by Vicki Green
We walk up to the vendor and Kyle Peterson smiles at me. “Well, Saige Benton.” It’s very noticeable how his eyes keep moving from mine to Dax and back. “Just made up a fresh batch. Your normal five?” I look down, embarrassed.
“Yes,” Dax answers. I look up at him and smile.
“Very good. Anything for you, young man?”
“I’ll take two and we’ll each have a bottled water,” he answers, short just like always. Does the man ever really talk?
Dax picks up our corndogs and I pick up our waters. “I was really sorry to hear about your dad, Saige.”
And there it is, again.
News travels fast in my town. I should want the sympathy. I should want the comfort. But I don’t. I’m not a mean person and I don’t wish to go through this alone but I’d rather it be someone close to me, not a neighbor, or a person that lives here, even if they have known me most of my life. It’s just not the same. They’re all meaningless words, not loving him as I do, not knowing him to that degree. It’s nice but not enough. It makes me cringe.
I look at Kyle, my mouth opens. “I…” I frown and look down. “Thank you.”
I feel a nudge on my arm and see Dax walking down the sidewalk. I look at Kyle and try to smile then turn and walk after Dax. I follow him to the picnic table under the big oak tree, my favorite place to sit. How does he do that? He sits down, placing my corndogs on the table next to him so I walk around the table and slide my feet over the bench and sit down, putting his bottled water next to his food. I unwrap the first corn dog and notice several packages of mustard sitting next to my water. I open one and squirt the yellow yumminess straight down my corn dog. I take a huge bite, loving the taste filling my mouth. I look over at him and see him dip his corn dog in a pile of ketchup he poured onto the paper wrapper and scrunch my nose.
“That’s disgusting.”
He looks into my eyes and swallows his bite. “You’re adorable.”
I wasn’t expecting that. Chills move through me even though it’s a warm day. I look away, almost shyly, and take another bite. “How is it you seem to know so much about me but I know very little about you?” I take another bite nonchalantly, acting like this is how we talk every day.
“Not much to tell.” Short. Normal.
I grab my bottled water, twist off the cap, and take a drink. “That’s not telling me anything.” He shrugs and keeps eating. My shoulders slump. I look down at my corn dog and sigh. Suddenly, his arm nudges mine, and I look over at him.
“If I tell you something, will you keep eating?” Not quite fair but too easy. I nod. He looks straight ahead, my eyes following his over to an open area where some kids are playing. “I’ve loved taking care of people since I was young. Being a physical therapist is only one thing I do to help people.” He turns his head and looks right into my eyes.
I search them with mine, trying to know him, wanting to know more. “What’s the other thing?” I whisper, afraid he’ll stop talking if I’m louder.
He stares into my eyes, his lips part, as if he will share. I feel like we stay like this for longer than it really is. Suddenly, he moves back and takes a big bite of his corn dog. I watch, mesmerized, as he swallows, following the lump moving down his throat. “It’s just another business I’m in.”
And that’s – that.
No more information came from his luscious mouth. No more about himself or the other business he does. We finished eating in silence. I ate all my corndogs because I told him I would even though he didn’t tell me as much about himself as I wished he would have. He picked up our trash and took my hand as he stood, helping me off the bench. We walked hand in hand as he threw away our trash in the wired can we passed then took me to his car. On the way back over to the deli, I suppose to get my car, he was quiet. Not as if he isn’t normally around me but my feelings are all over the place. He pulls into the empty space next to my car and puts it in park. Neither of us moves. Finally, when I feel like he isn’t going to speak, I start to open the door. My eyes snap to his when I feel his hand on mine.
