by Roya Carmen
This is the reason I do what I do.
Jade
“He’s looking for you,” auntie Ruthie’s breath is hushed across the line, almost as if she’s afraid someone is spying on her.
My stomach sinks. I’m afraid he’ll find me. I know he’ll find me.
“Tell me everything, auntie Ruthie,” I plead. “When did he come to see you?”
“Uh…” she stammers. “It was a few days ago,” she confesses. “I wanted to tell you but I didn’t want to upset you. I thought you needed some time to settle down at the Riverstones.”
My heart is beating a mile a minute. I’m angry but deep inside, I know she was right to keep me in the dark. I’ve had quite a peaceful time these last few days, even if Michael has been sitting there at the back of my mind, his presence threatening. The vision of his dark ominous eyes will never leave me. The fire reflected in them in times of anger and passion has both scared me and aroused me. The memory of the flicker of his passion will be etched in my mind until the day I die. “Tell me everything,” I press.
“He came early in the morning,” she starts. “I wasn’t even dressed. I was still in my housecoat, having a cup of tea.”
Auntie Ruthie tends to ramble so I know this is going to be a lengthy story. I suck in a deep breath and sit on my bed, readying to absorb the information. I need to be equipped with all the facts in order to know what to do next.
“He banged at the door, scaring the bejeebers out of me. I peeked through the window and when I saw it was him, I wanted to go run and hide. But I didn’t want him to break into the house. So with my fingers shaking, I opened the door slowly. And there he was, seven feet tall.”
At six foot three, he’s not quite seven feet tall, but he does seem that way sometimes; intimidating and larger than life.
“He had a big smile on his face but it was creepy,” she says, her voice trembling softly as it has for quite a few years now. “He said, ‘Hello, Auntie Ruthie, how are you?” as pleasant as can be, but I knew he was there—”
“So he didn’t threaten you at all?” I finally ask. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”
“No, no. He was quite composed. I could tell he was angry inside, but he was doing a pretty good job hiding it. I invited him in for tea and we got to chatting about you. He didn’t mention that you left him. He was quite evasive about the whole thing… he was acting pretty shady if you ask me.”
Shady. That’s an apt word to describe Michael.
“He asked a lot of questions about you. When was the last time we chatted? Had I seen you lately? We’re you planning to visit soon? And all the while, my heart was practically pounding out of my chest. But I put on a smile and told him I hadn’t heard from you in a while. I went on and on… even shed a tear or two,” she tells me and then her voice rises an octave or two, taking on a cheerful tone. “I knew my failed acting career might come in handy one day. I’m glad it wasn’t a complete waste after all.”
I smile at her words, the moment bittersweet. Auntie Ruthie always had stories when I was young. She’d entertain me with stories of her life as an actress in the theatre while we worked in unison, creating beautiful handmade jewelry. She’d sell the jewelry at craft fairs and always give me a healthy portion of the profits. I could finally buy the pretty things I never had before. She had wanted to become the next Elizabeth Taylor. She had certainly been attractive enough, just not lucky enough.
“He fell for it?” I ask, still unsure. Michael can be sneaky. He can’t always be easily read. He wears masks often, so often it becomes impossible to tell who the real Michael is.
“Hook, line and sinker,” she says.
I promise to call her again. We both have pre-paid cell phones. We only have so many chat minutes on our cards and every time I use it, my fingers shake a little.
“I worry about you, Auntie Ruthie,” I tell her. “I worry he’ll come back. And next time, maybe he won’t be so friendly.”
“I’m fine, sweetie,” she assures me. “Like I told you, he didn’t suspect a thing.”
I think about Michael. He’s hit me but he’s never beaten me. Strangely enough, I don’t really think of him as a violent man. I’ve only witnessed him being violent once; the night we met, the night I will never forget.
