“But, Dr. Hartz, you don’t even—” The Realtor tries to speak, but Derek turns to me.
“Tea?” His gaze is intent. “Do you need to go inside?”
“No.”
“Why?” he asks with a knowing smile.
This can’t be real. “Because I know.”
Derek slowly nods his head and grins. “As do I.”
How can he know this house is right? How can he possibly feel what I’m feeling when I see this home? It doesn’t make sense, but then again, nothing has ever been anything but strange with us.
He turns to the Realtor again. “We need a few minutes.”
She doesn’t say anything, but I know she’s left us. He takes my hand, pulling me closer. We walk the pathway, up to the porch. My fingers touch the pillars and glide along the banister. There’s a swing at the end, facing a huge old oak tree that stands beside the house.
We sit down, my hand still in his.
My eyes meet his and he smiles. “Sometimes I feel like I can still see in your heart and head. There are times when it feels so natural.”
“And times when it doesn’t…”
“Yeah, but the times I can”—Derek sighs—“it’s like coming home.”
It’s this house, that’s what’s making him say these things. It has to be, because the way he’s looking at me it’s as though he’s seeing into my soul.
I don’t want to cry, but I can’t stop the tear that forms. No matter how I’m trying to deny what I want, it’s there. Derek may have been absent from my life, but never from my heart. “It scares me.”
He watches me, seeming to grapple with something before he answers. “Me too.”
“I can’t handle it if you were to cut me off again. Not if I let you in this time.”
Derek’s thumb grazes the top of my hand. “I can’t walk away from you again, Tea. I don’t think I have it in me.”
There are no guarantees he can give me and I would be stupid to think otherwise. “You say that now, but we’re not exactly in the best position to make promises.”
We have things that are against us becoming close again. Everly and Chastity being the biggest.
“I’m not making promises, but I’m not going to spend the rest of my life waiting. I can’t just sit around and hope that things come to me. I did enough of that in my past. I felt something the other night. It was there the first time I saw you again. I feel it now, sitting here, looking at houses with you. If you think there’s nothing between us—you’re lying to yourself.”
Avoidance is a beautiful thing until it’s taken away. There are no veils of lies I can hide behind right now. He’s forcing me to be honest with myself and I would’ve much preferred not to. I don’t want to go back and feel all that hurt again. I’ve done what I can to move on from it and while we may be some version of friends, my heart is still made of glass with a crack in it. One bump or careless touch and it’ll shatter.
“Why this house, Derek?” I ask, feeling raw and vulnerable.
“Because it’s right. I know you see it. I want to stop second-guessing and fighting back something that’s clearly perfect for me.”
I shake my head because I’m not sure we’re talking about the house. All of this is making my emotions a jumbled mess. He’s saying everything that I’ve wanted, and yet the fear is crippling me from taking a chance. Anytime that I’ve allowed myself this sliver of hope, I’ve had it torn away. The hurt of losing, failing, and being alone has handcuffed me in some ways.
Derek is the key.
But what if he’s the wrong one? What if this house is another symbol of the dream instead of the reality?
And then I wonder…what if all of this is the one dream that will come true? Am I brave enough to take the risk?
“That’s the thing, sometimes we have to second-guess because our gut can be wrong.” I put as much strength as I have into my voice.
“Stop worrying, Teagan. Trust me. Trust what we feel.”
“It’s not that simple!” I move away from him, needing the space to think straight.
“Why? What’s complicated? We both have feelings for each other. We owe it to ourselves to see what it means.”
“And what about our kids?”
“What about them?”
I shake my head. “Do you really think Everly will want you to date or explore your feelings so soon after her mother’s death? Or what about the fact that of all the people you could choose, you’re choosing the mother of the girl she hates? Then, there’s my daughter…”
Chastity has never asked for anything from me. She’s always appreciated the sacrifices I make. I’ve never once been made to feel like a bad mother in her eyes. It doesn’t matter what my mother or I feel about my life, to Chas, I’m a hero. I’ve given her a roof, happiness, friendship, love, and always made sure she was cared for.
To force her to have to be around Everly feels like it would be a slap in her face.
“I know there are obstacles.”
I laugh. “There are boulders in front of the trail that neither one of us can push.”
“Then we stand in front of the boulder until we’re both strong enough to move it together. I’m asking for a date, Teagan, not forever.”
But somewhere deep in my heart, I know that Derek has always owned my forever.
“One date. One date and you don’t buy this house.”
His smile could brighten the sky if it were dull. “One date, and I’m putting an offer in today.”
One date and then we can go back to just friends.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Derek
Present
“Where are you going?” Everly asks.
“Out.”
She was supposed to be with her friends tonight and it was the perfect chance to leave the house without facing a million questions, but that didn’t happen.
“I see that, but where?”
“Where people are.”
Everly huffs. “Dad.”
