Real Boys

by William Pollack

  Another misconception that has been largely removed is that somehow the way a boy’s mother and father behave and relate to their son can cause the boy to become homosexual. Indeed traditional psychoanalytic theory linked homosexuality in men largely to how a boy’s mother and father interacted with him as a young child. Psychoanalysts probed the early-childhood experiences of their gay patients to uncover whether the boy, for example, had a domineering mother who suffocated his masculinity or a weak or hostile father who thwarted the boy’s attempt to separate from this overpowering mother. Based on the views of these psychoanalysts, many mental health professionals, and thus the general public, assumed that a mother, if she played with her son too much, involved him in “feminine” behavior, or simply loved or depended on him too much, could somehow make him gay. While perhaps some psychoanalysts or other therapists still rely on these kinds of factors to explain homosexuality, the new predominant view is that these early child-parent interactions have little effect on whether a boy is gay or straight. Though they may very well affect how secure and self-confident a boy comes to feel about himself and his sexuality and how successful and satisfied he will be in his adult romantic relationships, there is simply no evidence that these childhood experiences can somehow make a genuinely gay boy become straight or a straight boy become gay.

  As scientists explore the origins of human sexuality, it is becoming more and more clear that people are probably born with a predominant orientation toward either the opposite sex or the same sex. While environmental factors like parenting and education may influence how quickly and successfully a person accepts and acts upon this inborn sexuality, he or she does not seem to be able to change or erase it. Thus although outside influences, such as a passive father, dominating mother, or a mean older brother, may lead a boy who is born gay, for example, to manifest his homosexuality sooner or more intensely than most other gay people normally would—or instead to try to ignore and suppress his sexuality altogether—none of these influences, in reality, actually make the boy become either more homosexual or more heterosexual.

  We now have evidence that sexual orientation is often (although perhaps not absolutely) hereditary. For instance, research has been done on twins to see whether if one twin is homosexual, the other one will be too. In one study, Professor Kallman investigated eighty-five gay men, each of whom had either an identical, or monozygotic, twin (a twin who comes from the same egg and is genetically identical with the other twin) or a fraternal, or dizygotic, twin (a twin who comes from a separate egg and has only some genetic similarities to the other twin). Kallman found that in identical twins, if one twin was gay, so too was the other. The concordance was 100 percent. By contrast, in fraternal twins, if one twin was homosexual, only 11.5 percent of the other twins were also gay. In subsequent twin studies, high (although not perfect) concordance rates for homosexuality in identical twins was shown again and again.

  In a second kind of study, researchers observed a pair of identical twins who were separated at birth and raised apart, without seeing each other, in two entirely different families. In one early such study, both of these twins, even though they were raised separately, were found to be homosexual. This was a critically important finding because it helped put to rest the possibility that environmental factors were primarily at work among the twins investigated in the earlier studies who lived together. Notably, two additional sets of identical twins who were reared separately were recently studied and a significant concordance for homosexuality was shown again—in one pair, both twins were exclusively homosexual, and in the other pair, one was exclusively homosexual and the other married a woman but had adult homosexual experiences. While it must be emphasized that these twin studies do not prove that homosexuality is 100 percent inborn, they do provide ample evidence that sexual orientation is heavily influenced by heredity.

  Some scientists believe that a hereditary or biological basis for homosexuality can also be established by looking at the typical play styles of children who, when they become adults, identify as homosexuals. By linking these play styles to what we now know from animal and human studies about testosterone and other hormones, some researchers are gathering impressive evidence suggesting that the presence or absence of these hormones at critical times before or following birth or during early childhood may play a powerful role in determining (or explaining) not only how children play with one another but also the child’s sexual orientation. While this research is complex and difficult to summarize accurately, what it basically shows is that in their early years many boys who grow up to be homosexual tend to avoid the rough-and-tumble play we now know to be induced, in part at least, by the interplay of testosterone and other male hormones in young boys. This difference between how some “prehomosexual” and “pre-heterosexual” boys play appears to exist in boys from different countries and cultures. (Although, as I will explain later, having a different play style does not necessarily mean that a boy will become homosexual.) Likewise, a large percentage of female homosexuals report that, as girls, they engaged in more rough-and-tumble play than the other girls. By coupling these findings with what we are learning about the production of hormones in the brain and about how the presence of these hormones influences sexual development in general, scientists are beginning to show that hormones and other similar biological factors probably play a significant role in shaping sexual orientation too.

  Finally, scientists are beginning to examine whether the brains of gay people are somehow wired differently from those of heterosexual people. In one recent study that garnered significant public attention, Professor Simon LeVay showed that the volume of certain nuclei taken from the hypothalamus (the part of the brain that helps control hormone production, sexuality, and the emotions) was larger in heterosexual men than in either homosexual men or heterosexual women. It is widely thought that LeVay’s study, standing alone, does not provide definitive evidence that there are major structural or functional differences between the brains of homosexual and heterosexual men and women. But his study is important in that it strongly suggests that these kinds of differences may exist, and has thus helped open the door for further research on how biology influences development of the brain and on how this, in turn, may affect our sexual orientation and behavior.

