Lifeline

by Susan X Meagher

  "Honey, I’ll touch you any time you want. All you have to do is let me know."

  "That’s the hard part," Ryan sighed. "I’m afraid to let you touch me, ‘cause I’m afraid of where it will lead."

  "Oh, baby, it doesn’t have to lead anywhere. And even if it did, we can work through any problems that come up."

  "I’m afraid to have sex," Ryan murmured. "I’m afraid to be that vulnerable again. I’m afraid I won’t be able to relax, or that I won’t be able to please you again. I worry about it all the time."

  "Oh, sweetheart, you have nothing to worry about. We just need to start slow. Today was a good start, wasn’t it? We’re naked, and we’re touching each other really nicely. It will come."

  "I guess," she said, looking glum. "It’s a start."

  "We had a good start over at Niall’s," Jamie said, giving her a playful grin. "We could have had a good finish if the boys hadn’t been there."

  "Yeah," Ryan said, giving her a crooked grin. "I just let my body react for a change. That’s what I need to do. Let my body speak to me."

  "Our bodies will speak again, Ryan. Don’t you worry that pretty little head. Everything will be fine, love."

  It was still fairly early when they got home – the early O’Flaherty dinner hour helping to assure that. Ryan sat up in bed and started answering e-mails, while Jamie sat at her desk, working on some problems for her real estate investing class. After hearing Ryan sporadically fidgeting for a half hour, the smaller woman finally turned around and asked, "What’s bothering you, babe?"

  Ryan’s face bore a scowl, and she shifted once more. "I’m having a hard time getting comfortable. My back hurts."

  "What’s troubling you specifically?" Jamie asked. "You didn’t hurt a disk, did you?"

  "No, not really. I’m just stiff. I think I tweaked a muscle under my scapula."

  Without another word, Jamie got up and approached her. "Let me give you a real massage. I didn’t get to work on you much in the shower."

  "Uhm … okay. Would you grab me something to sleep in?"

  Sighing heavily, Jamie fetched her partner a T-shirt and a pair of boxers. Handing the clothes through the bathroom door, Jamie went back to her computer and tried to work. Eventually, Ryan came out, looking absolutely lovely – her simple beauty making Jamie’s breath catch in her throat.

  The outfit that she had chosen was one she had purchased for Ryan in Pebble Beach. A blue silk T-shirt, just a shade darker than her eyes, and matching silk boxers in the same vivid blue, with tiny red, white and yellow sailboats on them. The deep hue brought out the vividness of Ryan’s eyes, and made her hair look jet-black. Even her dark eyebrows and lashes stood out, and Jamie found herself fascinated with their color and texture.

  The outfit was made for a man, but Ryan filled it out beautifully, the round globes of her ass straining the soft fabric just slightly.

  Her hair was put up in a haphazard twist, and a few strands had fallen from the clip that held it up, and were now curling slightly around her face and neck. Her freshly-scrubbed face made her look clean and bright and healthy – the pink hue of her cheeks enormously appealing to Jamie.

  Ryan gave her a curious look, and then she looked away quickly after seeing the open admiration, and unveiled interest on Jamie’s face. "I uhm … I think I’ll just hit the sack," she mumbled.

  "Let me give you that massage," Jamie said, trying to ignore the tension in the room.

  "Nah … I think I’m fine."

  Before she could change her mind, Jamie was on her feet. Grasping Ryan’s hand gently, she said, "I’d uhm … really like to massage you. I miss touching your body, sweetheart, and I know you miss it, too. We need this, Ryan. We need touch."

  The smaller woman could see the stab of fear that darted across Ryan’s eyes, could hear her start to breathe a little heavier – but she didn’t withdraw her request. With deep admiration, Jamie watched her partner face her fears, and refuse to give into them. "I miss it too, Jamie." Without another word, she took Jamie’s hand and led her to the bed. Ryan lay down, face first, and pointed at the areas that were troubling her. "It’s under the right scapula," she said.

  "Okay, I can handle this," the blonde confidently said. "I think I’ll go all out," she said. "I’ll give you the whole professional treatment."

  "You don’t have to …"

  "Hush now," she said. "I want to create a nice atmosphere and get you thoroughly relaxed. As soon as I’m done, you can just drift off to sleep. It’s your first day of practice tomorrow, you know," she said. "I want to you be well rested."

