All I Ask

by Corinne Michaels

  Too much of…all of it.

  I turn my head, and start to walk away, but he grips my wrist. “I’m sorry.”

  My eyes snap back to his. “For?”

  “Everything.”

  Each breath I take is heavy and my head is spinning. When I paint, I’m raw with emotion. Now, being in this room with him looking at my work, saying these things, has me feeling vulnerable.

  “It was a long time ago. It doesn’t really matter, does it?”

  His lids fall, and I know that wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but it’s all I can give. I need to build my walls back up because Derek is the dream that will never come true for me.

  “I’m still sorry.”

  “I am too.” For everything.

  “Do you think we can ever be friends again?”

  We’ve lost too much, hurt each other too deeply to ever be more than…this.

  Indifferent old friends who won’t be able to get through the mucky past, which is filled with quicksand. I can’t afford to step in it and get sucked under.

  Chastity needs me to be strong. I can’t become this weak woman who is heartbroken over him.

  “I hope so. I hope we can be a different kind of friends. Ones who are older, wiser, and honest. Do you think that’s possible? Considering our history?” I ask.

  Derek shifts to the side. “History doesn’t always have to define the future.”

  I ponder that for second because I don’t think that’s true. “It usually does.”

  “Sure, it has before, but we’re the ones who get to decide if that’s the case for us.”

  I smile softly, wishing if I believe it hard enough, it could be true. But wanting something doesn’t make it a reality.

  Sometimes, shit happens and you have to make the best of it.

  “What if something else has already made that choice for us?” I counter.

  Derek shrugs. “Then I guess we’ll have to figure it out.”

  “As friends.”

  “Good friends,” he tacks on.

  “Friends who will coexist in this ridiculous town and encourage our daughters to find a way to get along.”

  His eyes turn back to the painting. “I hope we’re able to do more than coexist. I guess time will tell.”

  Yeah, I guess it will.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Teagan

  Present

  “I don’t know how you can talk to my mom,” Chastity says to Nina as we put away my mother’s newest finds.

  “Why?”

  “Because she was mean, like Everly.” The name comes out as a sneer.

  It’s been a week since Chastity’s brought up Everly and I’d hoped it meant Everly had moved on, but apparently not.

  “Have you tried to talk to her?” I ask.

  “You can’t talk or look the Devil in the eye, Mother. You’ll go straight to hell.”

  Nina snorts. “It’s so hard for me to imagine that girl being anything but nice. Derek was such a good guy—still is, so I’m surprised his offspring isn’t.”

  “Dr. Hartz is the best. He’s so nice and lets me do way more than the other Dr. Hartz.”

  It eats me alive a little bit knowing she spends so much time with Derek. Each day, she heads there, works with him, and then comes here to tell me how much she likes him.

  I’m jealous that my daughter is hanging out with a man I want to see, which makes me the worst mother ever. I’m the picture-perfect image of maturity.

  “He’s a good guy.”

  “You two were best friends, right?”

  I nod. “Once upon a time.”

  “What happened?”

  I would throw myself off a building to avoid this conversation.

  “Nothing. We drifted apart.”

  Chastity nods. “Sad that it happened, since he’s pretty cool. Even if he was responsible for creating Satan’s spawn.”

  I burst out laughing. “You’re so dramatic. You also have no idea what that girl went through.”

  I watch my daughter’s eyes narrow in disgust. I know she hates Everly, and rightfully so, but exercising compassion is never a bad thing.

  “So that gives her the right to be nasty to me?”

  “Of course not, but I don’t think she’s inherently mean.”

  “I know what it’s like to only have one parent and I don’t treat others that way.” That statement wasn’t meant to be a dig at me. I know this. I can rationalize it, but it still bugs me that she doesn’t know the love of two parents.

  “Do you think that’s because you never knew what it was like?” Nina asks.

  “I also don’t know what poop tastes like, but I know I don’t want to try it.”

  “Chas, that’s not exactly what we’re…”

  “All I’m saying is just because you got knocked up with me from that guy who wanted nothing to do with either of us, doesn’t mean she gets to make bad choices too.”

  “So I made a bad choice?” I ask.

  “Mom,” Chastity says and moves toward me.

  “No, no,” I tell her with my hand up. “I get it. Mean girls for the win, right?”

  Nina touches her arm. “I think what your mother is saying is that Everly’s mother was killed in front of her. We know that your father is…well…but you didn’t know what it was like to have him, lose him, and then be taken from all you know.”

  I need to send Nina a gift for that one. We would’ve headed down a very different road had she not intervened. I refocus on the issue instead of on my own issues. “Exactly, being nice to her is more of a statement about you than her.”

  Chastity shakes her head with an eye roll. “And I would feel bad if she didn’t think making me cry was so much fun. If she was more like her dad, I wouldn’t hate her.”

  There’s no point in going on because she’s right. However, I think that Everly’s in deep pain, and lashing out is the only way to get through it.

  “Speaking of, have you seen Derek lately?” Nina asks in a seemingly nonchalant way that isn’t at all nonchalant.

  She knows damn well I haven’t. “Nope.”

