Armed and Outrageous (An Agnes Barton Mystery)

by Johns, Madison

  Get into trouble? He said it as if predicting I'd get in over my head. I'd be dammed if I'd let him know he might be right. “Sounds great.”

  “I want one like that too.” Eleanor pouted.

  “I think that’s an even better idea,” Andrew said. “Agnes, you look tired. I’ll take Eleanor home so you can get some rest.”

  Eleanor plopped into the single chair in the room. “I'm not leaving.”

  “Eleanor, you need to get some rest too. Besides when I get sprung, we’ll be pretty busy.”

  Eleanor clapped her hands. “I can’t wait.”

  “Andrew, could you go back to my house and water my plants, and don’t forget to feed my cat?

  “Your cat?”

  “Duchess, yes. Poor dear is probably out of her mind with me gone.”

  “I can only imagine.”

  I don’t want all my vegetables and flowers dead when I get out, either.”

  “As it happens, cats love me, and I have a green thumb, so yeah, I can do that.”

  Eleanor got off her ass and went willingly with Andrew, winking behind his back at me as if she had won him in a bake off. They walked out, and I was left to my thoughts, dark thoughts that involved a murder for hire plot. I felt certain that I could dig up something about Stella. This remained a small town, so how invisible could she be?

  Chapter Twelve

  I awoke and felt someone standing over my bed. I snapped my eyes open, and it scared the hell out of me. Sure I'm still at the hospital, but that didn't mean I was safe. Who knew what kind of security they had at St. Luke's hospital in Tawas. It was more of a Band-Aid hospital. I sure as hell knew it couldn't be a nurse, as they loved to flip the light switch on, and blast me with the fluorescent light that bored into my eyes, whenever they entered.

  “Shh.” I heard a male voice say. “It’s Kevin, Jennifer's friend. You’re the one asking questions about Jennifer Martin, right?”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  I heard footsteps walk toward my room, and stop outside my door as if listening. I held my breath until they walked away.

  “They’re looking for me.”

  “Who?”

  “The goons that beat me up.”

  “They’re here?”

  “Yes, I think they want to finish me off.”

  “Why?”

  “Not sure, I’m not sure about anything anymore.”

  “Calm down, Kevin.”

  “I only know one thing,” he cryptically replied.

  “What's that?”

  “If you don’t find Jennifer soon – she’s done for.”

  “You don’t think she’s been kidnapped.”

  “I think she may be laying low.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “Because the goons were looking for her.”

  “Maybe they work for her dad.”

  “Not sure, could be.”

  “Her dad said you got her pregnant last year. Is that true?”

  “That’s impossible.”

  “Last I looked, it's quite possible,” I countered.

  “No, you don't understand. We never even did it.”

  “Oh, I see... well that is a horse of a different color.”

  “Horse?” He coughed. “It’s not safe for me to stay here.”

  “How do I know you’re really Kevin?”

  “You don’t.”

  Footsteps retreated and by the time I located the light switch, he was gone.

  “Who in the hell was that,” I asked the silent room. “And why does he want me to think Jennifer is in hiding?”

  * * *

  Two days later, I was released from the hospital. Upon arriving home, I strode toward my garden, and just as expected, my plants looked to be about dead.

  I frowned in Andrew’s direction. “I thought you said you’d water my plants?”

  “I thought you meant the ones indoors.” He winked.

  If he thought putting on the charm would work, he was sadly mistaken. I stared into his eyes without blinking, and less than amused with his take on the situation. I spend every free moment maintaining a garden to die for, and he was making a mockery of it.

  “Sorry,” he muttered.

  “Sure.” I glared at him, “How were you to know how high maintenance my plants are?” I frowned. “I’ll just have to give them extra lovin’.”

  I walked to my cute little, barn-shaped shed and retrieved a watering can. I had a lattice archway to the right with a bench beneath as I hoped one day to sit out here in the evenings, but it wouldn't be tolerable enough until August. I kind of hoped Andrew would stick around long enough to join me one night.

