Real Boys

by William Pollack

  Use teaching methods that work well for boys. As we’ve seen in this chapter, many boys may have different learning styles than girls do. Schools need to make sure that they’re aware of this and doing something about it.

  For young boys, this may mean providing lots of opportunities for hands-on learning and problem-solving and a lot of interactive teaching. So, for instance, rather than asking eight-year-olds to do math problems from a book, a teacher might instead set up a “game show” where the boys solve math problems as “contestants” on the show. Rather than reading a fable to little boys, a teacher might convey the same literature through a puppet show in which the boys have the chance to talk to and interact with the puppets during and after the show. In a class teaching poetry, instead of asking each child to read several classic poems and then write his or her own poem, the teacher might have a guest speaker come in to read his or her own poems, and then ask that guest speaker to coach the students through writing a group poem (on a boy-friendly topic) that would come to life on the classroom blackboard.

  Older boys too need lots of creative opportunities as students. In an English class on Shakespeare, rather than simply assigning Romeo and Juliet, teachers may have much greater success asking students to act out the parts in class. In a class on economics, rather than asking students to sit quietly and write out answers to questions in a textbook, the teacher might instead assign the students to groups, give them a short period to discuss their answers, and then hold a classroom “debate” in which a designated representative from each group participates in the deliberations. For a boy who becomes restless when he’s asked to sit in his chair and read history, a teacher might give him the chance to use a multimedia CD-ROM to learn the same required information. Even with very limited resources, a school can be creative about using teaching methods that keep boys interested and involved.

  Respect the learning pace of every boy. There is probably nothing so humiliating as being asked to learn material before one is ready or able. As we’ve seen, boys often lag behind girls at school, particularly in the areas of reading and writing. I believe it is absolutely critical for schools to be sensitive to each boy’s individual pace as a learner. For example, there’s little use asking a boy to start writing short stories if he cannot yet complete a sentence. Likewise, there’s no use asking an older boy to begin reading Homer if he cannot make his way through the simplest of texts. As a practical matter, this means that schools not only need to regularly determine where each boy is testing in every important subject area, but also to structure classes, give assignments, and test students using materials that are appropriate to their then-current level of understanding. Put simply, if some boys need more time to learn, schools need to be patient and give them that time. Otherwise, as we’ve discovered, they simply don’t learn very well and their self-esteem as students falls dramatically.

  Experiment with same-sex classes. As illustrated earlier in this chapter, some schools have discovered that especially for boys who are slower learners or who do not do well within traditional coeducational classrooms, it may be helpful to place them in all-boys classes, at least in the subject areas where they are doing poorly. By setting up boys-only classes, schools enable teachers to focus in a positive way on the needs of the students and develop classroom materials, teaching methods, and a pace of teaching that correspond to those specific needs. Also, by removing boys from classes attended by their female counterparts, much of the pressure boys often feel to act in certain self-protective ways becomes significantly diminished and many boys come to feel freer, more confident, and better able to succeed as students. I believe this to be true despite the report recently made by the American Association of University Women entitled Segregated by Sex: A Critical Look at Single-Sex Education for Girls, which denied finding much improvement for girls placed in single-sex environments (after the same association, in 1992, had advocated separating girls to enhance their classroom experiences). Many educators persistently cite success with same-gender programs for both girls and boys. So I strongly suggest that schools, both public and private, continue to experiment with setting up properly supervised all-boys programs.

  Hire more male teachers. It’s critical that school systems make serious efforts to find more male teachers, especially at elementary schools where boys are first forming notions about gender-appropriate behavior. Although I have shown how important mothers and other women may be in helping boys to achieve healthy masculinity, if all, or almost all, of their role models at elementary school are women, how can we expect these little boys to see learning—and the celebration of learning—as things that men do? Imagine how many parents would be up in arms if all their girls’ high school teachers were men! Why then, I wonder, do we tolerate elementary schools for our boys taught predominantly or exclusively by women? Likewise, throughout school systems, I believe it’s important that men and women be hired to teach in less gender-stereotypic areas so that, for instance, not all of the science and math classes are taught by men and all of the literature and arts classes are taught by women. This will go a long way in helping boys feel more comfortable and confident about succeeding in areas—whether it’s learning how to write haiku or figuring out how to sew a hem—where normally they would fear ridicule or failure.

  Set up mentoring programs. Boys benefit enormously from having mentors who are sympathetic to them as learners and who can serve as models for what it’s possible to achieve. Because of all the ways in which our schools continue to be weak in recognizing boys’ unique emotional and scholastic needs, I believe that mentoring programs are of special importance to boys. I’ve spoken just above about the significance of having more male teachers in our schools. But let me emphasize that a boy’s mentor can of course be male or female, an adult (such as a teacher, guidance counselor, or school administrator), or even an older student. What’s most important is that the mentor be interested in the boy’s growth and development and, ideally, that he or she have personal interests that are relatively compatible with those of the boy (so that, for instance, a boy who loves football is not paired with a teacher who abhors all sports).

