A Past Refrain

by Brenda Barrett

  When her father got up to speak, Abby realized that because of his attitude all three of his children were messed up to some degree—three girls and not one of them was close to him.

  He had treated them like he was a general in an army. Ironically, Jayce's father, who was the real army man, treated his son with the kind of gentleness, attentiveness, and understanding with which one was supposed to treat a child.

  The blame for their fractured family rested squarely on Antonio Greenwald's shoulders. He could easily lead the church flock but his family life was a complete mess. His gruff and stern way of handling children was wrong and his mode of discipline was more abusive than caring. Abigail wondered, not for the first time, what made him that way.

  She wondered if he ever wished that things were different—if he ever tried to at least reconcile with Cher or even Beatrice, because he certainly hadn't tried with her. He couldn't swallow his pride or humble himself enough to say, Sorry I was a lousy father. Suddenly, she didn't want to hear his message. Her curiosity about him was assuaged. What could he legitimately tell her when she knew who he really was?

  He was a proud man. The Lord did not work well with proud. In fact, that was the first of the seven things that God hated: a proud look.

  She needed to hear her father say that he was sorry for the way he treated his children in the past—especially her. He had given her an uncalled-for beating that almost killed her.

  She knew he felt that he was justified in punishing her that day and that was the scary part of all of this: her father thought that he was always right.

  She closed her eyes briefly. It would take no less than God's intervention to change his heart. She whispered a prayer for him before he spoke, nonetheless.

  Pastor Greenwald cleared his throat before starting to speak. "It is a good day to be alive, brethren."

  There were a few amens at that statement.

  "Today I realized how grateful we should be for life." He looked in the audience contemplatively. "Today I realized how utterly blessed we are for being here."

  He opened his Bible. "The Holy Spirit prompted me to preach this sermon today. I don't know why," he said gruffly. "It's the story of Abigail. Nothing much is known of her background and her story is just a few lines in the Bible, but the Lord told me this morning that I should speak about Abigail. He said it, so I am doing it."

  "That's you, Abigail." Jayce whispered to her. "Nobody knows much about your background."

  Abby looked at him and smiled. "Shut up." Her mind was racing, though. God knew her secret; he knew everything. What if he told her father? Was his message coincidence? Just when she visited his church?

  "The Bible describes her as beautiful and intelligent. Listen, not many women in the Bible are called beautiful and intelligent." Greenwald cleared his throat. "I appreciate women, and beautiful and intelligent in the same package…that's a good woman to have."

  The church chuckled.

  Jayce nodded beside her. "Definitely you, Abby."

  "I have three girls. I know I don't talk about them much."

  "He has two girls," Jayce mumbled under his breath. "Poor guy doesn't know that one is dead."

  Abigail sat forward in her seat, barely breathing. She waited to hear more from her father.

  Greenwald cleared his throat. "While I was drawn to this passage, 1 Samuel 25, I realized that Abigail means the father's joy. Every one of my girls was a joy to me. I wish I could have named one of them Abigail. However, it's too late..." he chuckled. "Way too late. Sister Greenwald and I have passed that stage but if we were to do it again, we would do it differently."

  His voice broke. "Much differently. As parents you live and you learn."

  Abigail gasped. That was what her chosen name meant, 'father’s joy'? If she had known she wouldn't have chosen it, and what was he talking about? He didn't love any of his girls, and he wanted a do-over? That was a public declaration from Antonio Greenwald that he was not the perfect father.

  She felt flushed and her skin felt prickly.

  "So, the story is an interesting one," Pastor Greenwald continued after his rumination. "Samuel, the great prophet of Israel, had just died and David, heir apparent to the throne, was running from Saul, the current king, who was hunting him down.

  "David and his men took refuge in the wilderness of Paran, near Carmel. This is also where the wealthy man, Nabal, was pasturing his flocks of sheep and goats. Thanks to David and his men, Nabal’s flocks and herds were well protected. Ironically, Nabal's name means fool, and he lived up to the name. At shearing time there was usually a big celebration and David sent to ask Nabal if his men could participate. Nabal gave David a foolish response.

