Real Boys

by William Pollack

  “So Dan wasn’t too supportive of Allison?” I asked.

  “For some reason,” Chris explained, “He seemed to really hate her, and I knew he ranked on her behind her back. But then one day in math when she was trying to answer a question the stutter came out and it was real hard for her to stop. ‘The ger . . . the ger . . .’ Finally the teacher realized it and just tried to change the subject. But from the back of the class I could hear this big old horse laugh. I knew that laugh. It was Dan’s. I wanted to do something right then and there, but I knew Allie wanted to fight her own battles and so I respected that—I kept quiet. I didn’t want to make her feel even worse than she probably already did.”

  “Good for you,” I offered.

  “But after class,” Chris continued, “it got worse. After the teacher had left, Dan and a couple of other guys surrounded Allie and were saying: ‘GERR . . . GERR . . . what’s the matter Allie, cat got your tongue?’ ”

  “Was everyone involved in the teasing?”

  “Some of the other kids were giggling, but most just seemed pretty angry and so they took off. Funny thing, all the girls and other guys mostly left and it was only Dan and a couple of other boys who hung around and teased her. Allie started to defend herself, but the stutter wouldn’t stop. She started crying and ran from the room, with Dan laughing the whole time. It was pretty awful.”

  “What did you do about it?”

  “I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I walked right up to Dan and said. ‘Dan, cut this crap out! I’ve told you before to stop the bullying. Can’t you see you’re hurting Allie?’ ”

  “How did Dan respond to that?”

  “He stepped real close to me—you know, his face right into mine—and said real loudly, ‘What you going to do about it, you wuss?’ It was a direct challenge. He was shouting at me. I knew he was looking for a fight. I don’t really know what I would have done, and maybe never will. Because just when he was trying to pick a stupid fight with me, these other kids came up to us and were like, ‘What the hell?’ A bunch of guys from the football team were there and they were just shouting: ‘Hey, back the hell off, Dan.’ My friend Kevin was shouting: ‘Chill out, Dan’ and pulled him away. Then Greg said something like ‘Hey, Chris is right—why are you bullying her? She’s a nice kid, so lay off.’ And then, four of the guys went up to Dan and said, ‘You lay off Chris and you leave Allie alone. And if you lay a hand on either of them, we know just where to find you.’ ”

  “How did you feel about that?” I asked Chris.

  “I was really happy that they sided with me. Me and Allie were sort of the underdogs—and the other guys were taking our side. Like maybe my older brother would have told me to just stick with Dan and act cool and tough. But here were four of the other guys from our team defending me and Allie, sticking up for her rights. And my parents told me I handled it well too.”

  “So, how did it turn out?”

  “Well, Dan never bothered Allie again and I think he got a little less rough with the other kids too. I’d known him for a long time, though. So, after a while, I tried to talk to him, to explain my feelings, and he just went, ‘Well, Chris, I guess we’re in different worlds now.’ You know I felt bad for a couple of days but then I kept thinking—OK, why did I finally stand up to the guy? And the thought that kept coming to mind was: It just isn’t right—somebody’s got to try to change these things.’”

  “What things do you mean exactly?”

  “Like that guys have to act mean and rank on other people. Or that kids like Allie who have problems get teased. It just seems like a big waste. I think everybody’s human so everyone should be treated the same. This year when I was going for class president, my campaign message was ‘At Hickman High, there’s a place for everyone.’ I thought some people might think I was a nerd or whatever, but I decided that I just don’t mind anymore. It’s a good thing, because now I’m class president and Dan seems to be coming around too. I think I know why he felt pressured to act like such a jerk, and so maybe now we can just let the past be the past and someday even be friends again.”

  As this story reflects, it’s quite possible for a boy today to break out of the gender straitjacket, buck the old Boy Code, and still win the approval and love of family, friends, and society at large. Despite the pressure on him to behave otherwise, Chris stood up for himself and for his friend Allie and triumphed in the end. Unbeknownst to Chris, he was acting like something of a pioneer, rebelling against our old rules about masculinity, and thus breaking new ground for boys and for men.