  The mentor, in my opinion, can do several things for the boy. First, he or she can simply check in with the boy on a regular basis—at least once per week—to see how things are going for him emotionally and academically. To help the mentor, the school might prepare a list of questions the mentor should consistently ask, such as: How is your English class going? What homework are you getting? Can you show me how you did on it? What’s going on with the other students in the class? Are they good people? Who do you spend time with? What’s the teacher like? Do you enjoy being in the class with that teacher? In effect, the questions should be designed to elicit not only how the boy is doing scholastically, but also how things are going for him emotionally.

  Second, the mentor should offer to help him, to the extent possible, in those classes and subject matters where the boy is doing less well. Helping him may mean tackling areas where the boy actually needs to be coached. But it may also mean finding out who his teacher is, contacting that teacher, and making sure that he or she is aware of the boy’s needs and working with him or her to address them creatively.

  Finally, the mentor should simply become a devoted buddy to the boy. By knowing he’s got an older friend who cares about his social and academic progress, the boy will feel greater confidence in all his interactions and activities at school. Especially for boys who at home may not be getting the kind of intimate caring attention they ideally should be—for instance, boys with two parents who work long hours or with a single overworked parent—having a mentor who is empathic to them and “watching out” for their ongoing emotional and academic needs is of immense value and can make a hugely positive impact on these boys’ achievements at school.

  Provide safe “guy spaces.” Finally, just as schools have attempted to create a comfortable environment in which girls can have their own voice as lear
ners and feel free to express their thoughts and opinions in an open genuine way, schools must take appropriate steps to ensure that boys can do the same and feel they have a safe haven at school where they can express vulnerable emotions. Creating such safe “guy spaces” helps undo some of the shame-based hardening, loosening the straitjackets of gender and allowing boys to connect again—not only with the excitement of their minds but with the genuine depth of their hearts and souls.

  This involves several steps. First, for boys of all ages, schools need to set up the school schedule with times and places at school where boys feel free to be themselves, free of normal classroom constrictions. For younger boys, for instance, this may mean making sure that there are enough breaks each day during which boys can enjoy uninhibited play and engage in the gross motor activities that may come naturally to them. Some schools have successfully experimented with shifting the time in which boys go to gym class so that it’s not always at the end of the day. For older boys, providing “guy spaces” may mean setting up indoor and outdoor study halls—ideally supervised by adult mentors of the kind I described above—where boys can talk, romp, dish, and rumble to their hearts’ desire. Some schools have found that setting up the indoor space as a “quiet space” and the outdoor space as a freer space allows boys, depending on their individual propensities, to choose the kind of space that most suits them. These study halls can happen once or several times a day, depending on the resources of the school and how effective the particular school finds them. What is most important is giving boys the chance to enjoy the kinds of less restricted action-oriented behavior that, as we’ve seen throughout this book, helps many of them to flourish emotionally and intellectually.

  In addition, I believe schools should make absolutely sure that boys always feel they have a place to go at school where they can—and where they will—discuss their inner emotional lives with girls and other boys and with teachers and other adults. These “safe spaces” can be single-gender or coed, supervised closely by an adult, or set up as “kids only” centers along the lines of the peer support groups we discussed in the chapter on adolescence. It simply is not enough for schools to assume that boys will get their emotional needs taken care of at home. In my opinion, it’s not fair to boys or their parents for two basic reasons. First, many parents are already doing the best they can, given their other obligations, and simply cannot “do it all” without the help of their sons’ schools. Second, some parents are not available to their boys for any emotional support. They may be either physically or emotionally absent, or both.

  So schools have an obligation, I think, to pick up the emotional ball and run with it. It doesn’t take a lot of extra funding or personnel to set up effective peer support groups, “social centers,” discussions groups, and so on. I believe that every school should ask itself: “If a student in our school is unhappy about something in his or her life, school-related or otherwise, would that student have a place he or she would want to go to talk about that unhappiness?” If the answer to that question is “No,” the school prob-ably has not yet met its responsibilities.

  So as our boys traverse the blackboard jumble, I firmly believe that schools need to address their ongoing emotional needs in an honest, consistent, dedicated way. Only then will a boy and his parents be able to trust that the many hours of time he will end up spending at school will most likely be enriching and enjoyable, hours well spent that will lead him to grow up into a happy, intellectually curious, emotionally fulfilled, and successful young man.

