The Unbelievable Mr Brownstone Omnibus 3

by Michael Anderle

“Nothing wrong with being predictable. It keeps shit simple overall. Why? You don’t want barbeque?” James’ gaze flicked to Alison, but she ducked and chuckled.

  He squared his shoulders. If his daughter wouldn’t back him, he’d have to win the battle himself. There were some things that were non-negotiable in life.

  “It’s fine.” Shay shrugged. “You’re doing the hard part by getting the supplier, so we might as well make it a very Brownstone wedding. I’m assuming you won’t have a huge problem if we have other food as well? We can ask on the invites if they want barbeque or something else.”

  James furrowed his brow. “Can’t we make the vegetarians bring their own food?”

  Alison and Shay both laughed.

  “I was thinking non-vegetarians who don’t like barbeque,” Shay explained. “Such people exist, you know. And I want at least some fancy food at this thing.”

  “You can have pizza at the wedding if you want, too.” James grunted. “I don’t care. Get all the fancy pizza you want.”

  “I’m not talking about pizza.” Shay eyed him, unsure if he was joking. “I’ll pick something a little classier for my contribution.” She set her phone down, crossed her arms, and smiled softly. “It turns out you have a lot more opinions on the wedding than you’ve been saying these last couple of months, or even a few minutes ago, Mr. I’m-A-Guy-And-I-Just-Want-To-Pay-And-Do-Nothing-Else.”

  “Had too much time to think, so it’s hard to not think about them. It’s not a big deal or anything.” James shrugged. “Just not going to be annoying about it.”

  “It’s fine. Glad you give a shit. It means you’re invested in this thing.” Shay nodded at the phone. “But I’m not sure yet about most of the details myself. I always assumed I’d never get married, so it’s not something I have put a lot of thought into. I do want something that involves fewer Special Forces soldiers and a venue not in the middle of a highway, but I’m not really clear on the details other than that.”

  James frowned, and Alison gave them a worried look. They had been a little less than detailed on the exact nature of what had happened at the proposal. Shay had mentioned there were a lot of cheering people around, but she’d let the girl assume that it hadn’t involved a military strike team.

  Shay held up her hand to display the jade ring. “To be clear, I loved the proposal. It was what I wanted, and it was epic. I’m just saying I want the wedding to be slightly more on the traditional side. Not totally traditional, but at least a little closer.”

  James nodded. “Me too. I want Father McCartney to do the ceremony.”

  “Fine by me, but I’m telling you now, I’ll agree to love, honor, and cherish, but obey?” Shay shook her head.

  “Yeah, you shouldn’t lie in a church.” James sliced off another piece of steak and speared it with his fork. “And we both know you do whatever the hell you want.”

  “Like you don’t?” Shay raised an eyebrow.

  “It’s worked for me so far.” James downed yet another piece of steak.

  “Same here.”

  Alison let out a contented sigh. “It’s so romantic. A wedding! I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.” She bounced in her seat. “And now we’re talking about the details. I don’t care if it’s probably not going to be for a year, I’m so excited.”

  “You haven’t been waiting that long,” Shay replied. “It’s not like we’ve known each other for twenty years.”

  James grunted.

  Alison shrugged. “Percentage-wise, it’s been a much bigger chunk of my life than yours.”

  “True enough, but it’s also not like I’m that much older than you.” Shay sent a playful glare at the girl, not sure if Alison was poking at her age.

  Alison laughed. “Oh, that reminds me. Are you going to take Dad’s name?”

  James crossed his arms and his face lit with interest, obviously eager to hear the answer.

  Shay shrugged. “I figured I’d hyphenate. A lot of useful reputation built up in the name Brownstone. Seems a shame to not take advantage of that.” She winked at Alison.

  “And weddings aren’t romantic,” James muttered. “They’re complicated and require a lot of work. Most times they aren’t simple. I should know. I’ve listened to a lot of podcasts. All the top ones on weddings.” He pointed his fork at Shay. “Which is why I’m leaving it mostly up to her. It’s not like hunting down a bounty.” He lowered his fork. “You know, if we had the wedding in Vegas, we could just go grab some Jessie Rae’s afterword. Ever consider that? Now that would be simple.”

