A Past Refrain

by Brenda Barrett

  It was depressing. He threw a crumpled piece of paper in the bin, closed his eyes with a heavy sigh, and leaned back in his chair.

  "Jayce," Abby said breathily somewhere near him. He heard her heels clicking on the floor, heading toward him, but he stubbornly refused to open his eyes to look at her. Her image was burned on his eyelids anyway.

  She had made the absurd decision to wear pink today. Absurd, because pink highlighted her dusky brown skin and gave her a healthy glow. He had had his fill of staring at her this morning. She was in a rose pink blouse that molded her slim curves and a pencil skirt that fell a little below her knees, and she had a pink band holding her long hair together in a curly ponytail. She looked like a model trying to be a secretary or a dream giving him nightmares.

  "Jayce," Abigail said again, insistently. "Are you okay?"

  He grunted. "Yes, sure."

  "The landscaper called. He said you have an appointment with him at the house."

  Jayce cracked an eye open and she came into his field of vision. Dark red lips—he wondered what it was about women with naturally deep red lips that made him so fascinated. She licked hers and he watched the action as if it were in slow motion.

  "Jayce!" Abigail said, leaning on the desk to look at him closely. "Are you sure you are okay?"

  Jayce dragged his eyes from her lips and looked into her eyes. No, I am not okay. What kind of witchcraft are you practicing on me? I can't get you out of my head!

  "Yes, I am sure," he said too loudly. "I am fine."

  "The landscaper..." Abigail prompted. "What should I tell the landscaper?"

  "Tell him I don't care," Jayce said. "I want to fill the pool, add some trees and flowers. Tell him to run amok. I don't really know about these things; that's why I hired a landscaper. Wait, I definitely want an orange tree. I love oranges."

  "But..."Abigail bit her lip, "it's such a nice place, almost half an acre. Don't you want to choose your trees and colorful shrubs and place your bougainvilleas at the side of the fence so that you'll have a burst of color when you enter the driveway?"

  Jayce shrugged. "Couldn't care less." A light came in his eyes. "But since you feel so passionate about it, you can talk to him. That's more than fine with me. I'd give you a lift to the house and you could have a ball."

  "You would leave it up to me?" Abigail raised her eyebrows and looked at him skeptically.

  "Yes, why not?" Jayce said. "My landscape could do with a female touch." My life could do with a female touch, he thought silently. Not just any female, yours.

  Abigail straightened up. "I'll come over to your place this evening and help you make some decisions regarding your landscape then."

  Jayce couldn't believe what he was hearing. She was actually offering to help him, after making him depressed over the past two weeks because of her cold treatment. She even had a smile on her face now and was looking at him kindly.

  "Okay," he agreed hurriedly. "That'd be great."

  *****

  Abigail went back to her desk, her heart doing a little tripping dance. She had valiantly tried to resist Jayce for two whole weeks. It hadn't been easy to do; he was equal parts charming and friendly, and it had taken all of her self-control to thwart his advances. It hurt her to be so cold to him but she couldn't risk letting him in on her secret. Jayce was too honest and down to earth to be caught up in the intrigue that was her past life.

  She wished she could confide in him, though. Sometimes like now, when she could see his obvious attraction to her, she wished she could pour out her heart to him and have him reassure her that everything was going to be all right.

  In the meantime, the least she could do was to be as efficient as possible and help him with his work here. If she could make his personal life any easier without imposing too much, she would be willing to do just that. She had to keep the boundaries between her and Jayce high because he obviously liked her. He had said as much.

  She sat at her desk and worried her lips between her teeth, only snapping to attention when the phone rang.

  *****

  "I had no idea that you knew so much about shrubs and trees and where to put them.You had the landscaper salivating at your suggestions," Jayce said to Abigail.

  After they had seen the landscaper, they were sitting at the back of the house on the steps of the empty pool area. It was late evening and the air was cool and the community silent.

  Abby shrugged. "There was a time when I dealt with that kind of thing a lot."

  Jayce looked at her keenly. She had taken off her sensible work shoes. Her toenails were painted a delicate shade of pink and her pencil skirt was hiked up on her legs. She was sitting beside him, calmly swinging her legs and giving him some insight into her life. He didn't want to ruin it but he wanted to know more. His curiosity about her was at an all-time high. Her terse resume had been no help and she didn't give references—she had a big secret.

  "Where?" he asked simply, not making eye contact and trying to be as casual as he could. He was treating her as calmly as one would treat a wild animal, not wanting it to retreat.

  "I was married to an extremely wealthy man who had property all over the globe. I was the one who coordinated the landscape. I love that kind of thing. He allowed me to do what I wanted with the places..."

  Jayce slowly turned his head toward her. "You were married?"

  Abby sighed. "Yes."

  "To an extremely wealthy man?"

  Abby stopped swinging her legs and looked uncomfortable. "Yes."

  "So..." Jayce shook his head in disbelief, "why were you a waitress at Searock? And why are you working for me now?"

  Abby grimaced. "It's a long story."

  "Obviously," Jayce said, "but we have time. Who is he?" His interest piqued almost to the bursting point. "Why did you two break up?"

