by Roya Carmen
“Fuck, Jade…”
I finally wrap my whole mouth around him. As he throws his head back, a growl escapes him. He loves it. I’ve never done this to anyone but Michael, and I could have never imagined this. This doesn’t feel tawdry or dirty as it sometimes did with Michael. Flynn is not taking advantage of me. With Flynn, it’s different.
Dorothy hands me the icing tube. “I think they’re just about ready.”
I take a seat at the table, ready to create mini masterpieces. This is not the first time I’ve helped her decorate cookies. She loves baking, and this time of year, she favours gingerbread men. She offers them as gifts to friends and family. Apparently, she has three granddaughters and two grandsons who go crazy for them. It’s hard to believe it’s already December. Christmas will be coming soon, and it will be a very weird one for me. I only have auntie Ruthie. I will be spending Christmas with her and Flynn, but we’re not sure where yet. Amber and Ruby have kept in touch via email. Ruby came to see me once, apologizing for Amber’s absence. I miss Trevor so much, but I understand. I miss them all… Ginger, the horses, and the Inn.
I need to go Christmas shopping soon: my list is long this year: Flynn, Trevor, Amber, Ruby, auntie Ruthie, and Dorothy and Harry.
I’ve only been here a few weeks but Dorothy and Harry have taken me under their wings, and treat me like their own daughter. Over the past few weeks, Dorothy has asked a lot of questions. Secrets are often shared over tea and cookies. I’ve told her all about my abusive mother. I couldn’t bring myself to confide to her about Michael. I told her about my ‘friend’ Kevin – that’s what I call Flynn. She thinks we’ve only kissed. She still thinks my name is Anna. I pay her in cash, and she still doesn’t suspect a thing.
As far as she’s concerned, Kevin and Anna met at a horse riding retreat and are slowly discovering each other. They are kind of a little boring actually. I wonder where she thinks we go when he takes me for ‘walks’. Hell, maybe she knows everything – she was young once too. She’s invited Kevin for tea quite a few times – Kevin always charms her socks off.
I hate the lies. But they make me feel safer. If Michael ever comes to her door and asks questions, she might mention Kevin, and he’ll be thrown off.
Baking is relaxing – it takes my mind off the divorce and all the stuff going on in my life. I’ve been to see the attorney twice. Michael is contesting the divorce, causing so many headaches. The restraining order also complicates things. Why can’t this be easy?
Michael hasn’t found me yet. I’m not sure if he will now. The restraining order might be keeping him away. Maybe the incident at the bar was a wake-up call. Perhaps my email got through to him – I’m not sure if he read it – he never responded. Maybe he realizes how crazy he’s become.
But then again, maybe he just hasn’t found me yet.
I’m sitting cross-legged on the living room floor when Dorothy joins me. “Do you need any help with those?”
I grab the scissors and slice through the wrapping paper. “No, I’m fine. I enjoy this.”
She takes a seat in the armchair across me, a cup of tea in hand. “Me too. Wrapping gifts is one of my favourite things about Christmas.”
My gazes travels across the room to the Christmas tree; a work of art; all twinkles and lights, and vintage and homemade ornaments. “Decorating the tree is up there too.”
She smiles. “Yes… thanks for helping out.”
I wrap the snowmen covered paper around the box of Legos I got Trevor. I press a piece of sticky tape along the edge of the paper.
“You’re doing better than me,” she says. “I haven’t started my shopping yet.”
I look up at her. “I’ve always been an early shopper… I get excited I guess.”
She brings the cup of tea to her mouth. “You’re sweet.”
She watches me quietly like a mother would watch a daughter. She has three grown sons but no daughter. I wonder if I’m like the daughter she’s always wanted. I feel bad about lying to her and there’s a small part of me who fears that I’m putting her in danger just by being here. I shake my head when I have these thoughts. Michael wouldn’t hurt them. He might hurt Flynn or me, but not anyone else.
“I like you a lot, Anna,” she says quietly, “but I feel like you’re not telling me everything.”