  "All right," Ryan sighed. "I leave myself in your capable hands."

  Jamie lit a few candles and placed them on the nightstands, then turned on one of Ryan’s favorite CD’s: a nice collection of traditional Irish songs performed by an assortment of women artists. As the soft strains of the first tune began, she sat on the edge of the bed and tried to decide how to approach her task.

  Momentarily pleased that Ryan was willing to extend herself and allow the touch, Jamie sighed in dismay when the larger woman made no move to remove her clothing. Not wishing to push her further than she wanted, Jamie decided to work around the impediments. She took a container of lightly-scented body powder, and pushed Ryan’s shirt up with one hand, while she sprinkled the powder all over her back.

  "Nice," the reluctant patient murmured when knowing fingers started to glide over the smooth skin. "Is that powder?"

  "Uh-huh. I didn’t want to get lotion on your clothes."

  "Mmm … good idea," Ryan said, her clothing obviously purposefully intact.

  Following the example that Ryan had shown her many times, Jamie patiently moved up and down her back, never remaining in one place for too long. Ryan was completely silent, providing very little feedback – in stark contrast to her usual grunts, groans and moans. It was like she was holding back – trying to control her response, but Jamie didn’t let that deter her. She just kept working, focusing on Ryan’s muscles.

  She had to tug the print shorts down a little, and she felt a wave of sadness when Ryan tensed noticeably. But when she showed that she was merely trying to get at the strained muscles in her lower back, Ryan relaxed a bit. Jamie’s mind drifted to the previous spring when she’d given Ryan a massage after their bike ride up on Mt. Tam. The fact that Ryan had seemed so blasé about her near nakedness that night – even though they were just friends – struck a painful chord, and Jamie had to struggle to keep from crying. It felt like they had so very far to go – that things had grown so stilted and tentative between them in such a short time – that she was overwhelmed with sorrow. The only way she could continue was to try to still her mind, and just concentrate on the movement of her fingers, and the reaction of the individual muscles.

  It took a lot of concentration to be able to ignore the pain in her gut, but Jamie put all of her self into the effort. Even though she was sad, she forced herself to let Ryan’s body feel her touch – to in some way let those nerves feel her, to experience her as a long-absent friend.

  With a frustrated moan, Ryan’s entire body tensed noticeably. She let out a growl and rolled away, a fine sheen of sweat appearing on her forehead and upper lip. "My brain won’t give me a fucking break!"

  "It’s all right, sweetheart," Jamie murmured, her heart heavy. "Time and patience are the keys. We’ll get there eventually."

  "Huh-uh," Ryan said, shaking her head defiantly. "I’m tired of being patient. I’m tired of waiting. I’m nearly phobic about really being open, baby, and I’m sick of it."

  "I know that, honey, but this isn’t the kind of thing you can force."

  Ryan rose up on an elbow and cocked her head a little. Looking like an idea had just occurred to her, she asked, "Says who? Says who? I’m sick of this touchy feely crap, Jamie. I’m sick of everybody telling me to just wait for the right time. That’s not who I am!" She disentangled herself from her partner and stood up, staring at her with eyes blazing. "I have
to be who I am! And that includes this! I’m a person who takes action. Spending all of this time reflecting has been helpful, but it’s not helping any more. Now I’m just stuck, and I’m fucking sick and tired of it!"

  "How can I help you get unstuck? I’ll do anything," she said.

  It took only a second for the dark woman to make up her mind. "I want to make love," Ryan said. "I want to look you in the eye and touch your body … then I want to touch your soul." Her stern expression gentled, and she sat on the edge of the bed, running her hands through Jamie’s hair. "My soul needs your touch to heal." Taking her partner’s hand, she brought it to her lips and kissed it gently. "My soul is hungry, Jamie. It’s slowly starving – and only you can give it sustenance."

  Looking up at her partner, Jamie saw the grim determination in her sparkling blue eyes. She was filled with respect for the risk Ryan was willing to take, and immediately sought to soothe her. Nodding briefly, she said, "You’re right. It’s time to stop talking and live." Extending her arms in welcome, Jamie murmured, "Come lie with me and let me love you, Ryan."

