by Cole Lepley
Chapter 20
Recovery
Mackenzie
Being honest is hard. Talking about a past I want to forget is even harder. That’s why I didn’t tell Judah the whole truth—not yet. I need just a little more time with him where things don’t need to be awkward. Where he doesn’t look at me like I’m damaged.
I like the way he looks at me now. It gives me hope this could really work. That I can have a relationship with someone that isn’t one-sided. He doesn’t want anything from me. He just wants me.
If I’m being honest, I think he’s more fragile than I am. Still recovering from his own heartache and trying like hell not to make the same mistakes. All I want is to see if I’m able to get close to someone else. I haven’t had sex with anyone since Sean. This will be the ultimate test if I can be normal again.
I need it.
He hasn’t stopped kissing me and I almost have his sweatpants pulled down enough to release him. The thickness in my hand is intimidating. I expected him to be large—all extremely hot guys somehow are—but that’s not what scares me.
Will he be rough? Will he want to cuddle after or will he find an excuse to bail? He doesn’t seem like the type to do either of those things, but I’ve been blindsided before.
I know what I want him to do. I want him to stay. The thought of him leaving now already feels painful and I don’t know why. We barely know each other. I’m scary close to getting attached and I don’t think I can make it stop. That’s why I need to take this step with him. It’s the only way to convince my heart it’s real.
He gives me one last, painfully slow kiss and breaks away. His breathing is already labored and all I’m doing is laying on top of him. I stroke his dick from time to time, but I’ve mostly been focusing on his mouth. I could kiss Judah Holloway for a lifetime and never get enough. He kisses like sex—deep and consuming. I hope I never come up for air.
His warm brown eyes study mine for a moment. “Do you have a condom?”
I do, but I don’t want to seem like a whore for having them. It’s probably not what most guys think though. It’s just what I’m used to.
“I have one,” he says, his voice dipping lower. He nods down his legs at the sweatpants still clinging to his calves. “In my wallet.”
I laugh, rocking back on heels. “That’s so cliché. You’re a douchebag.”
Judah gives a sheepish grin, and it’s the most adorable smile I’ve ever seen. His cheeks flush and I’m amazed at how I’m finding his guilt sexy. I think it’s because he’s not at all what I expected. He’s sweet.
“I like to be prepared,” he says and then leans up to kiss my cheek. “Safety first, babe.”
“Good point.”
I pull his pants the rest of the way off and reach inside the pocket. I toss the wallet to him with a wink and he catches it with another half grin. My eyes focus on his naked body sprawled long ways across my bed. Every part of him is chiseled and rock hard. Long lean muscles in his legs and arms, tight and cut abs, and of course what’s been poking through my shorts during our make-out session is now on full display.
I have to remind myself not to panic. There’s a certain level of trust that comes with being intimate for the first time. Random fling or not—I need to trust that he won’t hurt me.
When his knuckles gently graze the side of my face, I meet his eyes and I have my answer.
I trust him.
He’s a good person.
His lips are on mine before I take my next breath and we fall back onto the bed again. He angles us so my head is on the pillow and kisses a path down my neck and across my shoulder blades. His hand slides into the waistband of my shorts, pulling them down my legs. My panties come next and he rests between my legs, hovering above me. His eyes search mine once more, looking for a final confirmation.
I answer him with another kiss, sealing my mouth over his. He fumbles with the wrapper between us while keeping his lips all over mine. His body stills for a moment before he lowers himself down. He shifts his weight so he isn’t crushing me and braces himself on his elbow. His other hand moves between us again and I hold my breath. I’m bracing myself for the pain, but it doesn’t come. Judah eases into me and pulls back out before he’s all the way inside. He repeats this process of slow, excruciating torture inch by inch until he fills me completely.
Judah groans so deep I swear I feel it inside me. Or maybe it’s just the pounding in my chest. My heart is beating so fast right now I’m surprised it isn’t echoing through the quiet room.
“Is this okay?” he whispers, moving a little faster.
I nod and clutch his waist with my hands, bringing him closer. He keeps his mouth on mine, but I can barely kiss him back I’m panting so hard. Each measured stroke is bringing me closer to the edge. I’m not sure if I ever had an orgasm this way. Sometimes before, maybe a few after—but never while I was actively having sex.
This is different. He takes him time with me. Kissing my lips, my cheek, over my chest—everywhere. I match his rhythm, rocking my hips along with his. When he grips the headboard, his eyes lock with mine like golden pools of honey.
“Are you close?”
I nod again because words aren’t something I can produce at the moment. My core is clenched tight, ready to explode any second. I’m fighting the urge to let go because I don’t want this to end. The connection I’m getting from him right now is all I know. It’s the only way I’ve ever felt loved.
He grunts something under his breath and then his movements become jerky. I come first, the relief of pressure pulsing through my entire body. I moan so loud he covers my mouth with his and groans into my throat with his own release.
When he stills, his chest continues to heave on top of me and then he kisses my temple before rolling off to lie beside me. He lies on his back, his arm rested above his head to catch his breath for a moment. His other hand circles my waist and drags me up to his side. I cuddle into him and he kisses my forehead.