  Abby cupped her hand in her chin. "I don't want to talk about it. Most of that part of my life I can't tell you about."

  "What can you tell me?" Jayce asked.

  "I like you," she said earnestly, giving him one of her heart-melting smiles. "I really do, and I am grateful for the job."

  Jayce looked at her in disbelief. "You realize that this is classic deflection. You don't want to answer so you give me a compliment and hope that my ego will take over. I am wasting my time with you, aren't I?"

  Abby sighed. "I wouldn't say you are wasting your time, I just can't imagine why you find me so interesting, and I can't believe you haven't had a girlfriend since high school. Why did you break up with her?"

  "So we are going to talk about me instead," Jayce asked, "when you just dropped a bombshell about your past?"

  Abby shrugged. "Or we don't have to talk at all."

  Jayce gazed at the stubborn expression on her face and then shrugged. "I'll play along for now, but in the near future I am going to want to know and you are going to tell me."

  Abby groaned. "Okay then... Tell me about your great love for this girl from high school?" She emphasized the word love mockingly.

  "Don't mock me," Jayce warned. "I really did love her. Young love can be powerful. I met her when I was sixteen. We were together for four years, we were almost inseparable, and then she left home as soon as she was eighteen.

  "I was overseas at college at the time and she never said goodbye to me. I understood why she wouldn't tell anybody else, especially her parents, but to just leave without saying a word to me...the lack of closure haunted me for years. I felt like I couldn't move on without knowing what I did wrong. I mean, we were perfect together—at least that's what I thought."

  He shrugged. "She was actually the second woman who I cared about who left me without a proper goodbye."

  Abby blinked her eyes rapidly, as if she was fighting back tears. "Who was the first?" she asked huskily.

  "My mother," Jayce said. "She left me and my dad. She didn't even pack her clothes or much of her belongings. So for years my dad and I left everything exactly how she had it, hoping that she woul
d come back."

  "That's terrible," Abigail said earnestly. "Did you ever find out where she went?"

  Jayce nodded. "Yes, a couple of years ago when my dad swallowed his pride and decided to check her out, he found out that she is alive and well, living in the UK. She has another family. Apparently she left us because she had met someone else."

  The evening sun was slowly sinking into the horizon. They could hear the melodious chorus of crickets as they heralded the dusk.

  Jayce turned to Abigail fully. "My dad has never remarried, nor does he date. He used to jokingly say that the Morgan men are like pigeons."

  "How so?" Abigail asked.

  "They mate for life and if one dies the survivor accepts a new mate only slowly. I thought Haley was my life-mate but obviously I was wrong and maybe high school was too soon a time to know when you've found the right person. I don't know."

  Abigail gasped and then tried to cover it up with a cough.

  "What?" Jayce asked. "You find me ridiculous don't you?"

  "No." Abby shook her head vigorously. "It's just that...I don't think I am worthy to fit into the shoes of your Haley. I can't be a perfect girlfriend. I have too much baggage for that. I don't even think I want a relationship."

  She looked at him apprehensively. "Why do you even like me?"

  "Honestly, I have no idea," Jayce said, frowning. "You are pretty, yes, but so are a dozen other girls out there. I don't know if I can explain it but when I saw you in the restaurant, it was your first day there. I remember thinking how I hadn't seen you before. You smiled at me, remember, as if you were waiting for me.

  "At the time the only thought in my head was how much seeing you made something in me click. I was irresistibly drawn to you. I have only ever felt this way about Haley. I actually sat down in that restaurant chair, thankful that nothing was wrong with me. It's just like my father said; I must have a pigeon's heart or something."

  Abigail jumped up hurriedly, a haunted cast to her face. "Can you take me home now?"

  Jayce got up much slower. "Sure." His voice had a defeated tone. He could feel her slipping away from him. She probably thought that he was too intense, too crazy. He may have come on too strong, and why did he have to tell her about Haley? Obviously, his pigeon talk had scared her. It was too much too soon.

  He was busily castigating himself when they walked toward the house and the automatic lights came on. Abigail stumbled over a piece of debris and he spun around just in time to help her up.

  "Thanks," she said sheepishly. She looked into his eyes. With his back to the lights she couldn't really see his expression, but she could feel the hammering of his heart so close to where her hands rested.

  Jayce didn't want to let her go. He inhaled her scent. She smelled faintly like vanilla, or was it citrus? He drew her unresisting body even closer to him and lowered his lips to hers; they were slightly opened and he kissed the gasp that she made.

  Their surroundings disappeared, and the world outside no longer existed. For Jayce her arms felt like home, so different and yet so familiar. He trembled with anticipation as she pressed herself closer to him and wound her hand around his neck.

  "Haley," he whispered roughly, dragging his lips from hers after what seemed like an interminable time and setting her back from him. He stumbled to the wall and leaned on it, using it as a prop because he had no strength left in his legs.

  He looked at Abigail with confusion in his eyes; in his arms. She felt so much like Haley. It had been impossible for his senses to separate the two of them.

