurt me.
We just sat there in a charged silence for several minutes before he said, “Your safewords will be very important as we go forward. I will be watching you closely, but I’m going to be pushing, and I need to know from you when you reach a certain point.”
The rest of the night was spent going over safewords again, and discussing what he expected of me in regard to communication in general. By the end of the evening, I felt relaxed. The fear I’d had at the beginning was pushed to the back of my mind, and I felt for the first time that I might actually be able to do this.
Before we went to our separate bedrooms, he leaned down and kissed me. The kiss had a new edge to it that I’d never felt before, and it sent my pulse quickening.
“Goodnight, Brianna,” he said before leaving me standing at my bedroom door staring at his retreating figure.
Thursday morning, as I was making breakfast, he disappeared upstairs for almost twenty minutes. I was putting everything on the table when he came back down.
As we were eating, I kept eyeing the paper he’d brought down with him that was lying at the other side of his plate. He waited until he was finished eating before handing it to me.
“I want you to read this and write your thoughts about it in your journal. We’ll talk about it when I get home.”
I nodded my agreement, and he smiled at me while getting up to complete his morning ritual before leaving for work.
The paper he’d given me talked about trust. It explained trust in a way that I’d never thought of before. I not only put that in my journal, but also told him that night as we were sitting in his chair. Although trusting someone did make me vulnerable, it also created a feeling of safety. Something I was already feeling when it came to him.
On Friday morning, Stephan did the same thing. He disappeared while I was cooking and brought another paper down with him. He left once again, giving me the same instructions as the day before.
This time, the paper talked about submission and what it meant. I found I had many questions after reading it and wrote them all down in my journal so that I wouldn’t forget. That night was the first time I let him read my journal.
He read in silence through the pages I’d written, not commenting until he was finished. “You express yourself well in writing, Brianna.”
“Thank you, Sir,” I said.
One of the questions I had was about kneeling. I was amazed to learn just how much he liked it when he would come home and I’d be there waiting for him. He told me how it felt to stand over me and greet me.
We talked for hours before it turned into something else. He moved his hands more freely over my body as his mouth covered mine. Everything was slow and almost comforting. This was Stephan. He said he wouldn’t hurt me, and I trusted him. Plus, I had my safewords.
By Saturday morning, I’d almost forgotten later that evening, I’d be in a room full of a hundred strangers. Almost, but not quite.
I tried to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t think about it too much, but it kept creeping into my mind. My worst fear was that something would happen, and I would embarrass him. He’d tried to reassure me every time the subject came up, but I knew he could tell how nervous I was.
By one o’clock, I’d cooked two full meals and cleaned the entire downstairs, with the exception of his bedroom and bath. I was just getting ready to head upstairs when the phone rang.
Stephan’s voice floated to where I was in the dining room. From his comments, I could tell someone was here to see us. I just didn’t know whom.
Stephan
The last thing I expected on this day was a visit from my aunt. It wasn’t that she never came to see me at my condo, more that it was rare. Usually, she would just pick up the phone and call, or ask me to stop by.
When I hung up with security downstairs, I glanced over at Brianna to find her watching me. She quickly averted her eyes, but I knew she would have heard enough to know that we had a visitor. I walked over to her. She still wasn’t looking at me.
“Diane’s here. Why don’t you go freshen up while I get the door?”
Brianna nodded and went to her room. She disappeared just as my aunt’s knock sounded.
Diane was dressed in a light blue pantsuit. Her hair pulled back so that it was off her shoulders but cascading down her back. She was beautiful and classy, as always.
“Hello, Diane. Come in.”
“Thank you,” she said as she walked through the door.
I didn’t miss her eyes darting around the room in search of Brianna. “Would you like something to drink?”
“Oh, no thank you, dear.” Diane took a seat on the couch. I followed her lead and sat in my chair across from her. “I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m here,” she said before I could comment.
“Well, yes, the thought did cross my mind.”
She looked around again. “Is Brianna here?”
“Yes,” I answered. “She just went to her room to get something. I’m sure she’ll be out shortly.”
“Oh. Well, good,” she said shifting in her seat slightly. My aunt was a very composed woman and for her to be nervous, I knew it had to be something serious she wanted to discuss.
It would be better to find the underlying cause of this quickly. “What is it, Diane?”
“Stephan, I don’t know what happened Sunday between you and your uncle. He’s extremely upset about it. I may not know what’s going on, but I’m not stupid. I know whatever it is, it has to do with Brianna. Maybe if the two of you talked . . . ?”
