Holding On

by Lisa Mills

  She didn’t look back, didn’t bother to look into his face for any sign of remorse or repentance for his harsh words. There wouldn’t be any. She just did what he wanted her to, and did it as quickly and efficiently as possible. That was what he expected. Giving him anything less would only increase his wrath and bring her more pain.

  She’d learned that lesson the hard way too many times before.

  ~ ~ ~

  “I’m gonna be sick, Mommy!” Trevor’s plaintive wail came a second too late for Danielle to react. She lunged for the waste basket and tried to get it under his mouth, but the damage was already done. He cringed and turned away from the sour smell of the vomit he’d spewed down the front of his pajamas and onto the bedding.

  “It’s okay, Trevor. Grammy has lots of sheets and you have fresh jammies in the bathroom waiting for you. We’ll get you cleaned up.”

  Danielle turned to call for her mother, but she was already there with a wet towel in hand. She stepped right into the fray, dabbing at the bile on Trevor’s chin, then working her way down the front of him, getting the worst of it off his clothes. Despite the unpleasant smell, she didn’t so much as wrinkle her nose. “You’ll be good as new.”

  When his clothes were clean enough not to drip on the floor, Danielle helped him from the bed and ushered him to the bathroom. Sitting on the edge of the tub, she helped him out of his soiled pajamas and gave him a quick sponge bath. They’d gotten good at this routine over the last few months, and it went quickly. Dressed in clean clothes, he let Danielle carry him back to his bed.

  While they’d been in the bathroom, Danielle’s mother had stripped the bed and put on new sheets. She was changing the last pillowcase when Danielle placed Trevor back in bed. She’d resisted coming home and accepting her parents’ offer to move in with them, but today, in this moment, she was grateful for the extra set of hands to meet the challenges of nursing Trevor after a treatment. Caring for him was much easier with two people working together or trading off tasks.

  After Trevor was tucked in bed and the waste basket positioned in a more accessible location, Danielle’s mother turned toward the pile of soiled linens.

  “I’ll get it, Mom. I was planning to go down to the kitchen for a drink anyway.”

  “Oh, good. Then I get to stay with Trevor.” Grammy Karen offered Trevor a brilliant smile, as if sitting at his bedside waiting to mop up his puke was a huge honor. Danielle had to admit her mother was very good at the sickbed thing.

  Her mom sat in the rocking chair they’d moved into his room—so that one of them could keep vigil and be comfortable doing it—and hummed a gentle tune. Danielle gathered up the sheets, then stopped in the bathroom to add his pajamas and the towels they’d dirtied. Trying not to breathe through her nose, she made her way downstairs and shoved everything into the washing machine.

  As she searched the refrigerator for a bottled water, the doorbell rang. She didn’t want her mother to leave Trevor’s side, and her father had shut himself in his office. “I’ll get it,” she called to no one in particular. She abandoned the refrigerator and headed for the front door, hoping she wouldn’t have to deal with a kid on a fundraising mission or a zealot peddling religion house-to-house. She didn’t have the patience for that today.

  She opened the door and found herself staring into a face from her past, one she had hoped never to see again. Deep longing and raw pain sprang up inside her and warred for control of her reaction. She gripped the doorknob, fighting the shaky feeling that suddenly swept through her.

  “Dani.” He was breathing heavy, as if he’d run all the way to her doorstep.

  Her knees went weak. This couldn’t be happening. She closed her eyes and drew a deep breath, hoping she was imagining him. But when she opened them, he was still there in all his heartbreaking glory.

  “Dani, it’s me, Kevin.”

  “I … I know.” Kevin Sutherland. Love of her life. Father of her child. Breaker of her heart. Time had only improved his looks, carving masculine lines into his jaw and adding depth to his warm brown eyes. His dark chocolate hair, once worn long to spite his father, was now cropped into a short, businesslike style, but still with a bit of wave that would turn into soft curls when it grew out. He smiled, revealing the dimples she’d so loved.

