The World's Worst Fairy Godmother

by Bruce Coville

  “Man, I can’t believe all the time I wasted,” growled Susan, as she whacked Zitzel on the head. “Years of perfect sweetness! Yetch! I never got out of my seat unless I was supposed to. I never took off my shoes until it was time for bed. Heck, I never even picked my nose in public! I tell you, it is time for this girl to cut loose.”

  “I agree,” said Zitzel, rubbing his hands together. “What shall we do first?”

  “Let’s beat each other up!” cried Susan. With that she launched herself at Zitzel and began to pound him on the head.

  “Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop that, will ya? I’m on your side.”

  “You’re not on my side, you’re underneath me!” shouted Susan as she pinned the little imp to the ground. She began flicking his ears, singing “Flickety, flickety, bop-bop-bop!” Then she grabbed them and pulled them out sideways. “Man!” she cried. “These are big enough to be wings!”

  Before Zitzel could get loose, Gustav happened along. Susan jumped up and ran to him. “Hey Gustav!” she cried, grabbing him by the shoulders and breathing in his face. “Let’s fight!”

  Gustav looked totally astonished. “Susan, is that you?”

  “Sure is, you little slimeball,” she said as she punched him on the shoulder.

  Gustav stood stock still for a moment. Suddenly his mouth began to twitch. His eyes got wide, and then very narrow. “I hate everything!” he shouted.

  “All right!” cried Susan. “That’s the spirit!”

  “Shut up!” replied Gustav. “You make me sick.”

  Susan laughed. “So what’s new? I always made you sick, liver brain.”

  Then she hit him on the head.

  Gustav began chasing her. They went barreling toward the town. As they did, they met Maria. Susan stopped long enough to grab one of Maria’s pigtails. “Hey, Maria!” she cried, running in circles and pulling Maria with her. “You must be built upside down, because your nose runs—and your feet smell!”

  Maria gasped in astonishment. “Susan, what are you—”

  She broke off in mid-sentence. Her eyes got wide, and then very narrow. Then she slapped Susan.

  Susan slapped her back.

  Soon the two girls were having a slap fight. Slap! Slap! Slappitty- slap-bop!

  “Owwww!” cried Maria.

  “Get over it, Toots!” shouted Susan

  Maria didn’t answer. Instead, she began to growl as she came racing at Susan.

  The yelling and screaming had brought Heidi and Friedrich running from their house.

  “Stop it, stop it!” cried Heidi.

  “Aw, let them work it out themselves,” said Friedrich, who thought the fight was very funny.

  Suddenly Gustav jumped on his back. “Hey, Friedrich!” he cried. “Wanna wrestle?”

  Actually, Friedrich and Gustav wrestled all the time. But when Gustav grabbed him now, Friedrich’s face began to twitch. His eyes got narrow, and then very wide. He wiggled free of Gustav’s grasp.

  He stood shaking and trembling for a moment. Then he straightened up. Sounding exactly like Susan used to, he said, “Of course I don’t want to wrestle with you little hooligans. Fighting is not a proper activity for a young gentleman. You should all be ashamed.”

  “Great bonging bells!” cried Zitzel, who was swinging on the ends of Maria’s braids. “He must have been so crabby to begin with that the spell drove him right through to the other side. He’s been double-crabbed, and he turned out nice! What a catastrophe!”

  Before Zitzel could decide what to do, Gustav came charging over to fight with him instead.

  Friedrich went running off, shouting, “Mommy, Mommy! Teacher, teacher! The children are being wicked, the children are being wicked. Save me, Mommy, save me!”

  At the same time Heidi grabbed Susan and pulled her away from Maria. “Stop fighting!” she cried.

  “Leave me alone, pukeface!” roared Susan, breathing the words right into Heidi’s face.

  Heidi blinked. Her eyes went wide, then got very narrow. Her lip curled in a sneer. She grabbed Susan’s hair and started to pull. “I’ve had it with you, you disgusting little china doll!” she shouted. “You’ve made me sick to my stomach for as long as I’ve known you.”

  Susan squirmed away from her and ran off chanting, “Naughty girls and little pink pigs, Heidi and Maria are wearing wigs.”