  About forty years ago, society began the process of discarding its old rules about girls and women that tied them down to traditional feminine and maternal obligations, required them to forfeit higher education (and then depend financially on men), and barred them from participating in the many professions, activities, and pursuits once thought to be either “unladylike” or “for men only.” While we’ve hardly finished the process, we’ve come a long way in opening a broad range of opportunities to girls and women and in helping them feel comfortable sounding their true voices and being their true selves without fear of being seen as anything less than a hundred percent “feminine.” We’ve come a long way in liberating girls and women from the gender straitjacket that for years they’ve been forced to wear.

  Boys like Chris show us that society seems to be ready to begin an equivalent process of liberation for boys and men. We are starting to revise the old Boy Code that for ages has cut our boys and men in two, calling upon them to suppress their loving, sensitive, emotionally expressive sides, and then bemoaning the lack of these qualities in them as adults, especially in their relationships with women.

  Boys like Chris are beginning to question the double standard of masculinity that has pushed boys and men to feel they must choose between being the kind of tough, competitive, unfeeling, uncommunicative man traditionally celebrated as “masculine” and being the kind of open, expressive, egalitarian man now heralded as ideal by much of contemporary society.

  Boys like Chris show us that, yes, boys can have some or all of these qualities without having to choose between them arbitrarily, that there is a way for boys to be at once tough and gentle, vulnerable and courageous, dependent and independent. Like Chris, they can handle some tough situations on their own, but decide to lean on their peers without being shamed. Like him, they can play a rugged sport like football and yet steer clear of unnecessary physical fighting. Perhaps at last we’re beginning to cherish all the emotions and qualities that boys naturally have inside themselves. Love, fear, empathy, guilt, anger, sadness, bravado, loyalty, courage—all of these are normal, healthy parts of the real boy.

  It seems we’re getting ready for a second gender revolution. The boys we’ve met in this book all seem to be telling us, some directly and some more subtly, “I want out of the old Boy Code,” “I’m sick of hiding important parts of who I really am,” and “I want to be able to be myself.”

  Today it would be virtually unheard of to require a girl to stick to old rules about being a “good little girl,” refrain from showing qualities historically celebrated as “masculine,” such as assertiveness or independence, or restrict herself to expressing only half of the person she genuinely is. I believe that boys like Chris are finally catching on that, in a very similar way, it’s simply no longer acceptable for boys to have to follow the old Boy Code rules, stuff away feelings and behaviors once labeled “feminine,” and suppress half of themselves to avoid being shamed.

  I hear boys telling us “Enough already” and “Let’s move on.” Boys seem eager to unite their private and public selves, to feel proud of who they really are, to be freed of the shackles of shame that have held them back for centuries.

  Chris teaches us that boys do care; they do love; they do nourish; they can be tough; they do flex their muscles; and, they greatly value their friendships. Boys like Chris are helping us to codify a new set of rules for boys and men, a code for the Real
Boy. Here at last will be a set of rules, much like those we’ve been striving to enforce for girls and women, that say “Every door is open to you,” “There’s not just one right way of doing things,” and “You are good just the way you are.”

  I believe the time has come for us to allow boys to craft this new, far more flexible code of manhood. As we’ve seen, boys are not biologically wired to act in just one “boylike” way; they are not mean-spirited, violent, or “toxic”; there is not one single way of acting or being that is more “masculine” than the next; boys are simply not the stoic, self-confident loners of procrustean myths.

  As tough, cool, independent as they may sometimes seem, boys yearn desperately for friendships and relationships. Despite the bragging and bravado, boys like Chris, just like most girls and women, may feel devastated when these friendships or relationships suffer or fail. They too can become sad, frightened, and lonely, suffer low-self-esteem, and tumble toward serious depression.

  And as we’ve seen, boys may actually become traumatized if emotionally they’re pushed away from their closest loved ones before they’re truly ready. In spite of all of society’s messages to the contrary, parents cannot love their boys too much or somehow spoil them with too much caring or affection. In fact, boys with parents who remain emotionally connected to them do better in school, are more healthy psychologically, and, when they become adults, achieve greater success in their careers and relationships.

