by Roya Carmen
Amber sits next to me on the bed. “You’re still having a hard time, aren’t you?” she says, a hand on my shoulder. “It will get easier. Every week will get easier. Just keep busy… and know that we’re all here for you.”
We? Does Ruby also know now? They’re both so sweet. And they both think I’m heartbroken over my split with my husband. And I am. But I’m also filled with thoughts of their brother, wondering if he likes me as much as I like him.
Yes… I am shattered over leaving my husband, the only man I’ve known for the last ten years, the only man I’ve ever known. I’m broken up over leaving my old life and everything I knew, including the friends who were never really friends, to find myself in a house full of strangers; wonderful people, but strangers all the same. I worry he will find me and want to hurt me. I worry he will hurt my loved ones. But thankfully, I have no loved ones, with the exception of auntie Ruthie.
My mind is full of apprehension, fear, worry and unbearable anxiety. It is full to the brim.
And still, I’m not sure how I’ve achieved this, but through all this, I’ve still managed to acquire a silly school girl crush.
And now all I can think about is him.
Amber turns to me, a soft grin tracing her lips. She seems a bit unsure. “Actually…” she starts, “speaking of dresses,” she continues. I’m glued to her, anticipating her next words. “I know we’ve just met,” she says. “But I like you a lot, Jade. You and I seem so similar. I feel like I’ve just made a great new friend.”
I’m stunned by her words, speechless. I want to say something. I want to tell her I feel the same way but I’m too taken aback to utter a single word.
“I wanted to ask you something,” she goes on, still wearing that wary expression, “and feel free to say no. No hard feelings if you don’t want to do it.”
I’m dying of curiosity. What does she want me to do? I’m sure it’s something around the Inn. She always seems so busy and overwhelmed. Yes, I’ll do it! I want to scream. I’d be happy to. It would be the least I could do to repay her for everything she’s done for me.
“I was wondering if you’d like to be one of my bridesmaids,” she says swiftly, the words coming out in a rush. Again, I’m speechless. I did not expect this. I’m shocked but also very flattered. And still, I have no words.
She stares at me, eagerly anticipating my response. After an awkward beat, she smiles wide. “Say something. You’re killing me, Jade.”
I nod feverishly, my eyes welling up. I’m so touched. I feel like she’s welcoming me into their wonderful family. “I’d love to,” I finally manage.
Completely out of breath, Ruby is already back with another plastic bin. “What?!” she asks breathlessly. “She’d love to what?
Amber’s face lights up. Her cheeks are flushed and her grin is as wide as her face. “I just asked Jade to be one of my bridesmaids,” she explains. “I’m so happy. She’ll look amazing in the dress. The yellow will suit her colouring beautifully.”
Ruby grimaces. “She didn’t tell you about the dress,” she quips. “She conveniently saves that bit for last.”
I laugh. “I know it’s yellow,” I tell her. “I love yellow.”
“The colour of the sun and daisies,” Amber chirps. “What could be more cheerful than that?”
I completely agree. If there’s anything I need in my life right now, it’s a little more yellow.
Jade
I still think about him. I think about him all the time. I just can’t shake him.
Of course I can’t shake him. We’ve been together for ten years. As much as he hurt me over the years, I can’t help but remember the good times… the sweet times. Because that’s the thing about Michael – he can be as sweet as pie when he wants to be. And he can also be wild; in bed, in life. It’s when his anger gets the best of him that he becomes scary.
I’m faltering again. I can’t shut my mind off. I know this is the best thing I could have done for myself, but yet, I miss him. How fucked up is that? I miss a man who belittles me and hits me. Yet I can’t quite forget how he made my heart race – I’ve been infatuated with him since the night I first met him.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror as I button up my plaid shirt. This is not the woman who was married to him. I’m not sure who this is. My throat grows thick as the tears come.
Why hasn’t he found me yet?
I’m still scared. I don’t want him to find me. But yet… I want him to search for me. I want him to care.
I prop my hair up into a tight ponytail, and call auntie Ruthie to make sure she’s okay. She assures me she is and I breathe a sigh of relief. I tell her I’m doing just fine too.