  The commotion brought out Ludwig, who was soon infected as well. Helga showed up a moment later—and a moment after that she was screaming and hitting too.

  Before long there was a battle going on at the edge of town unlike anything anyone had ever seen. Every kid in Grindersnog had been attracted by the shouts and screams. Within seconds of reaching the fight, each newcomer was infected by the spell. Children who had been rambunctious but basically decent all their lives were screeching, swearing, and throwing punches left and right.

  It was about then that Edna and Zozmagog showed up.

  “Oh no!” cried Edna. “We’re not a moment too soon!”

  “I’d say we’re about ten minutes too late,” said Zozmagog nervously. Then he added in surprise, “Zitzel, what are you doing here!”

  Zitzel, who had risen briefly to the top of the writhing mass of brawling children shouted, “Hi, boss! Just like the old days, huh?”

  “Edna, my shimmering ray of sunlight, you’d better do something quickly!” said Zozmagog.

  Edna took a deep breath. “Well, this won’t cure them, but it will slow things down.” Raising her wand, she waved it at the crowd of kids and chanted, “Imminny, Bimminny, Arphaz ig Nantio!”

  Nothing happened.

  Astonished, Edna shook the wand and tried again. “Imminny, bimminy, Arphaz ig Nantio!”

  Again, nothing happened—at least, nothing magical. But at that moment, the townspeople began to arrive. When the first woman to show up saw Edna shaking her wand at the children she began to scream, “A witch! A witch!”

  “I told you there were demons in the forest!” shouted the woodcutter who had spotted Zitzel two days earlier.

  Edna blinked in astonishment, then drew herself up to her full height. But before she could announce that she was a fairy godmother, not a witch, Susan shouted, “Grown-ups! Head for the hills!”

  The kids all turned and blew raspberries at their parents. Then they scattered and ran. The grown-ups went chasing after them, leaving Edna and Zozmagog standing alone at the edge of the village.

  “What happened?” asked Zozmagog. “How come you couldn’t stop the fight?”

  “I’ve lost my powers!” cried Edna in despair.

  Chapter Twelve

  Farewell to Heaven

  Maybelle and Dr. Dekter were walking through the forest, talking quietly.

  “So you really are a fairy godmother?” asked Dr. Dekter.

  He was having a hard time accepting the idea, since they had never taught him anything about fairy godmothers in medical school.

  “I certainly am!” replied Maybelle. “And the reason you fell in love with me was because you took a bite of that love apple I made to help Susan. Only I can’t figure out why it made Susan so crabby.”

  “But why aren’t I in love with you now?” asked Dr. Dekter.

  “Because the darn thing wore off!” said Maybelle in disgust. “I blew it—just like I’ve blown everything else I tried to do for the last hundred and fifty-three years. I am a total failure, the worst fairy godmother in the entire world!”

  Dr. Dekter put his hand on her shoulder. “Now, now, Maybelle. It can’t be all that bad.”

  “Oh no? How would you like to lose your wings and your wand?”

  Dr. Dekter frowned. “Ah,” he said sympathetically. “I see what you mean. I think—” Suddenly distracted, he looked up, and then said nervously, “What in heaven’s name is going on there?”

  In the distance they could hear a great shouting and commotion.

  “I don’t know,” said Maybelle. “But I’m afraid maybe we should go and find out.”


  They hurried toward the edge of the forest. Just as they reached it a herd of screaming, shouting children went thundering by.

  “Wait!” cried Dr. Dekter.

  No one stopped. However, they did all turn and stick out their tongues.

  Before Maybelle could ask what was going on, a mob of adults came racing toward them, shouting, “Come back! Come back!” Some of them sounded worried. Others sounded angry.

  “What’s going on?” cried Maybelle.

  No one answered. They were too intent on catching the children.

  “I think we’d better follow them,” said Maybelle.

  “Who’s that?” said Dr. Dekter, pointing in the other direction.

  Edna and Zozmagog were sitting beside the road. “I don’t understand,” said the cherub. “How could you lose your powers?”

  “It means I’ve fallen in love,” said Edna, through clenched teeth.

  “Wonderful!” cried Zozmagog. “I mean, that’s too bad. I mean, great! I mean… is it with me, pookie?”

  “It must be!”