  Stop it, Agnes. He doesn’t even see you in that way.

  I filled the watering can with rainwater reserved in a metal tub under my downspout. “My mama always said rainwater is best.” I nodded. “That way you know God himself had touched your plants.” I tried to sound believable without laughing.

  “Did God tell you to gather rainwater in buckets?” He smirked.

  “God speaks to me in ways you’ll never know.” My lip must be dripping blood by now, I thought, as I'd been biting down hard, trying not to smile. “Just like my mother’s words. She kept a yardstick over every door, and the ones she didn’t, she kept a hickory switch. I learned fast, always listen to mama. In those days, God spoke to me a lot! More than my sisters and brothers, I can tell you!” Now I laughed.

  His eyes widened for a moment, and I wondered if he had his own memories to reflect upon.

  I watered my plants and noticed the empty space reserved for my Mustang.

  “God damn it, they came back and finished poor Bessie off!”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Bessie?”

  “My car.”

  “You named your car Bessie?”

  “I always wanted a cow named Bessie, but I named a car that instead.” I wrinkled my nose. “I don’t really want to clean up cow poop.”

  Andrew’s facial expressions changed back and forth between bemusement and wonder, finally settling on a glare that asked, has she lost it completely?

  “God damn it!” I exclaimed.

  “Taking the lord’s name in vain.” He clucked his tongue. “I’m shocked, what would mama say?”

  I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction by responding. I opened my door and stopped him when I thought he would follow me inside.

  “Where the devil is my car?”

  “It’s down at the shop getting new windows.”

  “Thanks. I’m real tired, so you best be going home now.”

  “I’m being dismissed? If you want me to go, I will, after I check out your place.”

  I opened the door, but I didn’t want to. Fluttering in my stomach moved south. I didn’t know what to think.

  Duchess was in the middle of the living room, playing with a mouse, very much alive. When she saw me, she scrambled away, and the mouse scooted up the hallway.

  Now I knew Andrew had let her out because I'd caught the last mouse Duchess brought in.

  “Thanks Andrew, I so appreciate you looking after my cat. For the record, I don’t let her outside. Now I have another mouse to catch.”

  He didn’t respond. Andrew moved through my house and scanned the rooms, and I felt flushed when he walked into my bedroom. I think my bra and panties were still lying on the floor.

  He returned and glanced at his watch. “See you later. I’ll have the garage drop your car off when it’s done.”

  “Thanks. I really do appreciate all you've done, Andrew.”

  “No need... “

  I walked him to the door, and he turned one last time before leaving. “Nice panties.”

  I slammed the door shut behind him, but I could still hear his laughter through the door.

  “I can't let him get the best of me,” I said to Duchess. “He somehow manages to make a mockery of everything.”

  Duchess meowed loudly as if in total agreement, and I tried not to smile,
but couldn't help myself. “I bet he sure wondered why someone that dressed as conservative as me would wear such sexy frilly things.”

  I wondered that too sometimes.

  * * *

  I drove Eleanor’s car to her house. I had two choices, either call Andrew for a ride home later or have Eleanor drive me home. Only one may result in a multi-car collision.

  I walked inside and saw Eleanor huddled on her kitchen counter. The shattered remains of her sunflower canister set laid broken on the floor, flour and sugar spread out like a white inkblot against the colored tile.

  “What the?”

  I saw two green snakes slither by, and I jumped backwards on the sink. My ass sunk into the sink that happened to be full of soapy dishwater. I dropped my purse, and heard the contents scatter across the ceramic tile, setting off my lipstick vibrator. It rumbled across the floor and into the next room as if fearful of the snakes!

  Eleanor jerked her head up. “I should have bought one of those.”

  We both watched in shock, and I began to laugh so hard I snorted while Eleanor laughed so hard I feared she’d fall to the floor.

  I wiped the tears gathered in my eyes.

  “How in the hell did snakes get inside the house?”

