Real Boys

by William Pollack

  DEDICATION TO JUSTICE AS A FORM OF CARING

  Another way boys show love that often falls outside stereotypical expectations is through their strong sense of fairness and justice. Boys will often sacrifice their own personal interests in an effort to be fair to others, especially those they care most about. This characteristic often surprises me when I encounter it. “Yeah, I really wanted to go to the game,” a boy will tell me. “But my mother needed me to look after my sister. It was fair, because she left in the middle of a dinner party last weekend to care for me when I got that terrible flu.”

  When boys analyze their own behavior in light of what is fair and just for all involved, they are showing how important their relationships are to them—and that they are willing to put aside their personal interests, to sacrifice in order to maintain an emotional connection with someone they love, respect, or wish to protect, or to defend a principle that affects the quality of people’s lives.

  Take, for instance, Eric, a boy who sought me out when he was facing what he saw as a moral dilemma. Eric was trying to decide whether to cut school to attend a demonstration in Washington, D.C., against the proposed American military involvement in Iraq. A loving son and an excellent student, he cared deeply about issues of politics and ethics. His parents had brought him up to do what was “right” as well as to “do good”; and although they didn’t disagree with him on the issue itself, they did not want him to miss school and attend the demonstration. He would be holding a placard and handing out flyers.

  “Why do they need you to do that work?” his mother asked. “Anyone could do it.”

  “It could be dangerous,” added his father. “You could be tear-gassed. There might be a riot.”

  Eric was tormented by his decision. On the one hand, he felt very strongly about the prospect of innocent women and children being killed if the United States were to attack Iraq. At the same time, he did not wish to go against his parents’ wishes. He loved them and understood their point of view.

  He discussed his decision with his two sisters. They, too, were disturbed by the situation and felt tremendous empathy with the Iraqi people who would be the innocent victims.

  But Eric didn’t feel the urge to cry or talk about the problem. He felt, instead, a deep urge to right the wrong that he believed was being perpetrated. He wanted to show his empathy through action.

  “I hope you can help me sort these things out,” Eric said to me. “I really feel like I’ve got to stick to what’s right. As my dad used to say, ‘Actions speak louder than words.’ ”

  The sense of justice, of moral responsibility, with which he had been imbued since childhood had welled up inside him, and he felt forced to take action in this Iraq protest. The potential damage to his honors record as a result of skipping school and the struggle with his loving family would have to take second place to his sense of justice and of what he felt was right.

  Like Eric, many boys express their sense of fairness by trying to solve problems, by making decisions, and especially by taking swift, decisive action. Girls sometimes express their sense of fairness quite differently—for instance, by speaking about their feelings with adults or by talking among themselves about their sense of outrage. Adults sometimes expect the same kinds of behavior from boys and thus misinterpret boys’ justice-seeking actions as mere bravado. When we observe boys closely, we discover that many of them feel strongly about making a difference in the lives of the people for whom they care deeply and about “doing what’s right” for them. They do this, in most cases, by planning and implementing hands-on, proactive measures—their own way of showing love through action.

  REAL BOYS SHOW A LOVING RESPECT FOR GIRLS

  When given proper support, boys develop a loving respect for others in general, as well as a platonic affection for the opposite gender in particular. In coeducational peer settings in which they feel pressured to compete against one another for the attention of girls, boys may sometimes behave, on the surface at least, as though they do not respect girls. In these settings, for instance, boys may tease girls, taunt them, or brag to other boys about their interactions with girls or women. But when they are placed in an environment where they believe they won’t be harassed for showing respect to girls—or in a gender-sensitive all-boys environment such as a boys’ school or the Boy Scouts where they are temporarily freed from the pressure to compete over girls—many boys can come to understand and empathize with what makes girls and women feel vulnerable and unsafe. If properly encouraged, boys show a natural inclination to honor these feelings in girls and women with compassion and respect.

  In my interview with Guy, a sixteen-year-old honors student from an all-boys school, he explained to me that Ellen, the girl he had met at a dance through his younger sister, was first and foremost a “good friend.” There had been some romantic stirrings on both sides, but Ellen, he specified, “was very nervous about touching, and I could tell she wanted her space—so we’d just talk.” But the talking was more than he had ever imagined. “Ellen has a way of listening, of caring about what I say, that I never thought I’d find. She makes me feel so good about myself—like I really matter. And it makes me want to share with her, too. It’s a new thing for me, and it’s great.”

  “Have you told the other guys about Ellen?” I asked Guy.

  “Some of the other guys understand. They have girls they’re close to but it’s not romantic, not girlfriends. Some guys tease me—they push me to tell them if we’re making out, having sex. I let them know it’s none of their business. Ellen’s a great girl and I’m lucky to know her; and for now that’s just fine with me.”

