Lessons of the Heart

by Jodie Larson

  “You look really nice again today,” he whispers before straightening back up to his full height.

  My lips part to say something, but he moves away, putting more distance between us. The breath I was holding releases, deflating my lungs in disappointment.

  “Thank you.”

  He walks toward the door and pauses. “I’m sorry. That was inappropriate of me. Forget I mentioned it.”

  I swivel in the chair and face him. “It’s okay. You look nice today too. I like your sweater. It looks really good on you.”

  We stare at each other in silence. Nothing is heard except our breaths and the hum of the computer next to me as it downloads the software. My eyes travel across his body, appreciating it for the specimen that it is before finally focusing on his eyes. Something about the way he looks at me has my body on alert. His hand leaves the handle to push the door shut, trapping us in his office.

  I’ve dreamed of being alone with him like this for the past week. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s my teacher and there’s a certain code of conduct that must be held between us. A code that I feel like breaking each time I see him. And there’s something about that temptation which makes me crave him even more.

  James walks toward me, his eyes flashing with muted desire. Like he’s trying to hold something back. He leans forward, resting his hands on the armrest of the chair. Our noses are inches apart, our breaths combining as one in front of our faces.

  Can he see my heart beating? Can he see the racing pulse at the side of my neck? Each beat is for him and I don’t know why. I’ve never crushed on a guy this hard before. Never fallen off that cliff without knowing where I’ll land. All for someone who I can’t even have.

  Everything about this is wrong. But my sweaty palms and panting breaths say this has never been more right.

  His forehead touches mine, allowing me to feel the warmth of his skin.

  “This is a bad idea,” he whispers.

  “I know,” I reply on a breath.

  “I need to leave.”

  “I know.”

  “You know we can’t do this.”

  I break eye contact and look down. “I know.”

  James leans back, moving away from me and my idiotic teenage lust. How could I think that something would happen? He’s my teacher. That’s not going to change anytime soon. Any and all thoughts of him in a non-platonic way should be removed immediately.

  The loud ping of the computer indicates the software has finished downloading. I swivel back to the desk and eject the disc, placing it back in its case.

  “There you go. All set for later.”

  I stand up, wrapping my arms around my middle while hanging my head down to avoid his stare. He grabs my arm as I try to pass him.

  “Wait,” he says, making me stop.

  “I have to go.”

  James shakes his head. “Not like this. What I did, what we almost…it shouldn’t have happened.” He turns my chin to face him, lifting my eyes to meet his conflicted ones. “It’s not that I don’t want to. Believe me, Britta, if circumstances were different…”

  I nod and open the door. “I need to go.”

  “Okay.” He releases my arm and shoves his hands into his pockets, muttering a quick curse before walking away.

  The bell rings to indicate the start of the fifth period and I make my way back to Mrs. Davis’s office. Shutting the door, I place the disc back in her desk and fold my arms on top of it, crying into my sleeve at the mess I’ve just created.

  AFTER A BRIEF STOP IN the bathroom to touch up my makeup and wash away any remnants of my breakdown, I walk into James’s classroom with my head held high. I won’t let that one minor slip affect him or me. It was silly. And nothing happened. I mean, yeah we got close to each other. Really close. But we never kissed, even though I wanted to. We never touched each other, outside of him grabbing my arm to stop me from leaving. It was innocent and I’m blowing this completely out of proportion.

  Just keep telling yourself that. Maybe you’ll believe it.

  James looks up from his desk as I take my seat. He looks nervous like he doesn’t know how to act around me anymore. He shuffles through several papers, stopping only to look up at me.

  “Ms. Fosse, could you come up here for a moment?”

  I glance over to Chase, who has a what did you do look on his face. I shrug my shoulders and march toward him. My nerves are shot and I’m afraid people can tell by looking at me that I’m a wreck right now.

  Standing in front of his desk, making sure not to come to the side next to him, I glance down at the paper he’s pointing to. It’s not what I was expecting at all. Not a test or piece of homework I turned in, but a handwritten note to me.

  My eyes meet his in silent communication.

  “Did you see this?” he asks, knowing that something needs to be said as people are still making their way into the room.

  “Yes.”

  “And you’re okay with this?”

  I nod. “Yes, I’m okay with what you have there. I’m sorry. It was my mistake to begin with.”

  Sadness crosses his face again, my icy words hitting like the bitter cold air of January. I don’t mean it to sound that way, but I can’t let people see anything that they could misinterpret.

  “Just make sure you work on it for next time.”

  Next time? Is he serious? There is no way that I’m getting anywhere near him again. If anything, this little stunt has proven that I can’t be trusted to be around him. But there’s this magnetism that he gives off and instead of repelling me like the same side of a magnet, I’m drawn to him. We’re two opposite poles looking for a connection.

  “I will. It won’t happen again.”

  He nods and I walk back to my desk with my head down and arms wrapped loosely around my middle.

  “Are you okay? What was that about?” Chase asks when I retake my seat.

  “Nothing. I mixed up a few things on my paper from Friday and he wanted to point it out to me so I don’t do it again.”