  — 11 —

  SPORTS: PLAY

  AND TRANSFORMATION

  “There’s this real warm feeling you get. I don’t know how to

  explain it. Like we’re all in something together, and it’s even

  OK to lose.”—Martin, age thirteen

  THE PARADOX OF SPORTS: THE DOING AND UNDOING

  OF THE BOY CODE

  One of the oldest forms of recreation known to humankind, sports are the one arena in which many of society’s traditional strictures about masculinity are often loosened, allowing boys to experience parts of themselves they rarely experience elsewhere. At their best, sports provide boys with an opportunity for play in a free atmosphere so that they can be themselves and express a full range of emotions—from the exhilaration of a last-minute goal to the acute disappointment of being defeated by the opposing team, from the joy of being the one to pull off an unexpected play to the embarrassment of fumbling the ball in the last quarter of the game.

  Sports provide boys with a theater for the unfettered expression of their feelings, a place where it’s OK to be spirited, emotive, passionate. As twelve-year-old Max told me, “During school we have to be quiet and raise our hands to talk. It’s boring and sometimes I feel like there’s nobody to talk to. I love doing sports after school because we can all be together. We get to run fast, shout things out, scream, whatever. It lets me be me.”

  For many boys, sports are a form of intimacy and a way to be honest. By temporarily freeing boys from the Boy Code—especially from the rules that say boys shouldn’t express feelings, show affection, or expose their yearning for connection—sports can become one of the most important activities through which our sons, as their genuine selves, can relate closely with girls and other boys.

  But just as much as they can offer a break from the Boy Code, a chance for openness, expression, and intimacy, sports can also push boys back to loneliness, shame, and vicious competition. “It’s rough out there,” one high school football player recently told me. “Some guys play hard just the way they should. But other guys just seem like they’re out to get you—you know, they just try to demolish you.” Thus sports can also be a place where boys show unbridled aggression, let out inappropriate feelings of anger and frustration, and actually hurt other boys.

  And then sports can thrust boys into a cult of competition, the goal of winning at any cost, a quest for narcissistic glory at the expense of others. They cause some boys—especially those who are not interested in sports or who are not skilled at playing them—to feel left out, unworthy, ashamed.

  I firmly believe that the positive benefits to boys dim when sports cease to be play. D. W. Winnicott, the distinguished English psychoanalyst, observed that for children, play is at the heart of healthy, integrated development. His words are especially pertinent to boys whose inner selves are too often suppressed: “[P]laying shows that . . . [the] child is capable . . . of developing a personal way of life . . . eventually becoming a whole being . . . welcomed by the world at large.”

  Sheer competition among boys rarely builds character and does little to bring boys closer to one another. But sports, when they are play, can be a tremendously good thing for boys. The late commissioner of baseball and Renaissance scholar A. Bartlett Giamatti spoke of sports as: “that aspiration . . . to be taken out of the self . . . for a moment in touch . . . with a joy . . . free of all constraint. It is a sensation not of winning, but of fully playing.” When sports are kept in proper perspective—when we see sports primarily as a chance for boys to come together for joyful, spirited, high-energy play—they can help boys discover new competencies, buttress their feelings of self-worth, and reunite them with their authentic voices, enabling them to express the deepest stirrings of emotion in their hearts, widening their circle of connections.

  SPORTS AS TRANSFORMATION

  Indeed I believe that with the right attitude and the right coach, sports are transformational for boys. When the Boy Code is relaxed and the mask can come off, our sons can go from being reserved, detached, and hardened to being expressive, affectionate, resilient. Sports transform boys in this way. Sports open them up, give them a new elan, a new authenticity. And they simply make many boys into far happier, far more fulfilled human beings.

  Listen, for instance, to Tom and Phillip Marson, brothers aged thirteen and fifteen, who tell us how sports can turn things around for boys.

  “There used to be nothing to
do around here,” Tom told me, referring to the small, economically depressed town where he and his brother live.

  “There was like just one bowling alley, and it was closed on weekends. We had nothing to do, especially during the summer,” Phillip agreed.

  “Not quite a year ago,” Tom explained, “three of our best friends died of an OD.”

  Indeed, the autumn before, three teenage boys in the same sleepy town had all drunk themselves into oblivion and then overdosed on a lethal cocktail of various barbiturates. Sure, the town had always had its problems—high unemployment, poorly funded schools, and many broken families. But this was different. Three boys, the oldest only sixteen, were gone forever.

  The mood in town was sullen the summer following the deaths, and Tom and Phillip were resolved to change things. “We went to the mayor and to the priest at our church, and we asked if we could set up a regular sports program for kids around here,” Phillip explained.

  “A softball league,” Tom added.

  “What a great idea,” I told the boys.

  “Yeah. At first we were just ten guys,” said Tom.

  “But then, like, everybody wanted to sign up—girls too,” explained Phillip. “Now there are too many kids who want to play. More than a hundred. But the state government offered to help with some money and coaches.”

  “So it is making a difference, to have this new league?” I asked the boys.

  “Hell, yeah,” Phillip replied. “Now we’ve got a schedule. We’ve got something to do.”