Scars Of The Soul

by J J Cobban

  “I want to help. Let me help.” I was speaking directly to him now.

  “You need to tell her.” Jez whispered, picking at her nails nervously “We need to handle this. She’s going to see what everyone is saying, at least clue her in to the truth.”

  The bus began to slow down. I glanced out of the window, surprised to see we were already at our destination. It looked like I’d be missing the show tonight. I had too much to do now, if only I could get the information I needed.

  “Alright.” Drake’s voice was flat and devoid of any emotion, just like his eyes had been “Tonight. After the show we can discuss everything. Set up what you need to and arrange any interviews. I’ll fill you in tonight.”

  The bus finally came to a stop and we all remained where we were. Lacey was the first to clear her throat.

  “You should get changed,” she began “We can start sorting taxis or something while we wait for you.”

  I looked down to my pyjamas and cringed. I’d almost forgotten my state of undress.

  “I’ve booked us cars for the next twenty-four hours. They can take us to and from the venue. I booked them yesterday before everything kicked off.” I explained, moving past everyone towards the back bedroom where everyone had thrown their stuff. I heard Travis mumble something about being glad that I’d thought ahead before I closed the bedroom door.

  It felt like a tornado was ripping through my head as I tried to make sense of everything happening around me. It was like every time I thought I had a handle on things something else happened. My father had trusted me to keep a handle on this and make sure the tour went off without any problems. Now I was in possibly the worst situation I could be and we’d only played one fucking show!

  I finished slipping on a grey sweater dress with my black boots before dropping down onto the edge of the bed. I tied my hair into a fishtail braid and let it hang over my shoulder. I considered putting on make-up and ultimately decided against it. Instead I let my head fall into my hands as I tried to work out how everything had gone so wrong so quickly. I had interviews to arrange, I had a statement to prepare and I had to make sure sound check went without a hitch. At some point during that list I had to call my father and admit that everything seemed to be turning to shit around me. Oh, and then there was the slight complication of getting intimately involved with Drake. I’d crossed so many lines and dropped the ball that I was beginning to doubt my own abilities.

  I’d been so lost in my own thoughts that I wasn’t aware of somebody entering the room. My body jolted as I felt somebody move to stand beside the bed. I straightened my back and tried to compose myself before looking at who had entered the bedroom.

  The bed dipped as Drake sat beside me.

  “I did knock,” He explained “You didn’t answer.”

  I felt my cheeks warm “I got lost in my head. So much to do and so little time and all that.”

  I flashed him what I hoped was a convincing smile. He didn’t return my smile so I could only assume it wasn’t as convincing as I’d hoped. Drake reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. His eyes were sad as he picked up my hand, linking our fingers together. I tried to think of something to say. Anything that might make him smile for me. It was then that it occurred to me that making him smile or laugh again had made it onto my to-do list. There was nothing quite like the man beside me when he was in the throes of laughter.

  His thumb rubbed my hand gently causing chills to spread over my body.

  “Drake-”

  “I know.” His voice was so quiet I could barely hear him “It’ll be better tonight. You’ll know everything.”

  There was a sadness in his voice now. The moment felt suddenly overwhelming, like he was getting ready to say goodbye or something. I swallowed as I tried to make sense of what he was going through. I understood he had a shady past, I really did. What he didn’t seem to understand was that whatever he needed to tell me wasn’t going to change my opinion of him.

  “I don’t know what’s going on, I know it must be bad, but that’s it,” I started “I just need you to know it won’t make any difference to what is going on with us. I know we shouldn’t pursue anything, I know it’s unprofessional and it could get complicated but I don’t care. As much as I want to tell you to get out and leave me alone, I can’t. So whatever I find out tonight, it won’t make a difference on my feelings for you.”

  We sat in a suspended silence for a couple of minutes, just looking at each other. Telling him what I felt was a risky move. There was no going back now. Drake had said the night before that there was no going back but neither of us had really stated what we were feeling. We were both horny, sure, but the conversation had gone no further. This felt far more serious. More binding.