  "Some men, including myself, are really stubborn and foolish and it takes an intelligent woman like Abigail to avert a war. To save the household..."

  "Amen!" Jayce said loudly beside her.

  Abigail and the rest of the row chuckled. Her father looked over in their side of the church and out of the blue said, "I see Brother Jayce Morgan agrees with me. Years ago, I also did a foolish thing and he was affected. I am saying publicly that I am sorry, Jayce, and I mean it. I am also sorry to the band for the past few months that I inconvenienced you. You are our church band and you have been doing a great work. I wish you well in your ministry."

  "You know," he said, his voice breaking, "I also wish that my girls were here and that I could say sorry to them individually and collectively for being the kind of fool that I was. As I told you, church, the Lord spoke to me this morning. I need to change my ways or like this foolish Nabal, I may just have his ending."

  He continued speaking but Jayce and Abigail looked at each other, both of them dumbfounded, but for different reasons.

  Tears sprang to Abby's eyes and she blinked them away. She couldn't look at her father one more minute without breaking down.

  "Where's the restroom?" she leaned over to Alice and asked huskily. She didn't want to go around the church building wandering aimlessly with tears streaming down her face.

  Alice looked at the tears at the corners of her eyes and touched her hand. "I'll show you."

  *****

  "That was a Pastor Greenwald shocker," Alice said when Abby exited the bathroom after a long bout of crying. Her eyes were red.

  "Let's go sit around the porch at the back," Alice suggested. "Your eyes are blood red."

  "Thanks," Abigail said hoarsely.

  "No problem." Alice sat on a bench in a relaxed pose and Abby sat beside her.

  "The sermon hit a nerve. Didn't it?" Alice asked after a long silence.

  "Yes, you could say that."

  "That took a lot of nerve on his part," Alice said. "He was admitting things that I never expected him to and asking for forgiveness. I admire that. People always talk about forgiving someone, but it's quite another thing if you are the guilty party and ask for it."

  "Yup," Abby said, staring out at the manicured back lawn.

  "I remember him from years ago," Alice said wistfully. "His daughter Haley was my friend. We used to call ourselves the first ladies of the New Song band. I was with Carson and she was with Jayce... Haley was afraid of him because he was so strict. She was the youngest child, and boy, did she get the brunt of his discipline. I know it is going to make him extremely sad when he finds out she's dead and he didn't get to tell her sorry."

  Abby nodded.

  "My therapist would tell him to write a letter," Alice said ruefully. "And put it all down on paper and then bury it."

  "You needed a therapist?" Abby asked Alice sharply. "Why?"

  Alice sighed. "I have an interesting past that I needed to be at peace with."

  "But you have been married to Carson for years!" Abigail said. "What kind of past can you have?"

  Alice laughed and then she couldn't stop laughing. After a while she wiped her eyes. "Abigail, you are funny. I was away for ten years; I returned to Jamaica two years ago. I haven't always been here and before
that, I had a rough time. I just had to go."

  "Before that?" Abigail shook her head. "You got married a few months after high school to the grand love of your life and had a baby shortly after that. You were planning to marry him from when you were a tot. At fourteen you even had your dress picked out. You had the perfect life, except that you lived in Norwood, of course."

  Alice stiffened and looked at Abigail, a fierce frown marring her brow. "Who are you?"

  Abigail groaned. "Would you be satisfied if I said I guessed?"

  "No!" Alice said definitely. "Jayce said you knew things, stuff about us..." She looked at Abigail suspiciously. "You tell me yours and I tell you mine."

  "What?" Abigail said, feeling cornered.

  "Secret," Alice said. "There is a secret, isn't there? You went to high school with us before or something..."

  Abby looked around. There was no one hanging around. She twisted her lips. "If I tell you, you can't tell anyone, not even Jayce. Especially Jayce."