I’m giddy as I bound down the stairs. The smell of Amber’s home cooking wafts through the house. I walk into the kitchen and sure enough, she stands by the oven and pulls out freshly bakes scones. I probably shouldn’t have one – my jeans are feeling a little snug.
Here I go again, falling into my old patterns. If I want that damn scone, I should damn well have it. I’ve been depriving myself way too long.
Amber turns to me with a smile. “Good morning.”
“Good morning,” I reply. “It smells good.”
She pulls off her pink oven mitts and set them on the messy counter; covered with dishes, a jar of jam, and a pink concoction in the blender. It seems like she’s been going for hours and I’ve just gotten up. I suddenly feel very lazy.
“You want a raspberry smoothie?” she asks and I nod. She grins as she grabs a glass cup from the cupboard. “I also have some leftover scrambled eggs.”
“I’ll take some,” I say. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
She shakes her head as she hands me the smoothie. “No, you just sit yourself down. You have a big day ahead,” she points out. “You have another lesson with Flynn today right?”
I smile. “Yes, we’re tackling an obstacle course in the arena today.”
“Nice.” Her face brightens. “Which horse will you be working with?”
“Buddy.” Flynn comes to mind as I say the word. “I’m looking forward to it.” I’m brought back to that almost-kiss. The thought of him fills me with excitement I haven’t felt in ages. But I know I’m just being silly. It’s a trivial little crush. He’s been so kind and sweet, it’s not a surprise that I would develop feelings for him. There’s even a term for this kind of thing. I think it’s called transference.
I’m just transferring. That’s all it is.
Amber and I enjoy a lovely breakfast. The house is so quiet this time of day on a weekday – just our conversation and the hum of the fan over the stovetop. Aiden and Hershey are long gone, off to work, and Trevor is off to school. There’s just the two of us, and Ginger.
This place is not a lonely place. There’s an energy here. You can feel the love in this home, even when no one is around. Perhaps it’s all the little details; the photos on the mantel, Trevor’s colourful drawings on the refrigerator, the week’s menu written on the chalkboard, the staples left out on the counter and the smell of Amber’s scones.
My old house was a lonely place. Perfect, gleaming and empty. Maybe that’s why I so wanted children. I wanted to bring life to a home that was never truly a home. It was always a house, and impeccable beautiful house.
Did I ever truly want children? Did I want them with Michael?
The air is crisp and windy this morning, and I realize I should have worn a jacket and not just my puffy vest. My back is stiff. My feet are cold in my rain boots. As soon as I step into the arena, secluded from the elements, my body relaxes a bit. Flynn’s smile warms me and suddenly I’m not cold anymore. Here we go again.
Let’s get a grip. I am transferring.
But damn, it’s hard not to transfer when he’s wearing the hottest dark jeans, a slim fitted blue buttoned shirt and the sexy bandana. I never knew I had a thing for cowboys. I bite my lip as I watch him tend to Buddy.
The place is eerily quiet th
is morning. It’s just us, and Blaze in one of the six stalls in the arena. I assume he’s just been out in the arena but I don’t see his rider anywhere. Buddy seems happy to see me when he spots me. I brush my hand through his mane. “Hey, Buddy. Are you being good today?”
He trashes a bit, excited to see me. He probably smells the carrots in my pocket.
“He’s ready to go. He’s been good today,” Flynn says, his dimple in full evidence. I grin shyly like a silly school girl. I shake my head, not too impressed with myself. I do take this seriously, and I really don’t want to come across as a smitten, lovesick imbecile. I’ve been doing well, getting comfortable around the horses, feeling more confident and stronger. I’m really making progress. When I first came here, the anxiety in me was almost unbearable, and now I feel like I can breathe again.
I reach into my pocket. “I know it’s early but can I give him a little treat?”
Flynn smiles and shakes his head. “Well, you know I prefer to wait but yeah… why the hell not. It’s his lucky day.”
I smile as I pull out the cut-up carrot I stole from Amber’s refrigerator.