“Look. I wish I could tell you more but – I can’t.” I hold in my sigh. He leans across the seat as far as his seatbelt will allow and presses his lips against mine. Not frantic. Not sweet. Almost – reverently. He confuses me so much yet he only makes me want him that much more. He pulls back but presses his forehead against mine. “I want to tell you.” I look up into the browns of his eyes, waiting. “I’ll be there early for your dad’s therapy in the morning then I’ll be gone until the next day.” My brows raise, moving up the skin of my forehead into his. “It’s the…” He hesitates. “Other business I need to attend to.” Ah, the other business. The one he can’t tell me about. “Just know I’m only a phone call away. If you need me.” Hmmm, so maybe he’s not going far? Ugh, he’s killing me. He pulls back and kisses me again. This time it is short and sweet. He sits up and I open the door, getting out quickly. “Saige?” I turn around, ready to shut the door but stop. “Thanks for eating more today.” He gives me a sexy wink and puts his car in reverse. My smile appears without my consent as I shut the door and step back, right into the door of my car. He smiles. He turns his head, looking over his shoulder as he backs out, taking my breath away. I watch him as he drives off, suddenly taking a deep breath that I didn’t know I needed and feeling unexpectedly less alone. I guess that sometimes it won’t always be a bad day.
12
Ever since she appeared before me in that vision so long ago, I knew instantly I had to find her. I had no idea when I did how fast I’d fall in love with her. Or maybe I already had, in that dream. Fate. Magic. Destiny. Hocus Pocus. I have no idea what you’d call it but I know now it’s real. She’s real. And the way she responds to my touch. The way she looks at me. She might have thought I was fucking her, trying to take her mind off her worries, but to me – I was making love to her. Never did I think I’d get this close to her. Feel her. If I hadn’t already been on my knees, she would have brought me to them. I gave her a release, gave her something of myself. For a few moments, I took her mind away from everything except her own euphoria. I did that. I wish I could have done more. No one should have to go through what she is, especially with no other family to help her. Yes. I did my research. I’d found out everything I possibly could a long time ago and even more since she’s been here.
Now, I dread tomorrow. But my work has to be done. We’re too close for me to back off now. It’s been coming a long time and being this close to Saige, I can’t let anything happen to her. The more I work with her dad with physical therapy, the more I fall in love with her. He’s doing great with the medication they put him on so he’s been telling me about her as a little girl. Her dreams. The way she used to play nurse on everyone in their house. Then I learned more about her mom and brother, the tragic accident that took their lives. I’ve never known anyone who’s had so much heartache in their lives, at such an early age, then grow up to be a kind hearted woman, wanting to take care of the sick and hurt. She beguiles me.
After spending the afternoon with her, I’m not sure I can wait for an entire day to see her again. I’m proud she ate, even though it wasn’t the healthiest of foods, at least she got something in her stomach. When I get back, I’ll have to have a private talk with Dr. Turner about what I can do to help settle her stomach and what kinds of things would be good for her to eat, under the circumstances. There must be something that would entice her to eat. She can’t live on corndogs.
By late evening, after getting prepared for my trip, I pace my floor, only thinking of her. What is she doing? Is she with her dad? I look at the clock on the mantle. Surely not, it’s after ten. Her face materializes in my mind. That full lower lip begging for me to nip and tug. Those magnificent breasts that even my large hands cannot hold completely and their pink nipples that were more than heaven to taste. But more than all of that was watching her face as I pleasured her. The tiny sounds of her whimpers and moans almost made me cum before I
was ready. Then the look on her face when she found her release was better than any vision I’d ever had of her, any dreams. She’s beautiful every time I see her but when she released, it was like she glowed, and then peace washed over her. It was the most amazingly stunning thing I’ve ever witnessed. I’ve been with a few women in my life. A man has needs. But they were faceless few who meant nothing but a means of satisfaction. After my near death experience and the vision of Saige, there were no more women in my life. None could compare even though I hadn’t met her yet. Unbeknownst to her, she’d taken my heart and given me my life back. For without her, I’m not sure I would have fought as hard as I did to come back. I knew in my soul she was out there somewhere waiting for me.