  Alice quirked her eyebrows. "Wait, is it a crime? Because I don't think I can keep a crime secret again. I did that for many years and it was not pretty."

  "You hid a crime secret?" Abigail whispered.

  "Yes," Alice said, "my mother asked me to. So if it is a crime don't tell me. I have zero tolerance for that kind of stuff."

  "No," Abby shrugged, "actually, I don't think I can keep a crime secret. I went to the police with it and they kicked me out of the station. So technically I did not keep a secret. Though I might have if the person I witnessed doing the crime did not try to kill me."

  "Mmm." Alice looked at her sideways. "Sounds like you have one hell of a secret."

  Abby chuckled. "We used to eat green plums with pepper under the poui tree at the back of Cedar Hill High. We used to call Mr. Jerges the English teacher, Mr. Jergens, from the lotion. Oh, and I had to help you arrange your charity concert in order for you to go to the Pantomime in Kingston. That was fun."

  Alice shook her head. "I did those things with Haley Greenwald."

  "I know," Abigail said. "Remember that night after one of the band concerts when Aaron begged us to break up with Keisha for him?"

  Alice squealed and then clamped her hand over her mouth and moved up higher on the bench and away from Abigail. She had shock stamped all over her features and she was actually trembling.

  "You two," Jayce said, coming around the corner with a look of concern on his face. "The service is almost done; I thought something was wrong."

  Abby looked at Alice fearfully. She was still staring at her as if she had seen a ghost.

  Jayce looked between them. "Okay. What's going on?"

  "I…er…" Alice cleared her throat. "Abigail says the darndest things." She got up. "She is scandalous, I tell you."

  She then turned to look at Abigail again. "We have to pick this up later. You have to call me tonight. No, I'll call you."

  Abby nodded, already regretting that she said anything, especially after Jayce looked at Alice's retreating back and then at her with curiosity stamped on his face.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Abigail tossed and turned the night after the service. She had to hand it to Alice; she had not betrayed any emotions when they met again for the dinner in Aaron's stunning backyard. She had acted normally, laughing and chatting with Abby. She was good, extremely good, but Abby was still worried. She shouldn't have told her anything. What if Alice told Carson? Then Carson told Ian or Xavier. Xavier told Farrah. Farrah told Alka, her best friend. Alka told Aaron and Aaron told Logan. Logan would tell Melody and then, Melody would tell Jayce, for sure, if one of his friends didn't tell him first.

  She wouldn't have told Alice if she hadn't broken down like a ninny and cried when she heard her father admitting that he wasn't a good father to his girls and going as far as to apologize to the band and commend their ministry.

  His strange humble attitude had been the topic of conversation for most of the evening, with everyone having various theories. Logan had suggested that maybe he was dying.

  Jayce thought that maybe he found out that Haley had died. Ian had thought that he was finally converted. "A man could preach and be in the ministry for years and not be converted," he had said.

  She liked that theory. It summed up her father well and now it seemed as if he was having a closer look at himself and not liking what he was seeing. Besides, she hated the thought of him dying; in all her years of estrangement from her father and mother, she had always imagined them still strong and healthy.

  She didn't want them dead. She wanted them around; she had always had a fantasy of meeting them face-to-face and proving to them that she had done well for herself without them. That had obsessed her for years, especially when she lived with Oliver Hillman. She had wanted to flaunt her wealth in front of them. Luckily, she hadn't done so, but it was tempting.

  She got up. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve, and the apartment building was busy with car doors slamming and people shouting. The people to the right of her were watching a comedy, had the television turned up high, and were laughing sporadically.

  She gave up trying to sleep. She glanced at the clock. Eleven o'clock. She couldn't sleep anyway, with her mind looping like the Jingle Bell record her neighbor to the left was playing. If she heard the song one more time she felt as if she would explode.

  She wondered what Jayce was doing. She picked up the phone, itching to call him and then pulled on her black leggings and a racer-back blouse and started pacing. Exercise would help her to go to bed. It wasn't working, though, and after pacing for a short while she was feeling more awake than ever.

