Lily Alone

by Vivien Brown

  How much longer could she just idly wander about or sit here doing nothing but worry? Were they still going to have that burger later, or should she show willing and get some food shopping in, go back and make a start on something for dinner? If Lily wasn’t with them, for whatever reason, then she for one would not be opting for a cheeseburger and chips out of choice. Michael wouldn’t be in the mood for food at all.

  She looked at her watch again. The sun had lowered itself in the sky and there was no longer any need to squint to read the tiny diamond-encrusted dial. Five thirty-three. They’d been gone hours. They must have arrived in London ages ago, and should be halfway back by now at least, if all had gone to plan. But there had been no call, no text, nothing. Her gut feeling, especially having read Ruby’s vitriolic letter, was that things had very likely not gone to plan at all.

  In her head, she started to play out little scenarios, hastily put-together stories of what might be happening. The best involved nothing more than a bit of heavy traffic and Michael’s phone battery being dead, but in the worst versions Ruby was refusing to let them take Lily at all, refusing to even let them in, barricading the door, threatening to cut her wrists or something. From everything she’d heard, she wouldn’t put it past her. A silly immature girl, a drama queen, a head case … Pick any one and you wouldn’t be far wrong, according to Michael. But then, he was hardly unbiased, was he?

  She wanted to believe the best of Ruby, to give her the benefit of the doubt, to believe that she would do what was right for Lily, as any mother would, or should. But Patsy was not a mother, and who could say what thoughts and feelings took over when you’re trying to protect your child, and yourself, from being hurt? When you honestly think you’ve been badly done by? If she was Ruby, would she want to hand over her child, willingly, into the arms of the enemy? Probably not.

  Patsy shook her head. She should stop all this. Recriminations didn’t help anyone, and she had never set out to cause pain. She had simply fallen in love, and with a man who loved her back. What’s done is done. Stop now. Stop worrying, and wait. All would become clear soon enough, when they got back.

  She gathered up her bags and checked where she’d put the key, fingering it in her pocket, dreading what was to come. It was time to go home. No, that didn’t feel right at all. Not home. Just time to go back. Somehow she couldn’t imagine a time when she would ever be able to call Geraldine’s house home.

  *

  The nurse took him as far as the door. ‘She already has two visitors. If you could just wait a few moments while I go in first and find out if they’re ready to leave. We don’t like to crowd the room.’

  Michael stared at the closed door. Through its small glass window he could make out a high bed, wires, and lots of machinery. There was a man with his back to the door, and a woman sitting in a hard chair to the right. He couldn’t see their faces, had no idea who they were. For now, he couldn’t quite bring himself to look at the bed or the lifeless shape inside it that must be Ruby. He wished he’d brought his mother with him, but he’d left her with Lily, in case she woke up. A familiar face, in an unfamiliar place. She would need that, poor kid. No, his mother was certainly better at this kind of thing. But he’d felt it was something he should do alone, at least to start with, while he found out what was what.

  ‘Who are they? The visitors?’

  ‘We’ve not known who she is, you see, your Ruby. One of our nurses, Laura, has befriended her. That’s her in the chair. She’s been calling in every now and then to sit with Ruby. Felt sorry for her, I think, having no one of her own to worry about her. And the other one’s Paul … He’s our hospital chaplain.’

  ‘A priest? Why is there a priest?’ Michael felt a sharp stab of fear, a sudden realisation that things here could be very serious indeed. This wasn’t just Ruby being difficult, Ruby causing her usual problems. This was Ruby in danger. Unconscious, swathed in bandages and looking so small, buried so deep beneath all the unfamiliar machinery that, when he peered through the glass, he could hardly see her at all. They could lose her, couldn’t they? Right now, today … Lily could lose her. He clasped his sweaty hand over his mouth, and hoped to God he wasn’t about to throw up. ‘Ruby’s not … She’s not going to die, is she?’

  ‘We very much hope Ruby is not going to die, Mr Payne.’ The nurse placed a cool hand on his wrist. ‘It’s just routine, honestly. A courtesy visit, if you like. Ruby was wearing a cross round her neck, you see. We thought he might be a help, a comfort to her. You know, if she is a Christian …’

  ‘I’m not sure that she is really.’