  “Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! Oh, heavenly bliss! Oh, Edna, my little kumquat, my gleaming star in the firmament, perfection on wings. Divine Edna, at last my life is complete!”

  “Oh, shut up! I have to think.”

  But before she could think a single thought, Maybelle came huffing up, shouting, “Edna! Edna! Oh, Edna, I blew it again.”

  “I am well aware of that,” said Edna sharply.

  “You might as well step in and fix things,” said Maybelle sorrowfully. “I’m bound to get kicked out after this mess.”

  Edna sighed. “Maybelle, I can’t fix a thing.”

  “Why not?”

  “I’ve lost my powers.”

  Maybelle’s eyes grew wide with astonishment. “What? How?”

  “Guess,” said Edna, her voice dripping with disgust.

  Maybelle thought for a moment, then cried, “You’re kidding! You fell in love?” She sounded astonished, delighted, and horrified all at once.

  “Yes, I did,” said Edna. “And you needn’t look so surprised.”

  “Who’s the lucky man?”

  Edna gestured to Zozmagog, who was sitting next to her.

  Maybelle, who had been so focused on her own troubles that she hadn’t really taken a look at Edna’s companion, was now more astonished than ever. She stared at Zozmagog for a moment, then motioned frantically for Edna to come close so she could speak to her in private.

  When Edna obliged, Maybelle stretched up and whispered into her ear, “Edna, do you—uh, do you know exactly what he is?”

  “Yes, I know what he is!” said Edna sharply. “He’s a cherub, believe it or not. And most of his troubles are due to you.”

  Maybelle rolled her eyes. “That figures. Aren’t everyone’s?”

  “You delivered him to the wrong place when he was a baby,” said Edna. “It ruined his life.”

  Maybelle turned pale. “Are you serious?”

  “She most certainly is,” said Zozmagog. “Look, here’s proof. I’ve saved it all these years.” Reaching into whatever place it is that imps and cherubs store their belongings, he pulled out a piece of cloth with a paper tag attached to it.

  “What’s that?” asked Edna.

  “My diaper and address tag!” said Zozmagog.

  Maybelle snatched it from him. “Let me see that!”

  She studied the items carefully, then said, “I delivered him to exactly where this says. I remember that trip very well. It wasn’t easy.”

  “Let me see,” said Edna. She took the diaper and tag from Maybelle. “Well, it’s misaddressed,” she said sharply.

  She blinked and looked at the tag again. Her eyes grew wide and the color drained from her cheeks, until she was even paler than Maybelle. “I can’t believe it!” she wailed. “That’s my handwriting! I’m the one who caused it!”

  “There, there, dear,” said Maybelle, reaching up to pat Edna on the shoulder. “None of us are perfect.”

  Zozmagog rushed to Edna’s side. “Don’t cry, dear heart. It’s perfectly all right. After all, without that mistake, I might never have come to know you. I would have lived in the darkness forever, gone my entire life without ever walking in the sunshine.”

  “Holy Moses,” said Maybelle. “He really does have a case on you.”

  Edna sighed. “He certainly does. But it’s only because of that foolish love apple of yours.”

  Maybelle smiled. “Edna, I’ve got news for you. That love apple doesn’t work.”

  “What?”

  “Ask him,” she said, gesturing toward Dr. Dekter.

  “She’s telling the truth,” said the doctor. “Half an hour ago I was crazy about Maybelle. But it wore off.”

  “It’s the story of my life,” muttered Maybelle.

  Edna blinked. “But if the apple doesn’t work—”

  “Then this is for real!” cried Zozmagog. “Darling, how wonderful!”

  “Oh, be quiet!” snapped Edna. “Don’t you realize we won’t be welcome anywhere now, Above or Below?” She sighed. “Oh, I will miss heaven.”

  “What’s it like?” asked Zozmagog. “I never got to see it, you know.”

  “It’s… it’s… well, it’s heavenly,” said Edna.

  “It sure is,” said Maybelle. “We’ve got choirs of angels, and troops of clowns. Music, light, and laughter all day long. Nectar dripping right out of the vine. And the dancing! Oh, I do love dancing on those golden streets of ours.”

  She fluttered into the air and began to do a little polka.

