Lifeline

by Susan X Meagher

  "These people are not criminals … rather, they are heroes, in my estimation. But they are not being treated like heroes. They have been held up to more scrutiny … more suspicion than a hardened criminal would be. We have gone astray here, in my opinion, when we torture people just because they maintain their right to privacy. That is the only crime these people have committed – they demanded to be left alone. Now every small-minded, publicity-seeking mercenary with any connection to them whatsoever is crawling out of the woodwork, trying to earn a few dollars of blood money – at their expense. How is that representative of a free press?

  "I ask for the press to call a halt to this harassment, and I ask the public to write and call your local media outlet and demand that they stop the constant persecution of innocent people, just to fill a time slot on the evening news. I ask this not just for the members of my family, but for every person who finds themself in such a situation. This type of thing happens with startling frequency, and in my opinion, the only way to stop it is to convince our local and national media that we will not tolerate it.

  "I beg you, don’t allow the media to destroy the lives and reputations of innocent people. Where will this country be if no one is willing to step up and help others, just because they know they will be hounded by the press once they do so? I see that as a real threat, and I stress that the only viable way to thwart that threat is to let the media know that we will not stand for it any longer. Make the world a safe place for heroes once again!"

  He looked right into the camera, snapped his notes sharply on the podium, and walked off. Jamie stared at her partner and said, "God, he did a great job."

  Ryan smiled at her and said, "He did indeed."

  Jamie looked at her partner quizzically, and said, "Your huge smile says you’re happy about more than his speech."

  "He called me a member of his family," Ryan said, her nose wrinkling up in pleasure. "That’s cool!"

  Jamie smiled at her fondly, pushing the long hair from her eyes. "I swear, Ryan O’Flaherty, you could be the poster child for family values." She leaned in and kissed her soundly, adding, "I love that about you."

  "Hello, Jim," Catherine said when her husband answered the phone in his office.

  "Hi," he replied, and she could actually visualize the expression on his face. It was a cross between boyish shyness and pride in doing what he knew was a very good thing.

  "You did very well today, Jim," she said softly. "I know it meant a lot to Jamie and to Ryan, as well as to me. I know it wasn’t easy to speak about Ryan as a member of your family, but it was the right thing to do."

  "I know that," he said. "It was a little hard to pull off, but as I began to speak, I started to believe my own words," he said quietly. "She is a member of our family … whether I chose to invite her or not. Jamie’s chosen her, and from all indications, their relationship is going to last a while."

  "Quite a while," she amended.

  "Okay, quite a while." He was quiet for a moment, then screwed up his courage and asked the question that had been on his mind nearly constantly. "What about ours, Cat? How long will our relationship last?"

  She sighed heavily and admitted the truth. "Not very long, I’m afraid, Jim. I haven’t changed my mind. In fact, being in Italy has made it even clearer to me. I’m afraid it’s over between us."

  He bit his lip to keep from crying, and forced himself to say, "You’ve fallen in love with that man in Italy, haven’t you?"

  She was quiet for a moment, trying to decide how much to reveal to him. Finally she admitted the truth, "I do love him, Jim. I wouldn’t have slept with him if I didn’t." She paused again, and said, "I’ve slept with two men in forty-one years. It’s not something I do on a whim." She knew that was a little harsh, but now that they were being honest with each other she felt her animosity bubble up occasionally, and she was powerless to stop it.

  "I know that, Cat," he said softly. "You’ve always understood the distinction between love and sex."

  "Yes," she said, "I have. Even though I love Giacomo, I know that I need more than he’s able to give me. I decided that I’m going to stop seeing him, Jim. I need a full-time lover."

  "I can be that," he piped up immediately. "Let me try again, Cat. Please!"

  "No, Jim," she said, her voice sad, and full of regret. "I wish I could, but I learned something from the incident when I saw you with that girl. I just don’t trust you enough to be vulnerable with you … and if I can’t be totally vulnerable, there’s nothing for us to base a relationship on."

  "There’s no possibility that you’ll change your mind?" he asked quietly.