My breath catches. She knows. She’s not stupid.
“Uh…”
“A man came looking for you today.”
My heart falls to my stomach and nausea hits me in a flash. “What?! When?!”
“This afternoon while you were out shopping. He asked if I’d seen you. He had a photo and he called you… Jane… I think.”
I’ve completely abandoned Trevor’s gift. “What did you say?”
“I told him I didn’t know such a girl. I’m old, Anna. I’ve been around the block a few times and instinct told me you don’t want him to find you.”
I drop my scissors and fall into sobs – I can’t help myself. All the stress of the past weeks comes down to this – he’s found me again. “You’re right.”
She kneels to the ground, and wraps her arms around me. “It will be all right, Anna. We can go to the police.”
“We’ve already been to the police,” I cry. “I have a restraining order against him. I need to move again.”
“No, Anna. I don’t want you to go. We love having you here.”
I smile up at her. Maybe she needs me as much as I need her.
Flynn
“Great job,” I call out.
Katie has made so much progress. I’m so proud of her. She smiles at her mother as she strides past her. Her proud beaming mom gives her a thumbs up. Kids like her are the reason I do this. It feels so good to make a difference. She canters a few more times around the arena and dismounts. I help her lead Destiny to the stalls. She hands her a cut-up apple, and we brush her. I check my watch – I can’t be late for dinner. Amber is making lasagna tonight. And then I’ll be off to see Jade.
Jade is all riled up – with reason. That bastard has managed to track her down again. Apparently he was sniffing around at Dorothy and Harry’s house. The asshole knows she has a restraining order but I’m sure he doesn’t give a shit about that. Now she wants to move again. She was so happy there – Dorothy and Harry were amazing to her. The whole thing drives me insane. Why can’t he just make things easy for her and let her go. She’s moved on – can he not see that?
Katie pulls her bag over her shoulder. “Thank you so much, Dr. Riverstone.”
I smile at her and her mother. “My pleasure. You were amazing today.”
She grins shyly as her and her mom head toward the exit. I walk Destiny back to the paddock, the cool harsh wind blowing against us. My brain is muddled. I don’t know what our next move will be. Not knowing what to do feels foreign to me. I usually always know. I always have the answer.
Every time I drive down this road, I’m filled to the brim with excitement. I’m going to see her soon. Every time I see her, my whole being comes alive – everything about her drives me wild. When we chat over coffee with Dorothy, I drink Jade in. I could watch her talking for hours; that wide infectious smile, the way she brushes her hand through her long silky hair, the sight of her long lashes as she stares down at her cup of tea. Simple things.
I love the simple things about her.
I park in my usual spot under the large maple. The night is cold and I huddle as I bounce to the small yellow house. Dorothy greets me with a big grin and a hug. She invites me in for tea and cookies.
Jade flashes me a smile – damn, I’ve missed her. It’s been a whole week. I take a seat at the kitchen table across from her.
Dorothy sets out a plate of assorted Christmas cookies, including gingerbread cookies – they remind me of the ones my mother used to make. For a brief second, I’m taken back to my childhood. My mom and dad, and the four of us, always jumping around and causing a ruckus. I don’t know how my mother handled us – she was a sa
int.
Dorothy fires up the kettle – it’s good old fashioned instant coffee at her house. “Coffee?”
“Sure. Just a small decaf.”
Jade is not herself tonight. She seems on edge. I hate seeing her like this. I wish I could take her away, far away to a tropical island. I’d have to leave the barn and reschedule my appointments. Between Aiden and Amber and the volunteers, maybe we could make it work. There’s also Kyle who we’ve hired in the past – I’d need to find out if he’s available.
I bite into one of the cookies. “These are great, Dorothy.”
She smiles proudly. “Thank you. Thanks for dropping by. We always love having you, Kevin.”
