Armed and Outrageous (An Agnes Barton Mystery)

by Johns, Madison

  We drove to Robinson’s Manor, and I made my way inside with the ever present Eleanor in tow. When we walked through the dining area, I spotted Andrew and William eating breakfast.

  I lifted my head a notch and bravely approached the pair. “I’m sorry to bother you, Andrew, but I need your help,” I said. I hated that I had to ask for help, but sometimes it was necessary. I simply could not let the sheriff pin those murders on Eleanor or me or the two of us.

  Andrew looked up between bites of running eggs dripping off toast. “What do you need?”

  I eyed William then. “Well, they’re blaming me for Stella and Billy's murders. Me and El, in fact! How's that for lunacy?”

  “The way I hear it, Stella may've been raped before she was killed,” commented William, “and Billy was strung up by his own clothesline.” He chuckled loudly enough to draw attention. “The law actually thinks two old ladies could possibly do something like that?”

  “Yes, crazy huh?”

  Andrew wiped his face. “I’ll drive,” he said as he walked toward the exit with us following to his LX.

  “I feel bad enough that your LX was damaged the last time. We’re taking Eleanor’s car.” I led the way to the Cadillac. “You can’t hurt it worse than it already is.”

  “I don’t think I like the sound of that,” Eleanor said.

  “Oh fiddle-sticks, you know it’s true.”

  “You don’t have to be rude about it,” Eleanor huffed.

  I retorted, “Eleanor, you need to chill out.”

  El, never the one to be silenced when she was offended, replied, “You need to – “

  An explosion from a gun pierced the air, and Eleanor’s windshield exploded into deadly shards of glass that rained upon us like stinging pebbles.

  I gasped, jerked around, and scanned the area. Bushes hugged the property line, and although I had the feeling we were being watched, I could see no one. Whoever cracked a shot at us did it from the woods.

  “I guess we’ll be taking the LX after all,” Eleanor said. “Agnes, in the future, it might be a good idea not to suggest that my car can’t look any worse.”

  “Good point,” I said.

  “I think someone wants you both dead,” Andrew said in my ear, and I only now realized that he was shielding my body with his.

  I dusted myself off, and smiled. “Dead? Like that would scare me. We’re not far from death as it is.” I turned my head and saw faces pressed against the glass at Robinson's Manor dining area. The real old folks were trying to see what all the excitement was about, and who could blame them? I'd have been the first one at the window if I were in their shoes.

  Andrew called 911, and we waited for Trooper Sales to arrive.

  The trooper frowned when he saw the Caddy's windshield.

  “I suppose I did that too,” I said.

  “Did you see where the shot came from?”

  “No!”

  “If I had seen it coming, I would have ducked,” Eleanor gushed.

  “I should have known it’s not safe to go anywhere with you two,” muttered Andrew. “Hell, we hadn't even gotten out of the parking lot!”

  While all three of us victims were shaken, I managed to realize that Trooper Sales also appeared shaken. I imagined he was suppressing the urge to kill us. He raised an eyebrow. “Maybe I should place you two into protective custody.”

  I glared at him. “Let me guess, in a jail cell?”

  “It might keep you two out of trouble and alive... if that is in any way possible.”

  Andrew laughed. “Nope, I don’t think it is.”

  The trooper gave us the go ahead to leave, adding that we could pick up a copy of the police report later. It amounted to the basic same-o jargon the cops tell victims right before they head out. We piled into the LX and left for East Tawas.

  “I’m hungry, let’s stop at KFC,” Eleanor suggested.

  “Hungry? We just had breakfast,” I said.

  “That was hours ago, it's noon already.”

  I had forgotten how time flew when I was nowhere having fun. I enjoyed Andrew’s company despite yesterday’s harsh words, and from the look on his face, I felt reassured that he did too.

  We drove into the KFC parking lot and Eleanor lit out so fast I thought she was in a race.

  “What’s up with her?” Andrew asked.

  I shrugged. “Maybe she thinks they might be out of chicken, or that we might want to be alone.”

  He smiled at this. “Thoughtful dear, isn't she?”