  Chase’s brows furrow. “Mixed something up? But you never get anything wrong. You get straight A’s in every class.”

  I shrug and open my notebook. “I had an off day. It does happen from time to time you know. I’m not perfect.”

  Chase places his hand on my arm and smiles at me. “You’re always perfect to me. I’m pretty sure you can’t screw anything up, even if you tried.”

  Don’t bet on it I think to myself. After the stunt I pulled today, you can bet I’m capable of screwing everything up.

  A loud thud draws my attention to James as he leans over his desk, his eyes staring directly where Chase is touching me. What is his problem? So what if Chase has a hand on me. He’s my friend and he’s allowed to. And why does James care? He made it perfectly clear that we cannot happen. Ever.

  The petty child in me decides to explore this and see what exactly is driving James mad. I move my arm so that Chase’s hand is now touching mine. I tilt my head to the side with a reassuring smile.

  “You’re so sweet. You always see the good in me.”

  He tucks a lock of hair behind my ear. “That’s because you make it easy to see.” He looks over my body and leans closer. “You look really nice again today.”

  I freeze at his words. The same words were spoken to me by someone else, someone who I desperately wish was the one touching me instead of Chase.

  I swallow hard, my throat tightening up again, only this time for a different reason. “Thanks,” I whisper.

  “Everyone, please take your seats,” James says at the front, his tone harsh and scolding. I jerk my body away from Chase at the same time he does. The temperature in the room drops suddenly as I feel the chill run through my body.

  He’s upset?

  “Pop quiz time, people.”

  The collective groan from everyone can barely be heard through the rushing of blood in my ears. His eyes keep migrating to mine, holding me in an annoyed stare, almos
t as if he’s challenging me to push him.

  He walks up and down the aisles, handing each person their paper. I reach to grab the paper and my fingers make contact with his. My head lifts up in confusion when his hand seems to linger slightly near mine. The greens of his eyes spark in the millisecond they make contact before he moves so he doesn’t draw any suspicion.

  I shake my head and quickly fill out the quiz and flip my paper over. Glancing around the room, I see others holding their heads up with their hands as they scribble furiously with their pencils, obviously annoyed with a test right away on Monday. Not one person is looking up. Everyone is in deep concentration. Everyone, that is, except James. I watch as his lips curl up in the corner while we silently stare at each other. It’s a game now, trying to see if we can look at each other without being caught.

  But we shouldn’t be playing this type of game. We shouldn’t even be entertaining the idea of playing anything together. The problem is I don’t know how to stop wanting something I can’t have.

  The curl of his mouth drops slightly as I bite my lip nervously, wondering if anyone can see our private exchange. Time seems to be ticking by slowly as if the world has stopped revolving and we’re suspended in limbo, not moving forward and just stuck where we are.

  James mouths something to me, but I can’t understand what he’s saying. Did he just say I’m sorry or was it all in my head? I turn to look out the door instead, needing to get my mind to focus on something other than the gorgeous man in the front of the room. A man who occupies my thoughts more than he should.

  “Okay, time’s up. Pass your papers to the front,” he announces.

  James walks over to my desk, accepting the stack from my hands but doesn’t make eye contact this time, nor does he try to touch me. It’s probably for the best anyway. He’s made it clear that we can’t happen. Logically I know he’s right but my stupid body says otherwise.

  The rest of the period I focus on the words in the textbook and what is being written on the board. I ignore James as he walks around and avoid his eye contact whenever he tries. I don’t raise my hand to answer questions because I don’t know if I can control the strength of my voice. I'm acting irrational and stupid. He’s my teacher. I’m his student. I need to get this out of my head and ignore whatever fantasies live there.

  Chase turns to me once the class is over. “So do you want to go grab something to eat and study tonight?”

  I shake my head, pulling myself out of the gray clouds of my mind. Chase is being nice and sweet. He’s reliable and such a good friend, even if he tries to push the limits sometimes. And actually I do need to study tonight. We have several large projects coming up, as well as several tests at the end of the week.

  I stand and press my books to my chest. “Sure. I’d like that.”

  “Do you want me to pick you up around six?” he asks, moving toward me.

  “No, that’s okay. How about I meet you at Sammy’s around then?”

  “Sounds good to me. I’ll see you later.” He squeezes my arm before walking out the door with a broad smile.

  I turn to follow but I’m held back when I hear James say my name.

  I pause, turning slowly to meet his eyes. “Yes, Mr. Dumont?”

  He shoves his hands in his pockets and walks toward me. “Listen, I-“

  “Please, let’s not talk about it again.” I cut him off before he can finish his thought. “Let’s ignore it and pretend it never happened. For your sake as well as my own. It’s better this way.”

  He shuts the door slightly, blocking us from the view of anyone passing by. With two fingers, he gently lifts my chin to meet his eyes. “As right as that statement is, I can’t pretend it didn’t happen nor can I forget it either. It may be better this way, but it’s hard as hell to stop. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

  I nod. “I do, which is why we need to try. You’re the teacher, I’m the student, and we will maintain our professional relationship as if today never happened. Everything will go back to normal.”