I smile tightly. Every time she calls me Kevin, I feel deviant somehow – I don’t usually keep secrets. My mind wanders back to the tropical island. The idea of having Jade to myself for a whole week, away from the harsh Canadian winter, away from all our problems, away from Michael, sounds like heaven. We’d make love every morning and night. We’d spend our days on the beach, and our nights dancing and drinking Corona and colourful cocktails.
“Earth to Kevin…” Dorothy says.
I turn to her, embarrassed.
“I was just saying that it’s getting pretty cold for a walk.”
Jade shoots me a playful grin. “Never too cold for a walk.”
Sudden visions of Jade straddling me in the back of my truck fill my head. “Yep, we should go out soon,” I say trying not to smile too wide.
“Yes. I’d love that.”
Dorothy stands and takes her cup of tea with her. “You kids have fun. I have a crossword puzzle waiting for me in the living room.”
“Thanks, Dorothy.”
I stand and bring my cup and plate to the kitchen sink. Jade surprises me when she presses the length of her body against my back and wraps her arms around my waist. “I miss you.”
I swivel round to face her. She stretches on the tip of her toes and presses her lips against mine. They taste salty – she’s crying.
She pulls away. “I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.”
I take her in my arms. I don’t know either. “Just don’t panic, Jade. Just stay here for a bit, while the divorce proceedings are under way. Maybe we could get away for a week… somewhere warm. Maybe you could start at the college in January… I think the distraction could be good for you.”
She looks up at me, full of hope. “Let’s go for a walk,” she says with a sly grin.
“Do you think Dorothy is suspicious?” she asks in a whisper as we both put on our winter boots.
I smile. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure she knows what we’re up to.”
She laughs as we venture out into the cold. “Damn, it’s freezing.”
We sprint to my car, the both of us fighting the ruthless winter wind. I turn on the engine and heat, and we finally seek refuge in the back of the truck.
She reaches for me. “Let’s fog up some windows.”
Her hot mouth presses against mine and I get completely lost in her. Every time I kiss her, I fall a little deeper.
Falling, falling, falling….
A swift current of cold air shocks my senses. It only takes a second for me to register what is happening. Before I can even react, she’s torn off my lap and dragged out of the car. I scramble to get out of the truck too, and when I do, I see her trapped in Michael’s chokehold. My heart breaks at the sight of her; a small ragdoll against a tall dark demon – she looks petrified. Her eyes are pleading. I reach for her but the gleam of Michael’s handgun stops me. He has the gun pointed at her head. “Don’t even think about moving an inch,” he says as he backs away a good foot.
“Michael, you can’t—”
“Sorry to interrupt your little romantic rendez-vous,” he says, his words dripping with sarcasm and eerily monotone. “I always knew you two were fucking.”
I feel helpless. I can’t take any chances – the man is crazy and has a gun. And this is no toy gun – a guy like him has easy access to guns, I’m sure. He’s for real. And he’s jealous and crazy enough to blow her brains out, and mine too.
I try to reason with him. “Think about what you’re doing, Michael. You’re only hurting her.”
He backs away another foot. “The little bitch tried to make me believe there was nothing going between you two. Just friends, she said. Do you two think I’m a fucking idiot?!”
“No, no…”
I don’t dare move and he keeps retreating. She only gets smaller and smaller as he pulls her from me with every step. I wish I could scream for help, but I know any sudden action could set him off. The best thing to do is to let her go for now. I know he loves her – my gut tells me he doesn’t want to hurt her. As soon as they’re out of sight, I’ll call the cops.
The expression on her face as she fades into the night breaks me. The last glimpse I have of her is when he shoves her into his dark SUV. There’s a long struggle and my pulse races wildly as I watch helplessly. He slams the door and shoots me one last look, his eyes dark and crazed, before he hops inside and drives off. I don’t know where he’s taking her but I plan to find out.
As soon as they’re out of sight, I pull out my mobile. My fingers are shaking uncontrollably as I dial 9-1-1.
I will find her if it’s the last thing I do.