  “As a matter of fact, yes, she is.”

  We made our way inside just as a loud commotion was in progress.

  “Lady, you forgot my biscuits,” a young man, standing at the counter shouted at the cashier, Ella Bates, in KFC attire and apron.

  “I did not forget any damn biscuits, child! I don't ever forget anything!” Ella's voice shook the room.

  She was well known as the biscuit Nazi, and that was not being mean, as it was the truth. Her large body was always pressed into a KFC uniform barely her size. She typically swept her gray hair into a bun covered with a hairnet.

  She usually worked in the back, so to see her out front manning the counter wasn’t good for anyone.

  “There isn't any biscuits in the bag you old hag!” the kid continued to shout.

  My mouth gaped open. He didn’t just insult Ella; he called her an old hag. “He’s plumb crazy,” I said to Andrew. “He obviously doesn’t know to whom he's speaking.”

  She came toward the counter. “So not only are you calling me a liar, but now you’re calling me old and a hag!”

  I nodded, thinking: old as the hills and ornery as shit.

  “Yes, an old hag. Old people just don’t have any business working in fast food. If there's one thing a senior can't do is move fast.” He looked around him, trying to rally support, but the crowd backed up. “You know I’m right. You probably never had a job your entire life and were married to someone who never worked either. If you don’t pay in any social security, you can’t collect any, you old bitch.”

  I shook, and got mad with every word he spoke, but it was like watching a car wreck, I couldn’t look away.

  “You probably lived on welfare all your life. That’s it. Give me my damn biscuits now!”

  “Oh, you want biscuits, I’ll give you some damn biscuits.” She picked up biscuits and began throwing them at the young man. One hit him in the eye.

  “Ouch! Hey, stop it, you old bitch,” he whined.

  She threw them harder still, and they seemed hard as hockey pucks the way the pimply-faced kid reacted when they hit him, raising his arms trying to fend off the attack.

  “You want some chicken with that?” She reached in the warmer, pulled chicken out, and threw them at him too. I never saw anyone throw so hard, or someone trying to dodge just as fast. He slipped and fell, but jumped up and ran out the door when he heard police sirens.

  I was so mad that I followed him. I knew it wasn’t a wise decision, but I couldn’t help myself. I told myself to stop, but I kept walking toward him.

  “Hey you!” I shouted. “How dare you say something like that to Ella? How dare you presume to know anything about her? She and her husband have worked their whole lives. They paid in plenty of social security, and she spends the majority of the money she gets on medication.”

  He flipped me off, and I was ready to give him a smack his mother obviously never did, but I was pulled backward. I whipped around and stared into Trooper Sales’ eyes. He didn’t look happy or amused. In fact, he looked pissed.

  “What do you think you’re doing confronting that man out here?”

  “He said some things to Ella that I just couldn’t let go.”

  He laughed. “I see, but from what I heard from dispatch, she kind of fueled his fire.”

  “He called her an old bitch and suggested things about her that weren't true.”

  “Maybe, but she made up for it when she pelted him with chicken and biscu
its.”

  “It sure is a waste of chicken and biscuits if you ask me,” Andrew said, followed by a pouting Eleanor.

  “They said it’d be twenty minutes before more chicken will be ready,” Eleanor whined.

  “For some reason, El, I think I've lost my taste for chicken or biscuits today. What about you, Andrew?”

  Andrew readily agreed, saying, “Tacos anyone?”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Andrew dropped Eleanor off and took me home. I had enough for the day, what with having Eleanor’s window being shot out and the fiasco at KFC. I was ready for some down time. Jennifer Martin's disappearance was never far from my thoughts, but at my age, there is only so much one can accomplish in a day before a body plain out gets worn down to the quick.

  When I walked into the door, Duchess began to wail, and I decided to feed her a can of tuna to make up for my neglect of late. I had forgotten I had spent the night at Eleanor's. So absorbed in worrying about Duchess was I that I failed to notice Andrew had followed me inside and parked on my sofa; that is until I turned around. It wasn’t that I felt unhappy he'd followed me in and made himself at home. No, it was just that I didn’t trust myself alone with him. Not anymore.