“I’m going out with a few friends from high school.” It’s not a lie…completely. I’m going out with Teagan on a date and there could be other people we went to school with there. You never know.
She rolls her eyes. “Let me guess, Teagan Berkeley?”
“She’ll be there.”
“Mom hated her,” she states with disgust. “You know that, right?”
“Your mother was upset, and I’m part of the reason, but Teagan did nothing to deserve that anger.”
There was no making Meghan happy because she didn’t really want to be. The saddest part was that I would’ve done anything she wanted if she would’ve let it go. I did love Meghan. But I shattered her heart and it never healed.
“Mom hated her. She told me how you were friends and you were in love with Teagan and were going to leave us.”
I hold back the rage that starts to build. I hate that Meghan would ever tell Everly this. Everly is a kid. She should’ve never been aware of the issues Meghan and I had, but when it came to Teagan, she apparently felt no need to filter.
Meghan was so damn sure I was going to leave the first chance I got, I guess she wanted to poison Everly just in case. It didn’t matter that I stayed, even when our marriage was nothing but a façade.
“I didn’t leave, and I didn’t want to. I’m not going to discuss this with you, though. I lost a friend years ago and now that we’re back in touch, I’m not going to lose her again.”
“I hate her.”
“You don’t know her.”
Everly crosses her arms. “I don’t care. I know Mom did and that’s enough for me.”
I nod once. “Well, you can have your feelings and I have mine.”
Arguing with her isn’t going to change anything, and right now, Teagan and I are friends. My feelings for her are stronger and hers are as well, but Everly doesn’t need that information.
Which is what I think Teagan’s entire point was. For now, we need to see what this is
and if we’re willing to navigate it.
“Don’t do this, Daddy,” Everly begs as I get to the door.
I turn and see a scared and sad little girl. Not the tough one who doesn’t care about anything. “Do what?”
“Date her.”
I walk toward her, gathering her in my arms before kissing the top of her head. “You know that I’ve been alone for a long time, right?”
It’s time we discuss what we know to be our past.
“Yes. But you loved Mom! I know you did!”
“I did. I loved her. I loved her very much.”
She shakes her head, tears forming. “Then you can’t do this. If you loved her, Daddy, you can’t date Teagan!”
I sigh, rubbing my hand down my face. “When you love someone, really love someone, you want their happiness above all else.” I look up at her, watching the tears fall. “I wanted your mother to be happy. I thought that maybe somewhere deep inside, I would’ve made her happy, but I couldn’t. I hurt her a very long time ago, and I don’t think she ever forgave me.”
Everly wipes her eyes. “Because of her.”
“No, Everly, not because of Teagan.” I catch an errant tear on her cheek. “It was because I was never brave enough to tell anyone the truth. I don’t want to make those same mistakes again. I like Teagan and I don’t want to be unhappy anymore.”
She nods, fighting to stop another round of crying. “I know. I don’t want you to be either.”
I wish she knew that even as unhappy as I was, I still didn’t want this to be how my story with her mother ended.
“I miss your mother. I know that may not make sense to you since we weren’t happy, but I do miss her. She was funny and beautiful. She lit up a room when she walked in and God knows I never wanted anything to happen to her.”
Everly’s tears fall. “I just keep waiting for her to come back.”
“I know.”
“I keep thinking it didn’t happen, but I know it did.” Everly’s lip quivers.
“I wish none of it happened and your mother was still alive.”
She sniffs and wipes her eyes. “I don’t want you to replace her.”
“That’s not what I’m doing,” I tell her. “I’m not replacing your mother, there is no replacement for her.”
Everly takes a step back. “Then you won’t date Teagan?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.”
Her sadness is gone and it’s now replaced with anger. I understand on some level how she feels. I can’t imagine my father dating if he ever lost my mother, but then again, their marriage is nothing like mine was.
While I may have just lost Meghan, she hasn’t been mine for a long time.
There is nothing wrong with what I’m doing right now.
“You’ve never cared about what I want anyway, why should you start now?” she says and then rushes out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
I sit on the bed, wondering if this is wrong. Should I do what she asks and cancel? Am I being a bad parent because I want to move on with my life or because after all this time, I feel again?
There’s a soft knock on the door, and I don’t have to ask who it is. “Come in, Mom.”
“Sorry, honey, I overheard Everly.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
She sits on the bed beside me. “What do you want to do?”
I look at her because I honestly don’t remember the last time anyone asked me that. “I don’t know.”
“Don’t you?”
“No. Yes. I don’t…”
“You don’t know who you are anymore, Derek.” Mom waits for me to respond, but I can’t. “It’s not a bad thing, we all go through this. Lord knows I did after you left for college. When we lose something or someone who defines a part of us, we have to redefine ourselves.”
My mother doesn’t know the truth about my marriage. I’m sure she assumed a lot and probably knows more than I’d like to believe, but I’ve never told her the truth.
“I wish it was that simple.”