Flynn
Buddy is being difficult again. Such a pig headed pony. I stifle a laugh as Jade unsuccessfully struggles to get him to move. But he’s not budging, not even an inch. He’s just a pony, but he’s still a lot bigger than her. Her brows knit together as she pulls at the lead rope. The rope is useless because this pony refuses to move.
A laugh escapes, and I attempt to muffle it with my hands but she catches me.
“It’s not funny,” she says, peeved. Even peeved, she still manages to be beautiful. I shake my head again. I really need to get a grip. I’m here to help her, not to fantasize about her. As much as I’d like her wrapped around me, I’m her therapist and she’s my client.
“You need to talk to him,” I remind her. “You guys are friends, remember?”
“C’mon, Buddy,” she says. “You need to work with me here. You’re making me look like a useless idiot.”
I laugh again. “Don’t bully him but show him who’s boss,” I tell her. “He might be bigger than you but you’re in charge. Tell him so and tug at the rope a little.”
She eyes me with a dash of contempt. And then she turns to Buddy. “Sweetheart, you need to listen to me, okay,” she pulls at the rope, firmly but gently. “If you do, I’ll have another apple for you.” As if by magic, Buddy starts to walk. She turns to me, beaming.
I shoot her a wink, so proud of her. “Good job.”
She jerks her gaze shyly. Damn, I know I shouldn’t have done that. That wink just got away from me. When was the last time I winked at a client? Never. The last time I winked at someone, it was at The Brew when I was shooting pool with Aiden, and a gorgeous red head had been watching us. I took her home that night. We didn’t have much in common, but it had been fun. And she wasn’t a fan of the barn loft. She was profusely allergic to cats – our relationship was doomed.
But damn, I’m wondering if I should give her a call, suggest we meet at her place this time. Because I certainly need a distraction. I need to stop thinking about Jade.
I follow them as we head to the paddock.
I sprint to get to the gate before they do so I can open it for her. She can lead the horse but she’s certainly not skilled enough to handle both him and the gate. If she attempted it, he’d get away from her – I know the little rascal.
The expression on her face as she successfully leads him to our destination is priceless. I’m so happy with the progress she’s made thus far. This is not about re-hashing the abuse and everything she’s been through. This is about giving her a sense of control. This is about feeling strong, knowing she can’t be bullied, knowing she’s resilient and important… and beautiful. It’s about giving her the self-confidence she so desperately needs.
I smile at her again. “Are you ready to get dirty?”
Her brows perk up and her eyes dance. “I… think so,” she says, curious. “What did you have in mind?”
For some reason, my mind goes right where it shouldn’t go again – maybe it’s the word ‘dirty’. Oh how I’d love to get dirty with her. I shake my head again. Seriously, I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I’ve been around my share of beautiful women before, but this one… there’s just something special about her.
“Sit on the ground,” I say simply.
She freezes, wide-eyed. She thinks I’m crazy. “What?! But it’s filthy… full of horse manure.”
“I thought you were rough around the edges, Jade,” I tease. “You’re always telling me you’re not a princess.”
She swallows, staring at the ground.
“There’s a reason I had you put on rubber gloves,” I point out.
Her eyes are still as big as saucers when she says, “You planned this al
l along? You planned to bring us here and have me sit in mud?”
“Yes, exactly.” I stifle another laugh – she’s too funny. “Remember when I had you stand right behind Buddy?” I say to her. “That was a trust exercise, and you were splendid. I could see how unsure you were but in no time, you seemed at ease.”
She stands there, listening to my words, quiet as a mouse.
“This is just another exercise. You’ll be sitting in the pasture at his feet. This will be a scary vantage point for you.”
I inch closer to Buddy, crouch to the ground, and sit cross legged right in front of him. I shoot Jade a smile and pat the ground next to me.
With a tight grin, she hesitates at first, but then she slowly sits down next to me, mimicking my actions. Buddy seems like a great stallion from this angle. He pays us no mind.
I can sense Jade’s apprehension. I can almost see her heart beating – her anxiety is palpable. “Just breathe,” I tell her. “Yes, he could kick you in the head, but he won’t.”