Jade
One second I’m kissing the love of my life, and the next, I’m being pulled into the cold night, hard strong hands digging into my arms. I don’t even see his face but I know it’s him – the sheer size of him, the hard grasp of his arm, and his distinctive scent. When I feel the gun on my temple, my body dissolves into him – it gives completely. I know I’m no match for him. It’s over. He’s found me and he has me. As far as he’s concerned, I belong to him and only him. I can’t have my own life without him, I can’t be my own person. What the fuck was I thinking? Why did I drag all these nice people into this when there was never a chance for me? I will never get away from this man.
I don’t fear for my life. It’s not that I don’t care whether I live or die. Somehow, I just know he won’t hurt me. In his own strange way, I know he loves me.
Poor Flynn. The sight of him shatters me. There’s nothing he can do. Flynn is smart and he knows he can’t stoke the fire. My eyes plead with him to not do anything stupid – a single shot to his head and he’s dead. Michael s volatile enough to kill him. Relief washes over me when Flynn backs away, cautious.
As Michael pulls me away from Flynn, I want to scream I love you, but I know better. It’s okay. He knows I love him. Even if we can never be together, he’ll always know I love him. I’ll love him forever.
Michael shoves me into the car. Hard. He pulls my arms together and cuffs me. Then he peels off my boots and cuffs my feet. With a hard grasp, he pulls back my hair and wraps a scarf around my head, covering my eyes. “Settle down, princess. I don’t want to hear a peep.” He wraps the seatbelt around me – somehow, he still cares about my safety.
My heart drums against my ribcage. He swerves onto the road and speeds off. My lungs hurt as I struggle to breathe, breathless. My heart pounds in my ears.
“I’m sorry, princess, but you leave me no other choice. You’re mine, beautiful, and there’s no way you’re spreading your legs for anyone but me.”
I’m speechless. I don’t dare say a word. I wouldn’t know what to say anyway.
“You’ve had your fun but now it’s over. Now, it’s time to get back to you and me.”
He doesn’t say another word, and neither do I.
I focus on my breath, struggling to regain control of my body. The silence in the car is stifling. I want him to say something. I want to say something too but I don’t know where to start. I don’t even know if actual sound would come out if I tried to speak.
He turns on the radio – two cheery radio hosts are blabbering but I don’t hear a single word. He changes the station. Finally he settles on a Coldplay song.
“92.5,” he says. “I
know it’s your favourite.”
I don’t make a sound. What am I going to say? Thank you? Thanks for putting on my jam while you kidnap me.
He’s taken me against my will, the ultimate controlling act. I’m not as scared as one could imagine. I think it’s because it’s not unexpected. Deep down, I always knew he would end up committing such a drastic act.
“The drive will be about three hours,” he informs me. “I have all your things. You left quite a lot when you ran away. I have all your favourites… your favourite tea, chocolates, and your DVDs. I couldn’t find your favourite pajamas though… I assume you took them with you.”
“I have the perfect place for us, Jade. We can start all over. Go back to square one. We can be happy, Jade.”
I’m glad my eyes are covered and all I can see is black because I know the sight of him would make me want to vomit. I can’t believe him. He thinks everything will be all rainbows and sunshine from now on. He thinks we can just go back to the way we were, like none of this ever happened. He thinks Flynn will let me go and not give me another thought. Flynn won’t call the police. No one will know I’m missing. Michael thinks I don’t matter.
The man is more delusional than I thought.
Flynn
I spend the rest of the evening at the police station, giving my statement; everything I know. My hands are still shaking and I can’t imagine ever falling asleep again. I won’t be able to function properly until we find her.
Dorothy and Harry are giving their statements too. They’re such a nice couple – I’m sorry they had to be dragged into this. Amber, Aiden and Ruby will be talking to the police too. They assure us they’re doing everything they can to find her. An alert has already been sent out, with a photo and full description of Jade. I gave them one of the photos I snapped of her, the one I took the day she was riding Liberty. The sight of her smiling face breaks my heart – she was so happy that day.
