Lily Alone

by Vivien Brown

‘Old habits die hard, love. It just seems to jump into my hand whenever I go near the sink! There are only so many new tricks you can teach an old dog.’

  Patsy followed her mum through to the living room and sank down onto the sofa beside her. ‘What you said about new tricks …’

  ‘Yes?’ her mother reached for a pen and opened the paper at the crossword page.

  ‘You will be okay with Michael, won’t you? I do know he’s not quite what you’d hoped for. For me to end up with, I mean. He’s not a Piper, for a start! But I hope you can get used to him, to accept him, and us as a couple. Because he’s lovely really, once you get to know him. Already having a child doesn’t make him a bad person, or a bad prospect. I do know he’s right for me. That he’s the one. You know what I mean by that, don’t you?’

  ‘About being the one? Of course. I always knew your father was the one. From the first day I met him. Love at first sight it was, for me. But—’

  ‘I do wish you wouldn’t always have a but.’

  ‘I worry about you, that’s all. About you getting hurt.’

  ‘I’m not going to get hurt, Mum.’ But she crossed her fingers, in a stupidly superstitious way, where her mother couldn’t see, just in case she was wrong. Just in case whatever was going on down in London was about to change everything and prove her wrong.

  ‘Have you heard any more from him then? Your Michael?’

  ‘Not today yet, no. I’ll give him a call a bit later, before he sets off for the hospital.’

  ‘You are telling me everything, aren’t you? Not hiding anything from me? Because, whatever’s going on, whether you think I might like it or not, I’d rather you tell me the truth.’

  ‘I told you yesterday, Mum. About Ruby and what’s happened to her. About Social Services. There’s nothing else. As to what happens next, I really don’t know yet. But when I know, you’ll know. Okay?’

  ‘Okay, love. You just seem a bit down, that’s all. So … With your dad off to the golf course, and your brother about to leave for school, let’s have a nice girlie morning, shall we? Just the two of us. We don’t often get the chance nowadays. There must be other things we can talk about, apart from your love life! Or something you fancy doing while you’re here? Maybe you’d like to go shopping later? There’s a lovely blue top in Addison’s window that you’d love. It’d suit you, I think. My treat. Shopping will get us out of the house and into the fresh air, at least. Can’t beat fresh air for blowing the cobwebs away.’ She put her crossword back down on the coffee table. Patsy could see she’d only got as far as filling in one answer.

  ‘Right! Shops it is then. Maybe I can find something for Lily while we’re at it. Presents are the way to a child’s heart, aren’t they? It’s her birthday coming up soon, and I have to break the ice somehow.’

  ‘You haven’t met her yet?’

  ‘Not properly. Once, a long time ago, when she was sleepy and ready for bed, before Michael and I … Well, anyway, this week was going to be the big “getting to know you” holiday, you know. Me becoming part of her life, but the plan sort of went awry at the last minute. A present will help though, won’t it? Children like presents. What do three-year-olds want these days?’

  ‘Well, let’s see. When you were that age, it was dollies and all the paraphernalia that went with them. Little outfits, a doll’s pram, feeding bottles that looked like they emptied by magic … Remember that little chubby doll you had? With the annoying cry whenever you sat her up and took the dummy out of her mouth! Annabel, you called her. I bet she’s still here somewhere, up in the loft. Oh, those were the days, Patsy love. I sometimes wish we could go back, do it all again. Wouldn’t that be grand? Still, I don’t suppose children have changed all that much over the years, have they? You can’t go far wrong with a doll.’

  ‘That’s what I’ll do then. Get her a doll. That cries!’

  ‘You won’t be able to bribe her though. You do know that, don’t you? She’ll have to like you, for yourself, not just for the presents. Kids are no fools.’

  ‘I’ll try, Mum. But none of us can make people like us, can we? It’s been hard enough with his mother …’ Patsy picked up the paper from the table and gazed at the crossword for a moment, seeking something to distract her. ‘Oh, I’ve got one! Seven down. The clue is: “Suffocate favourite back inside. She’s wicked.” Ten letters. So, if suffocate is smother, and the favourite is a pet, spelt backwards and dropped into the middle, then it has to be stepmother. And a wicked one, at that! Especially with all that smothering going on, I suppose. That’s how we’re always portrayed, isn’t it? We stepmothers. Cinderella, Snow White, Hansel and Gretel – they all have this evil old bat who gets jealous and tries to ruin their lives. There’s even that awful woman Colin Firth almost marries in Nanny McPhee. Wicked, the lot of them. And me about to join them. You know, Mum, I’m beginning to think I’m onto a loser here before I even start!’