  Alison stared at James, her mouth open. “Dad, are you serious? Or is this some sort of sad, sad attempt at a joke?”

  James shrugged again. “Why not? I’m sure I can get Father McCartney to go there. I don’t know all the laws and license crap, but if we look into it ahead of time, it won’t be a big deal. People do it all the time.”

  Alison sighed and shook her head. “I keep having to remind myself that you’re still learning about women in so many ways. You’re the biggest badass in the United States, or maybe the world, but you’re more clueless than some of the boys at my school.”

  “Huh? What do you mean by that?”

  I better nip this in the bud damned quick.

  Shay gave James a death stare. “I’m not having some quickie wedding in Vegas.” She crossed her arms. “It’s going to be epic, just like the proposal. A touch more normal, though, even if I’m still figuring out the venue. And the theme. And everything else.” She shrugged. “But keep in mind that this is one bridezilla you won’t beat in a fight.”

  “What’s the budget?” Alison asked. “That’s a good place to start planning from.”

  “Budget?” Shay snorted. “Screw the budget. It’s not like I need to build another fifty warehouses. Between your dad and me, we can spend whatever we want. Sure, not gonna buy an island or something, but other than that, we can go anywhere.” She furrowed her brow. “Maybe even Oriceran.”

  James shook his head. “I want to stay on Earth. Probably get jumped by some angry Council lackeys or Laena fans if we went to Oriceran. Can Father McCartney even marry us if we’re on another planet?”

  Shay shrugged. “No clue.”

  “Earth’s fine.” Alison smiled. “And since you have no budget limit, you should go crazy.” Alison gasped. “How about a cruise ship?”

  “Cruise ship?” James frowned. “What do cruise ships have to do with weddings?” His frown deepened. “Does the captain have to marry us then?”

  “You could charter an entire ship for the wedding and make it a wedding on the waves.” Alison bobbed her head. “This is genius. You should do it.”

  “A cruise ship, huh?” Shay thought it over for a few seconds. “A huge cruise ship might be pretty epic.”

  “Until it sinks.” James frowned. “Boats sink.”

  Shay and Alison laughed.

  “We just have to make sure we have enough lifeboats,” Shay suggested. She tapped the cruise ship idea into a note on her phone. “Gonna collect like twenty of the best ideas, and we can thin them down from there.”

  “Glad this wedding isn’t happening anytime soon,” James mumbled. He furrowed his brow. “Hey, while I’m thinking of it, Shay, Maria is looking around for a good bounty that I can go do to inspire the guys by demonstrating ass-kicking. You interested?”

  “Inspire the guys?” Shay made a face. “That sounds like you’re going to kick some level twos through a window or something.”

  “Might punch them through a window.” James smirked. “Probably won’t be dead-or-alives, so I won’t kill them. Just wanted to ask if you wanted in.”

  Shay shook her head. “Nah, you have fun. If something more serious and high-level comes up, let me know. Still waiting for Peyton to find me a decent tomb raid before the summer ends, too.”

  James looked over Alison. “What about you?”

  The teen sighed. “I don’t think I should come along.”

  “W
hy?”

  “Dad, I might be blind, but I also have powerful magic and can sense souls and magic and all that. I think the guys might get a little discouraged if I go in there and throw a spell or something that knocks out a bunch of guys.” Alison smiled.

  “How is that different from me punching a guy through a window?”

  Alison laughed. “You don’t get it. Even if you’re stronger than a normal man, it’s just more of something they can see themselves doing. It’s inspirational. It’s not like Drow shadow magic. Does that make sense?”

  “Okay, if you don’t want to come, that’s fine. You’ve already done several bounties this summer.”

  Shay smiled. “We’ll have a girl’s day while you’re kicking low-level ass. Just let us know when.”

  “Okay, will do.”

  Shay grinned. “And now back to wedding planning.”