Buddy chomps at the carrot in my hand eagerly. “I’m breaking all the rules,” Flynn quips. “You know you have me wrapped around your finger… the both of you.”
I don’t look at him, not quite knowing what to say. It sounds like he’s flirting with me but it’s probably just my imagination. I don’t exactly have a lot of experience with this stuff. “Well, I finally manage, “As far as I know, horses don’t have fingers so it’s just me who has you wrapped…”
When I finally manage to look up at him, he’s watching me and his gorgeous eyes bring me to my knees. He’s looking at me the way a man looks at a woman when he wants her. It’s amazing how a single look can completely liquefy you.
He jerks his gaze away and stares out into the arena. “I think we’re ready to go,” he says, not quite looking at me. He pats Buddy on the rump as we set out to walk into the arena. He leads him by the lead rope and I lag behind, still shaken from the moment we just shared. It’s not my imagination – that moment was real… and hot.
Just as they walk past Blaze’s stall, I see the tall dark horse reach his head over his stall door and take a bite right out of Buddy’s side, his big teeth clamping together around a good two inches of Buddy’s flesh. A heartbreaking yelp escapes Buddy as he kicks up in the air. Thankfully, since I’ve been taught to never stand right behind a horse, I’m out of harm’s way.
Flynn turns back, confused.
“Blaze bit him,” I yell, pointing at the offender. “He just bit him.”
“Oh, damn.” Flynn rubs his rump. “You’ll be okay, Buddy. We’ll have to have a little talk with that Blaze, won’t we?”
My heart breaks for Buddy. Why would Blaze do that? He’s so big and Buddy’s so small. Blaze is such a bully.
The arena is all set up in an obstacle course. We’ve been through this before: all I need to do is lead Buddy through the obstacle course, which really should not be a problem at all.
It’s a bright sunny day. The light is reflected through all the see-through panels and windows all around, dust floating through the sunlit air. If there is anywhere a person can feel empowered and alive, it’s here. The ground is soft, trampled by dozens of horses, the obstacle course already set up; cones and barrels and poles on the ground.
We follow Flynn. I breathe in the familiar scent of the arena as I lead Buddy in. Initially, the smell repulsed me but now it has become almost pleasant. Buddy is harder to lead today. I feel a tension in him as he fights me, his hoofs dragging against the ground. Yet he follows me reluctantly – he trusts me. He and I are friends now.
Flynn flashes us a wide smile. “I have it all set up for you,” he says as he makes his way to the beginning of the obstacle course. “We have a few poles to walk over and then a few cones to zig zag around, followed by two barrels we’ll figure eight around and the enclosure to walk in and out of, and finally, a final zig zag between the poles.”
As my gaze darts across the arena at the obstacle course, I realize how much work Flynn has put into this. And I’m not even paying him. He’s doing all this from the goodness of his heart. For a second, I tell myself I don’t deserve this, but then I catch myself. I can’t think like that anymore. That’s the old me.
“All you need to do is lead him through the trail,” Flynn says with a smile.
This should be easy enough. I’m only walking and leading him. I’m not riding him yet. I still haven’t ridden any of the horses, not quite ready for that. As I pull on Buddy’s lead rope and feel him tense, I remind myself I can do this. I want to do this for Flynn, to make him proud. I want to do this for Michael, to prove him wrong. And mostly, I want to do this for me. I want to believe I’m strong, finally in control.
I want to do this, but Buddy is misbehaving. He snorts and thumps his hooves as I try to lead him over the poles. It’s a struggle to clear them as he whinnies and grunts, resisting my pull. My heart breaks. We’ve barely started and I can’t even get him past the cones. As I attempt to lead him around the cones, he acts up, pulls from me, and my strength is no match for his. “C’mon, Buddy. Work with me,” I plead. I really need this today. I need this to move forward. My pulse quickens. My life feels like I’m taking one step forward, and two steps back. As Buddy steps back from me, defiant, it almost becomes a tangible representation of my life.
I have absolutely no control.
“You can do this, Jade,” Flynn calls out. “Make sure he knows you’re in charge.”