  “I want you to remember you’ve said that.” Drake finally said, “I need you to remember you said that.”

  “I will.” I nodded, covering our hands with my remaining free hand “I need you not to get soft on me though. We’ll get over this but you can’t shut down like you did before. That’s twice now, I need to know that was the last time you’ll shut me out.”

  His lips twitched slightly before tilting up into a smirk “I promise I’ll never be soft on you.”

  I chuckled and shook my head at his filthy sense of humour.

  “You’re a pig.” I teased, nudging him with my shoulder “You good, though?”

  “I will be,” he smiled “Once you say good morning properly.”

  I raised my brows at him.

  “You said morning but that was it. I expected a little more.” He shrugged “Especially since I’m holding your phone hostage.”

  As if proving a point, he slipped my phone from his pocket. I dreaded to think of the missed calls and emails I had waiting. I let go of Drake’s hand and reached for my phone. He pulled it out of reach and tapped his lips with his index finger. I rolled my eyes and smirked at him. My stomach fluttered as I leaned forward, pressing my lips to his gently. Drake’s tongue snaked out, teasing my lips open. My hands found their way to his waist as our tongues danced together. I squirmed in my seat as heat flooded my system. Drake’s free hand cupped the back of my head as he added more pressure into the kiss.

  My hand brushed over his ribs trailing higher until I could squeeze his bicep before continuing down his arm to reach his hand and ultimately, my phone. I felt the smile on his lips as I grasped my phone in my hand.

  “You’re a great multi-tasker.” He murmured against my lips.

  “You haven’t seen anything yet.” I teased, pulling away. Drake smiled at me, the light returning to his gaze. Excitement seeped through my body as I took pride in putting the smile on his face. I reached out to stroke his cheek, feeling a fluttering in my stomach when he tilted his head to kiss my palm.

  “You better go get set up. I need to make some calls and then I’ll be in.” I glanced down at my phone and grimaced when I saw the missed call tab on my screensaver.

  Drake nodded, tugging at my braid playfully.

  “You’re something else, Miss Tarrino.” He smirked “I’ll speak to you later.”

  I nodded and watched as he left the bedroom. My eyes drifted down towards his ass as he left. I bit my lip and turned back towards my phone. I unlocked the screen and groaned when I saw I had thirteen missed calls, seventy-three emails and five text messages.

  I moved to the kitchen area rubbing the rest of the sleep from my eyes. I needed coffee and I needed it fast. I had a long ass day ahead of me and something told me I wasn’t getting through it without at least one hit of coffee. I poured myself a mug of coffee from the waiting pot and blew out a breath.

  I had so much to do and no idea where to start.

  After a couple of minutes I’d made my decision. I scrolled through my phone and clicked the name I needed before pressing the phone to my ear. It rang twice before being answered.

  “Scout? What the hell is going on over there? It’s a fucking mess at this end.” My fat
her didn’t sound angry or annoyed he just sounded concerned. “What the hell is up with the picture of you and Drake? Did something happen to you? Do I need to come out there and help?”

  “No!” I answered quickly, embarrassed at the thought of my father having to bail me out “Shit kicked off last night and everything went wrong. Some guy had Seth pinned and then Travis was pummelling someone. I grabbed his hair to pull him off and then the dude he was pummelling grabbed me and then Drake was there and knocked him out. Like, he did it with one punch.” Once I started it was like verbal diarrhoea, all the details came out jumbled and in a rush.

  “Whoa, hold up, sweetheart.” Dad interrupted “Stop, rewind and start from the beginning. What the hell has happened since I last spoke to you? Start slow and don’t miss anything out.”

  I took a deep breath and began to fill him in on what had been going on. It felt good to share the burden with somebody else even if they were miles away. My father listened and at certain points it sounded like he was noting things down. By the time I had finished filling him in I was already feeling better and we hadn’t even discussed the plan of action yet. Then in true Ritchie Tarrino fashion he knew exactly the right thing to say at the right moment.