“No,” I said, making it clear that I was not about to budge.
She looked at me almost pleading. “It is about Brianna, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“She’s seems to be a sweet girl. I don’t see why . . .”
I had no idea what my uncle had told her, but I figured there was no sense in sugarcoating this for her. She may not need to know about my lifestyle, but as far as I was concerned, Brianna was going to be a permanent fixture in my life. “Richard doesn’t approve of my relationship with Brianna.”
“Stephan, that doesn’t make any sense. I know your uncle—”
“He doesn’t like me,” Brianna whispered.
Diane’s head whipped around to see the woman who
had come into the room unnoticed. Brianna’s eyes were guarded as she looked from my aunt to me. I reached out my hand and she came to me.
My aunt watched with curious eyes as Brianna sat down in my lap. “I don’t know what happened, but I’m sure that isn’t it.”
Leaning in, I whispered to Brianna that it was okay to talk. I felt a shiver run through her before she took a deep breath. She held on tight to my hand as she answered Diane. “He said he doesn’t think being with Stephan is what’s best for me.”
My aunt was rarely at a loss for words, but this was one of those times. I could tell she was trying to think of something to say. Before she could manage to get anything out, I decided to speak up.
“I appreciate you coming today and trying to smooth things over between Richard and myself. However, I will not put Brianna in that position again. So, as long as Richard disapproves of our relationship, I’m afraid we will not be joining you for Sunday dinners.”
Diane sat for a few minutes more before standing to leave. I patted Brianna’s leg, indicating that I wanted her to stand. We both followed my aunt to the door.
“I don’t know what’s going on, Stephan,” she said, turning to me with her hand on the doorknob. “I will speak to your uncle. You are like a son to me. I don’t like this separation.”
“You’re more than welcome to come visit us anytime, Diane. We would be glad to have you.” My aunt didn’t miss that I had included Brianna as a resident of my home.
“Thank you,” she said before turning to Brianna. I saw her hesitate for a split second before reaching out and giving her a hug. “I am sorry,” she said in a soft voice just barely loud enough for me to hear. “Please don’t let whatever this is bring you down.”
Then Diane turned to me. She reached out and gripped both my hands in hers. “I’ll talk to Richard, but you should, too. I know he doesn’t want this anymore than you do.” She rose on her toes and placed a kiss on my cheek before walking out the door.
Brianna was very still beside me. I turned and took her in my arms. “Talk to me.”
She circled her arms around my waist and she huddled close to me. “I’m sorry I’m causing problems with you and your family.” She paused, and I felt her stiffen. I knew I wasn’t going to like what she said next. “Maybe I should leave.”
“No,” I snapped. Taking a deep breath, I got a hold of myself. “No,” I said in a much calmer voice. “You leaving would not solve anything between my uncle and me.”
As much as I didn’t want to talk about Tami, I knew that it was time Brianna knew the whole story. I led her over to the couch and sat down beside her. Taking her hands, I began to explain.
Where to start? I wanted to get through this as quickly as possible. “Tami and I met through Lily. They’d met and talked at a few events, and Lily thought we’d make a good match. At first, I said no, but Lily can be persistent when she wants something. Eventually, I relented and allowed her to set up a meeting. I wasn’t seeing anyone at the time, so I figured why not?”
Brianna had been staring at our linked hands while I talked. Now that I’d paused, she looked up, her gaze meeting mine. I squeezed her hands in reassurance and continued.
“It was good at first. We both seemed to like many of the same things, and she was already a trained submissive. She’d left her last Dom a year before, and was looking for another.”
Now came the difficult part.
“We’d been dating and playing for almost five months when she started hinting that she wanted more. I made it clear that I was happy with how things were and didn’t want to change.” I shook my head, remembering. “She wanted to move in with me, have a full-time relationship. I didn’t.”
“But I live with you,” Brianna commented.
“Yes. You do.” I smiled, wondering if she would ask me to elaborate. She didn’t, so I continued. “Things began to get worse between us. Every time the opportunity presented itself, she would make a comment about how much easier it would be if we were just living together already. Eventually it became too much, and I ended things.”
It was a very polite way of stating the end of our relationship, but Brianna didn’t need to know the details. To say things got ugly was putting it mildly. She had gotten so angry that she’d thrown a vase at my head.
“The next day, I received a call from Richard saying he needed to speak with me. When I arrived at their home, my aunt was nowhere to be seen, which turned out to be a very good thing. The door was barely closed behind me when the yelling began.”