All this thinking makes me feel even more caged in. Grabbing my keys, I lock up and jog to my car. With every light, every passing car, and every rev of gas, my inner turmoil haunts me. You’ve put her in danger by being with her, yet you go back for more. I know my conscience is right but I can’t help myself. She’s more than a drug that I can’t get enough of. She’s the missing piece to my soul.
Driving past her house, I go to the end of the street, turn around in the cul-de-sac and park five houses down from hers along the curb. The moon is behind the clouds, giving a shadowy effect. As some pass over it, there’s a flicker of light then more clouds move in front. Other than that her house is dark, only the large trees in the front yard that sway in the light breeze, and the street light, casts shadowy bits of light over it. I close my door quietly, locking my car, and walk up the street. I’m constantly aware of my surroundings, making sure there’s no one watching me as I make it to her yard and walk to the back gate. It creaks when I open it, causing my eyes to shift all around. I’m shielded by the darkness in her backyard, the whole time I’m thinking I need to talk to her about that. It’s not safe without any lights on back here. When I get to the back door, I pull out my wallet, taking out my tool. As I unlock the door, I’m reminded to install a buddy bar so that unwanted people can’t do what I just did. The house is deathly quiet, with no pets to alert her of an intruder. A dog might be in order, something to howl and bark at anyone who might break in. A security system also pops into my head. I may have to get one when I get back and install it for her. I keep making mental lists as I walk to the one place I know she’ll be. When I enter through the doorway, I’m astounded at what I see. When a trace of the moonlight flickers in through the slits of her blinds, it casts just enough light to see a body completely covered but toes sticking out from beneath. Normally, that wouldn’t be strange but the toes are on her pillow instead of where they should be, at the foot of the bed. I kick off my shoes where I stand, pull my shirt over my head and lay it on a chair as I take a few steps towards the bed. Next, I unbutton and unzip my jeans, pulling then down and off, kicking them over by the chair. When I’m next to the bed, I lift the covers from the end of the bed, uncovering long dark hair partially hanging off the side of the mattress. How did she get in this position?
I change tactics and move to her toes, pulling the covers down until she’s completely exposed. She’s wearing a short nightgown with thin straps. I take her in. Letting my eyes feast on her for a moment. Her long hair is laid out beside her. Her arms laying in front of her and one of her legs is bent underneath her while the other is stretched out. I can tell by the covers on the other side of the bed, she’s been restless, wondering if this is how she normally sleeps. Not with me. It dawns on me that when I was here twice before, she slept in my arms all night, never stirring. Maybe I do help her in some small way.
I bend over her, put my arms under her legs and back, lifting her effortlessly. Her head rests against my chest as I carry her around to the other side of the bed, lifting the covers and laying her down. I climb in beside her then slide my arm under her shoulders and pull her to me. Unconsciously, she puts her arm over my waist, snuggling her head into my chest. I still when I hear her let out a small sigh, hoping I didn’t wake her. My cock wants her to awaken. I’d love nothing more than to be buried inside her but she doesn’t sleep well, about as well as she eats. Now’s not the time for me to be selfish. My wants. My needs. The only thing I need is to be close to her. It will take everything I have in me to be away from her tomorrow. Everything. Whether she wants me to or not, I’ll always be here for her, no matter what. Being close to her only puts her in danger. I won’t let anything stand in the way. I’ll do anything to protect her.
13
I awoke to another great night’s sleep and in the normal position in bed. So strange for me. I dreamt that I was in his arms, feeling safe and cherished. It made me not feel so alone. I move to roll over to see the time when I feel something on my arm, and I smile as it makes the now familiar crinkle sound. My eyes snap open. Could it be? I reach over and pick up the piece of paper that looks as though I’d been sleeping on it. Holding my breath, I read it, thinking of the movies and romance novels I’ve read about a guy writing the girl a “Dear John” note when he’s leaving her. Instead, I smile as my eyes take in each letter, each word. I’m still smiling as I run my finger over the writing, visualizing him taking a pencil to this paper and writing this to me.