She’s still heaving, struggling to catch her breath. “Are you sure about that?” she quips. “Just so you know…” she turns to me. “I think you’re a quack.”
I laugh so loud, Buddy startles. And then Jade startles too. Instinctively, I wrap my arm around her and draw her closer to me – it’s an automatic gesture to comfort her and let her know she’s safe. But then, I find her wrapped in my arms, her gaze fixing mine, eyes dark, her breathing still ragged. My heart races. I want to kiss her. So badly.
“Uh…” I falter, swiftly pulling from her. “I… you’re all right. Sorry about that.”
She sucks in a breath. “I just… I was on the fence,” she says, “I thought you might be a quack but now I’m sure. It’s official,” she says playfully. “No offence.”
I laugh. Damn, she’s flirting with me. She’s certainly not making my life easy. “No offence taken.”
“But don’t get me wrong,” she’s quick to add. “I think it’s working… whatever it is you’re doing is working. I’m just…” she trails off, at a loss for words.
“You’re doing amazing,” I tell her. She really is.
Her eyes glisten when she says, “Thank you so much, Flynn. You’ve been so kind to me. All of you… you, Amber… Ruby. You guys are amazing. I feel like I’ll be able to start over…” Her eyes are wet and dark and when she turns from me, I desperately want to pull her back around, kiss her and make her forget everything; the horrible words, the hard slaps, the hurt.
Damn, this is not getting any better. I’m getting too caught up in this woman, too emotionally invested. I know the protocol. I’m supposed to remain disconnected. I’m not supposed to get emotionally attached like this. I rise swiftly and offer my hand. “I think that’s good for today,” I announce. “Maybe we can cut it short today. You did amazing and you deserve a break.”
She seems stung as she rises, the top of her head barely reaching my neck. “But… I thought…”
“We’ll head back and you can grab yourself a drink. I don’t know about you, but I’m parched,” I tell her as we both head back to the barn. She struggles to remain in step with me, my long strides outpacing hers. Her walks morphs into a jog as she tries to keep up with me. I don’t know why I’m running from her. I’m just a bit overwhelmed and for the first time in my life, I don’t quite feel in control of the situation.
It’s been way too long.
I know I need to get out more. Aiden and I haven’t hung out for a while. Ever since he hooked up with Amber, he has no time to hang out in bars with me. And why would he need to? He’s found the love of his life already. I know I work too hard. I know it’s not good for me. Isolation is not good for anyone and it can lead to this exact kind of thing – falling for a client.
Maybe I’m just lonely, starved for human interaction and affection. But no, it’s more than that with Jade.
I fiddle with the shower taps to get the temperature just right, my mind full of her. I strip off my clothes. I’m filthy. My mind is just as filthy, chock full of all the wrong images – Jade and I, naked as the day we were born. I don’t fight my mind as I picture all the things I would love to do to her. As the stream of hot water hits my back, I imagine her wrapped around me. I imagine what she would taste like.
I wanted to kiss her so badly, I’m surprised I was able to pull away. But I’m afraid I won’t be so strong next time. I’ve done well but I don’t know how long I can keep this up. How long can I keep my hands off her? There’s just something about those emerald eyes, those lips…
She’s all I can see when I wrap my hand around my hard length and stroke myself, reaching for my release. Maybe I can just do this from here on – rein myself in around her, and then jerk off, my mind full of her.
I imagine myself inside her as my release finally comes. She feels so good, tastes so sweet. I know she could never be as perfect as she is in my dreams.
She’s better left there. She can live there for the time being. I know she won’t be here forever. And eventually, when she leaves and moves on with her life, she’ll only be a memory, a wonderful sweet recollection.
Jade
“I’m so jealous,” Amber scoffs as she pulls out the pink suit from Ruby’s closet. “I wish I could fit into it.” It’s a beautiful classic vintage two-piece, probably worth a small fortune. It’s exactly the kind of thing I might have worn at Sunday brunch in my old life.