  ‘Well, as I say, if you could just hold on a tick.’ She leaned on the door and slid inside the small room. The noise of the machines grew louder, then receded again as she closed the door behind her, leaving him alone and shaking outside.

  They came out almost straight away. The woman he’d seen in the chair was more of a girl, about his own age, probably younger, pretty, with her hair swept up into some kind of loose untidy pony tail. The man was tall, thin, a few years older. He wore black, except for the dog collar, and was holding out his hand. ‘Mr Payne? It’s so good to see you. Paul Thomas. We were beginning to think poor Lily … I’m sorry, poor Ruby here was never going to be claimed!’

  ‘Well, I’m not exactly claiming her. Just come to see how she is and what I can do. We’re not together any more, you see, Ruby and me. But she doesn’t really have anyone else. Just me, and my mother. And Lily, of course.’

  ‘Your daughter?’

  ‘Yes. Do you know about Lily? You called Ruby Lily just then …?’

  ‘A case of mistaken identity, I’m afraid. The last word she said before she blacked out, apparently. Everyone just assumed she was trying to tell them her own name.’

  ‘But she was asking for Lily?’

  ‘Looks like it. This is Laura, by the way. Staff Nurse Carter.’

  The girl smiled up at him.

  ‘No uniform?’

  ‘It’s actually my day off. But I came in specially when I heard she’d finally been ID’d. I was working in A & E, you see, when she was brought in on Saturday. She was in a bad way, and on her own. I’ve been sort of keeping an eye on her since then, in case there was nobody else, and today … Well, I just wanted to be here when our mystery girl finally found her family.’

  ‘That’s very kind of you.’

  ‘Not at all. I’m really glad you’ve come, and I’m sure she will be too. Nice to wake up to a face you recognise, not some stranger like me!’ That was exactly what he’d just been thinking about Lily waking up and his mother being there beside her, the need for a familiar face. The girl must have been reading his mind. ‘You can go in now, if you’d like to?’ she went on, nodding towards the door.

  Michael hesitated. She was right, of course. Ruby would need someone with her when she woke up, just like Lily did. But not him. He was the last person Ruby would want to see, wasn’t he? And, if he was honest about it, he was scared. The enormity of what was happening in that room was too much for him. He didn’t want it, couldn’t face it. He shouldn’t have to …

  The uniformed nurse was just coming out of the room, her latest checks completed. She held the door open and nodded encouragement, but the prospect of what he might find in there was far too daunting.

  ‘do you want to be alone with her, or would you like me to go in with you?’ Laura Carter seemed to sense his unease, and Michael nodded. He had never felt so grateful to a complete stranger in his life.

  ‘Yes, please. If you wouldn’t mind. I know it’s your day off, and I don’t want to keep you. For a minute or two, maybe? I’m just so new to all this. Never really had much to do with hospitals, except when Lily was born, and that was different, wasn’t it? Nobody was actually ill or anything. Even when my dad died, we never had to … Well, he died without any warning, so there was none of this to contend with.’ It was all just so completely out of the blue, so overwhelming. He’d come up here today expect
ing trouble, but just an argument, a slanging match, the usual Ruby-style battle. Not this. Never this. ‘I’m sorry, but I’m a total coward. Don’t even like the sight of a drop of blood when I cut myself shaving, and they let me leave the room when Ruby had the caesarean, so this …’

  ‘It’s okay. No need to explain. Come on.’ She took hold of his elbow, nodded a goodbye to the priest and gently guided Michael into the room. ‘She’s just asleep, that’s all. Try to ignore the machines. They’re only there to give her some support. She’s still Ruby. She won’t bite!’

  ‘You clearly don’t know Ruby!’ For the first time all day, Michael smiled.

  ‘A feisty one, is she?’

  ‘You could say that.’ He edged towards the bed and forced himself to look at her. Her face was deathly pale, her eyes closed, and there was a tube in her mouth, a bandage around her head. Her hands lay on top of the covers, utterly still, and almost as white as the sheet. He’d never seen her look so young, so small, so vulnerable.