  When we look at the research available to us today, what seems to be clear is that biology plays a significant role in shaping the sexuality of human beings. The research we have on identical twins, on the powerful early influence of hormones and on possible brain-based differences all suggest that our sexual orientation—while it may not be as genetically inevitable as, say, the color of one’s eyes—is determined substantially by biological processes. There may even be evidence, as a matter of evolutionary biology, that homosexuality came about as an important and positive adaptive trait for human beings. Evolutionary biologist E. O. Wilson, for instance, believes that homosexuality may be a “normal” trait that, in his phrase, “evolved as an important element of early human social organization. Homosexuals may be the genetic carriers of some of mankind’s rare altruistic impulses.” Whether or not we agree with Professor Wilson’s argument that gay people have evolved biologically to be more “altruistic” than nongay people, what does seem irrefutable is that homosexuality has been part of human life since the beginning of mankind, that gay boys exist in all countries and cultures, and that gay people, if raised in homes full of love and caring, can become adults who lead healthy, normal, fulfilling lives and make as important contributions to society as heterosexual people.

  IF MY SON SEEMS GAY, WHAT SHOULD I Do?

  “I’m very concerned,” one parent recently told a colleague of mine. “My six-year-old Timmy still prefers playing with girls. He hates to get his hands dirty and refuses to play with the other boys in the neighborhood.”

  “Maybe right now Timmy is happier playing with the other girls. There is nothing wrong with this. There are always some boys who are less interested in pla
ying rough, just as there are some girls who easily get bored with quiet game playing and want to join up with the boys,” my colleague explained.

  “Yes,” Timmy’s mother began, now blushing, “but I worry that maybe Timmy is going to end up homosexual, you know, gay or something.”

  Given society’s lingering fears and doubts about homosexuality, given its abundant antigay anxieties or homophobia, it is not surprising that many parents become upset or worried when they think their boy may be homosexual. Parents want to do everything they can to assure the happiness of their children and many of them feel concerned that being homosexual will lead their boy to suffer as an adult more than he would if he were heterosexual. As a clinician who works primarily with adolescents and adults, I have frequently been approached by one or both parents of an adolescent boy who they suspect might be gay. Some parents notice their boy is interested in what society tells us are more “feminine” activities, such as reading fashion magazines, cooking, or singing. Others are surprised when they see their son showing affection to another boy or gazing at other boys in a way that might reflect a romantic attraction. And in some cases, parents of older teenage boys have discovered that their sons have secretly purchased gay pornography or actually caught their boy engaged in sexual play with other male friends. Colleagues of mine who work primarily with younger boys are usually approached by parents—and these parents develop questions about homosexuality—when their boys spend more time with girls, consistently avoid participating in rough-and-tumble games, seem overly attached to mother, or manifest the kind of gentleness, quietness, sweetness, or similar qualities generally thought to be more typical of girls.

  When parents approach me or my colleagues with these kinds of concerns, we have learned that the most effective way to help is through two critical steps.

  First, what almost all parents seem to appreciate and benefit from enormously is learning everything there is to know about gender and homosexuality. As I will explain in greater detail, people often make assumptions about sexual orientation when in many instances what is truly at issue is gender roles and society’s attitudes toward those roles. In many cases the so-called effeminate behavior of a boy has little or nothing to do with homosexuality and far more to do with the boy’s interest in staying connected and relating to his mother, in winning the love and attention of his father, or in just being the kind of boy that he happens to be.

  Second, once parents separate and distinguish issues relating to gender from issues relating to sexual orientation, I then suggest they address what they themselves are experiencing emotionally and how their feelings are affecting the way they are treating their son. Too often, therapists focus all of their attention on the boy, and forget to listen to what his parents are going through as well. If it turns out that their son is in fact gay, I often encourage parents to try to meet with other parents of a gay child. If they do not know any such parents or do not feel comfortable approaching them—which is often the case—many find they gain great benefit from going to a local meeting of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, or P-FLAG, a national organization that provides guidance and support to the friends and families of gay people.

  My starting place with parents is usually to share the research we now have about homosexuality and to help them see that they are not the cause of their son’s sexual orientation whether he is gay or straight. I review the findings that point to the role of biology in determining sexual orientation and emphasize that in young and adolescent boys, acting effeminate or tending toward “girl-like” play activities are hardly absolute predictors of homosexuality. Though it is true that a fair number of gay men report that, as young people, they preferred more quiet play activities over the typical rough play of most boys, other gay men do not recall this tendency. To make things even more complex, there are plenty of heterosexual men who also remember preferring gentle games over more rigorous “masculine” boy play. Likewise, just as some of the adolescent boys who exhibit “feminine” behavior are homosexual, many of them, it ends up, are not. And while some adolescent boys who date and have sexual intimacy with girls later realize they are homosexual, some adolescent boys who engage in homosexual behavior discover they are heterosexual when they become adults.