  “Really? I saw him yesterday and he mentioned you. He was saying something about coming by to catch up.”

  I glare at her. “I haven’t seen or heard from him, but I didn’t expect to.”

  Nina nods with a smile. “I see. Well, in this town it’s bound to happen.”

  Chastity looks between us. “Am I missing something?”

  This girl is too smart for her own good. There’s no way with Nina’s subtlety of an elephant marching through the store that Chastity isn’t going to catch on. Nina is hoping for some kind of grand reunion that I’m not ready to think about. Right now, I’m fine with friends. Friends are safe and leave no room for hurt.

  “Nope.”

  “Really? Because I feel like there’s something you’re both talking about that I don’t know about.”

  “Just that your mama—”

  “Doesn’t really want to see Dr. Hartz because his daughter is mean to you,” I cut her off with my brows raised.

  My friend is going to die today, it seems.

  “Right. I would believe that, but you said that I should be nice…”

  “Don’t you think we should set your mama up?” Nina says out of nowhere.

  “Set her up?”

  “Yes, like on one of those online dating things.”

  “No,” I say before this gets out of hand.

  Nina grins and her devious little mind is hard at work. “I think it’s a great plan, Teagan. You’re clearly ready to start dating.”

  “Clearly? What’s clear about it?”

  “You mentioned the other day something about a man, didn’t you?”

  I mentioned Derek, not dating some random guy. “Nope.”

  “I think it’s a great idea, Mom.”

  Of course she does. “I’m fine with my life as it is.”

  “What about dating someone local?” Nina appears to b
e focusing on sorting the plates, but she’s not fooling me.

  Dating always ends up the same way. I find a guy who’s not my type, I’m forced to sit with him for hours, and go home and eat my emotions. The last guy Nina set me up with was the worst and I vowed to never let her interfere again.

  “There’s no one local and I really don’t want to date anyone.”

  “Why not?” Chastity interjects.

  “Because there’s no point.”

  “You’re going to die alone. Like a spinster in my romance novels.” Nina used to be my friend, until today when I had to kill her. “Do you want to be a spinster?”

  “I want to beat you with your own arms,” I say with a fake grin. “Aren’t you single?”

  “I’m not a spinster. I’m more of a modern woman making choices.” She smiles at me, and Chastity laughs.

  “Well,” Nina says as she claps her hands together. “Let’s make good choices and get you a date!”

  Chastity squeals and grabs my phone. “I already made her an account. We’ve got this!”

  “I hate you both,” I grumble and rip the phone back from her. “At least let me look first.”

  “Deal, as long as you promise to try and date at least one.” Nina’s fingers grip the top of the phone and she stares me down.

  Maybe they’re right. Maybe I need to try and see if there’s someone out there. If I want to move past this silliness with my old feelings coming back, this would be a good way to start.

  I release a heavy sigh and nod. “I promise.”

  “Good.” I see the pride in Nina’s eyes.

  Chastity wraps her arms around me and squeezes. “I want you to be happy, Mom.”

  I look down at her, my heart filled with so much love for this girl who has brought me so many unexpected changes that have fulfilled me in so many ways. “You make me happy, Titty.”

  We all burst out laughing and she rolls her eyes. “Never call me that again.”

  I shrug. I can’t let her have all the fun. Between these two it’s a wonder I haven’t pulled all my hair out. All I need is my mother to complete the party.

  “Girls!” She yells from the back.

  Jesus. I’m being punished for my past sins, that’s all I’ve got.

  “Talk about looking the Devil in the eye…”

  “Be nice,” Chastity warns me as though I’m the kid.

  Mom and I have barely spoken since my outburst at dinner. It’s been very…polite. My father probably laid into her and forced her to back off.

  I’ve wondered, if they knew the truth about why Keith relinquished his rights, would their opinion of me change? I’m not sure and that keeps me playing the role they’ve cast me as and finding solace in my choice. I never want my daughter to be ashamed that I’m her mother. Her father is in a public role and that tape would’ve made headlines. She lives in a small town that would chew on the scandal for years. People might talk about me now, but Chastity would never escape that level of embarrassment.

  “I’m always nice.”

  Nina snorts. “We’re back here, Mrs. B.”

  “There you are.” She sighs as though she’d searched high and low. “I have some new furniture in the truck that needs to be unloaded.”

  “Mom, we’re running out of room.”

  “Then we’ll have to make room.”

  Great. She should star on an episode of Hoarders. The only excuse she has is that she sells her junk.

  We all start to move toward the front, but she grabs my arm. “You stay with me.”

  “I should help—”

  “They can manage, we need to talk.”

  Mom tosses her coat on the back of the chair and motions for me to sit.

  “We don’t have to do this. All is fine in our world, Mother.”

  “I think we do.”

  In other words: I have no choice.

  I don’t doubt that she loves me, but I don’t think she likes me. It’s hard because years ago, I was her pride and joy. When you go from being loved so much it’s stifling to being the shit on someone’s shoes, it’s heartbreaking. I want her to see that I’m not a total disappointment. Chastity is my one great thing.

  “I’m sorry about the other night.”