  Abigail had a stunned look on her face as she stared at him. After a long time she cleared her throat but her voice wasn't quite steady. "Can you take me home now, please?"

  Jayce took in a long deep breath. "I am sorry for calling you Haley."

  "No worries," Abigail said flippantly. Her voice was still quivery. "I underestimated your high school love." She walked to his car rapidly and stood at the passenger door, waiting for him impatiently.

  He opened her door and ensured that she got into the vehicle, glancing at her closed expression before he walked around to his side.

  Jayce felt like an A-class idiot and was horrified at what he had done. He hadn't kissed a girl in such a long time that he couldn't remember what it was like, but the first thing he did was call her by another girl's name.

  They were silent all the way to her home. He blamed his dad for convincing him that he had a pigeon's heart. He blamed himself for being so closed off to women that he had only now found someone that he wanted to be with. He blamed Haley and her longevity. She had taken up so much space in his memory that after so long he couldn't even kiss another woman without remembering her.

  By the time they pulled up at Golden Gate Apartments Abigail had already taken off her seatbelt and had her hand on the door handle.

  "I really am sorry," Jayce said softly.

  "Don't sweat it," Abigail said hurriedly as she exited the vehicle. "See you at work tomorrow. We should forget all of this and pretend that it didn't happen."

  "No, no, no," Jayce moaned under his breath as she walked away. She fumbled in her bag for her keys, missing the lock several times before she actually got the key in.

  She went inside, giving him one last unfathomable look, and then closed her door.

  He heaved a sigh; at least she hadn't slammed it. He stayed locked in position, looking at the closed door for the longest while before he drove away.

  Chapter Seven

  Abby had her ear to the door and when she finally heard the car start up, she breathed a ragged sigh of relief and slumped on the door. How was it possible for Jayce to recognize her after all these years?

  She had extensive plastic surgery done on her face. She was sure that even her own mother would pass her in the streets and not recognize her, but Jayce had on some subliminal level known it was her.

  That kiss had triggered something in his subconscious because he had called her Haley. It was like an invisible thread drew them together.

  Jayce was right; he was like a pigeon and without even realizing it, he had laid bare her deepest secret, without batting an eyelid, and she had made him feel bad about it. She had to.

  She staggered to a mirror, looking at her face keenly. Her lips were slightly swollen. That kiss had gone on forever; she had felt like holding onto Jayce and never letting go. It must have brought back memories of their past. Their lips had met in a familiar passionate dance. It was as if they were back in the nineties again. The kiss had been new and yet familiar.

  She touched her lips, backed away from the bathroom, and sat on her bed. She had tried hard not to give Jayce any clues about herself. How was she to know that he remembered her favorite color, the fact that she ate porridge with raisins and inane things like that? The guy had an elephant brain and he had only had her in his life as a girlfriend.

  She got up and took off her clothes slowly. She had to tread carefully with him from now on. He was too smart for her and her little clues about her life, which she thought would head him off, but they only made him more curious.

  She lay on the bed and closed her eyes. That picture she saw on Jayce's kitchen wall the other night was one she had taken after the band's first fund raising concert.

  She had just gotten the camera. It was a professional model she had gotten from her uncle, who had been selling out his belongings to go on a mission trip to Africa. He had given it to her and told her to build memories with it.

  Her first picture had been that one of the guys in the band. She had taken another picture that evening; she wondered who had it. She had asked a passerby to take a picture of the guys in the band with their girlfriends.

  She had stood beside Jayce, hugging him possessively. Alice had done the same to Carson and Aaron had reluctantly hugged Keisha, who he was slightly afraid of. That year Keisha had been extremely possessive and Aaron had asked her and Alice to break up with Keisha for him that night.

  She chuck
led silently. Oh, she missed them. When she was forced to leave, the very thought of the band and especially Jayce had brought her to tears. They had become more than friends; they were family. They had made her life semi-bearable with her overbearing, strict, out-of-touch father.

  To stop herself from hurting she had tried to block out that part of her life. For years she forced herself to forget. What good would it do to rehash her days with them? She had naively thought she wouldn't see them again.

  She had naively thought that she wouldn't see Jayce again neither. However, when it came time for her survival, she had subconsciously made a decision to return to the one place she knew that she would find him again.

  She opened her eyes, staring at the shadows on the wall. Was that why she had returned to Montego Bay? Hadn't she been happy when she found out that he had not moved on? Didn't her heart soar every time he told her how much he couldn't get over Haley? Didn't she feel a secret frisson of pleasure every time she saw what an impact she had had on him?

  Yes, yes, yes and yes. She answered her own questions and closed her eyes, permitting herself to remember. She had fought it valiantly for two weeks but tonight, at least tonight, she could indulge her memories a little.

  June 1996

  "Why on earth is your father so strict?" Jayce asked in exasperation. "You are sixteen years old, not two!" They were lying in separate hammocks in his backyard. "All I did was ask him if you could spend the day with me. He acted as if I asked him permission for you to spend the night. If my father hadn't shown up at church to get me that evening in his fierce military uniform and looked like a hulking menace and assured him that he would be here chaperoning the two of us, he wouldn't have agreed."