His eyes drift over to mine, but he doesn’t say anything. He just holds me and it makes me smile.
The next morning, Judah still has his leg wrapped around me, pinning me to the bed. I carefully pull myself out from under him and slide out from the covers. The dinging on his phone has gone off non-stop since last night. I’m assuming he had somewhere to be and ignored it. After pulling on a pair of sweatpants and tank top, I pick his phone out of his discarded pants and lay it on the pillow beside him.
He stirs, but doesn’t open his eyes. I stand there and watch him sleep for a moment. His hair is sticking up all over the place and his face is completely relaxed. It feels right having him here. The best part, not once did I wake up screaming, not one unpleasant dream invaded my night.
As quiet as I can, I pad through the rest of the room and close the door behind me. The smell of bacon wafts back the hallway and I smile. I love Saturday mornings. It’s the one day of the week I can count on Zander to cook something.
As I round the corner to the kitchen a grin perks up on his face. “Oh, good morning dear.” He turns back to the griddle to flip a couple of eggs. “I trust you slept well.”
“I did,” I say, taking the seat next to Mark at the breakfast bar.
Zander slides me a plate and a cup of coffee. Mark gives me a quizzical once over while shoving bacon in his mouth. “Did you have a sleepover, too?”
I try to hide my smile, but fail miserably. “Maybe.”
Zander turns back around and raises an eyebrow. Then he turns to Mark. “We need a minute.”
With his mouth half full, his nose scrunches in disbelief. “What? I just started.”
Zander brushes his hand toward the living room. “Just a minute,” he says again. His eyes cut to me. “I need to talk to Mackenzie alone.”
Wow. He never calls me Mackenzie. He must be pissed. Mark reluctantly picks up his plate and steals several pieces of bacon from mine, before retreating into the living room.
I cross m
y arms in front of my now near empty plate. “What was that all about?”
Zander turns off the burner and transfers the bacon to a paper towel, ignoring me. He loads the waffle maker before turning around to face me. He folds his arms and has that stern dad expression I sometimes get from him when he’s trying to be serious. Only this time, I think he is.
“Did you sleep with him?”
“Well, he’s still in my bed, so yes.”
I wink at him, but he frowns in response. I saw this coming.
“No. That’s not what I mean and you know it.”
My eyes lower to the chipped edges of my nail polish. “Why do you care?”
He moves forward and places his hands flat on the island in front of me. “Because, baby girl. You know the rules. Until the doctor says it’s cool…”
At this my head pops up. “Fuck those rules, okay? I’m fine now.”
Zander tilts his head. “Are you? Did you tell Judah how I had to talk you into staying before he got here last night? Or that you had a panic attack so bad after seeing Sean that I almost called Perry.”
I slam my fist down on the counter. “How dare you bring my brother into this? He’s in enough trouble as it is.”
“Yeah,” Zander nods. “And he’s the only one who can get you to see how bad things are. You can’t shut him out because you’re afraid of what he’ll do.”
“I know what he’ll do,” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. “He’ll kill Sean for sure this time. I can’t let him do that. He can’t know he’s still around.”
“Who can’t know?” Judah strolls into the kitchen in only low hung track pants and a grin. He plants a kiss on my mouth before walking to the coffee pot.
I exchange a pleading look with Zander, silently begging him to stop this conversation.
Zander puts on his most convincing smile. “Well, beefcake. I’m making my famous waffles and bacon.”
Judah laughs as he pours a cup and walks over to sit next to me. “Zander, that’s not going to be my nickname.”
Zander shrugs. “I had to try.” He turns back to the stove. “Don’t worry I have more.”
Judah leans in and plants a soft kiss to the corner of my lips while stealing my last piece of bacon at the same time.
“Oh, you think your slick don’t you.”
He grins. “So I’ve been told.” He motions toward the living room. “Why’s Mark out there all by himself?”
“Oh,” Zander says as if he forgot something. “He was being bad. I’ll have to go get him.” He sets his spatula down and then hands Judah a plate before walking past us with a wink.
Judah shakes his head, grabbing his fork. “Those two are weird.”
I take another long drink of my coffee and nod.
“You okay?” he asks, nudging me with his elbow.
I nod again.
He sets his fork down and places his hands on my waist, turning me on my barstool so I have to face him. He studies my face for a moment before continuing, dipping his face down toward me. “Last night…was that too fast? I mean, I know you were upset and I would never want you to think I was taking advantage of that. I really—”
I cut him off with my lips. “It was perfect, Judah. Don’t think too much into it.”
The look of appeasement I expect isn’t on his face, he looks almost angry.
“Don’t think too much about it, huh?”
I place my hand on his arm, when he tries to pull away. “It’s not like that either. I like you.”
“You like me. So what does that mean? I’m just a good time to you or am I your boyfriend?”
His words slice me like a sharp knife. Right though my shattered heart. When I don’t answer right away, he lets go of me and pushes back from the table.
“Don’t go,” I say, reaching for him again.