  She did so, pressing her body against her partner’s. Jamie tugged her T-shirt off, then tucked her thumbs into the waistband of Ryan’s boxers and slipped them off her. She let her hands roam unfettered all across the smooth expanse of skin, feeling her breath catch as she did so. The feeling was so glorious that she would have been satisfied to just gently caress her partner, but Ryan was on a mission, and she had no intention of stopping until she had broken every barrier that had been erected.

  Sitting up, Ryan started to unfasten the buttons on Jamie’s pajama top. When it was open she slipped it from her shoulders and dropped it to the floor, then spent a moment letting her hand play upon the treasures now revealed. With a small, shy grin, Ryan gazed into her lover’s eyes and said, "God, I’ve missed this."

  "I have, too." Maintaining her gaze, Jamie pulled the tie to her waistband, and slid out of her pants, then cuddled up against her partner, relishing the skin on skin contact. "This is divine," she sighed.

  "Lie on top of me," Ryan said. "I want to feel your weight pressing against me."

  "Mmm … my favorite position." Shifting her weight, Jamie climbed aboard and gazed into Ryan’s eyes for a moment. "How’s this? You okay?"

  "My heart’s beating a little quickly, but I’m gonna ride it out," Ryan said. "Just stay with me." She started to perform her deep breathing exercises, and after a few minutes she nodded her head. "I’m okay now. I started to think too much."

  "Maybe I can distract you a little. Turn your sweet little brain off and just feel." Jamie dipped her head and started to kiss her, keeping her touch slow and gentle, lazily playing with her lover. Tenderly, she caressed Ryan’s lips, nibbling a little, then sucking each lip into her mouth. Ryan started to breathe heavily, but it didn’t seem like anxiety this time. Persisting in her explorations, Jamie leisurely probed Ryan’s mouth with her determined tongue.

  "Mmm," Ryan purred as the blonde head pulled away. "That’s nice … very nice."

  Reaching up with her hand, Jamie ran her fingers through Ryan’s hair and looked at her with concern. "Are you okay, baby?"

  "Fine. I’m fine," Ryan said. "Uhm … let’s just keep going without analyzing it, okay? It makes me nervous to have you ask if I’m all right. If I need to stop, I’ll tell you, okay?"

  "Perfect." She gave Ryan a small kiss, and asked, "Do you want to lead, or should I ravage you as usual?"

  Chuckling softly, Ryan said, "I think I’d better lead, if you don’t mind being submissive for a change."

  "I can manage," Jamie said, intentionally trying to keep the tone light and playful. "Do you remember how? It’s been months since you’ve had a submissive woman in bed."

  "Smart ass," Ryan said, giving her partner a pinch. "You’re in a pretty vulnerable position there, babe. You’d better watch it."

  "Especially when I’m lying on top of a big, strong, dominant woman like you. Goodness knows what you’re capable of."

  "Goodness has nothing to do with it," Ryan said, rolling Jamie onto her back. "Now, where was I?"

  "You were about to dominate me," the blonde said, blinking up at her innocently.

  "Ahh, yes. Having my way with fair, young maidens. My favorite hobby." She settled much of her weight on her arms, as she hovered above her partner.

  Jamie reached up and tenderly brushed her hair back, smiling up at her as she said, "This is the way I picture you when I fantasize about making love. I think of you poised over me – ready to pounce." Trailing her fingers over her face, she continued, "I love to feel your body on mine. It’s so heavy and dense, and just bursting with muscles." She managed to free both hands and started to stroke the smooth muscles in the arms which strained a little as Ryan held herself up. "I feel like you’re totally in charge – that I’m completely under your control. I know you’d never hurt me, but I feel a tiny, tiny bit of trepidation when you hover over me like this. Kinda like when you’re on a roller coaster. You know it’s safe, but still …"

  "But still … you never know when the tiger might strike," Ryan finished for her, purring softly. She started to nibble all over Jamie’s body, latching onto every spot she could sink her teeth into. After a moment, her bites started to tickle, and Jamie started to squirm under her. Ryan didn’t slow her assault, continuing to nibble and bite her breasts, the soft skin on her belly, the backs of her arms. Flailing hands tried to keep her at bay, but Ryan merely grasped both wrists and held them above Jamie’s head, rendering her completely helpless. The blonde struggled for a moment, then started to move under Ryan in a decidedly sensual fashion, looking up at her with smoky green eyes.