  "No. I’ve filed the papers, Jim, and they’ve been accepted by the court. As you know, there’s a six-month waiting period until the divorce is final; but for all intents and purposes, it’s over now." She could hear the air leaving his lungs, and she felt genuinely sorry for him … and for herself.

  "I never … I never thought it would happen to us," he said, his voice breaking. "I love you, Catherine. I’ll always love you."

  "That might be true," she said softly, "but you didn’t love me enough, Jim. You didn’t love me enough to say no to the other women."

  "I know you don’t understand this – but that was never because I didn’t love you. I just needed sex, Cat. I needed the variety. It’s a very different thing."

  "Not for me, Jim. It’s exactly the same thing. I need a man who understands that."

  "I’m sorry, Catherine," he said, his voice wavering again. "I wish I could have been the man you deserved."

  She sighed, "I must not have been the woman you needed, Jim. If I had been everything you wanted, I can’t imagine that you would have cheated on me."

  He cleared his throat, "That’s not true, Catherine, but I don’t have the ability to explain what motivated me to seek out other women. I’m sure I don’t understand it. It’s … it’s just a compulsion."

  "It doesn’t matter any more, Jim," she said. "For your own good, it might be wise to figure out why you have such a hard time remaining faithful, but it doesn’t matter between us any longer. We need to move on now. I’m going to try to do so, and I urge you to, also."

  "Move on?" he said, laughing bitterly. "How do you move on when you’ve lost your heart?"

  "You can love again, Jim," she said. "It’s perfectly all right with me if you want to try again with that young woman. You seemed very fond of her," she said, feeling a little sick when she thought of the two of them on the couch in his apartment.

  "She’s a nice woman," he said, "but she’s just a girl, Catherine. She doesn’t have your depth."

  "Well, there are plenty of other forty-something women who would love to snare a handsome, powerful man like you, Jim. You don’t have to date girls."

  He sighed, "This is depressing me too much, Catherine. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?"

  "All right," she said. "I’d like to keep in touch, Jim. I think it’s important to maintain a good relationship … It will be nice for Jamie."

  "Of course," he said quickly, just wanting to hang up and have a drink. "Goodbye, Cat."

  "Goodbye, Jim," she said as she quietly placed the receiver in the cradle. She stared at the phone for a long time, fighting the urge to call him back. The first place her eyes landed was the bar in the living room. With a determined shake of her head, she went to the hall table, picked up her keys and her purse, and drove to San Mateo, finding a multi-plex theatre that she had driven Jamie to when she was young. She bought a ticket for the next movie that was going to be shown, not even noticing the title. Taking a seat in the back, she stared at the screen blankly, her tears obscuring the flickering images.

  "Jordan? Ryan," she announced when she reached her friend that evening.

  "Hey, Boomer! I just got home from going out to dinner, and saw the clips on the news about Jamie’s dad’s speech. He did a great job, huh?"

  "Yeah, I was really impressed," Ryan said. "I don’t know how effective it’ll be
, but at least he’s trying his best."

  "I think the O’Flaherty charm has finally won him over," Jordan said. "He referred to you as a member of his family!"

  "I know … We’ve really made some progress, haven’t we?"

  "You sure as heck have. Damn, I remember the first time you told me about him. You acted like you were afraid he was going to have a contract put out on you!"

  "Oh, he’s not so bad," Ryan said, not willing to admit how much Jim really had frightened her. "He just likes to be in control."

  "I guess that’s why he fits into the Senate so well, huh?"

  Ryan chuckled lightly, "I’m sure he’s not the only one in that learned body who’s a control freak." She paused for a moment and said, "You know, deep down, he’s not a bad guy. I honestly think he loves Jamie very much, and I also think he really believed I was out to use her in some way. Once it finally got through his head that I loved her too, he’s been pretty darned nice."

  "But how can you stand to be around him?" Jordan asked quietly. "Aren’t you afraid he’ll turn on you again?"

