Holding On

by Lisa Mills

  “Is that what he wants?” Janna asked.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t asked him. I don’t plan to.” The thought of sitting down and talking with him, digging up the past and laying it out for discussion, unlocking all the painful memories she kept carefully buried, made her tremble deep inside.

  “Aren’t you curious what happened? Why he didn’t come back for you? What he feels about you and Trevor now?”

  No! She wasn’t. She couldn’t let herself go there or the pain might overwhelm her and steal what bit of joy and peace she’d carved out of the cold, cruel world for herself. Even now it welled up in her chest, threatening to consume her if she didn’t keep it locked away. “Janna, that path in my life was over and done. I’d written Kevin out of all the possible scenarios for my future. Trev and I moved on with our lives and worked things out without his help. We were happy. And now, here he is, intrusive and demanding and—” A sob choked off the words.

  “Scary?” Janna finished for her. “It must be hard to face him again, after all the hurt and pain he caused you.”

  Tears dripped down Danielle’s cheeks. She reached for the tissue box and dabbed them away. “It’s not easy, but there’s more to it than that. What if he wants Trevor?” she asked, her words a shaky whisper. “What if Kevin gets to know his son, and he loves him as much as I do? What if he wants to share custody? He could even try to take him from me. My goodness,” she gasped, “he’d have a wonderful case. I don’t have a home, or a steady job, or any money.”

  The business card Kevin had given her sat on the corner of her desk, and she reached for it. “He works for one of the big RV companies in town. His card says he’s a salesman … probably makes a big fat salary, and if he has a house of his own, then he’s one up on me. How can I compete with that?”

  Janna’s voice was cool and calm in contrast to Danielle’s near panic. “Do you really think he’d do that? Do you think he’d try to take your son away from you?”

  “I don’t know what he’d do. That’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t know what he wants from us.”

  “The only way you’re going to find out is if you ask him. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to go away. And this is his son, Danielle. He may not have done right by the two of you all those years ago, but he’s part of your lives, whether you like it or not. Maybe it’s better to face him head on. Find out what he wants, and talk it through.”

  “That’s easier said than done.” Just thinking about the prospect made Danielle sick to her stomach. She had so much to lose, and the sting of loss and rejection had left a deep welt on her soul. She wasn’t sure she’d survive that kind of hurt again.

  “So what else is new? Have you started working?”

  The change of subject was welcomed. Danielle relaxed as she told Janna about the Demseys and the work they’d given her. “In fact, I’m just about finished with the first project they gave me. I hope to take it by their studio tomorrow and see if they can give me another job to work on.”

  “That sounds like an ideal arrangement for you. Living with your parents, you don’t really need full-time work.”

  “And I couldn’t handle that much anyway. Caring for Trevor takes too much time, even with Mom doing half.”

  “How are the living arrangements working out?”

  “Okay most of the time. There’s been a few conflicts, but nothing we can’t handle.” She clamped her lips together in a tight line and refused to say more. She’d never shared the details of her unhappy childhood with her best friend, and she didn’t want to get into it now.

  Janna was quiet for a moment, waiting for more information. When Danielle held her silence, Janna moved on. “Have you made any friends?”

  “Not really.” Danielle sighed. “I’ve been too busy with Trevor to get out.”

  “You need friends, Dani-girl. I’ll always be here for ya in the phone-a-friend role, but you need a support system, especially when you’re going through tough times like you and Trevor are facing.”

  “I know.” The loneliness and isolation felt more acute after talking with Janna. She didn’t have anyone in her life she could call a friend, at least not one close enough to hug her when she needed it. Janna had always been good for that. “I’m not good at making conversation with people I don’t know very well.”

  “Just be yourself. You’re a lot of fun when you relax and stop worrying.”

  “Oh, thanks,” she said sarcastically. “So does that mean when I’m tense and anxious I’m a total dud? That makes me feel better.”