  Panting softly, Jamie told the truth that resonated in her soul, "I put myself in your hands, Ryan."

  "Oh, sweetheart," she sighed, her eyes fluttering closed for a moment. "Making yourself so vulnerable to me is such a gift."

  "I trust you completely," she whispered. "I never feel safer than when you’re in complete control. I can hardly move a muscle, but I feel totally cared for and protected."

  "You are, baby. You’re always safe with me."

  "Do you feel the same with me?" Jamie asked softly, staring deeply into Ryan’s eyes. "Do you feel safe?"

  "Uhm … yes … mostly," she said. "I mean, I did before, but now …"

  "Tell me," Jamie said. "Tell me exactly what frightens you."

  "I told you before," she said, looking away, then biting her lower lip. "I think of how I almost lost you, of how I put your life in jeopardy. Then I start to panic." She released her grip upon Jamie’s wrists and brought her arm down to brace herself more firmly, since her body had begun to tremble.

  Jamie reached up and grasped her face, forcing her to make eye contact. "Ryan, what those men did to us was horrible. The things that could have happened, but didn’t, are equally horrible. But none of those dreadful things happened. At this point, those men can’t hurt us anymore – we can only hurt ourselves, and each other." She pulled the dark head down and kissed her hard. When she released her, her eyes were blazing. "We need each other now, more than ever. But we have to focus on the reality of the situation. We can’t let our imaginations run wild. Focus on the here and now, Ryan. Please!"

  "How?" she asked, her question so simple, yet so complex.

  Her hands were still holding Ryan’s face, and she pulled her down onto her chest. "Feel my heartbeat, baby. Can you hear it?"

  "Yeah … it’s beating nice and strong." She placed a soft kiss on the skin just over her partner’s breast.

  "Feel my arms around you, holding you tight," she said, doing just that.

  "Mmm … safe and warm," Ryan sighed. "There’s no nicer place on earth."

  "Feel the warmth of my skin, Ryan, and watch my chest rise and fall as I breathe. I’m alive, and so are you." She kissed her lover again, then looked into her eyes as she said. "Every day we have is a gift. We saw how quickly our world can be turned upside down, but we can�
��t let that stop us from cherishing the gift. I firmly believe we’ll enjoy a very long life together, but even if that’s true, we still don’t have a day to waste! Let’s do our damnedest to not let our fears keep us from exploiting the most precious gift – the gift of life."

  Ryan raised up a little, letting her focus more clearly on the strength and determination in her partner’s eyes. "That’s always been my philosophy," she said softly, looking puzzled. "I’ve managed to lose track of that, somehow."

  "You can get it back," Jamie said. "It’s easy to learn, baby," she said. "After all, I learned it from you."

  "You did?" Ryan’s face creased into a warm, child-like smile. "Really?"

  "Of course. A couple of months after we met, you explained your philosophy of life, and it was so appealing that I started doing some reading on it. My grandfather and I talk about it all the time, Ryan. It … it helped change my life."

  "Remind me," she said softly, closing her eyes.

  In a soothing tone, Jamie said, "Be in the moment. Experience life as it’s presented to you – not how you want it to be. Open your senses and feel every sensation. Disengage your mind, and let your body rule."

  Ryan closed her eyes and did her breathing exercises for a few minutes. Jamie lay beneath her, watching the stress lines start to fade from her face. Her chest rose and fell rhythmically, with each breath becoming fuller and easier. "I can do this," she said quietly. "I know I can do this."

  "I know you can, too. I have nothing but confidence in you. And in us."

  Giving her the crooked smile that always melted Jamie’s heart, the dark beauty whispered, "Especially us."

  Tossing her arms around Ryan’s back, Jamie hugged her fiercely. "Come on, you big, powerful dom. Make me your woman."

  "I can’t make you mine," Ryan said. "You have to come willingly."

  Raising a dark blonde eyebrow, the smaller woman said, "Sometimes you give me such a set-up that it’s too easy to bother with. Like shooting fish in a barrel."

  "Such a clever girl," Ryan said. "I love clever girls."