  "Mmm … no. To be honest, I’m not. One of the best and bravest things Jamie ever did was to show him clearly that when he hurts me – he hurts her. He really got the message, Jordan." She laughed softly and said, "I guess Jamie’s the one I have to be careful with now. She could sic him on me again."

  "How are things between you two?" Jordan asked. "You sure sounded like hell when I spoke to you in Pebble Beach."

  "Things are still hellish," Ryan said, "but not nearly so bad as they were then." She sighed and said, "It’s just tough not to be able to rely on each other. Usually, when one of us is having a tough time, the other one is able to be strong and help her through it. But this time, we’re both equally wounded – though in slightly different ways. It really sucks, pal. We’re still not comfortable being intimate – Hell, I haven’t been this uninterested in sex since I was gay bashed."

  "Can you at least hold each other when things are tough?" Jordan asked.

  "Sometimes, yeah," Ryan said. "But other times, being close feels like she’s a black widow spider and I’m just a helpless little fly. It feels like she’s going to consume me, Jordan. It’s just a horrible feeling."

  "Damn," she sighed. "You’ve told me about how hard it was for you to get back into the mood after you were bashed. How did you take the leap that time?"

  Ryan chuckled, "I let a complete stranger pick me up in a used clothing store. She flirted with me a little, and I took her into the back room and went down on her before she knew what hit her." She paused and said, "I don’t think I ought to try that scheme again."

  "Well, you could try the same kinda thing – but with Jamie, of course."

  "No, I don’t think so, pal. It was the fact that I’d never seen the woman before, and would likely never see her again, that let me feel free enough to even make a move. It’s the intimacy that I’m afraid of. I just can’t stand to feel that vulnerable." Sighing heavily she added, "I ran from true intimacy with women up until I met Jamie. Losing that with her is just horrible, Jordan. It’s as upsetting as being car-jacked."

  "You haven’t lost it, Ryan. It’s just sleeping for a while. You two will work through this, and you’ll be even closer because of it," she said. "I’m sure of it."

  "My therapist says the same thing. It’s just hard to believe when it seems so elusive. We don’t even feel comfortable being naked around each other anymore – and that’s just not like me."

  "It will come back, Ryan. Just trust that your love is stronger than your fears."

  A wide smile settled onto Ryan’s face as she mulled the words over in her head. "I like that, Jordan, I really like that. Our love is stronger than our fears."

  "Kinda cool to both have Fridays off, huh?" Jamie asked brightly when she returned from playing a round of golf the next morning. "Wanna do anything special, or just leave for Noe now?"

  Ryan cocked her head and thought for a moment, then a smile settled onto her face as she said, "Let’s go see your mom. We haven’t had much time with her."

  Jamie crossed the room and took her partner’s face in her hands, giving her a fervent kiss. "You are the most wonderful partner a woman could ever wish for."

  "Does that mean you want to go?"

  "It does indeed, Tiger."

  "Should we call first?" Ryan asked.

  "No, I spoke with her last night. She said she has nothing planned today. Let’s surprise her."

  When they arrived, Catherine was both surprised and very glad to see them. She was dressed in a pair of navy blue wool slacks; very slim fitting and perfectly tailored, and a cream-colored cashmere turtleneck, with a matching cardigan over the top. Her hair was perfectly arranged, and she wore a tasteful amount of makeup, along with a touch of jewelry decorating her throat and ears. "When you unexpectedly came to my house in the morning you saw me in old sweats and a T-shirt," Ryan said. "I was hoping for some of the same."

  "Mother doesn’t own sweats."

  "No, I don’t think I’ve ever had a pair," Catherine said. "This is about as casual as I get, Ryan."

  "I’m not complaining," she said. "You look great, as a matter of fact." But even as Ryan said this, she could see the dark circles under her mother-in-law's eyes, and the lines of stress that seemed to have been carved into the normally smooth face.

  "I think I’ve had better days," Catherine said. "Let’s go into the kitchen and tell Marta that we’ll be three for lunch."