  “How have you been?” he asked, his voice tender, almost reverent.

  “O-okay, I guess.” She braced herself against the onslaught of memories and feelings that buffeted her. Trembling, she eased halfway out the door, leaning a shoulder against the frame for support.

  “I can’t believe I found you. You’re really here.” He pulled his fingers through his hair and stared at her, as if awestruck. He wasn’t quite shaking, but maybe vibrating was the word to describe it. Invisible waves of energy rolled off him and swept her, unwilling, into his current.

  Danielle held herself very still, feeling like a cornered animal unable to escape. “How did you know I was here?” she asked.

  His rich brown eyes drank in her every move. He didn’t look away or blink, as if he feared she might disappear if he did. “I work with Nicki. She mentioned that she saw you at the park.”

  “Nicki?” He was so close, and his cologne … it was the same scent he’d worn back then. Her head felt light, and a buzzing sound was making it hard to hear. She clutched the door handle tighter and took deep breaths.

  “It’s a small town, you know. People talk. An old high school classmate moving back home is always a topic of interest.” His voice was slightly deeper, and more velvety than she remembered. She hardened herself against the reaction it stirred.

  And then something he’d said penetrated the fog in her head. “You work with Nicki. So does that mean you live around here?” Had he been that close all this time?

  “Yeah, of course.” He looked at her as if his revelation should mean something to her, but she wasn’t sure what he was getting at.

  Irritation swept through her. She didn’t care what he meant, and she wasn’t going to let him drag her into another painful personal drama. A deep well of long-suppressed anger burst free, thrusting up inside her like a geyser. She didn’t fight it. She embraced it, surrounded herself with it, molded it into a shield around her heart. “Why did you come?”

  He took a step backward at her tone, his expression turning uncertain. “I had to see you.”

  “You should have called. It’s not a good time right now.”

  Hurt flashed through his eyes but he didn’t cower and run. “I’ll come back. When would be a good time?”

  “Eight years ago.” The words, full of venom, slipped out before she could filter them.

  A look of agony ripped across his features and his words came out in a rush. “I wanted to be here, Dani. I really did, but some things happened that I couldn’t control—”

  She held up her hands, stopping his flow of words. “Just forget it, Kevin. It’s in the past.”

  “But I want to explain. You deserve at least that much. Can we talk about it?”

  She shrugged, keeping a tight hold on her indifference. “No explanation needed, Kevin. Really. You left. I dealt with it. I moved on. End of story.”

  His gaze swept the floorboards, lips pressed into a tight line. He darted another pleading look her direction. When she didn’t yield, he stared at the porch floor. He spoke so quietly, she wasn’t sure she was meant to hear it. “It wasn’t the end of the story for me.”

  Danielle blinked hard and swallowed the ball of emotion choking her. She had to keep her walls up, not give him any chance to penetrate the safe cocoon she’d created for herself in the wake of the destruction he’d wreaked in her life.

  He looked up, fierce determination burning in his eyes. “What about the baby?” he asked.

  A hole opened up in her stomach. Of course, he’d want to know, but she didn’t want to tell him.

  He’s none of your business! She wanted to spit the words at him, to vent the full impact of her fury on him, to drive
him away with such vehemence that he would never come back. Trevor was her child and hers alone. She’d shouldered the responsibility for him without help from anyone. She’d been his sole parent, his only provider. She wasn’t about to give up any control of her child to a fair-weather father who was only around if it was convenient for him. Kevin had his chance and he’d abandoned ship. Let him live with the consequences.

  She drew a breath, ready to let him have it, when the voice of reason penetrated her anger. Reason’s voice sounded incredibly like Dr. Franklin’s when it reminded her that “Finding your son’s father could save his life.” She exhaled loudly, the desire for revenge faltering. She couldn’t run Kevin off completely. If she wanted to save Trevor, she needed Kevin to get tested to see if he was a possible donor. But she wasn’t ready to talk about it all right now. She needed time to plan what she would tell him, to figure out how to ask for the favor without giving more information than necessary and without giving up any of the control she now had over the situation.