  My jaw falls slack as I try to decide if this is reality or not. “You’re what?”

  “Don’t be so dramatic, Teagan. I’m sorry that I said those things.”

  “Did Dad make you say this?”

  Her eyes narrow. “No. He did not, thank you. I don’t want us to have this sort of relationship anymore. You’re my only child, and regardless of your choices, I still love you.”

  There are two things here and I’m not sure which one is going to win out.

  First, she said she was sorry. That has never happened.

  Second, she still found a way to remind me that my decisions are a disappointment. Which makes me wonder if she’s sorry that I’m her daughter or that she can’t find a way to see past the things she doesn’t like.

  “So what exactly are you sorry for, Mom?”

  “All of it. I’m sorry that we fight so much. I’m sorry that we haven’t found a way to accept things as they are.”

  “I’ve accepted it. That’s the thing.”

  She sighs. “I just wanted more for you.”

  I can understand that as a mother. I want the world for Chastity and I will be sad if her life doesn’t include college, a career, happiness, and everything she wants, but I won’t make her feel bad for it. That’s the difference.

  “I did too, but I wanted you to stand by me, be there for me, and not make me feel small all the time.”

  “That was never my intention. I thought I was giving you the truth to see that you’re better than this.”

  She has never been good at emotions. I can’t remember seeing her cry or being overly joyful at anything. It’s why I pushed so hard as a kid to be everything she wanted. I thought that maybe she would really love me. Each accomplishment was just another rung to get higher on the social ladder. It was never good enough for her, and I don’t think it ever will be.

  “I think you mean well, Mom. I really do. I have always wanted to make you proud. I hope that one day, I will.”

  A long breath escapes her nose and her lips are in a thin line. “I’m already proud of you, Teagan. I know I don’t show it. I’m not perfect, and I hope you understand my heart was in the right place. You’re so smart, beautiful, and have a wonderful heart, I…I went about it wrong, but my intentions were always good.”

  I have to accept that the way my mother loves me will never be the way I want her to love me. We may never see eye to eye, but maybe we can start talking heart to heart.

  “I want for us to stop cutting each other down. I love you, Mom.”

  She nods once, wiping at her eye. “I have some dust in my eye.” Her voice quivers.

  “It’s probably because I didn’t get a chance to clean the shelves this week.” I give her an out.

  “Oh, yes, it’s very dusty in here.”

  “Definitely.”

  “You’ll do the shelves today,” she instructs and straightens her back.

  Emotions and my mother are a funny thing. “Of course.”

  “Now that’s settled. Let’s get this store in order because it’s in total disarray.”

  I laugh through my nose. “Sure, let’s get to work.”

  * * *

  I sit at the bar, waiting for my date to show up, silently cursing Nina to hell.

  Last week, I let her convince me to put a profile up on an online dating site after she and Chastity ambushed me. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but she was so insistent that I needed to live again and that it would make Chastity feel better. I had no idea anyone would actually contact me.

  In seven days, I had a ton of messages, some creepy as fuck, others seeming like genuinely nice guys.

  After listening to her badger me to reply to someone, I did, and he wanted to meet�
��tonight.

  “Is this seat taken?” Derek’s voice says from the left. Great.

  “Yes, actually. I’m waiting for someone.”

  He smiles. “I see. Big date?”

  “If you must know, yes.”

  “Ahh, well, leaving a beautiful woman alone at the bar is never a good idea.”

  I start to reply but the jackass takes the seat I was saving for Gavin or Gary or…shit…I need to look at his profile and remember his name.

  “By all means,” I say with a flair of the dramatics. “Have a seat.”

  “Thanks.”

  I roll my eyes. “That was sarcasm.”

  Derek’s deep chuckle fills the air around us. “And here I thought you were just being polite.”

  He doesn’t get to come here, take my date’s seat, and gain my conversation. I use this opportunity to ignore him and look for what’s his name’s name on my phone.

  Gavin. Phew. I was right.

  I look toward the door, waiting to see if he’s who just came in, but it was just another town person. I really should’ve picked another location. It’s not like we have a plethora of options around here, but this was not my brightest idea.

  I wanted somewhere I could easily escape from if I had to, though. I know every exit from the Crabhouse. Lord knows I’ve snuck both in and out of here—many times.

  “No such luck, huh?” Derek asks and then hides his smile with his beer.

  “I’m sorry?”

  “Your date. He’s late?”

  I straighten my back and look away. “He’ll be here.”

  “Have you guys gone out before or is this a first date?”

  “Don’t you have anyone else to annoy?”

  He grins. “Nope.”

  “Lucky me.”

  “Chastity mentioned your big date tonight.”

  I turn with my mouth gaping. “She what?”

  Derek shrugs as if he didn’t say anything of consequence. “I heard you were meeting some guy off a dating site and I thought someone should be here in case you go missing. You know…chaperone.”

  “And you thought you should do it?”

  Meeting Greg—dammit—Gavin was going to be hard enough, but with my ex-best-friend-could’ve-been-more here it is going to be impossible.

  “Why don’t you head home and I’ll let you know if I need help?” I suggest.