  Unless they are conditioned not to be, boys are eminently loving and caring human beings. Like Chris, today’s real boy sincerely wants to help others. He’s sensitive to what other people feel and he does not want to hurt them. He takes action not only because he knows that it’s right or just, but because he feels genuine empathy. But as we’ve seen, if this empathy is to stay alive, a boy must feel that others will reciprocate. If we withhold our love and affection, our boy feels ashamed and then hardens himself. If we don’t stay active in his emotional life and listen to his feelings well, he comes to believe that his emotions are not welcomed. In sum, if we don’t give him our empathy, he won’t give empathy to us.

  Real boys need people to be with who allow them to show all of their emotions, including their most intense feelings of sadness, disappointment, and fear. Real boys need to hear that these feelings are normal, good, and “masculine.” They need to know that there really isn’t any feeling, activity, or behavior that is forbidden to them as boys (other than those that could end up seriously hurting them or somebody else). They need to be taught connection rather than disconnection. They need to treated with the same kind of caring and affection we hope they’ll be able to express when they become men in the next century. They need to be convinced, above all, that both their strengths and their vulnerabilities are good, that all sides of them will be celebrated, that we’ll love them through and through for being just the boys they really are.

  SOURCES

  Much of the material found in each chapter comes from the “Listening to Boys’ Voices” study and other related research by the author. Other sources for each chapter are listed below.

  INTRODUCTION

  Betcher, R. W., and Pollack, W. S. (1993). In a Time of Fallen Heroes: The ReCreation of Masculinity. New York: Atheneum.

  Brown, L. M., and Gilligan, C. (1992). Meeting at the Crossroads: Women’s Psychology and Girls’ Development. New York: Ballantine Books.

  Gilligan, C. (1982). In a Different Voice. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

  Jordan, J. (ed.) (1997). Women’s Growth in Diversity. New York: Guilford Press.

  Jordan, J. V., Kaplan, A. G., Baker Miller, J., Stiver, I. P., and Surrey, J. L. (1991). Women’s Growth in Connection. New York: Guilford Press.

  Pipher, M. (1994). Reviving Ophelia. New York: Grosset/Putnam.

  Pollack, W. S. (1996). “Becoming Whole and Good: A New Psychology of Men.” International Coalition/Boys’ Schools Symposium, June.

  ——— (1996). “Boys’ Voices: Can We Listen, Can We Respond? Toward an Empathic Empirical Agenda.” International Coalition/Boys’ Schools Symposium, June.

  PART ONE. REAL BOYS

  CHAPTER 1

  Brody, L. R. (1993). “On Understanding Gender Differences in the Expression of Emotion.” In S. Ablon, D. Brown, J. Mack, and E. Khantazian (eds.), Human Feelings: Explorations in Affect Development and Meaning (pp. 87–121). Hillsdale, N.J.: Analytic Press.

  ——— (1996). “Gender, Emotional Expression and the Family.” In R. Kavanaugh, B. Zimmerberg-Glick, and S. Fein (eds.), Emotion: Interdisciplinary Perspectives. Hillsdale, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum.

  ———, and Hall, J. (1993). “Gender and Emotion.” In M. Lewis and J. M. Haviland (eds.), Handbook of Emotions. New York: Guilford Press.

  Brown, L. M., and Gilligan, C. (1992). Meeting at the Crossroads: Women’s Psychology and Girls’ Development. New York: Ballantine Books.

  Bushweller, K. (1994). Turning Our Backs on Boys. The American School Board Journal, 181, 20–25.

  Gilligan, C. (1982). In a Different Voice. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

  Jordan, J. V., Kaplan, A. G., Baker Miller, J., Stiver, I. P., and Surrey, J. L. (1991). Women’s Growth in Connection. New York: Guilford Press.

  Miller, J. B. (1976). Toward a New Psychology of Women. Boston: Beacon Press.

  ———, and Stiver, I. P. (1997). The Healing Connection. Boston: Beacon Press.

  Pipher, M. (1994). Reviving Ophelia. New York: Grosset/Putnam.