  Later that night, James knocked lightly on Alison’s door. “Alison, you still up?”

  “Sure, Dad, come in,” she called.

  James opened the door and entered. Alison sat at her desk, her fingers running over her adaptive Braille reader. He wondered what she was reading.

  Alison set the reader down and turned to face him. “What’s up, Dad?”

  He shrugged. “I just figured we should talk about stuff. I wanted to make sure everything’s okay with you. You’re going back to school soon.”

  Alison smiled. “Everything’s great. Why wouldn’t it be?”

  “Trying to keep the lines of communication open.” James made air quotes around the last few words and scraped at the floor with his boot tip. “Something they said on one of my podcasts. Everything going okay with that boy?” He grunted.

  “’That boy’ has a name, Dad.” Alison rolled her eyes. “Tanner. You don’t forget anything, so I know you know his name, and you’d like him if you met him.”

  You’re damn right I know his name, and his smug little face.

  “Just asking.”

  Alison leaned forward and tilted her head. “And you’re going to keep your promise?”

  Even if she couldn’t see his face, she could see his soul. A lie would be painfully obvious, but a little clarification wouldn’t hurt in case she gave him the opportunity to handle the situation in his preferred manner.

  “Promise about what?” James asked.

  “Going Overprotective Brownstone all over Tanner.” Alison crossed her arms and straightened her back. “If I recall, there was a clear promise made that you wouldn’t go, and I quote, ‘menace’ Tanner if you happened to bump into him when you dropped me off.”

  James grunted. “Fine. I won’t as long as everything stays the same and he doesn’t give me a reason.”

  “Keep in mind a valid reason will be determined by me, not you.” Alison blew out a breath and relaxed her shoulders. “Good, that’s all I needed to know. I’m not a little kid, Dad. I wasn’t a little kid even when we first met, and now I also have decent control of my magic. It’s not like you have to protect me from everything in the world.”

  “You were planning to meet two shady gangsters in an alley by yourself when I first met you.” James snorted. “That sounds like a little-kid move.”

  “I could have handled them. Seriously, you have enough faith in me to take me on bounties, but you act like I can’t be trusted around boys. A level-three witch is way more dangerous than a boy.”

  James shook his head. “Not a teenage boy.”

  Alison frowned and stared at him.

  “Okay, okay. I know you’re not a little kid, and that you’re growing up.” James shrugged. “Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

  Alison stood and walked to James. She wrapped him in a tight hug. “No matter what, though, I understand that all you want to do is protect me. I love you, Dad.”

  James patted her head. “I love you, too, Alison.”

  She pulled away. “And I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that you’re getting married. Even though I already thought of us as a family, this will make it official.”

  “I’m glad you’re happy, but keep in mind, it might not happen for a while. My best guess would be next summer, but she might push it out further.” James checked over his shoulder. “Sometimes I think Shay likes to make things complicated. I mean, who needs five warehouses?”

  “Well, the system kind of makes sense.” Alison looked at him earnestly. “There’s different stuff in each one with different security requirements.”

  “Just saying. I guarantee that if I get out of this wedding only having to worry about a cruise ship, that’ll be the simple and easy option.”

  Alison arched a white eyebrow. “What do you think’s going to happen?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe Shay has us ride in on a glider and parachute onto some magic island that only appears once every twenty-five years, or we end up on the moon in some gnome-supported magical bounce-house.”

  “Gnome-supported magical bounce-house?” Alison burst out laughing. “Dad, it’s her wedding, not some little kid’s birthday, and there aren’t any gnomes on the moon.” She frowned. “I don’t think.”

  “I don’t know.” James lifted a shoulder. “I’m just along for the ride now. I’m only concerned about one major problem.”

  “What is that?”

  “If the location is too out there and weird, we’ll have to bring in supplies by portal.” James frowned. “Not sure how portal magic might affect the God Sauce, and I don’t think Mike would know.”

  Alison smirked. “I’ll ask Professor Cooper when I get back to school. He’s an expert on portals.”

  “What about barbeque?”

  “I’m sure he’s eaten barbeque at some point in his life.”