My old life seems so far away today. I know it’s not been very long, but so much has happened since I left Michael.
When I first left, all I could think about was Michael. I left him a casserole in the refrigerator, a spotless house and a sealed handwritten letter on the foyer table. I told him I had gone away to heal, and that I needed time by myself to reflect on our relationship. I asked him not to come and look for me. I also told him I loved him but that I couldn’t take the violence anymore. I imagined his reaction when he found the letter – I pictured him punching the wall. I wondered if had already started looking for me. I worried he would find me.
But now, all I can think about is Flynn. All I can see is Flynn; those striking large honey eyes, that soft smile of his, and the curves of his tall lean body. I know he’s too tall for me, but then again, so was Michael. I’m shocked by my reaction to Flynn – the last thing I thought I’d ever be interested in is another man. I never thought I could ever trust any man, but there’s just something so sweet about Flynn, something that tugs at my heart – he’s like an angel sent from above.
“That’s a lovely suit,” I tell Ruby, a little envious. It’s not so much the suit itself, it’s how small it is. I could never squeeze myself into that thing. Ruby has the tiniest waist. She’s the kind of woman you love to hate, until you get to know her and realize how sweet she is.
“It was our mother’s,” Amber explains. “Ruby inherited it because she’s the only one who can fit into it.”
I smile up at Amber. She and I are both a little curvy, but she’s got a couple of inches on me – the curves suit her just fine. Michael is nowhere near me, but I suddenly hear his words. Are you sure you want dessert?... you had quite the meal. Did you get your workouts in this week? You could squeeze into it… just a bit more discipline, princess.
“I’m so sorry my closet is still full of clothes,” Ruby says. “I’ve been meaning to come and get them but I’ve been so busy.”
I smile at her. “It’s no big deal. I don’t need that much space.”
“No worries,” she says, folding the suit carefully and pressing it into a large neon pink plastic bin. “I’ll have this closet cleared in no time.”
My gaze darts across the quaint bedroom and settles on the mannequin in the stunning red silk dress. “Are you taking the red dress?” I ask. “I kind of enjoy looking at it.”
“You’re not taking the mannequin, are you?” Amber asks Ruby and they quickly get into an argument about who the mannequin belongs to. They’re very much acting like the sisters they
are.
My mind drifts to Flynn again, and I stifle a grin. Every time I think about him, I want to smile. I can’t believe I called him a quack.
He wanted to kiss me.
I’m sure of it. I could see it in his eyes. And I wanted it so badly too. I wanted to press my mouth against those gorgeous lips, taste his tongue, and dig my fingers into his sexy beard.
But then, he ran from me. He couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Did he really want to kiss me? Or did I just imagine it? Maybe he saw the expression in my eyes; the desire I felt for him, and got completely spooked. He probably doesn’t see me like that at all. I’m one of his clients, for God’s sake. Why would he like someone like me – short and chubby and plain? A man like him could have anyone – he’s a rugged sexy doctor who looks like he belongs on the pages of an Eddie Bauer catalogue, for crying out loud. I’m sure he’s all about the tall skinny blondes, the kind of girls you see in Calvin Klein ads.
What the hell was I thinking? I’m so delusional.
“Earth to Jade,” Ruby chirps, her voice breaking my train of thought, and I’m thankful for the interruption. “Where have you been, sweetie? You look like someone just stole your lollipop.”
Amber glares at Ruby for a good three seconds. And then she turns to me and studies me for a beat, chewing on her bottom lip. “Ruby,” she says. “Would you mind getting another bin from the basement. I think we’ll need another one.”
“Ughh,” Ruby whines.
Amber smirks at her. “They’re your clothes, Rubes.”
Ruby shrugs and rolls her eyes to the ceiling like a teenager. “Well, see you in three hours,” she says to me, “by the time I get back up here...”
Both Amber and I grin behind her back as she trudges out of the room.