  Many boys are less solid than Guy, and often try to fool themselves and others into thinking that girls are just objects to be taken advantage of. Do they really believe it? In many cases, the answer is no. The pressure to be “cool,” “tough,” and “together” pushes many adolescent boys and young men to hide their deepest connected feelings, mask the empathy that comes naturally to them, and instead assume the roles of unthinking sexual predators. If we removed that pressure from boys’ lives, I believe they would feel safer to express their inherent respect for girls and women and their yearning to relate closely and meaningfully with them.

  EACH BOY’S VOICE IS UNIQUE

  There is not one single healthy path to mature masculinity. Boys’ selfesteem—which is, of course, as essential to their emotional growth and academic achievement as it is to girls—is dependent not upon macho displays of competitive aggression but on having their “real” voices heard and genuine selves responded to with deep understanding.

  If we offer “comfort zones” free of shame and humiliation—if we let them know that all of their attributes and yearnings are not only acceptable but cherished—we discover sides of our boys that we never knew existed. The boy we always thought was “shy” delivers a Shakespeare soliloquy with exuberance and conviction. The boy who never before had felt close to his father reaches out to him and makes a new, strong connection. The boy everyone had branded as a troublemaker breaks down in tears and speaks for the first time of his abusive alcoholic mother and how lonely and afraid he feels. When we really give boys the chance to share everything they’re thinking about and hoping for, when we work to understand the diverse ways they use to show their yearnings for closeness and connection—whether they use more traditional “feminine” approaches or some of the special ways of loving others discussed in this chapter—and when we give them our full nonjudgmental support to pursue exactly what they want for themselves, their masks finally come off and we begin to discover the virtues of our “real boys.” It’s then, too, that we realize that so much of what boys do for and with us is more than just random boyish activity. It’s the way that so many of them relate—the way that they love.

  REAL BOYS LIKE KEVIN—ONE FINAL STORY OF HOW BOYS

  EXPRESS ACTION LOVE

  Kevin Loranger, a lanky, blond-haired twelve-year-old boy, was playing with hi
s two best buddies, John Jr. and Charlie, along a sandy California beach that was deserted that morning. The surf was dangerously high, way too high for swimming, as the lifeguard’s red warning flag indicated at the rescue station just one mile up the road. Charlie, a freckle-faced redhead and the most daring of the group, challenged the “three amigos,” as they were called by their parents, to strip off their clothes and jump in for a swim. Before Kevin could object, Charlie had plunged into the surf. John Jr., hesitant and uneasy, and Kevin, weighing the risks involved, suddenly heard cries of Charlie’s distress. Kevin could see waves crashing on the shore and Charlie, his arms flailing, bobbing up and down.

  “Help! Help!” Charlie shouted, his voice shrill.

  Kevin yelled over to John to run for help, and without any apparent thought for his own safety, yanked off his shoes and ran to the water, diving into the surf toward his friend in trouble.

  With massive effort, several times almost succumbing to the choppy waves himself, Kevin managed to drag Charlie out of the surf and pull him onto the beach. He looked at Charlie and found he was barely breathing. Images of their past moments together flashed through Kevin’s mind: the time they wandered off on a Boy Scout hike and spent a cold night in the Sierra Nevada; the cool, breezy Sunday afternoon their Little League team won the local championships; the time Charlie’s sister Amelia was dying from leukemia and he stood by as Charlie cried in the waiting room of Mount Zion Hospital. While these images came to him, he cleared Charlie’s mouth of water, and began to perform mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Happily, he was soon interrupted by the paramedics, who ran up to him along with John Jr.

  Kevin was interviewed later that day on the ten o’clock news. Bashfully Kevin answered the reporter’s question of how he’d had the courage to risk his own life to save his friend.

  “It wasn’t anything really,” he said. “Charlie’s my best buddy and when he needed help, I just did what I had to do. I’m sure he’d do the same for me. And the mouth-to-mouth, well that’s what Coach Larson had taught on the swim team, and I just followed his instructions exactly. I’m sure glad everybody’s OK.”

  While in some ways Kevin’s story celebrates some of the traditional virtues of boys that we often take for granted—their enormous energy, how they revel in physical contact, their ability to compete with admirable gusto—it also reflects many of the kinds of love we’ve been discussing. Kevin takes action to show his love for Charlie. He’s loyal to his friends and will do whatever it takes to protect them. Boys, this story tells us, will risk their lives for a buddy. Boys, it assures us, very much need friends, and will put their lives on the line to keep them.

  PART TWO

  CONNECTING

  TO BOYS

  Night and day arrive, and day after

  day goes by,

  and what is old remains old, and what

  is young remains young and grows

  old.

  The lumber pile does not grow

  younger, nor the two-by-fours lose

  their darkness;

  but the old tree goes on, the barn

  stands without help so many years;

  the advocate of darkness and night is

  not lost.