“I’m not looking to be someone’s rebound.”
I stand too and wrap my arms around his waist. “You’re not. I want you to be here.”
He looks down at me, brushing the hair from my eyes. “Then what’s the issue?” He lowers his voice. “Did I hurt you? Was I… was I too forceful?”
I shake my head emphatically. “No, no. You did everything right. It was sweet.”
This gets a smile from him and he kisses my temple. “Then what’s the problem?”
I bite my lower lip for a second to think. There’s so much he doesn’t know and I don’t want to be too difficult to the point where he starts demanding answers. But this is happening fast. Not so much that I want to end things, but I’m not sure I’m ready to declare myself as his girlfriend.
I take a breath. “This is that time I was talking about. I have to be slower than normal people.”
“Last night was your idea. If you weren’t ready—”
“I know that, and I’m sorry. Maybe I pushed things because I thought I needed it. I wanted to feel close to you.”
He tightens his grip around me. “You are close to me. If you want to wait to have sex again, that’s fine with me. I’d wait as long as you need to,” he pauses with a smirk. “And then you may have to beg me. That’s not all I’m good for you know.”
This makes me laugh and it also kind of makes me want to cry. I’ve never had someone like him before. Someone who cares about me. Judah always has a way of making me feel better, intimately or not.
With one last hug he releases me. He leans down to take one last chug of coffee. “I have to go. I have a meeting with coach I can’t miss.”
“Good luck,” I say, giving an encouraging smile.
He pats my ass and winks at me. “I don’t need luck, babe. I have you.”
After all the awkwardness Zander brought to our morning breakfast, I hide in my bedroom for the rest of the afternoon. The Graffiti party is tonight and I’m nervous. My plan is to finish all of my assignments for the weekend so I have no other distractions.
I’m halfway through my Art History paper when my phone rings. I curse at the display. Zander is such a dick.
I answer on the third ring. “Hello, brother.”
Perry laughs his deep chuckle and I can’t help but smile. I really do miss him. “How are things at Cornell? Gotta be different than Connecticut.”
I roll onto my stomach and lock my legs behind me. “Yeah, it’s nice though. New scenery.”
He pauses and I hear him inhale the cigarette he’s most likely smoking. “Well, that’s good and all, but it’s not why I’m calling.”
I know what he’s going to say and I really don’t want to hear it. Avoiding things makes them go away, and if you can’t do that, you can fake it. I think I’m getting good at faking it.
“Mack, how did Sean get close enough to touch you last night?”
His tone is accusatory. If I would have done what I said I was going to, he would never have gotten the chance. So I lie.
“I don’t know.”
“Bullshit, Mackenzie!” His voice booms through the line and I have to hold my ear back from the phone. “I did almost two fucking years for felony assault and that motherfucker walks free. You almost died!”
I pinch the bridge of my nose to keep the tears at bay. Crying only makes Perry angrier, and he’s already at level red. Even if he can’t see me, he’ll hear it in my voice. He always does.
“I know, and I’m sorry. You don’t understand.”
“What I don’t understand is why you’re letting him get away with this? He could post those videos online. The internet just doesn’t delete things. You know that, right?”
“Of course I know that,” I say through my teeth. “Sean isn’t in them. He made sure of it.”
“He took them, Mackenzie. He drugged you and he forced you to have sex with other men for his own pleasure.” Perry takes a ragged breath, clearly reaching his breaking point. “Not to mention the fact that in some of them you were a minor.”
“We can’t prove that…”
“You know what we can prove? We can prove that he’
s a sociopath that’s going to hurt you. You need to get a restraining order.”
“I can’t,” I whisper.
“And why the fuck not?” he growls.
My mouth goes dry and I lose my voice. Perry will never understand why I can’t press charges against him or get an order of protection. I’d need to tell my story. My story. The one where I willingly did all the things he asked me to and never said no. No judge would find him guilty of a crime. Especially with the family he comes from.
When I pause for too long, I hear something smash in the background. I flinch even though I can’t see it. When he returns to the phone, his voice is calmer.
“Mack, I’m only going to ask you this once. I won’t get mad, just tell the truth, okay?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Okay.”
“Do you still love him?” He enunciates every word, and each one sears through me like hot coals.
“No.”
“No?”
“I said no, damnit!”
“Okay, then.” He takes another drag and speaks as he exhales. “Follow the plan. Take your meds. And if the motherfucker comes near you again, I’m your first call. You hear me?”
“Yes.”
I hear him release a lengthy sigh. “I mean it, Mack. I love you. You’re all I have. I won’t lose you, too.”
The pain in his voice rips my heart straight out of my chest. For someone so young, my brother has seen more than his fair share of misery and loss. He doesn’t need any added stress from me.
“I promise, Perry. You’ll be the first to know.”
He laughs once. “Okay, go back to being smart and shit. I miss you.”
“I miss you, too,” I whisper, the tears falling down my cheeks.
When we end the call, Zander is standing in front of me. There’s a look on his face I can’t place.
“How much of that did you hear?”