  Eleanor was atop the opposite counter on her hands and knees. “It’s them squirrels’ fault.”

  Oh God, I was almost too afraid to ask. “Squirrels?”

  “I left the door open, and the furry fellows ran inside.” She grinned. “They seemed nice enough outside, but you should have seen them inside. As you can see, Chip 'n Dale made quite a mess, and they looked a bit rabid.” She paused. “I thought if I left the door open all night, they would run outside eventually. The snakes must've slithered in.”

  “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “I didn’t want to be a bother.”

  “Eleanor, you’re never a bother, you know that?”

  “But you just got out of the hospital.” She frowned. “Now what are we going to do, Aggie?”

  Eleanor acted like a child sometimes. She was prone to getting herself into trouble, and I was inclined to help her out. We really were a pair.

  “Where is your phone?” I asked.

  “Outside, I got so flustered yesterday that I barricaded myself in my bedroom.”

  I glanced down and spotted my cell phone lying on the floor. The back had come off, but I located the battery. “Problem one as I see it – there're snakes inside.”

  “Problem two?” She asked.

  “One of those snakes is slithering inside my purse.”

  “Figures.”

  “Go for your phone,” I suggested.

  “No way am I’m hauling my big ass out there to get it. I’m petrified of snakes.”

  “Wish I knew what kind of snake it was.”

  “What good'd that do? Even if it’s not poisonous, it may bite.”

  “Yeah, and being bit by a snake is not on the top of my bucket list.” I said.

  “I’m going for my cell.”

  “Are you nuts, Aggie? There’s a snake right under you.”

  “I don’t have a choice. I gotta go!”

  “Go? As in – “

  “Yes, damn it. I hafta peeeee!”

  I eased myself out of the sink and kept my eye peeled to the snake that was inside my bag. I could see its head poking out slightly, enjoying its newfound home. I decided to drop down behind it. When my feet hit the floor, I trembled, and waited, making sure the snakes hadn't moved.

  I jumped over my purse, gave it a kick, and grabbed my cell phone back and battery, but the snakes came toward me. I froze, and saw Eleanor jump off the counter, intent on belted them with a pancake turner. It was a battle to the finish. The snakes lurched upward, and Eleanor swatted them away.

  I jumped back on the counter and dialed Andrew’s number.

  “Hello, Andrew.” I paused and panted. “Please come to Eleanor’s house. We've gotten ourselves into a fix.” I dropped the phone. “Eleanor, get back on the counter!”

  She climbed back on the counter, and the snakes slithered just under her. “They are pissed,” she said.

  “You think?”

  “What did Andrew say?”

  “Nothing, I don’t think he had the chance. I dropped the phone again.”

  “Good going, Aggie.”

  “Don’t you have one of those lifelines?”

  “I forgot. It’s in the bedroom.”

  Five minutes later, Andrew ran through the door and scanned the room. I hung onto the handle of a cabinet door, and Eleanor was yet again on her hands and knees.

  He shook his head and walked outside, returning with a large stick. He wound the snakes around it one at a time and tossed them out the patio door on two trips. He pulled his cell phone out and began to take pictures.

  “I’m so putting this on Facebook,” He said and laughed.

  I twitched my lip. “Really?”

  Finished with taking photos, Andrew helped Eleanor and me down. “I’m not sure what happened in here, and I’m not sure I want to know.” He then walked into the living room and picked up something from the floor, ambled back toward me, and handed me the lipstick vibrator. “I think the battery is dead,” he smirked. This atop the panties of earlier had earned him a smirk.

  I got the broom while Eleanor made coffee, but Andrew took the broom from me. “You’re all wet. How long were you up there?”

  “I jumped into a sink full of water if you need to know, and now I need to pee.” I said while rushing down the hallway toward the bathroom.

  I would have felt mortified, but what’s the point. At my age, I cared less and less what people thought, and more about what I wanted for lunch. Aside from having to urinate, I was starved. I prayed Eleanor had something in this house to eat; if not, I was looking at a grocery run.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I hadn't thought Andrew would show up like some kind of superhero, although, I'd love to see him wearing a Batman outfit.