  “Alright, sweetheart, tell me what you need me to do at this end. What’s the plan?”

  And just like that I felt like I was back in control.

  I could and would get this under control and I would do it all with a fucking smile on my face.

  Whoever started this shit storm had better watch out because I was not feeling in a merciful mood.

  Ｃｈａｐｔｅｒ Ｔｅｎ

  Ｄｒａｋｅ

  I should have been feeling overwhelmed with the love from our fans. I should have been able to feel the after-show adrenaline fuelling my body. There were a lot of things I should have been feeling after wrapping up our set. What I shouldn’t have been feeling was nervous. My stomach shouldn’t have been churning nauseously.

  Yet there I was.

  Standing in front of Scout’s hotel room door with a sickening feeling in my stomach and nerves bouncing around my body.

  This could very well be the last time I was invited up to her room. The last time she trusted herself alone with me. The last time she would open the door and look at me like I was anything other than a monster. I clenched my fist as I banged loudly on the door twice. I heard the shuffling before the door opened up.

  I lost all function to think as her open green eyes seemed to light up upon seeing me. Her thick, black hair was piled messily into a bun on her head with a pencil sticking through it. Her black crop top fell off her shoulder and my lips twitched when I saw the ‘parental advisory: explicit content’ written across it. My eyes moved down her legging covered legs all the way down to the fluffy unicorn socks she had on her feet.

  “Loving the socks.” I smirked, looking back up at her face. The top of her cheeks were tinged with pink as she stood aside and waved me in.

  “Thank you,” she fought to remain a straight face “They’re my business socks.”

  “I can just see you rocking up in the office with those bad boys on.” I grinned “Did you catch any of the show?”

  I stopped in my tracks as my eyes landed on the bed. Although it seemed to be more paperwork than bedsheets. There were magazine and paper spread all over the bed along with a laptop, her phone and what looked like a notebook. As in an actual notebook with paper, not the electronic device.

  I wasn’t even aware people owned them anymore, everything seemed to electronic nowadays.

  “Not this time,” Scout shrugged bashfully “I kind of got wrapped up. Figured I would catch the next show.”

  Wrapped up? It was like she was trying to solve a murder. I moved towards the bed and raised my eyebrows when my gaze fell to an old school photo. How far back had she gone? The smile that had lingered on my face earlier was quickly slipping. My eyes moved across the picture until I found the familiar red hair and blue-grey eyes. Jo had always been a good-looking kid with mischief clear in her features. The scrawny kid beside her was something else entirely. His face was half hidden behind shaggy, black hair but it was the eyes that really struck you. They were empty. There was no childlike youth, no warning of mischief. They were eyes that had seen too much at such a young age.

  “I’m sorry.” Scout’s voice brought me back to the present “I thought maybe it was someone from your school years and then that picture came up. I couldn’t help printing it.”

  “How did you print all these off?” I was always good at avoiding messy topics.

  “Turns out the hotel manager is a huge fan of the bands. I got Jace to sign some stuff for him and flashed some cash and he was practically begging me to use his office resources.” Scout smirked “Usually I’d get my father to print it out but I wanted the stuff here. I take in the paper copies better than the electronic for some reason.”

  I nodded as the conversation lulled.

  “This was taken just before she died.” My voice was barely audible “our class was doing some shitty community project and our picture was taken for the paper.”

  “You were a cute kid.” I tilted my head from the photo to see Scout move in beside me. Her long fingers touched my bicep gently as if she was trying to calm a nervous animal. I took a deep breath.

  “I should have showered or something before I came over.” I ran a hand through my sweat slicked hair and looked toward her apologetically “Never thought about it until now.”

  “Random.” She smirked “Why don’t you grab a shower then while I tidy up? I could get Jo to drop some clothes off for you if you want?”

  “I think-” I had to clear my throat “we should talk first,”

  She swallowed before bobbing her head. As if suddenly nervous, she began flitting around the bed gathering up all of her paper. I moved across to an empty chair at the far side of the room, dropping down heavily. Scout finished collecting her findings before setting them beside the bed. She moved towards me, reaching out. I shook my head, stopping her in her tracks.