  “I’m finding it harder and harder to pretend near you. There’s something about you that screams at me to get to know you even though I shouldn’t. I mean, being friends outside of school can’t happen, right?”

  I shrug. “I babysit for several teachers, and I’m friends with some of their kids. It’s never been a problem before.”

  “Well seeing as I don’t have any kids both of those situations won’t work.” He runs his hand through his hair again before meeting my eyes. “But I want to get to know you. I want to get inside your mind and see it for more than an hour a day. Maybe you can help me some other way?”

  My lips twist to the side as I think about what he’s asking me. “We could meet at Perk Me Up on Saturday mornings and I can help you with the grading program.”

  He smiles. “I’d like that. And it’s a public place with a casual setting so that’d be perfect.”

  “How about this Saturday then? I’m not busy around ten if it works for you.”

  “Ten sounds great. I’ll bring my lesson books and laptop and you can show me the computer program a little more.”

  “Make sure you get the VPN and password from the office so you can log into your remote desktop. Otherwise, you’ll be running two different programs and they won’t sync up together.”

  “See, this is why I need your help.” He laughs and opens the door wider. “Thanks, Britta. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Bye Mr. Dumont,” I say as I leave the room.

  I’m playing with fire, but I can’t help myself. The temptation to see if I’ll get burned is too great and I can’t pass up an opportunity to spend time with James outside of school. But before any of that happens, I need to get through my study date with Chase. That should be interesting enough as it is.

  “So let me get this straight, you’re going out on a study date with Chase, whom you actively avoid getting into personal situations with?” Liam asks. He’s straddling my desk chair as I sit on my bed and put my shoes on.

  “Yep, that about sums it up.”

  He tilts his head to the side and scrunches up his face. “Why? That’s the part I don’t get. Chase has been after you for years and you’ve never gone out on a study date with him, or a date date for that matter. Something else is up, I can tell. It’s written all over your face.”

  I sigh and cross my legs. “There is something else behind it, but I can’t tell you. You wouldn’t understand.”

  “Try me. You might be surprised.”

  Liam’s looking at me with his puppy dog eyes, begging me to let him in on this huge secret I’m harboring.

  “God you look pathetic. Does that face ever work with women?”

  “More times than you’d believe,” he laughs. “Come on. I’m dying to know what’s bugging you. You’ve been acting weird lately. Is it something I should be concerned with?”

  My fingers twist in my lap. “No, I don’t think so. It’s just…I’m using Chase as a distraction.”

  “A distraction?”

  I nod. “Yeah. I feel like shit for doing it, but my sanity and mental health depend on it.”

  “What the hell, Britt? What is going on?”

  “Promise me you won’t say anything to anyone what I’m about to tell you.”

  “Yeah, sure. You know I won’t.”

  I shake my head and hold his stare. “That’s not good enough. Promise me you won’t say anything. No one can know. Not Mom or Dad or Danny or Penny.”

  Liam pauses and lets his mouth fall open. “You’re telling me something that not even Penny knows? Whoa, this has to be good.”

  “Good may not be the right word for it.” I clear my throat and fidget some more. “You know Mr. Ward got fired.”

  “Yeah, everyone knows that.”

  “Well, the teacher they hired to replace him is hot. Like super hot. Insanely hot.”

  He shrugs. “Yeah, so?”

  “Well, I ran into him, literally, be
fore I knew he was my teacher. Twice. And both times we had this connection, this draw to one another. It was intense and it still is.” I chew on my lip, debating on whether or not to continue. Liam just looks at me but nods, letting me know that it’s okay to say it. “I almost kissed him today in his office. I was helping him load a program onto his computer and he was leaning over to see what I was doing. Our faces were so close and he smelled so good. But I made a fool of myself, practically begging him with my body signals to kiss me. Luckily he was smart enough to push away and remind me that we can’t happen.”

  Liam exhales slowly and leans back. “Wow. That’s not what I was expecting you to say.”

  “I know. It’s stupid of me to think about my teacher that way, but he’s constantly in my head and I can’t get him out. I mean, James and I, we have this connection that I just can’t explain.”

  “There’s your first problem. Don’t refer to him as James. You need to stop thinking of him as a regular person. He’s your teacher.”

  “He asked for my help with some school stuff so I suggested we meet at Perk on Saturday. It’s in a public setting so it won’t look awkward. Plus he’ll have his laptop so everyone will see we’re working.”

  Liam’s eyes narrow slightly. “I don’t know about that. I think you’re looking for trouble there.”

  I focus on my fingers and twist my lips. “I know, but there’s a part of me that wants the trouble. I know nothing can happen. I’m not stupid. And I would never do anything to jeopardize his career. Look at Mr. Ward’s situation.”

  “Yeah, but he shot himself in the foot there. I mean, if you don’t want to get fired you don’t sleep with the boss’s wife.”

  “But the mere fact that people thought it was a student made him an instant antagonist. I would never want that for Ja- Mr. Dumont.”

  Liam joins me on the bed. “If you are crushing on this teacher you need to make sure it stays that way. A crush. But don’t drag Chase around unnecessarily because you feel the need to distract yourself.”