  She succumbed to calling Jayce. The phone rang twice and he answered sleepily.

  "I can't sleep. What are you doing?"

  Jayce laughed. "I had my eyes closed and my head on my pillow and..."

  "You were sleeping." Abby sighed. "I am so selfish to wake you up."

  "I don't mind," Jayce said. "Why can't you sleep?"

  "It's noisy over here," Abby said, "and I was thinking. I can't turn my brain off."

  "Want to come over?" Jayce asked. "I have three empty rooms."

  Abigail paused. "I'll take you up on that. Thanks."

  "See you in a while," Jayce said. "Pack for dinner tomorrow and the day after. My friends are trying to outdo each other this year in the entertainment stakes. As the only single member of a coupled-up group, I have loads of invites."

  *****

  Jayce pulled up at Alice's door twelve minutes later. He hadn't stopped smiling since she called. It gave him a warm melting feeling inside to know that she was lonely and she thought of him. She was serious about him and she didn't know it yet. It was only a matter of time.

  He felt a rush of love explode in his chest when she opened her door, the dim light on the outside of her apartment highlighting her toned arms. She had a bag in her hand that looked fairly packed. She was going to spend the Christmas with him. This would be the best Christmas holiday he would celebrate in recent memory.

  He finally had an honest-to-goodness girlfriend. Someone he genuinely loved. It made the engagement ring that he had purchased yesterday not seem like a stupid impulse purchase. She gave him hope that he wasn't acting foolishly because even though she said that she didn't like the holidays, she was spending them with him.

  When she got in the car she looked at him apologetically. "Sorry to take you out of bed. I just can't take this apartment anymore. I need to find another place to live."

  Jayce grinned. "And beyond all of that, you like spending time with me."

  "And I like spending time with you," Abby said dutifully.

  "Say it like you mean it," Jayce said huskily.

  "I mean it," Abby said seriously. She looked at him longingly and then looked away.

  Jayce clenched his hand on the steering wheel and then turned on the radio. All of a sudden the sexual tension in the car had heightened, screaming to almost unbearable levels. It didn't help that the son
gs playing were some of Beres Hammond's classics.

  When No Disturb Sign came on, Abby shook her head and Jayce cleared his throat. They listened to the music in silence as they headed to his place.

  When they reached the house, Jayce murmured, "You can choose any room to sleep in. Mi casa es su casa."

  Abby nodded. "Thanks. After that song, I think I'll take the room that's farthest from yours."

  Jayce didn't even crack a smile. "That would be a good idea."

  Abby headed up the stairs and looked back at Jayce, who was looking at her contemplatively.

  "I think we should get married," he said solemnly. He hadn't moved from the door. "I mean, I love you; you must know that. I am not getting any younger, and we have done the requisite cat and mouse dating game thing."

  Abigail stopped walking and sat down on the top step of the stairs, stunned.

  Jayce slowly walked up to her and sat a step below her. "How do you feel about me…us?"

  "What?" Abigail's throat welled up. "Jayce, I love you but I am not who you think I am."

  Jayce's heart gave a joyous leap but he shook his head earnestly. "Yes, I know, you have secrets. You were married to an older guy, you divorced, you were burned by this divorce, and you are afraid to get married again. These things happen; it's not that big a deal, Abby."

  He moved one step up and sat beside her. "I can deal with that."

  Abigail swallowed. "Jayce, I can't marry you without getting you involved in my mess. My nemesis is still alive." She sighed and put her forehead on his. "I am unavailable until then."

  Jayce cupped her chin. "Make me understand, Abby. Just tell me whatever it is and we will fight it together."

  "No," Abby whispered. "It's a bit more complicated than that and I refuse to get you involved."

  "If you would just listen to me," Jayce said softly. "I want to help. Give me a chance to help you through whatever this is. If it's security, we can arrange it, Abby. What has you so scared?"