  ‘Not today though.’

  Despite every effort to be strong, his feet faltered, stopping a foot or two from the bed, and he felt his hands tremble where he’d put them, squeezed into tight fists deep inside his pockets. He closed his eyes for a moment, fighting the urge to run, and felt an unexpected tear break loose and start to roll down his cheek. ‘Oh, my God, no. Not today.’

  *

  ‘Hello.’ Geraldine eyed up the strange old lady who had been dozing in the chair by the bed and had just opened her eyes. ‘We haven’t met, have we? I’m Geraldine Payne, little Lily’s gran. We went to the flat, you see, my son and I – to Ruby’s flat – expecting to see Lily, and then all this … Look, it was very kind of you to come here with her. We do appreciate all that you’ve done.’

  The woman sat upright and ran a hand over her crumpled clothes, presumably in an attempt at straightening them and making herself look more presentable. ‘Not at all, not at all. I’m sure anyone would have done the same. The poor child was so scared, in that flat all by herself. She was hungry and none too clean, but most of all she just seemed to want a cuddle. Someone to pick her up and hug her. I was more than happy to be that person.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘It must have been very lonely for her. Hard to imagine, really. Being all alone like that, having no human contact for so long. No one to look after her.’ She sighed as if she knew only too well how that felt. ‘She’s too young to understand, isn’t she?’

  Geraldine closed her eyes. ‘Oh, it doesn’t bear thinking about, does it? Anything could have happened to her.’

  ‘Well, luckily it didn’t. Nothing too terrible anyway.’ The woman leaned forward and held out her hand. ‘I’m Mrs Munro, by the way, as I expect they’ve told you. But do call me Agnes, please. You must have met my son earlier, at the flats?’

  ‘Ah, yes.’ Geraldine nodded. As she took Agnes’s hand and held it in her own, she noticed how thin it was, wrinkled in long deep furrows from wrist to fingertips, and, despite the overbearing clammy warmth in the ward, remarkably cold. The woman must easily be in her eighties, by the look of her.

  They sat in silence for a while, each watching the sleeping child in the bed beside them.

  ‘The social worker woman? Has she gone?’

  ‘No, worse luck. Just popped out for a coffee, so she said, but I’ll bet she’s phoning her office while she’s out of earshot. They’ll be plotting now, deciding what to do. Which reminds me, I need to make a call myself. To my assistant. At the shop I run. Would you mind just keeping an eye on Lily for a moment?’

  ‘Of course not.’

  Geraldine stepped out into the corridor and called Kerry from the payphone, telling her what had happened and issuing a few half-hearted instructions. For the first time in ages, it didn’t seem to matter much what was happening at the shop. She had bigger things to worry her now.

  When she went back, Agnes was starting to gather her few things together. She picked up a carrier bag and passed it to Geraldine. ‘The dress she was wearing. They took it off to examine her. It didn’t really fit anyway,’ she said. ‘But I expect you’ll want to take it home.’

  Geraldine peeped inside. It was the Disney princess dress she’d bought for Lily’s second birthday, almost a year ago. She could still remember her running about in it, spilling great dollops of creamy birthday cake down the front, refusing to take it off even at bedtime. Fancy her still having it after all this time. No wonder it didn’t fit.

  Agnes made an unsuccessful attempt at standing up, gripping the sides of the chair to give herself some leverage. ‘Oh, my damn knees. The trials of old age. But I shouldn’t still be here, I know. Time I got out of your way. It’s been a traumatic day. Well, for all of us, obviously. And tiring. I’m sorry I nodded off there for a while, but now I must call my son and see if he can come and collect me. Have they said if she’s all right now? Health-wise, I mean. And if she can go home?’

  ‘They’ve bathed and dressed her cuts and scratches. I think they’re just waiting now, to make sure there are no ill effects from the tablets she may have swallowed. But, as for home, I don’t know. There’s nobody there to look after her at home, is there? I’m not sure these Social Services people are going to let us just drive her away to Brighton. That’s where I live, you see. We were expecting to take Lily down there for a few days today, for a little holiday.’