  “I can’t talk to you now, Kevin. Let’s meet somewhere tomorrow and we’ll discuss some things.”

  “Yes. That’d be great.” A slight smile softened his lips and his chin notched up a fraction. She realized he thought she’d conceded to his earlier request.

  You haven’t won! she wanted to scream. I’m only using you, just like you used me. “Tomorrow then, after dinner … say seven o’clock.”

  He nodded. “Where? Here?”

  “No!”

  His eyebrows shot up at her instant denial, but she didn’t want him here, where he might catch a glimpse of Trevor. How much had Nicki said to him? Did she mention Trevor had been at the park that day too? Did he suspect that Trevor was his son? She hated not knowing what he knew, but she couldn’t ask.

  “Cook’s Pizza?” he suggested.

  “Someplace private.”

  “My house?”

  She glared at him. “Absolutely not.”

  He spread his hands wide and shrugged. “Then you decide.”

  Yes, she would decide, and he would agree. He might as well get used to that scenario, because she intended to call all the shots. His life would not intersect with hers or Trevor’s unless she agreed to it, and he’d follow any guidelines or limitations she put on him. “The park, the one with the sledding hill and the splash pad. There are gazebos and picnic tables spread around the area. We should be able to find someplace to talk without being overheard.” And there would still be people around—on the walking path, playing in the field—so she didn’t have to worry about being alone with him.

  “I’ll be there.”

  “Okay.” A long silence stretched out between them. Danielle gritted her teeth, refusing to ease the growing tension by speaking.

  Either Kevin didn’t notice the awkwardness or he didn’t care. He studied her, his expression earnest, asking for something that was beyond her comprehension. “You look great, Dani. You don’t know how good it is to see you again.”

  What was she supposed to say to that? She didn’t know, so she just stared at him.

  When he realized she wasn’t going to respond, his shoulders slumped and he turned toward the steps. “See you tomorrow.” In moments he was in his car, pulling away from the curb.

  Danielle followed the retreating tail lights down the street until they disappeared around the corner. Slowly, she backed into the house, closed the door, and leaned against it. She should be thrilled that Kevin had found her. She could ask him to get tested, and maybe, if he was a match, Trevor could get his transplant and beat the leukemia.

  Kevin could be the answer to her biggest problems. So why did she feel like she was about to walk into a mine field?

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The three young mothers who sat on benches around the splash pad turned to eye Danielle as she pulled into the gravel parking area. Obviously deciding she wasn’t someone of interest, they went back to monitoring their children and chatting amongst themselves. Picnic coolers and beach towels were scattered among the weathered picnic tables in the pavilion nearby as several families finished up dinner in the park and enjoyed the last weeks of summer vacation.

  Danielle sat in her car and scanned the wide expanse of green, looking for a place to meet with Kevin where they would not be overheard or interrupted. At the far end of the park, a group of kids ran up the sledding hill, then lay on their sides and rolled down, laughing and squealing with delight. In the field between Danielle and the hill, some teenage boys threw a football around while a group of girls sat on a blanket nearby, talking and braiding flowers into each other’s hair. Joggers dotted the paved walking path that circled the park, some in pairs, some alone, all moving at their own speeds.

  Her eyes came to rest on the only place that was unoccupied at the moment—the little gazebo to the left of the parking lot. A swing hung from the rafters of the little structure, but not the typical porch swing. It had two benches facing one another with a little platform between them. Danielle had seen smaller versions on children’s swing sets. She sighed. The setting looked cozy and intimate, not the kind of place she wanted to meet Kevin, but it was the only real option at the moment.

  She pushed open her car door and stepped out into the warm evening. Overhead, thick white clouds chased across the sky, a few of them taking on some rosy hues as the sun fell lower in the western sky.