  Janna laughed. “You know what I mean.”

  “Yeah, I do.” Danielle smiled into the receiver. “Brandon’s wife, my sister-in-law, seems really sweet. Maybe I’ll call her, see if she wants to get coffee or something.”

  “Good idea.”

  “Yeah, I think so.” In theory anyway. But she wasn’t convinced that anyone would ever replace Janna. “Well, I hate to say goodbye, but I have to watch my minutes on this phone.”

  “It’s time to start dinner anyway, but I’m glad you called.”

  “Me too. I miss talking with you.”

  “Call if anything changes with Trevor, and tell him Cory says hi.”

  “Will do.”

  “Talk to you later, hon.”

  “Bye.” Danielle clicked off her cell phone and stared at the business card in her hand. Janna was probably right. Kevin wasn’t going to disappear anytime soon. She’d have to deal with him eventually, but not today.

  She opened her desk drawer and shoved the card in a back corner where she wouldn’t have to look at.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Danielle pulled up to the coffee house and parked alongside the curb. She’d finished grocery shopping and had a few minutes to spare before her appointment with the Demseys. A cup of flavored coffee sounded like a good way to spend the time. Since she was bringing in some income, she didn’t feel too guilty buying an occasional cup of gourmet brew.

  The rich aroma of coffee beans filled her senses as she stepped through the door of the shop. Earthy paint tones on the walls wrapped the place in warmth and gave it a cozy feel. People were scattered around the seating area, some at tables, some sitting in the overstuffed chairs and sofas that made up small seating arrangements in the corners. Danielle spotted one person with a laptop surfing the Internet. Another sat alone, engrossed in a novel.

  Danielle smiled, liking the feel of the place. It made her want to sit down and relax for a quiet moment or two before she returned to the relentless demands of her life. She walked to the granite counter and looked over the menu board mounted on the wall. A smiling young barista in a red apron stepped up to take her order.

  “I’ll have a caramel latte, please.”

  “Sure thing.” The girl grabbed a cup from the stack and began preparing the drink.

  Danielle scanned the counter and spotted a tray of thick chocolate chip cookies for sale. They looked soft and chewy, making her mouth water. “And one of those too.”

  The girl smiled and transferred one to a plate for her.

  Danielle paid for her treats and found a couch in a quiet corner. Traffic on the street flowed by the big picture window beside her, creating an ever-changing panorama of colors. She’d just bit into her cookie when someone sat down on the couch beside her.

  “Hi, Dani.”

  The sound of his voice sent a shot of heat through her veins. She could feel her cheeks burning as she turned and looked him over. Kevin wore blue jeans and a white t-shirt that fit snug around his biceps. The muscles in his arms flexed as he lifted his coffee mug to his lips. As always, he exuded that indefinable charm that drew her … and frustrated her.

  “Shouldn’t you be at work?” she asked with a frown.

  His eyes twinkled, as if her irritation amused him. “Nope. Just got off a plane. I was out of town on business all weekend, so I get the rest of the day off.”

  “Is this what you do in your spare time?” She wav
ed her hand, indicating the coffee house.

  He held up his mug. “Just needed some caffeine. I ordered it to go, but then I saw you sitting here.”

  “Am I supposed to feel honored?”

  He shrugged, a smile playing around his lips.

  She bit back a snarky comment and looked toward the door. Would it be rude to get up and leave now? She stared ruefully at her coffee. She’d ordered the drink for “here” so they’d put it in a ceramic mug, not a to-go cup. Her taste buds begged her not to abandon it, and her frugal nature couldn’t let a four-dollar coffee go to waste. She took a sip of the brew and rolled the flavors around on her tongue. Tasty. Definitely had to drink this one. She chose a magazine from the stack on the coffee table and started leafing through it, hoping he’d get the hint.

  “How’s Trevor?” he asked.