  Duchess scratched at the door, and I opened it, letting her out. What’s the worse that she could do? I’ve become used to the mice by now. We had an understanding, if I leave them some cheese – they stay out of my bedroom.

  Andrew patted the couch. I retrieved a beer for Andrew and a Hard Mike’s Lemonade for me from the fridge, and I settled next to him on the couch. I felt nervous as a schoolgirl which wasn’t much of a stretch since Andrew was the first man I had let past the front door.

  I flipped the television on and watched the news report warning the public not to leave their doors unlocked. “In this reporter’s opinion, it may also be best not to tell anyone you are old, because at KFC, there was an incident that will go down in the record books.” The newscasters laughed as cell phone footage of the incident was being run.

  Looking back, it didn’t seem so funny now. Even a biscuit Nazi had rights.

  Ella used to spend her days at the dock fishing, but since her husband fell ill, she was forced to get a job. She obviously missed fishing and took her job a little too seriously.

  I wouldn’t call her friendly, more of a brute, the kind of person you never messed with. One look from her could turn even the friendliest of people to stone.

  Andrew scooted himself closer, and I felt the urge to move away, but this was my house. I felt warm, but he made me feel hot.

  I turned to tell Andrew to leave, but his lips met my lips, and I allowed them to mesh with mine. I welcomed his tongue inside and got lost in the taste. Next thing I knew clothes were being ripped off, and we did it right there on the couch.

  I felt something poking me on the ass, and when I pulled it out I saw what I thought was one of Duchess’ cat toys.

  Hell no!

  I jumped up and heard a mouse screech at me, it then crawled back under the cushion. I yanked it up only to discover a nest of baby mice beneath.

  That goddamn cat needed to go. “Some cat I have,” I said.

  “I kind of like it,” Andrew said, grinning. “Puts a little adventure into the foreplay.”

  We walked into the bedroom where we made love like two starving beasts, and I fell asleep in Andrew’s arms. Nothing could hurt me, I felt safe.

  * * *

  I sat up and walked into the bathroom, I had no idea what time it might be. I hardly noticed Andrew missing until I encountered a man standing in my bathroom.

  “Hey there, remember me? You shot me in the ass.” The man was tall and thin, his dark skin and swarthy look made him appear menacing, or it could be the gun he held in his right hand.

  “No, no that wasn’t me.” I tried to stand my ground.

  “You know what I like about old bats like you?” he asked, laughing. “Nothing. I usually frown upon killing someone old like you, but I’ll make an exception for you.” He pointed the gun at my forehead. “Even my mum wouldn’t blame me.”

  Mum? Is he English? I recognized the accent. I inched forward, picked up my denture cup that was full of Efferdent, and threw the contents into his eyes.

  He screamed and shrank back.

  I limped into the bedroom and retrieved my fully-loaded, pink lady .38 from the bureau drawer. I saw a dark shape enter my bedroom, and I pulled the trigger. I saw Andrew’s face, a tad too late. He slumped to the floor. Behind him the man from the bathroom came lunging at me. I fired the gun, not once, but four more times, emptying the weapon.

  I flipped the lights on and saw I had hit Andrew in the arm. “You could have just told me I was that bad of a lay, you didn’t have to shoot me,” he said.

  I knelt down. “Oh Andrew, I’m so sorry.”

  He didn’t say a word, he had passed out and here I was holding the bag. I stepped over the other man that I hoped was dead, but then again I hoped not because Trooper Sales already thought me capable of murder.

  I never intended to kill anyone, I fretted.

  I called 911 for the second time today, and when the trooper showed up, I realized I had seen him a total of three times today.

  I stood waiting at the door, and as they approached, I stuttered, “I-I-I'm afraid I shot two men, one of them by accident.”

  I led the way to my bedroom. “Is he dead?” I asked, of the stranger.

  Sales checked his pulse. “Yup.”

  I stepped over him. “I think I winged Andrew. I thought he was the other guy – the intruder!”