  ‘But they’re surely not going to stop you? You’re her family. It’s not as if you did anything wrong. She’s going to need you more than ever right now.’

  ‘I have no idea. I hope not. I’m not even sure what rights we have, if any. Nobody’s saying much at all. I suppose they’re still hoping to talk to Ruby. Find out what happened. Why she left her alone. There are bound to be investigations, consequences … Oh, dear. It’s all such a mess.’

  ‘How is young Ruby? They told me she’s here.’ Agnes was perched on the edge of her chair, somewhere halfway between sitting and standing, and looked as if she was wedged there, for the time being at least.

  ‘Had some kind of road accident and is still out cold, so they say. It sounds bad. Very bad. I dread to think what could have happened to her. Or still might. Michael’s gone up to see her, then I suppose we’ll know more.’ Geraldine let out a huge sigh and shook her head. ‘Oh, Ruby. You silly, silly girl. How on earth did you let this happen?’

  ‘I’m sure it was in no way deliberate. I don’t really know your daughter-in-law, but …’

  ‘Oh, she’s not my daughter-in-law. Not technically anyway. They never actually married.’ Geraldine sighed again. ‘Never will now.’

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t realise. Young couples these days … Well, anyway, I didn’t know her well, as I say, but from what I saw, she did always seem to be very close to little Lily.’

  ‘Yes, she was.’

  ‘She must have had her reasons for going out like that, and leaving Lily behind.’

  ‘I’m sure she must. I just can’t think what on earth they were.’

  ‘But there is one good thing, you know.’

  Geraldine couldn’t for the life of her imagine what that might be. ‘Really?’

  ‘Just think what might have happened if she’d taken the little one out with her. That car might have hit the pair of them, and then what?’

  Geraldine clutched her hand to her mouth. ‘Oh, I hadn’t thought, but you’re right. That would have been awful. Lily’s so small. And if she’d been in one of those little buggy things she wouldn’t have stood a chance, would she? It could have been tipped up, crushed, smashed to smithereens. Oh, Agnes … I know I’ve said it before, but it really doesn’t bear thinking about.’

  Their conversation was cut short then by a muffled sound from the bed. Lily was waking up, stretching her legs out and opening her eyes, fixing them first on Agnes, straight in front of her, and then slowly turning to Geraldine. ‘Granny?’ she said, her voice very small and sleepy, tinged with curiosity. ‘Am I going to go to your
house now?’

  ‘I hope so, darling.’ Geraldine moved forward, throwing her arms around Lily and planting a big red lipsticky kiss on her cheek. ‘Oh, Lily, it’s so good to see you. Granny has missed you so much!’

  ‘Yuck,’ said Lily, quickly wiping the kiss away with the back of her hand as she sat herself up and pushed Geraldine’s arms away. ‘Mummy didn’t come home. Are we going to find her now?’

  ‘Yes, I think we are. Soon. Very soon. Your daddy’s gone to look for her now.’

  ‘daddy?’ Lily swung her legs over the edge and climbed off the bed. ‘I saw Daddy. He was under the pillow.’

  Geraldine had no idea what she meant. ‘did you? Well, he’s not under the pillow now. He’s right here, in the hospital, with us.’

  ‘Can I see Daddy now? Can I?’ Lily tottered the few paces it took to reach Agnes and held her arms up to be cuddled again. Curling into the old lady’s lap, she stuck her thumb, dressing and all, into the corner of her mouth and gazed at Geraldine, still sitting on the bed. ‘Granny …’

  ‘Yes, Lily?’ Geraldine fought back the instant wave of jealousy that was sweeping over her, seeing her granddaughter with this stranger, her small arms locked around her, her face squashed lovingly against that funny little green cardigan as they both perched rather precariously on the edge of the chair.

  ‘Where’s Archie?’

  Geraldine had no inkling who Archie was. A friend? A pet? Some new boyfriend Ruby was seeing? She felt a lump rise into her throat. Oh, how little she knew about her granddaughter now. It had only been a few months but things changed so quickly. She should have made more effort, should never have left it so long.

  ‘I don’t know, darling. We’ll ask Daddy when he comes back, shall we? He’ll know where Archie is, I’m sure.’