  “And the Pearly Gates,” sighed Edna. “You can see them shining in the dark no matter where you are.” She sniffed sadly. “I will miss it up there, Maybelle.”

  Zozmagog sighed. “I can’t let you give up all that for me, my darling little pookie-kumquat.”

  “I don’t have any choice,” said Edna. “Besides, you should have been there to begin with, and it’s my fault you’re not.” Straightening her shoulders, she said, “We’ll just have to make a little bit of heaven here on earth.”

  “Boy,” Maybelle muttered to Dr. Dekter. “She’s as gone as he is.”

  “Yes,” said the doctor. “And it’s all very sweet. But you’ve got another problem right now.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like a village full of angry parents!” he said, pointing toward the forest.

  Even as he spoke, most of the population of the village came pouring out of the woods. The parents had their children firmly in tow, carrying them over their shoulders or pulling them along by their ears. The children were screaming and squalling, kicking and shouting.

  “Let me go!” screeched Susan. “Let me go!”

  “Look!” cried a woman at the front of the crowd. “There she is!”

  She was pointing at Edna.

  “I saw her waving a wand over the children,” continued the woman. “She’s the witch who caused all this!”

  “Witch?” said Edna in disbelief.

  “And that other woman is her helper!” shouted Susan’s mother. “They came to my house yesterday and persuaded me to send Susan into the woods. That’s when she changed. They must have cast an evil spell on her!”

  “Evil spell?” asked Maybelle in astonishment.

  “There’s only one way to break a witch’s spell!” shouted one of the men. “Burn her!”

  The villagers took up the cry. “Burn them! Burn the witches!”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Out of the Blue

  “Edna!” cried Maybelle. “Do something!”

  “I can’t do anything,” said Edna, and for the first time Maybelle heard fear in her voice. “I have no powers. You do something.”

  “But…” Maybelle took a deep breath. “Oh, all right. Here goes nothing.” Lifting her wand, she waved it at the crowd and shouted, “Zitzenspratz!”

  Immediately, everything went dark.

  Edna sighed. “For heaven’s sake, Maybelle, turn on
the lights.”

  “Sorry. Brechensprech!”

  Lightning crackled all around them. Horrendous bursts of thunder shook the sky. The darkness remained.

  “Maybelle,” said Edna quietly. “That’s very exciting, but it’s not going to help. In fact it will probably make things worse.”

  “I know, I know!” said Maybelle desperately. Waving her wand, she shouted, “Cut!”

  Instantly the thunder and lightning stopped. The light came back, and everyone could see again.

  “Oh, lordy!” cried Zozmagog. “I know what the problem is!” Snatching Edna’s wand, he handed it to Maybelle. “Here,” he said. “Use this one!”

  He was too late. Several of the men had raced forward and grabbed the two women.

  “Leave them alone!” cried Dr. Dekter angrily.

  “Stay out of this, old man,” shouted one of the villagers. “Now, witch, prepare to meet your Maker!”

  “Actually, I already have,” said Maybelle. “He’s quite nice. Frankly, I don’t think he would approve of this.”

  “Kindly take your hands off me,” said Edna in frosty tones to the man who held her. “I am not a witch!”

  “Oh,” he sneered. “Then what are you?”

  “A fairy godmother!”

  The men burst into laughter. “And I suppose this is just a sweet little cherub,” said one of them, gesturing at Zozmagog.

  “As a matter of fact, that’s exactly what he is,” said Edna fiercely.

  The men laughed harder than ever.

  “This is not funny!” said Edna.

  “I’ll say it’s not!” shouted one of the women, who was struggling to hold on to a screaming, shouting little girl. “What have you done to these children?”

  “Bewitched them!” shouted another woman. “That’s what they’ve done! Bewitched them!”

  “Burn them!” roared the crowd. “Burn the witches!”

  “No!” cried Susan.

  “Susan!” hissed Mrs. Pfenstermacher. “Be quiet.”

  “I won’t!”

  “Take Susan away,” said one of the men. “Take them all away. What we have to do now is not for children’s eyes.”

  Susan squirmed free of her mother’s grasp and ran to stand in front of Maybelle. “Don’t you touch her!” she cried. “They’re telling the truth. She is a fairy godmother. She’s my fairy godmother!”