  The cook busied herself making a small snack for Ryan, since lunch was not for another hour. The dark woman ate it gamely, while protesting, "I really don’t have to be fed every ten minutes."

  "You’re too thin," Marta said, reaching over to grab the flesh around Ryan’s waist that refused to budge. "See?" she said triumphantly.

  "You tell her, Marta," Jamie said. "I’ve been trying to fatten her up for two weeks now."

  "You have a long way to go, Jamie," the cook said appraisingly. "I’ll do my best with the lunch."

  Ryan and Catherine went out to sit in the sun, even though it was thin and watery in the winter sky. Jamie lingered in the kitchen for a moment, making some cocoa to ward off the chill. Ryan reached over and grasped Catherine’s hand, looking her directly in the eye as she did so. "How are you, really, Catherine? I don’t see much sparkle in those brown eyes today."

  She smiled fondly at her daughter-in-law and nodded her head slightly. "I had a bad night, Ryan. I found out yesterday that the judge accepted my divorce petition. I had to call Jim last night to tell him."

  "Is it final?" Ryan said with a gulp. "Are you divorced?"

  "Not technically. There’s a six-month waiting period. But it’s the same thing to me," she said. "I told Jim that he’s free to start dating again, and I’m going to try to do the same."

  "Whew," she said, leaning back in her chair.

  Jamie came out just then and asked, "What’s the whew for?"

  Ryan looked to Catherine for permission, and quickly gave Jamie the synopsis. "Whew," she said, getting up to hug her mother tenderly. "I’m sorry it had to come to this, Mom, but I know you tried your best."

  "I think I did," Catherine said. She shook her head and added, "Well, I did the best I could at the time. That’s all that I can do."

  Jamie took her own seat and sipped at her cocoa for a moment. "I take it that Daddy didn’t take the news well."

  "No, he didn’t," Catherine said. "He thinks I’ve chosen Giacomo over him, but nothing could be further from the truth." She looked at her daughter and said, "I’m going to break up with Giacomo, Jamie. I’m not the kind of person who can be satisfied by having an affair with a married man." She shook her head briskly and said, "I don’t know what came over me to even attempt it."

  "But you said that his wife was all right with it," Jamie said.

  Catherine shook her head again, giving her daughter a sad smile. "It’s not his wife who’s the problem," she said. "I deserve more than that,
Jamie. I deserve a man’s full attention. Accepting Giacomo’s divided interest was the same as being married to your father. I’m sick and tired of settling for crumbs!"

  Ryan got out of her chair and squatted in front of her mother-in-law. "That is the most hopeful, positive thing I’ve ever heard you say. I’m proud of you, Catherine." She wrapped her in a hug, gently patting her back when the older woman started to cry. Ryan met Jamie’s eyes, and her partner scooted closer and rubbed her mother’s back at the same time Ryan did. Marta came out to call them to lunch, but went back inside when she saw the tender scene. Lunch can wait, she decided. That poor woman needs all the love she can get.

  Catherine was back in control in just a few minutes, and Marta called them to lunch. During the meal, Catherine commented, "I’ve been hearing from a large assortment of relatives, honey. Do you have any interest in hearing about it?"

  She gave her mother a wry smirk and said, "Well, since none of them have written to me, I can only assume they’re unhappy with me."

  "Only a few of them," Catherine said. "I’d bet that you can guess which ones. The others are unsure of what to say."

  "Yeah, Hallmark doesn’t have a card for, ‘Sorry to hear about your being carjacked’. Much less the ‘With deepest sympathies over having the tabloids ‘out’ you and your lover’."

  "The way the tabloids are, that might be a profitable new line for Hallmark," Catherine said. "Outing people does seem to be the current rage, doesn’t it?"

  Jamie nodded, then said, "I’m going to guess that Uncle David, Aunt Patsy, Uncle Oliver and Aunt Louise are the most upset of the group, right?"

  "Yes, they’re … puzzled to say the least. But that doesn’t surprise me. My mother’s generation was always very prudish about the sexual arena. At least they’re being consistent."