I spot Flynn’s expression; anticipation, hopefulness and disappointment. I know I’ve let him down. I pull at the rope and tell Buddy to smarten up, but the tougher I am with him, the more he pulls away. I lose grip of the rope and he runs away from me in a mad dash. Thankfully, he can’t go too far in this enclosed space. Emotion wraps around me, spilling from my centre as tears flow. The last thing I want to do right now is cry in front of Flynn but I can’t help myself. I feel like such a failure.
He rushes over to me and curves his large arms around me, wrapping me up in his warmth. I want to stay there forever, locked up in his embrace, hidden from the world. “I’m sorry. I’m such a loser.”
He jerks from me, and holds me at arm’s length. “I never want to hear you speak like that, Jade. I don’t want you to apologize. I don’t want to hear those words coming out of your mouth.”
I stare down at the trampled soft dirt under my boots, not quite able to face his reprimand. He’s absolutely right. This is why I’m here. I can’t treat myself like this anymore. I’ve let my mother treat me like shit, and then it was Michael. There’s only one person looking out for me now, and that person is me.
I wipe my tears with the sleeve of my plaid shirt and look down at my blue jeans. I was so hopeful when I got dressed this morning. I was sure I could do this. But now…
“Don’t get discouraged. Buddy is not acting like himself today. He must have gotten really spooked when Blaze bit him. We’ll try again another day.”
“I don’t want to try another day,” I scoff and I walk away from him. “I need to get better. I need to move on.” Disappointment quickly morphs into anger and my pulse races again. I feel out of control. Buddy is walking in the far distance, and I want to run after him. I don’t know if I want to console him or tell him off. I kick an orange cone and it feels so good. I kick another one harder and it goes flying. I turn to Flynn who fixes me with disbelief. He thinks I’m crazy.
I am crazy.
His face breaks into a grin as he watches me kick all the cones. He seems thoroughly entertained. “Well, this lesson didn’t quite turn out as I had planned.” He laughs. “But you keep doing that… get your frustrations out. It’s good for the soul.”
My mother’s face. Michael’s face. The bullies at school. They all flash before my eyes as I kick the cones with all my might. Kicking cones is quite therapeutic, but soon enough, I run out of cones.
Flynn is still smirking when he asks me, “Feel better?”
“I don’t. I’m still frustrated. I need more cones.”
A playful grin stretches across his face. “I know what you need,” he says, a twinkle in his eye. “I know the perfect way to get your frustrations out.”
“Really?” I’m officially intrigued. I wonder what he has in mind.
Sex. That would work. Sex would definitely get my mind off my frustrations.
I’m crazy. I can’t believe my mind went there. He’s my therapist.
“I’ll get Buddy in a stall, and then we’ll go up to my loft and I’ll show you what I have in mind.”
“Uh… okay.” I’m speechless. His loft. I’ve never been up to his loft but I assume there’s a bed up there. There goes my mind again, straight into the gutter. I wonder why I’m like this. It’s Michael’s fault. Every time we had an argument or there was any tension of any kind between us, we’d resolve it with sex, and the sex was always explosive. It was our way to heal our wounds. Even after he hit me, once or twice, I let him seduce me. How fucked up is that? Now, I crave it. I’m frustrated and edgy, and I want to release the tension. I don’t want to think anymore. I just want to do something that feels good. I want to sleep with Flynn. I want him to fuck me. Hard. Just like Michael used to.
As he leads Buddy slowly out of the arena, he makes it look so damn easy. I study his long stride in his sexy dark jeans and the V shape of his torso. A hint of a smile traces his lips as he speaks to Buddy and settles him back into a stall.
I want Flynn. I fantasize about him bending me over the edge of his bed, cool crisp white linens cold under my naked body, the hot length of him pressed against my back.
Buddy follows him obediently into the stall. I rub at my forehead. This is only adding to my frustration. Now I’m not only angry, I’m sexually frustrated too.
Jade
We walk out of the warm arena into the cool air again. We trek over to the stables a few yards away. I follow him up the narrow stairs nestled on the side of the barn. I’m giddy as we climb higher. I’ve always wanted to see what was up here and now I finally get to.