I hold you in my arms.
You gave me the air I needed to breathe.
You are my oxygen.
You’ll never be alone again.
I’ll miss you while I’m gone.
Only for 1 day. Please eat!
I didn’t dream him. I’m the air that he needs to breathe. Does he realize he’s my air? How does he know how alone I feel? Is it that obvious or is he just that perceptive? I’ve not told him I have don’t have any family and my best friend is so far away. Why do I feel as if he knows me better than I know myself? Why do I suddenly feel alone again, knowing he’ll be gone for a day? My eyes snap to the clock on Dad’s nightstand. Five after five o’clock. Quickly, I throw off the covers and hurriedly take a shower. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to the nursing home before Dax leaves on whatever this business trip is. Still so mysterious. Is it that he doesn’t trust me enough to tell me or that I won’t approve? Or is it that he’s protecting me from something?
Once I’ve done all my bathroom things and have gotten dressed, I race to the kitchen, throwing a ton of fruits and snacks into a plastic bag. Dad told me yesterday he wanted fruit. He has never been a big fruit eater so I’m wondering if he has a vitamin deficiency. I better speak with Dr. Turner about that while I’m there. It doesn’t take me long before I’m pulling into the parking lot at St. Mary’s, anxiousness overtaking me at the thought I might miss seeing Dax again before he leaves. Why does he have this effect on me, not even knowing him for that long? Not even knowing him really at all. I know he cares about me, can feel it in his touch, the way he looks at me, as if I’m a dream that will dissipate. I already feel like I’m living in a dream, or maybe it’s a nightmare, the outlook for Dad and my future without him guts me every time I think about it.
I walk inside, my pace quickening as I pass the front desk. “Saige.” I stop and turn around when the director of the nursing home, Ella, walks around the counter quickly. I try to put on a smile, not wanting to talk with her right now, knowing I could miss seeing Dax. My heart races with anxiety as she stops before me. “I’m so glad I saw you come in. You’re here rather early today.” This I know and there’s an important reason for that. “I need you to fill out another form for me and then we’ll have your dad sign it.” Now? “I apologize for asking at such an early hour but it’s imperative that this is taken care of as soon as possible.” She smiles and I can only nod. I follow her to her office and sit down in the chair in front of her desk. She walks around and sits down, pulls open a drawer from the cabinet behind it and lays down a manila folder on the wooden surface. I see Dad’s name written on it. Harry Lloyd Benton. I know that having a file in the hospital doesn’t mean any ill fate but seeing his file here, knowing what will happen in the end, makes my heart heavy. She opens the file then looks
up at me as she picks up a piece of paper and hands it to me over her desk. “He wanted this done quickly. Said he knows what his future holds and he doesn’t want you to have to worry about doing anything.” So like Dad but so final already. I’m not ready for any of this.
I take the paper from her and look down at it, swallowing hard. It’s a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) form that Dad’s already signed, his legible signature on the bottom line. I swallow hard, trying not to tear up in front of her, trying not to think about what this means.
“He wants to save you from having to make any decisions. This is your copy to take to his lawyer. He informed me you had an appointment with him today but I wasn’t sure what time.”
I nod and stand, folding the paper and tucking it in my back pocket. “Thank you,” I whisper, my emotions choking me. I turn and leave the room and head towards his room, hoping to find him in a better mood than what I was just put in. I hope Dax is in there doing Dad’s physical therapy. I need him right now. I make it to Dad’s room, slightly out of breath, feeling anxiety ridden. My heart sinks when I walk into the room and Dax isn’t there. He’s already left. What I do find warms my heart. Dad is sitting in the recliner, dressed and apparently showered. The TV is turned on and he’s glued to it. Memories. He finally tears his eyes away from the screen and smiles as he looks at me.