  Pollack, W. S. (1982). “ ‘I’ness and ‘We’ness: Parallel Lines of Development.” (Ph.D. dissertation, Boston University). University Microfilms International, 82–13517.

  ——— (1992). “Boys Will Be Boys: Developmental Traumas of Masculinity—Psychoanalytic Perspectives.” Paper presented as part of a symposium “Toward a New Psychology of Men” at the Centennial Meeting of the American Psychological Association, Washington.

  ——— (1995). “No Man Is an Island: Toward a New Psychoanalytic Psychology of Men.” In R. Levant, and W. S. Pollack (eds.), A New Psychology of Men (pp. 33–67). New York: Basic Books.

  ——— (1995). “Becoming Whole and Good: A New Psychology of Men.” International Coalition/Boys’ Schools Symposium, June.

  ——— (1996). “Boys’ Voices: Can We Listen, Can We Respond? Toward an Empathic Empirical Agenda.” International Coalition/Boys’ Schools Symposium, June.

  Ravitch, D. (1994). “Blackboard Bungle.” Men’s Health, October, 110.

  Rotundo, E. A. (1993). American Manhood: Transformations in Masculinity from the Revolution to the Modern Era. New York: Basic Books.

  CHAPTER 2

  Barkley, R. A. (1995). Taking Charge of ADHD. New York: Guilford Press.

  Brody, L. R. (1993). “On Understanding Gender Differences in the Expression of Emotion.” In S. Ablon, D. Brown, J. Mack, and E. Khantazian (eds.), Human Feelings: Explorations in Affect Development and Meaning (pp. 87–121). Hillsdale, N.J.: Analytic Press.

  ——— (1996). “Gender, Emotional Expression and the Family.” In R. Kavanaugh, B. Zimmerberg-Glick, and S. Fein (eds.), Emotion: Interdisciplinary Perspectives. Hillsdale, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum.

  ———, and Hall, J. (1993). “Gender and Emotion.” In M. Lewis and J. M. Haviland (eds.), Handbook of Emotions. New York: Guilford Press.

  Chodorow, N. (1978). The Reproduction of Mothering. Berkeley: University of California Press.

  ——— (1989). Feminism and Psychoanalytic Theory. New Haven: Yale University Press.

  David, D., and Brannon, R. (eds.) (1976). The Forty-nine Percent Majority: The Male Sex Role. Reading, Mass.: Addison-Wesley.

  Fivush, R. (1989). “Exploring Sex Differences in the Emotional Content of Mother-Child Conversations about the Past.” Sex Roles, 20, 675–91.

  Greif, E., Alvarez, M., and Ulman, K. (1981, April). “Recognizing Emotions in Other People: Sex Differences in Socialization.” Paper presented at the biennial meeting of the Society for Research in C
hild Development, Boston.

  Jordan, J. (1984). Empathy and Self-Boundaries (Stone Center Working Paper Series, Work in Progress No. 16). Wellesley, Mass.: Wellesley College, Stone Center.

  ——— (1989). Relational Development: Therapeutic Implications of Empathy and Shame. (Stone Center Working Paper Series, Work in Progress No. 39). Wellesley, Mass.: Wellesley College, Stone Center.

  Koch, J. (1997). “The Interview: Sam Gash.” Boston Sunday Globe Magazine, August 24, 16.

  Krugman, S. (1991). “Male Vulnerability and the Transformation of Shame.” In W. S. Pollack, chair, “On Men: Redefining Roles.” The Cambridge Series, The Cambridge Hospital, Harvard Medical School, Cambridge.

  Malatesta, C. Z., and Haviland, J. M. (1982). “Learning Display Rules: The Socialization of Emotion Expression in Infancy.” Child Development, 53, 991–1003.

  ———, Culver, C., Tesman, J., et al. (1989). The Development of Emotion Expression During the First Two Years of Life. Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development, 50(1–2, Serial No. 219).

  Morrison, A. (1989). Shame: The Underside of Narcissism. Hillsdale, N.J.: Analytic Press.

  Osherson, S., and Krugman, S. (1990). “Men, Shame and Psychotherapy.” Psychotherapy, 27, 327–39.