  Trooper Sales rolled his eyes, taking in the fact that Andrew was quite naked. The sheet I had thrown over him didn’t hide the fact.

  “Was he that bad in bed?” Sales asked with a shake of his head.

  “That’s not near as funny as you think it is! The man I killed came here to off me. Andrew was on me! Well... not at the time of the shooting.” I struggled to take a breath, feeling flustered. “No, but he came for revenge! He said I shot him in the ass, but it wasn’t me, it was Eleanor.”

  “I’m afraid to ask.”

  “It happened at Roy’s Bait shop, the-the day they worked Roy over, I assume to get a lead on where Stella was.”

  “Why in hell didn't you tell me about this sooner?”

  “I-I just didn’t want to get Eleanor into trouble.”

  “I see arming the two of you may have been a mistake.”

  “Pooh, if I hadn’t had that gun, I’d be the one being taken out in a body bag!”

  Trooper Sales rubbed his head like it hurt, and I knew I wasn’t helping his headache a bit.

  “I’m sorry is all I can say,” I tried to placate him. “Maybe I should stay home tomorrow.”

  “I’d put my money on the fact that you won’t.”

  I didn’t smile. I just moved aside when the paramedics loaded Andrew onto a stretcher. I felt horrible that I had shot him, and hoped he would be okay. The medical examiner picked up the body, and I saw that I had quite the mess to clean up.

  Blood had pooled onto the wood floor, and I hoped this would be the last time. I dreaded thinking this may be the beginning of something much bigger. I felt a chain reaction coming, and I didn’t look forward to the outcome.

  * * *

  As soon as all the commotion was out of my driveway, I threw on some clothes and was on my way out the door when I saw Duchess far up a tree, and I tried coaxing her down, but she wouldn’t budge. I didn’t have time for her antics and left her tree-bound.

  I drove to the hospital, hoping I hadn’t injured Andrew too badly. I didn’t know anything about gunshot wounds, but it couldn’t be good. If I learned anything, it’s not to shoot until you are damn sure at precisely whom you are shooting at. I should've flipped the light on, but I didn’t want to make it too easy for the assailant.

  I arrived at the hospital, dialed William's number, and told him only that Andrew had been taken to the hospital.

&nb
sp; I informed the nurse I was there, and I nervously alternated between pacing and sitting in the waiting room until William arrived.

  William ran toward me, a frantic look on his face. “What happened?”

  “It was sort of an accident. An intruder broke into my house, and I went for my gun, and shot Andrew by accident. Actually, the jerk used Andrew as a human shield, but it was so dark... I just fired, and I'm so sorry!”

  “What happened to the intruder?”

  I shrugged. “I killed him. I had no choice, he came there to kill me.”

  “Did they identify him? Did you know the man?”

  “He’s one of the goons who roughed up Roy at his bait shop a while ago. I guess he wanted revenge.”

  My eyes shot up when a nurse approached. “You can come in now,” she said.

  We followed her into the emergency room, and I saw Andrew sitting on the edge of the examining table. He was laughing at something Dr. Thomas had said.

  “Lucky for Andrew you’re not that good a shot,” Dr. Thomas said.

  “Thank God for that,” Andrew agreed.

  “You just grazed his arm, he can go home. I’ll get the papers signed.” He nudged Andrew. “Be more careful, Andrew. Personally women with guns scare the hell out of me.”

  Andrew smiled. “It’s okay, Aggie, I know you didn’t mean to shoot me. The guy had me at gunpoint; used me to get at you.”

  “The intruder was one of the goons that jumped Roy at his bait shop, Andrew, and he left me no choice. I put four slugs into him.”

  “I suppose he's dead then?”

  “You bet, but I had no choice; he would've killed us both.”

  With his one good arm, Andrew pulled me into him for a hug. “Pretty obvious someone wants you dead, my girl.”

  “Will everyone quit saying that? I know someone wants me dead. They want me off this case, but I’m not about to quit.”

  “Yes, you are,” Andrew said.

  “No, I’m not, and it’s too late now. I do wonder how they know where I live. I mean if they aren’t from the area.”

  “I wondered that, too.”