  James nodded slowly. “That’s better than nothing.”

  4

  So this is what they mean about being careful what you wish for, Shay thought. Or is it more of a “hoist on your own petard” deal? No, definitely the first.

  She tilted her head as she stared out the living room window, her phone to her ear. “Push Smite-Williams, then. He’s always got some big shit he needs help with, and it’s not like I need a forty-million-dollar payday. I just want a job that’s not a total waste of time.”

  “You sure you want me to call him?” Peyton replied, uncertainty in his tone.

  “Yeah. I’m sure. Why wouldn’t I be sure?”

  Peyton sighed. “Because you’re right about him and jobs, and that’s the problem. If I ask him, it’s not going to be a simple one-day job. It’s probably going to be at least a day in travel alone.”

  “I know, and I want something major.” Shay sighed. “I’m not saying this is my last hurrah or anything, but it’s probably going to be my last major job until the winter. I’ve beaten Alan down to the point where the university has finally hired me as a full-time professor, and now I have to teach normal classes during fall semester.”

  “I thought that was what you wanted? I’m really confused now.”

  Shay chuckled. “It’s not a big deal. Just get me something. I want to scratch my itch so I can concentrate during the semester. Make sense?”

  “Yes, that makes sense,” Peyton replied. “I think.”

  James looked up from petting Thomas.

  Shay closed the blinds after a quick check for anyone suspicious. She didn’t like that James left them open a lot of the time. He might always have Whispy Doom on him, but he didn’t always have the symbiont bonded. An accurate sniper or a rocket launcher would have a good chance of taking him out, and it wasn’t like he didn’t have a whole world of enemies.

  For that matter, he had multiple worlds of enemies.

  It’s a good thing that his reputation is scaring everyone off now. He’s tough, but if someone knew how his powers worked, they could win.

  She sometimes wondered if she wasn’t paranoid enough anymore. If she’d gone soft from living with a very hard man, ironically. She’d caught herself not practicing defensive seating when th
ey went to restaurants. If she ended up getting shot in the back, she was going to be so embarrassed in the afterlife.

  Oh, I see, you were a former professional assassin who got shot in the back. That’s like a chef dying from food poisoning.

  “I do want to focus more on teaching going forward, Peyton.” Shay headed to the couch. “But I’m trying to be realistic about my damned schedule. I won’t be able to jet away in the middle of the semester. That’s part of the compromise that comes with trying to be a real person with a real job instead of a phantom tomb raider who only semi-exists behind a code name.”

  Peyton blew out a breath. “Kind of weird to imagine you teaching people. The only thing weirder would be…I don’t know, maybe James becoming a cat guy?”

  “I’ve been giving guest lectures for a couple of years now.” Shay frowned. “You helped set up my fake records so I could do that, and now you’re saying you don’t think I should teach?”

  “I didn’t say you shouldn’t teach. I said it was weird. You’re not grading anyone during those guest lectures or having to deal with people trying to get out of stuff.” Peyton laughed. “I can kind of imagine you throat-punching some student because he said your lecture was boring. Or, someone comes to you and asks to reschedule a test, and you’re all, ‘I didn’t get to reschedule when those gang members tried to ambush and kill me, you lazy sonofabitch.’”

  Shay glared at her phone. “Keep it up, and I’ll drive over there and start my throat-punching with you.”

  James chuckled from his seat.

  “Just saying,” Peyton replied. “Also don’t college professors have to be calm? Or at a minimum, not threaten their brilliant employees with violence, even jokingly?”

  “Calm? A little bit. At least until I get tenure, but that might be too much. And I am calm. These days I don’t automatically kill everyone who tries to kill me. How can you say that’s anything but calm?” Shay snorted. “Besides, your problem is that you only ever deal with me in one context. I don’t need to threaten or hurt anyone at the school. People actually find what I have to say about revised history and archaeology interesting, and it’s easy to slip in tomb-raider tidbits and attribute them to someone else, so even if anyone asks, it’s easy to deflect. It’s the perfect position for me.”