  “I need space for this,” I murmured.

  Her eyes shone with understanding as she backed away, nodding. Scout perched herself on the edge of the bed nearest me, waiting for me to begin the sordid story of my past.

  Jo was walking backwards in front of me, grinning widely at me.

  “Come on! It’ll be fun!” she coaxed “Everyone will be there!”

  I rolled my eyes at her. We both knew her father would never let her go out to a party on a school night but she lived in the hope that one day he would.

  “So your Pops has okayed this?” I asked, moving my schoolbag higher onto my shoulder. A shoulder that still hurt from the beating my father had given me the night before. I winced as the twinge shot from my shoulder down to my fingers. Jo stopped walking as her smile fell.

  “You told me he didn’t get you into any trouble.” Her eyes began to water “Was it because we were late?”

  I sighed and shook my head. I was meant to come straight home after school every day without fail. We had been on our way home yesterday when Colin Jenkins had stopped to speak to Jo. Jo and I had only really started speaking a month ago but I knew she had a crush on Colin. We’d stopped so she could speak to him and ended up being fifteen minutes late. My father had been waiting at the door with a bottle in his hand and a terrifying sneer on his face.

  “Where the fuck you been, boy?” he’d snapped “You think you can fuck around on the streets without my goddamn say so? You ungrateful little fucker!”

  He was practically screaming at me by the time the first blow landed. I’d learned a long time ago that it was easier to drop down into a ball than try and fight back or reason with him. The more I fought or begged the harder he hit me. It was only when my mother screamed at him for ‘ruining her buzz’ that he stopped. My father may have been a drunk but he wasn’t stupid. He knew better than to mark my face so the only proof of last night’s be
ating was the twinge in my shoulder and my bruised ribs. I could hide those from most people but not Jo. She had already proven to be more observant than anyone I’d met. She’d helped clean me up once after my father had gotten carried away. My lips were burst and my cheek was swollen to the point where even talking was painful. I’d begged her to lie to our teacher when I didn’t show for school. It killed her but she went along with my ploy and nobody was any the wiser. Adults only saw what they wanted to see sometimes and nobody wanted to think about some scrawny kid being beaten on every other day.

  Jo was reaching her limit though. She wouldn’t lie for me again and if she told somebody then I’d be hauled away from anything familiar. I’d be taken from her.

  “Nah, was busy fucking around with Finn at school today and the ass shoved me down the bleachers.” I smirked “I got him back though.”

  Jo looked unconvinced as we stopped walking at the crossroads. Her place was further up the street while mine was closer to the train yard. This was where we split. Jo turned to walk away before spinning back and wrapping her arms around me. My entire body froze at the touch. We’d joked around in the month we’d known each other, shoved each other playfully, but never anything more. My body was coiled and ready to flee as she squeezed me tightly.

  She was hugging me? My eyes felt gritty as I realised this was the first time I’d ever been hugged.

  I patted her back awkwardly as she pulled away.

  “You have my address, D, use it.” She commanded “If anything gets too much, I can help.”

  I gave her a curt nod before walking away. I didn’t know how to handle situations like that. I could list the best ways to avoid broken ribs, the best way to sneak in and out of a house unnoticed or even the best way to make a bag of chips last a week. Those things were easy to me now. Returning affection? Responding to somebody’s genuine concern over me? That was alien to me. Jo’s face flashed through my mind as I walked down the quiet street to my house. As I passed the neighbours houses I felt my gut tighten with fear and anger. We lived on a street where domestic violence and substance abuse was more than a little common. It was an unspoken rule that nobody spoke to the cops. If you heard screaming and thumping from your neighbour you turned the television up. I wanted to be pissed at them all for standing by while my parents beat the shit out of me but I couldn’t. If they had called the cops then I would have been taken away for sure and dumped into the system. I may not have had it easy but I’d learnt how to cope.