  As she started toward the gazebo, the sound of another car pulling into the lot made her heart quicken. She cast a glance over her shoulder and confirmed that it was him. Their eyes met through his windshield, sending an electric sizzle through her nerves. She turned quickly away and continued to walk across the thick green lawn toward the gazebo.

  The wooden framework of the swing creaked as she stepped carefully onto the platform between the two floating benches. She chose the one on the left and sat sideways on it, stretching her legs out so that Kevin could not sit beside her, nor would she have to face him directly if he sat across from her. Pleased with her maneuvering, she glanced back to the parking lot and studied Kevin as he approached. He wore faded jeans, the kind that are soft and worn from frequent use. A red t-shirt stretched across his broad shoulders and tapered down his flat stomach. He lifted a muscled arm and shaded his eyes with his hand, smiling his brilliant smile at her.

  She braced herself against the effect he had on her. This wasn’t a personal visit and she wasn’t going to let him turn it into one. She didn’t intend to pose any personal questions, like what he did for a living or how he spent his free time. It was her hope that he’d take the hint and allow her to maintain her privacy too. He could donate some blood cells without getting too nosy.

  He reached the gazebo and stepped into the shade it offered. He looked down at her, expectant, as if waiting for her to greet him. “You look nice,” he said, finally, the first to break the silence.

  She reached down and tugged the length of her sundress more tightly around her legs. She’d worn the dress because it was one of the few clothing items in her closet that was clean and unwrinkled … or so she’d told herself. But seeing the appreciative look in Kevin’s eye, she admitted that her motives in choosing her clothes might not have been based purely on function and convenience. Even so, she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging the compliment.

  “Have a seat,” she said, waving at the bench across from her.

  Moving with the agile grace she remembered, he stepped onto the platform and lowered himself to the bench, only barely rocking the swing.

  They stared at each other. Kevin’s warm brown gaze drew her like a magnet, and she found herself scrambling not to get sucked in to his pull. “You surprised me yesterday,” she blurted out, looking away so his eyes couldn’t twist her stomach into knots. “I didn’t know you lived around here.”

  “If I’d known how to contact you, I would have told you years ago.” Regret flowed through his tone.

  A gust of hot wind blew her hair into her
face. She reached up and smoothed it back behind her ear. “Well, I was planning to start looking for you anyway, so I’m glad you dropped by. I need a favor.”

  Kevin leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. The swing shifted lightly beneath them. “Anything.”

  She drew a deep breath, and like she’d done as a child standing on the highest diving platform at the community pool, she didn’t think about what she was doing. She just jumped. “You asked about the baby. His name is Trevor, and he’s almost eight years old.”

  Kevin simply stared at her. He seemed frozen, not even breathing, but then a ragged exhale broke the stillness. He lowered his face into his hands and drew a few deep breaths as he ingested the news she’d just delivered. Danielle turned away, letting him have a moment of privacy, and studied the kids playing football in the field.

  “A son,” he whispered. “We have a son.” She turned back to him and saw his lashes were damp, his eyes a little red.

  She nodded, but didn’t comment.

  “Is he … here in town with you?” he asked, hesitantly.

  “He is.” She swung her legs off the bench and rested her feet on the floorboards next to his. “The thing is, we came back here because of that new hospital over in South Bend. Faith Children’s Hospital. Heard of it?”

  Kevin shook his head. “Not really. Do you work there or something?”

  Danielle looked him square in the eye, making sure he was paying very close attention as she explained this next part of the situation to him. “No, Trevor is undergoing treatment there for his leukemia.”

  His body jerked, as if he’d been shot, and his face twisted in disbelief. “Leukemia? He has cancer?” He leaned back against the bench and ran his fingers through his hair, staring at the beams of the gazebo as if he’d find comfort there.

  It was a lot to ingest all at once. Congratulations, you have a son, and by the way, he’s dying. Danielle almost felt sorry for him. Almost.