  The horse steps up, swings on one leg,

  turns his body;

  the chicken flapping claws up onto

  the roost, its wings whelping and

  walloping,

  But what is primitive is not to be shot

  out into the night and the dark,

  and slowly the kind of man comes

  closer, loses his rage, sits down at

  table.

  So I am proud only of those days that

  pass in undivided tenderness,

  when you sit drawing, or making

  books, stapled, with messages to

  the world,

  or coloring a man with fire coming

  out of his hair.

  Or we sit at a table, with small tea

  carefully poured.

  So we pass our time together, calm

  and delighted.

  —ROBERT BLY

  “For My Son Noah, Ten Years Old”

  — 5 —

  THE

  POWER OF MOTHERS

  “I don’t think I’d be much without her.”

  —Clint Westfield, age fifteen

  NEVER TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

  Mothers help make boys into men.

  Contrary to society’s traditional misgivings about a close relationship between mother and son, I find that, in reality, boys benefit tremendously from the love of their mothers, especially the kind of unshaming parenting we’ve been discussing as the way to bring out the best in boys.

  I believe that by empowering the mother you empower the son. And I believe empowered mothers are a key to resolving society’s confusion about masculinity and creating a new real-boy code.

  Far from making boys weaker, the love of a mother can and does actually make boys stronger, emotionally and psychologically. Far from making boys dependent, the base of safety a loving mother can create—a connection that her son can rely on all his life—provides a boy with the courage to explore the outside world. But most important, far from making a boy act in “girl-like” ways, a loving mother actually plays an integral role in helping a boy develop his masculinity—the self-esteem and strength of character he needs to feel confident in his own masculine self.

  THE DOUBLE STANDARD OF MASCULINITY

  In our contemporary world, the old Boy Code still holds our sons to a double standard of masculinity—on the one hand, boys are told they should act in tough, conventionally “guy”-like ways, and on the other, they are chastised when they don’t act “sensitive,” “caring,” or “empathic” enough. My research shows that amid these confusing double messages to boys it is often a boy’s empathic, active, undaunted mother who is in the best position to help him reconcile these conflicting messages about who he should become and how he should or shouldn’t behave. In other words, it is mothers—the first women who are deeply involved in the emotional lives of most boys—who are in fact the earliest teachers of today’s masculinity. It is they who first instruct boys about how to integrate both components of our split model of masculinity, and who therefore imbue boys with a sense of confidence about the wash of feelings, behavior, and experiences that add up to being an emotionally balanced and satisfied man.

  Then too, it’s generally the mother who is still mainly responsible for creating a home, that warm, loving environment to which a boy can retreat when his spirits run low or when the outside world seems overwhelming. As we’ll see in the next chapter, most fathers have a special ability to bond with their sons through high-energy activities that teach them how to stretch their capacity for handling the intensity of such experiences. Most mothers, by contrast, seem to connect with their sons just by being with them, by giving them their undivided attention, and by making themselves available as an unfailing source of love, comfort, and support.

  As discussed in Part I, I don’t think a boy’s separation from mother at a very early age and again at adolescence should ever be sanctioned. Instead, I believe that mothers should be encouraged to trust their own instincts over society’s misgivings—that the love of a mother, in most cases, is what will help a boy launch himself into a healthy masculine life.

  My research also shows that the absence of a close relationship with a loving mother puts a boy at a disadvantage in becoming a free, confident, and independent man, a man who likes himself and can take risks and who can form close and loving attachments with people in his adult life. In their early years as well as during adolescence, I think boys will benefit enormously from spending time in the loving environment created by his mother and her friends—the happy, nurturing world of women. So I’m in favor of more of mother, not less, especially at those times in a boy’s life when our culture typically pushes for the premature separation of boy from mother.


  CLINT: A STRONG BOY WHO STILL NEEDS MOM

  Clint Westfield, age fifteen, speaks passionately about how his mother gives him strength and courage to face the future:

  “When I start freaking out, it’s my mom who puts down everything and comes around to help me. She explains things to me—you know, comforts me—and then I feel strong again. Like sometimes I’m so upset I don’t want to go outside anymore—I just want to go hide in my room. My mom tells me that what I’m going through is normal. After we spend some time together—or sometimes we hang out with some of her friends in the neighborhood—I feel like I can go outside again to be with my friends.”

  “What makes you afraid in the first place?” I asked, surprised by the candor of this tall, well-built teenager who looked as if he was probably the biggest and strongest kid on his block.

  “My dad. I mean my dad’s the best. But he’s an agent with the FBI and lots of times he leaves really early in the morning to go on these dangerous missions. I get nervous, and so does my mom, because he puts on his body armor and wears a gun on his belt. He tells us these wild stories at night. Friends of his have been wounded. I love his stories—but they get us worried because his life is just about always on the line. Sometimes Dad just goes to work in an office and I don’t have anything to worry about. But on the days when he wears his body armor, I know something bad might happen. When I go into his bedroom and the armor is missing from his closet, I know something’s up.”