  Okay, maybe that hint had been too subtle, or he was too nosy to care that she didn’t want to talk to him. She was still fairly certain that his interest in Trevor was just a passing fad, and she didn’t want Trevor to get hurt when his father lost interest again. She phrased her answer carefully. “He’s fine. He has another chemo scheduled for tomorrow.”

  “Can I help with that? I could come by after work and give you a break for a few hours.”

  She shook her head. “You wouldn’t enjoy it, Kevin. It’s not fun.”

  His smile disappeared. “I didn’t think it would be.” His tone gave the impression she’d insulted him, and for some reason that made her feel guilty.

  She started talking fast to cover her unease. “It’s not necessary, Kevin. Mom helps me out, and it’s better if there’s less people around because of the whole lowered immunity thing. Exposure to germs and all that. Besides, I haven’t told him about you yet.”

  His eyes darkened, and the angles of his face hardened. “Why not?”

  The sharp edge in his tone caught her off guard. “Why not what?”

  “I’m his father, Danielle. I want to get to know him, and he deserves to know me.”

  She rolled her eyes and exhaled loudly. “In your opinion.”

  “Look, I’m trying to be patient here. I don’t want to push you, Danielle. I know better than anyone that I’ve created enough difficulties in your life, and I don’t want to add more. Nor do I want to expose Trevor to any health risks. But I talked to the doctor while I was at the hospital a few days back giving a blood sample. I asked a lot of questions, and I’ve been doing research online too. I understand a little more about what he’s facing.”

  Danielle stared at him, wondering where he was going with this heartfelt speech.

  “There’s a good chance that he’ll pull through this and live a long healthy life.” He paused, his eyes boring into her. “But there’s also a chance he won’t. What if the worst happens? What if we lose him? I need to meet Trevor and get to know him—now—while I have the chance. I don’t want to wait until a more convenient time, because there might not be one.”

  She started to protest but he cut her off. “I will accept any terms that you put on our visits. Name the time and the place, the activity, the responsibilities I have to take on, whatever. I accept. Just let me get to know my son.”

  She stared at him, hating him for speaking about the possibility of death aloud, hated that his fears so closely echoed her own. And she hated that she understood his desire to meet Trevor and that she actually agreed on a logical level, if not an emotional one. But it was all so unexpected. She didn’t know how to deal with the conflicting emotions he stirred. He was starting to act downright possessive which scared her senseless.

  “Why, Kevin? Why now?” She looked him in the eyes, daring him to give her a reason to change her mind about him.

  His expression firmed into lines of determination. “He’s my son, Dani, and although I’ve never met him, I find that I … well, I love him.” He swallowed hard and drew a slow, deep breath. “God forbid, but he could die from this leukemia, and I don’t even know what he looks like.” His voice broke and he turned away from her, his chest rising and falling faster than before.

  Guilt nudged her in the gut as she watched him struggle. Was it possible he really cared? She’d villainized him in her mind for so long, blaming him for every problem and heartache she’d suffered in the last eight years, that it was hard to think of him as anything other than a selfish, unfeeling jerk who’d abandoned her and his child like they were nothing more than unwanted trash. What if she was wrong, even a little bit? Could she live with herself if she kept Trevor from knowing a father who loved him? The only way to find out if he was sincere was to offer him a little bit of trust and see what he did with it. Problem was, her heart was so mangled that she didn’t know whether she could ever trust anyone again.

  Kevin stared into his coffee mug and rubbed the five-o’clock shadow on his jaw. In that unguarded moment, he looked sad and lonely, more vulnerable than dangerous. She groaned inwardly. Guilt was a bothersome emotion.

  Reluctantly, she set her cookie and magazine aside and rifled through her purse until she found her wallet. Opening it up, she slid her favorite picture of Trevor, one of him on the beach sitting behind a lopsided sand castle, out of her credit card holder. It was a pre-cancer shot. The sun had put a rosy glow on his cheeks, and his damp curls blew wild in the breeze. A smile lit his whole face, from chin to forehead. That had been a happy day, a memory she cherished.