  When we try to link boys’ early behaviors with their adult sexual orientation, we are often trying to see a cause-and-effect phenomenon when all of science is telling us that there is none. Boys who love sports, enjoy play fighting, and act tough or macho may, as adults, find they are exclusively and happily homosexual. Boys who prefer the nurturing realm of their mothers, who don’t like rough play, who relish the same activities as most girls do, may, as adults, be exclusively and happily heterosexual. When we encourage our “effeminate” sons to toughen up and “act more like a man,” we are probably doing little that will either increase or decrease a boy’s chances of being homosexual. If anything, we are simply engaging in classic gender straitjacketing and thus making our sons feel shame about who they are and what they most enjoy doing.

  For instance, almost twelve years ago I was approached for help by thirty-five-year-old Jackie Jefferson, the mother of Kenny, a fifteen-year-old boy whose peers were constantly teasing him about the kinds of fancy silk shirts he liked wearing and calling him a “sissy” and “faggot.” Jackie asked if I would meet with her and Kenny and try to help him with his “sexuality issues.” In our first meetings together, we worked exclusively on how hard it was for Kenny to deal with the harassment at school, and how difficult it was for Jackie to see her son mistreated in this way. Kenny spoke a lot about how tired he was of being called names, and Jackie expressed how powerless she felt, how she didn’t know what she could do to support her son. The sessions seemed to be helpful to both mother and son.

  After several weeks of meeting together and sharing their struggles with me, Kenny and his mom both announced that things were going better and opted to terminate the therapy. In the end, we never discussed issues relating to sexual orientation because the heart of what both Kenny and his mother were actually coping with, it turned out, was gender straitjacketing—the Boy Code and the shame that gets thrust on boys who do not abide by it. In our sessions Kenny never raised any thoughts or feelings about loving other boys or feeling attracted to them. He spoke only about being teased for some of his personality traits and personal interests.

  Kenny, it now turns out, is heterosexual. Just recently, I happened to meet his mother at a local store. She shared not only pictures of a handsome, happy-looking twenty-seven-year-old young man but also shots of Kenny with his wife, Amy, and their newborn daughter, Crystal.

  Kenny’s story shows how one parent who feared her son was dealing with issues related to sexual orientation was actually coping with society’s ideas about gender. Of course, the opposite happens too. Because we as a society tend to equate being “effeminate” with being “gay,” some parents fail to notice when a boy who may appear to be classically “masculine” is actually struggling with his sexual identity.

  For instance, I was recently approached by Dennis and Sharon Cotton who wanted me to meet with their son, Owen, who, they confessed, “seems like he might be depressed.” Seventeen-year-old Owen “looks very thin to us,” they told me, “and he spends too much time every day just sulking in his room.” When I began my sessions with Owen, the source of his depression was mysterious. He was a tall, well-built young man and looked more like a college football player than like the emaciated teenager his parents led me to believe would walk through my door.

  “Your parents sent you here because they’re afraid that you are losing weight, maybe not doing so well emotionally.”

  “Yeah,” Owen began, “I stopped going to lacrosse practice and I just haven’t been that hungry lately.”

  “Why did you stop going to lacrosse—did something go wrong in one of the games? Are you having problems getting along with some of your teammates or with the coach?”

  “No, n
ot really. I was actually voted most valuable player for the last two years and I get along great with everybody. I just don’t feel like going anymore.”

  While it took weeks before Owen felt comfortable enough to open up, it turns out that what was getting him down was not a problem doing well at lacrosse, “fitting in” with his peers, or getting teased for being effeminate the way Kenny once was. Owen was depressed—and anorexic, I soon realized—because he was struggling all alone with how much longing he felt for some of his teammates, longing that was not just for friendship, but for something much more intimate, for something romantic, something sexual. He felt it when he was in the locker room with the other boys, when they won a match and joined in a teamwide hug, when they went drinking together and some of the other boys “started acting affectionate.” Owen, after weeks of talking to me, discovered that winning the love and affection of other young men was what he really needed to be happy. Owen, it turned out, was gay.

  SHADES OF GRAY: BISEXUALITY, SEXUAL EXPERIMENTATION, AND BOYS’ CONFUSION

  When a boy first confronts the issue of whether he is homosexual, often the answer may not come easily to him. Though part of his uncertainty may come from his fears and anxieties about what it would be like to lead life as a gay person, it may also arise from his confusion about whether he is homosexual at all. It might be intellectually convenient for us to assume that any given human being is either 100 percent homosexual or 100 percent heterosexual, that it’s all just a matter of deciding which category one falls into. But there is every reason to believe that homosexuality and heterosexuality are not absolutes, that substantial gray areas exist. Not everybody is 100 percent homosexual or 100 percent heterosexual. In addition to people who are “bisexual”—who feel a strong romantic pull toward people of both sexes—there are many gay people who sometimes have heterosexual feelings or experiences, and many straight people who sometimes have homosexual feelings or experiences.