Brianna’s hands gripped mine tighter, and I looked her over to make sure she was still all right. What I found made my heart almost sing. Her face was full of concern for me. I gave her hands a comforting pat and went back to my story.
“I was there for about two hours. It took almost an hour for him to let me speak one full sentence, and even then, I rarely got out much more before he would interrupt me. She’d told him about being my submissive, however, she made it seem like she had not participated willingly. As if it was something I was forcing her to do . . . essentially, abusing her.”
Brianna stiffened. I shifted our hands so that one of mine was holding both of hers and used my now-free fingers to raise her chin. She kept her eyes lowered, so I put some pressure behind my grip. Her gaze came up to meet mine as if a switch had been flipped.
“I didn’t abuse her, Brianna.”
She didn’t answer or respond in any way.
I sighed and dropped my hand. “What did I tell you Wednesday night about using your safewords?”
“That if . . . whatever we were doing got to be . . . too much or started to overwhelm me, I was to use them without hesitation,” she said unsure, but accurately.
“She had safewords, too, Brianna. She could have used them anytime she wanted. Also, if I was so abusive, why did she wait until I broke things off to go to Richard?”
Her mind was trying to process this information while it fought with her fear. I waited.
“She was trying to hurt you,” she whispered.
“Yes.”
There was still that look of uncertainty on her face. I opened my arms and she came to me. And just like always, I felt her relax against me. I breathed deep as I brushed my lips against her temple.
“I would never betray your trust, Brianna. This is why communication is so important. Remember what I had you read? What we talked about?”
She nodded.
I kissed every part of her skin that I could access. I was wearing a fitted T-shirt today, and her right hand had taken hold on a spot about four inches above my waist. Her free hand lay unmoving on her lap, and I picked it up, interlacing our fingers.
I shifted us slightly so that I could get more access to her face and neck. Time was passing more quickly than I would have liked, but I wanted to take advantage of what we had.
Her skin was so soft, but nowhere more so than her neck. I moved her hair out of the way as I continued placing gentle kisses from her jaw to her collarbone.
Brianna’s breathing started to change, and I took advantage of the opportunity. I tilted her head away from me with a little more force than necessary, and began a slightly more aggressive pursuit of the skin within my reach. Her grip on my shirt tightened, and her mouth opened slightly as her breathing continued to escalate.
I removed my hand from her hair and trailed down her back to the hem of her shirt. The shirt she was wearing today ended just below the waistband of her shorts so it didn’t take much to slip my fingers underneath.
Her reaction was golden. She sucked in a deep breath as I traced patterns on her lower back, occasionally dipping below the thin elastic band of her shorts. I was going to enjoy pushing those reactions in the future.
As much as I wanted to continue, we needed to stop and get ready for tonight. It was already after four.
I sat back and dropped my hands from her body. Brianna’s eyes flew open and the look on her face was priceless. It was a mixtu
re of surprise, arousal, and embarrassment.
Taking her face in my hands, I gave her a quick kiss and then sat back once again. “We have to get ready. I’m sure you would like a shower before you go.”
“Oh.” She blushed. “Yes.”
Brianna got up and walked into her room. I stood and made my way to mine.
As I strolled into my bathroom, I heard the shower turn on in the other room. That was all it took for me to want to be in there with her, and I began thinking of how to make that happen. Soon.
By five thirty, I was waiting in the living room for Brianna. I’d let her know to come out when she was ready. We would have to be leaving soon. I was just about to go in and check on her when she walked into the room.
The dress she wore was perfect on her. Its deep purple color brought out the blue in her eyes and the rich brown of her hair. For the first time in my life, I was at a loss for words. It was strapless, which was a favorite of mine, and she had her hair pulled up and back. There was just something about her neck being bare of everything but my collar. The dress hugged her in all the right places, leaving hints of what lay underneath. It was elegant and sophisticated.
She walked over to me, and I could tell she was a little apprehensive. That would not do. Brianna had to know how beautiful she was. This was a date, after all.
I took her right hand, bringing it up to my mouth for a kiss. “You look stunning, sweetheart.”
Her cheeks turned that delightful pink color I loved so much. “Thank you.”
“Are you ready to go?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said, her voice shaking slightly from her nerves.
I reached behind me, picked up a black wrap I’d gotten from Lily the day before, and placed it around her shoulders, but didn’t let go of the ends. Instead, I pulled her flush against me and looked down into her wide, blue eyes.
“I’m very proud to have you on my arm tonight, Brianna,” I whispered before lowering my mouth to hers for a slow kiss.
Need (Finding Anna) Page 5