  *

  Neither of them was working today, so Laura and Gina had treated themselves to a spa day. They had days like this from time to time, when they needed to get away from the wards and the stresses of London life, and unwind.

  ‘It’s tomorrow then? Your hot date.’

  Laura could only just hear what her friend was saying over the loud bubbling sounds of the Jacuzzi. She sidled nearer, moving along the underwater ledge until their bikinied bottoms were almost touching, and leaned her head back against the edge. Rivulets of rapidly churning water ran up the side of her neck and burst over her face.

  Laura was surprised it had taken Gina so long to get round to the subject of her love life. Probably because up until now she’d been too busy talking about her own. Or bemoaning its absence, more like. ‘I wouldn’t say hot, necessarily. Not as hot as this water, anyway. No, cosily warm will suit me, to start with. It’s been a while, you know, since … Well, since Kevin and I split, and I’m in no rush to chuck myself in at the deep end again quite so quickly.’

  ‘Loving the water references, Laura. You’ll be not wanting to make waves next, or go up the creek without a paddle!’

  ‘Ha, ha! Very funny, I’m sure.’

  ‘So, how’s your hit-and-run girl getting on? Ruby?’

  ‘Fine, I think. I haven’t been back, not now she’s properly awake and got her family around her. Professional distance, and all that. I’ve got another one playing on my mind now. Attempted suicide. Wouldn’t talk about why, either. I gave her the Samaritans leaflets, tried to get her to talk to someone from Psych, but she wouldn’t have it. Seems God is the only one she’ll talk to. And Paul, but I suppose that’s almost the same thing! He spent quite a while with her down in the chapel, but of course he won’t tell me a word of what went on. Now she’s gone home, with everything unresolved, so who knows if she might try it again. I’m half expecting her back any minute. So, Ruby’s the least of my worries. There are only so many patients you can get over-involved with at once. You know that.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t do it. Don’t let myself. Bloody nightmare taking all that stuff home with you, especially if it’s sick kids. Way too upsetting. Still, I think you might have caught yourself a good one there, Laura. In Paul, I mean. Professional, caring, able to keep a secret …’

  ‘Not bad looking either.’

  ‘That’s true, from what I saw of him the other night anyway. Let’s hope he measures up in other ways, eh?’

  ‘Gina! Really! I can’t think what you could possibly mean.’

  ‘Well, I do seem to remember you telling me once – I think you must have been fairly drunk at the time – that your Kevin had a very large …’ There were others in the water with them now and she couldn’t rely on the bubbles to drown her out, so she leaned over and whispered the end of the sentence in Laura’s ear.

  ‘I did not!’

  ‘Oh, yes you did.’

  ‘Are you denying it?’

  ‘That I said it, or that he had a …?’

  ‘don’t bother. You’ve already given the g
ame away. Even in this hot water I can tell a blush when I see one.’

  ‘Gina, you are terrible. There’s more to finding the right man than the size of his …’

  ‘Cassock?’ Gina asked, and they both fell about in fits of giggles, the bubbles going straight into their open mouths and forcing them both to splutter and cough it out again, much to the disgust of the two elderly ladies in one-piece costumes and rubber swim hats who were already tutting loudly and edging away from them in the water.

  *

  Geraldine led the way, peering into each separate four-bedded room as they walked tentatively along the ward. When they found Ruby she was sitting in an armchair, only half-awake, her broken leg propped up on a stool, a newspaper open on the bed beside her.

  Lily bounded forward, pushing curtains aside, chattering excitedly about some cartoon she’d been watching before they left home, and plonked herself very quickly and proprietorially on Ruby’s lap, all the drama of the last few days seemingly forgotten as she helped herself to a banana from Geraldine’s bag.