  Stop it Agnes.

  “Thanks Andrew, I appreciate your gallant efforts, but Eleanor and I need to get groceries today, and I'm sure you have better things to do than hang out with us.”

  “I'm game,” he winked.

  “Store will be packed.” I tried to dissuade him.

  “I hope not with gun toting seniors.”

  Eleanor beamed at Andrew, “Somebody's got to keep the peace.”

  Andrew squeezed Eleanor's shoulder. “You can be my backup any day.”

  “I have to freshen up before we leave,” I said while walking to the bathroom.

  I straightened my hair and smeared a layer of lipstick, reaching under my shirt and pulled the girls up, hoping Andrew would look at me differently for a change. So far I'd gather his impression of the mature Agnes was that of an outlandish fool, what with guns, goons, bait shops, and now snakes. Who my age has things happen like that? I chastised myself, thinking, Andrew doesn't even know I’m alive, yet he showed up when I called, and he did so promptly. Still, I felt sure he had no designs in me.

  I walked back into the kitchen, picked up my purse, and glanced inside. Not seeing any snake eggs, I put my things back inside and swung it over my shoulder.

  Andrew, broom in hand, froze mid-sweep. It surprised me that he knew how to push a broom, most men my age don’t.

  “We're really going shopping today?” Eleanor asked.

  “Yes, I need some groceries.”

  Eleanor moved and retrieved her purse with lightening speed. Was she afraid to be left out of anything no matter how small? Not that I’d call grocery shopping a small thing. It proved the closest thing to a social event in this town.

  “I’ll drive,” Andrew suggested.

  We walked outside together.

  Although I glared at him, I doubt he noticed my irritation. The “I’ll drive” reference irritated me a tad too much, but why did men always want to drive? Men never asked for directions, even if lost.

&nbs
p; He ignored me and opened the door to his silver Lexus LX.

  I moved toward the door, but he cleared his throat.

  “Eleanor should sit in front,” he said.

  Eleanor beehived her way to the open door and sat inside. “Thank you, Andrew,” she gushed. “I have never met such a gentleman before.”

  I grinned, despite wanting to smack Andrew. I didn’t understand his sudden pleasant attitude toward Eleanor. What’d happened while I was using the bathroom?

  I stood outside fuming, and waited until Andrew sat inside, and flipped the switch to unlock the door. Apparently, he wasn’t gentleman enough to open my door. That was fine with me. I could just as well open my own damn door. He’s trying to push my buttons, and he had better stop, I told myself.

  I listened to Eleanor rattle off directions while I slid in the backseat directly behind Andrew, and I gave him a kick through the seat for good measure. I know he felt it even though he didn’t react.

  Perhaps Andrew liked to show off his wealth by driving around in fancy cars. I rubbed my hand across the ivory, soft leather seat. It sure felt soft though, and my mind wandered a bit more. I imagined how it would feel to have the cool leather against my back while Andrew...

  Stop it!

  I spotted Andrew’s amused eyes that spied at me, reflected in the mirror, as he pushed a CD in. Classical music blasted throughout the LX, not one of my favorites. He looked very full of himself today. I felt tempted to push a shopping cart over his foot once we got into the store.

  When the Walmart chain store had first begun, the place did not carry food products whatsoever, but once they realized they could turn a coin doing it – they turned all their stores into a super shopper center. Now there was nothing in the way of food you could not find at Walmart.

  It was crowded in East Tawas. The tourist season had begun in unhappy sync with the local schools closing for the summer. The usual hope for more snow days was a pipe dream. Winter in East Tawas hadn’t been vile enough to support snow days this year, drat it!

  The parking lot consisted of a fair amount of spaces with an expanded handicapped section. I never minded the walking for a moment. I preferred it despite the pain. I never let a little pain get in my way. I’d muddle through somehow. I could always take an Ibuprofen later.