She smiles softly. “Nothing is simple. But when someone makes you feel better in this world, they’re a chance worth taking.”
“You mean Teagan?”
“Sweetheart, you and Teagan have always been like two planets orbiting one another. When you told us you were getting married, do you know I thought it was to her?”
“You never…”
“Of course I never said anything, and when you stopped talking to her, I assumed it was because Meghan had the same concerns.”
I will never underestimate my mother again. “Yes.”
“She was probably right to be doubtful, but it was sad for Teagan, don’t you think?” And me. It was sad for everyone all around. “I would hate to see you hurt her again because of Meghan. The words you heard tonight from Everly weren’t hers. They were her mother’s. We both know it and now you get to decide if you’re going to allow someone else to dictate who you love or whether you’re finally going to listen to your heart.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Teagan
Present
I’m parked outside the restaurant where we’re supposed to meet. My nerves are out of control. Thank God Nina came over and picked out my clothes because I was completely lost.
What the hell do you wear to a date with a man you’ve loved your whole adult life?
Nothing looked right. I was trying too hard, not trying hard enough, or just plain frumpy.
Now, I’m here, in a deep purple dress and my hair curled in long waves—sitting in the car—like a chicken shit.
This is crazy. This is completely stupid and crazy. Derek can’t possibly want to date me, not really. He wants to figure out some weird thing in our past and see if it’s true. He must be just…going through some move-back-to-small-town-life crisis.
I start the car and then a knock causes me to jump. “Jesus.”
Derek is at the window, with a smile on his face. “Going somewhere?”
I close my eyes and let my head fall to the steering wheel. “God, I hate my life.”
“Were you running away?”
“Not very well.”
He chuckles and then opens the door. “No, but I give you a C for effort.”
“Just a C?” I ask as I turn my head to the side to catch a glimpse of him.
“I’m being generous too.”
Lucky me. “How long were you watching me?”
I have a feeling this is going to be the worst part. If he just happened upon me I won’t have to die from mortification, but if he was somehow skulking in the shadows and saw me sitting here for fifteen minutes, I’ll never live it down.
“Oh, since you pulled up.”
“Of course.”
“What were you doing? Convincing yourself it’s totally cool to bail on your date? I know you didn’t like being on the receiving end of it.”
“I wasn’t going to bail like he did. I planned to have a better reason,” I huff.
“How magnanimous of you.”
He leans over me, turning the engine off, and taking my keys.
“Hey!”
“We’re not eating in the car and really, you’ve lost the element of surprise.”
I glare at him as he grins. “Fine.”
“Just the way I like my dates to start off…”
I laugh and shake my head. “You haven’t been on a date in over thirteen years.”
Derek wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him. “Yes, and look how great this one is already going.”
We enter the restaurant and get to our table. I haven’t been to Pasta Palace since I was in high school. It’s a few towns over, which we thought was a good idea so we lessen the chances of running into anyone. Privacy is a commodity we don’t have an abundance of.
“You look great,” he says as we look over the menus.
“Thanks. You look good too.”
And he does. Derek has always been good-lookin
g, but man, has he aged well. There’s a sexiness about him that I don’t remember when we were younger. He grew into himself. His body was a little disproportionate and he wasn’t quite sure what looked good or not. There is zero of that now.
Derek commands the space around him, forcing it to conform around him, making his presence felt everywhere.
It’s sexy.
Very sexy.
The waiter appears, takes our drink order, and informs us of the specials.
“Everyone knows you only order off the pasta section here,” I whisper conspiratorially. I would hate to see him end up with food poisoning.
“I didn’t know that.”
“Oh,” I say with dramatics. “It’s a thing. Last month, Nina ended up violently ill after she thought maybe the chicken was safe.”
“And you suggested here because?”
“Because we live on the island and our choices are limited.”
It’s not like we’re basking in options. In the winter, it’s slim pickings. We get what we get and eat in if we don’t like it.
“I forget sometimes what it’s like living here.”
“Yeah, South Carolina was a bit different, huh?”
“Much.”
“Do you miss it?”
Derek shrugs. “Not all of it. I miss my house and my practice.”
“It must’ve been hard to leave.”
“My dad needed me. He’s not as healthy as he’d like to believe and, honestly, I needed to be around family. I’m so out of my league with Everly, and my mother seems to connect with her. We were alone down there. I worked crazy hours, and leaving Everly home with the neighbor for hours wasn’t fair.”
“We do what we have to as single parents.”
He nods. “I didn’t have to stay there. I could’ve come back the day Meghan died. I worked because I needed to stay busy. I immersed myself in my practice so that I could avoid the questions and people who wanted to know how I was feeling. How do you tell people you’re upset but then there’s relief too?”
I wish I could answer that for him, but I don’t think he really wants that. He’s been holding this in, and for some reason, he trusts me enough to let it go. “I’m sorry.”
All I Ask Page 16