  ‘It took us a while to find you,’ Geraldine said, planting a kiss on Ruby’s cheek. ‘But it’s lovely to see you out of that awful intensive care place and looking so much better.’

  Geraldine handed over a pile of magazines and a selection of fruit, pulled over a plastic chair from a small stack by the door and settled herself in it at Ruby’s side.

  ‘You don’t have to stay, Michael,’ Ruby said, wrapping her arms around Lily to stop her slipping off her lap, she was squirming about so much. ‘We both know we’ll struggle to keep the pleasantries up for long. Go. I wanted to talk to your mum by herself anyway.’

  He looked at Geraldine and she nodded. ‘Not a bad idea, Son. Come back for us later, eh? Give us an hour or so. I wanted to talk to Ruby too. About that little matter we discussed last night. Go and call Patricia again … Sorry, I mean Patsy. I’m sure she must be wondering what’s going on.’

  Michael didn’t take much persuading. ‘I’ll leave Lily here with you then. You will look after her, won’t you?’

  Geraldine gave him a withering look. ‘I think that, between us, we are perfectly capable of doing that, Michael. Please don’t try to teach your granny to suck eggs.’

  They watched him walk away, his hands in his pockets, his shoes squeaking on the shiny floor. At the door he turned and waved goodbye to Lily, but Ruby had eased her off her lap and let her sit on the edge of the empty bed where she was now too engrossed in a colouring book his mother had produced from the depths of her bag to notice.

  ‘So …’

  ‘Look, Geri. It is still all right to call you Geri, isn’t it?’

  ‘Of course. Why ever not? You said you wanted to say something to me, on my own?’

  ‘Yes, but I hardly know where to start. My head’s still all over the place. I can’t quite seem to be able to hold a thought in it for very long. Everything’s still very muddled. I think it’s having those days taken away from me, when I didn’t know where I was, that’s left me a bit, well, jet-lagged I’d have to call it. Like my mind hasn’t managed to catch up with my body yet, or the other way round.’

  ‘That’s okay, love. You take your time. Getting over something like this is not going to happen overnight. You’ve still got a way to go, you know. Whatever it is, it can keep. I’m not going anywhere. Other than back to Brighton, that is. Which I will have to do soon. But, no rush.’

  ‘No, no, what I have to say can’t be put off, and it won’t take long. It’s just that … Well, I wanted to clear the air between us, to make sure things were right again.’

  ‘No need.’

  ‘Yes, there is. Every need. Geri, I don’t know quite what went wrong, between you and me. It was Michael who left me, not the other way round. I didn’t think I’d done anything wrong. But I was the one left to cope, as if I was being punished. And I didn’t think that was fair. So I told you not to come and see me, and I’m so sorry about that now. It was stupid of me. I was feeling so mixed up and I know I was being my usual stubborn self, but I didn’t want your pity, and the truth is that I might well have thrown you out if you had come. You’d have been like a reminder. Of him. You know, you even look like him sometimes. I couldn’t bear it.’

  ‘Oh, Ruby.’

  ‘But, the more I think about it now, the more I can see why you had to take his side. There’s nothing more important in all the world than our children, is there? Of course you had to stick by Michael, whatever he’d done. He’s your son. Your only son. I can’t imagine a time when I would ever turn my back on Lily. I’d support her, love her, stick up for her, no matter what she did, always. She could murder someone and I’d still be there telling the world she was innocent, sneaking a file into the prison inside a cake to help her escape! Michael is your flesh and blood, and I’m not. I do understand the difference.’

  ‘Oh, Ruby …’ Geraldine said again. She glanced at Lily, making sure she was still busy with her crayons, not listening. ‘That’s not it. Not at all. It was never really about sides. Yes, I know it’s Michael I should have been angry with and, believe me, I was. Still am, to be honest. But I felt kind of deflated. Let down. I don’t think I’d ever felt so sorry for myself. Your wedding cancelled, and all the plans and dreams I had for you–for the pair of you – gone. Broken, in an instant.’

  ‘But …’

  ‘No, let me finish. There was the gift, you see. My wedding gift to the two of you. I’d had all the papers drawn up, everything was arranged. I’d made up my mind. I hadn’t told you because I wanted it to be a surprise, but I was giving you the business, Ruby. Lock, stock and barrel.’