  She held the photo out to Kevin. “Here.”

  He stirred, as if it took some effort to pull himself out of the melancholy thoughts running through his head. Slowly, he turned and looked at her, then followed the direction of her nod to the picture gripped in her hand.

  He stared at the photograph for a long moment, face sober and eyes searching. Then a look of recognition spread across his face, as if he knew the little boy he was looking at.

  Maybe somewhere in his heart he did, Danielle mused. Like that feeling she’d had when the doctor delivered Trevor and laid him on her stomach. Maybe a parent just knew.

  Feeling entirely too sappy and connected to Kevin at the moment, she cleared her throat, hoping to jar them both out of the uncomfortable tableau.

  “It’s for you. You can keep it,” she said, pushing it toward him again. She wished he’d quit looking so awestruck and just take it before she changed her mind.

  His hand shook a little as he reached to accept the gift. “Thanks.” He held it tightly with his fingertips and continued to study it, as if memorizing every line and every nuance in the image.

  Her hand free, she grabbed her coffee mug and took a sip. She tried not to stare at him as he stared at the picture, but her eyes were drawn back to him again. The captivated look on his face grabbed her, held her, made her rethink all her preconceptions. In short, it terrified her.

  Her cell phone rang, diverting her from the direction her thoughts had taken. She set her coffee cup down and dug through her purse until she found it. The caller ID showed her parents’ home number. “Hello?”

  “Danielle?” Her mother’s voice was breathless. “I need you to come home. Something’s wrong.”

  Panic sliced through her. “What is it?”

  “Trevor’s running a fever.”

  “Oh, no!”

  The doctors had warned her to watch him carefully, and to get him to the hospital if his temperature rose even a little. With their immune systems lowered from the chemotherapy, infection was the biggest risk to children with leukemia. “Pack a bag for the hospital. I’ll be home in ten minutes.”

  She threw her cell phone in her purse and jumped up. “I have to go,” she called to Kevin as she ran for the door.

  He hurried to catch her and managed to get to the exit first. “What’s wrong?” he asked, holding the door for her as she ran out of the coffee house.

  “Trevor’s sick.”

  There in the doorway, their eyes met for a brief second, and in that instant she saw more than she wanted to. His deep concern for his son. Longing to come
with her and see that the child got the care he needed. And hard-fought restraint keeping him from demanding or even asking it of her. It was the last of her observations that had the most impact. He would keep his distance and suffer in silence until he received an invitation to join his son’s life. He had that much honor in him.

  Something shifted inside her. Their shared love for Trevor swirled around them with a tangible force, invisible cords bonding them together, connecting them on a new level.

  She paused on the sidewalk, feeling his hurt, no longer able to harden her heart toward him and walk away. Fear at what she was about to do coursing through her veins, she glanced over her shoulder and asked, “Do you want to come?”

  He exhaled a sigh full of relief. “Yes. Thank you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Danielle’s tires squealed as she took the corner into the driveway too quickly. Kevin’s black Mercedes slid into the empty space along the curb just seconds behind her. Kevin met her halfway up the front porch steps.

  “Look, I haven’t talked to Trevor about you, so just keep it low-key. If he asks, I’ll tell him you’re my friend, and we’ll explain everything when he’s feeling better.”

  “Fine.” He held the door as she rushed inside.

  “Mom?”

  “In here, honey,” came from the living room.

  Danielle followed her mother’s voice and found Trevor lying on the couch, beads of sweat dotting his brow and upper lip. Despite the blanket that draped his legs, he visibly trembled. Danielle hurried to his side and put a hand on his brow. “The fever’s high. Did you take his temperature?”

  “Best I can tell, one hundred two,” her mother said, tearing up. “I don’t know what happened. He’s been here all morning watching television. When I checked on him and saw how rosy his cheeks were, he was already burning up.”