  ‘The shop? You were giving us the shop?’

  Geraldine nodded, taking Ruby’s hand in hers.

  Ruby looked shocked. ‘did Michael know?’

  ‘Not then, no. But when I told him later, he said he’d never wanted it. Wouldn’t have accepted it. Had a career of his own, plans of his own. He said it was my dream, and his father’s, to run a shop, but it had never been his. I so wanted to pass it on, to see it go on and grow and thrive as a family business. It could have set you both up for life. You could have done what you wanted with it. Changed the name, changed the stock, hired your own staff, made your own mark. I had faith in you, both of you. I wouldn’t have interfered.’

  She sighed, pausing for a moment before going on. ‘Then suddenly he was leaving, and there was no wedding, no you, no Lily, and everything came tumbling down around my ears. No family future, no rosy retirement. I know you’ve struggled to cope, Ruby. I’ve seen that. Taking in ironing. Bills piled up in the kitchen – which I will be paying, by the way. I’ve struggled too. Oh, not for money. Just with life, or what’s left of it, without Ken. Without you and Michael, and Lily. The shop’s still mine, of course. I’m still there, wishing I wasn’t, doing it all on my own.’ She shrugged her shoulders. ‘Huh! And not very well either.’

  ‘Geri, I’m sorry. I wish it could have been different, but he cheated on me, slept with another woman, and then he ran away. Said he’d only stayed as long as he had out of duty. That he didn’t love me. Never had.’ Ruby turned away, looked out of the window, took a breath. ‘Not in the way I loved him.’

  ‘And do you still? Love him?’

  ‘No!’ Ruby answered almost too quickly, then closed her eyes and paused for a second or two, before composing herself and going on. ‘No, Geri, I don’t. It’s over with. Done. Finished. What would be the point?’

  ‘You won’t be wanting this, then?’ Geraldine reached into her bag, brought out the photo she’d found under the pillow, and handed it to Ruby.

  ‘Where did you …?’

  ‘It was in your bed, Ruby. It speaks volumes, love.’

  ‘No. That was just me being childish … Lonely. I don’t know, I was probably just using it to help me remember when things were good between us. When the fantasy was still strong, when I thought he could do no wrong. Please don’t think this means I still love h
im. I have to let all that go now. I mean, look at Patsy. She’s glamorous, clever, a real high-flyer. And there’s me, in my baggy T-shirts and tatty trainers. She’s who he wants now and I have to accept that. Move on.’

  She held the photo up high, gazed into Michael’s crumpled black-and-white face and, after a moment’s hesitation, handed it back to Geraldine. ‘Here! You keep it. I don’t need it any more. Lily will be at school in another year or so, then I can change things, really change things, look for a part-time job, a proper job, and start to make something of myself. There will be life after Michael, you just wait and see.’

  ‘That’s my girl!’

  ‘Your girl?’

  ‘Oh, yes. If I’d had a daughter …’ But she had, of course. Had a daughter, a long time ago, when she was only fourteen, and she’d given her up. The only thing she could have done, at the time. But she’d never given her up in her heart. She swallowed hard. It wasn’t something to burden Ruby with. Or anyone. ‘… Then I’d want her to be just like you.’

  Geraldine saw the tears spring up in Ruby’s eyes, and tried hard to stop herself from crying too. She’d held on to her secret for so long that suppressing it came as second nature to her, but it still hurt. Knowing all that she had missed.

  ‘do you mean that?’

  ‘I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t. My God, girl, you had me so worried. I thought you were going to die. But you didn’t. So now, I’m going to look after you. Like I should have done all along.’

  Like I promised myself I would, Geraldine thought. To make amends. To give you, and all those other girls, the chances in life I was never able to give to my own.

  ‘Thank you.’ Ruby was holding her hand now, totally oblivious to the storm of emotion she was struggling so hard to hold back. ‘And I’m sorry about the shop. It was very, very generous of you, wanting us to have it. I used to love my time there, you know, when I was working for you. I just wish I could do something to help you now.’

  ‘Well, maybe you can. And that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Because I’ve decided exactly what I’m going to do, about the shop, and about you and Lily too.’