Letting Go

by Maya Banks

  Dash threw up his hands and paced back into the waiting area, but he couldn’t sit. How could he? It was déjà vu all over again. Another day. Three years ago. Same hospital. Same horrible wait only for the worst news. Carson dead. They’d been unable to save him. His injuries had been too extensive.

  Only his wreck had been an accident. There’d been nothing he could have done to avoid it. Could Joss say the same? Had she been so upset and distraught that she’d driven her car into a tree hoping for death?

  He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Couldn’t fathom it. But it was what the police suspected. Why else would they want to know if she was suicidal? What if Dash had pushed her to it?

  He finally sat and buried his face in his hands. What seemed an eternity later, a nurse poked her head out the door and called for Joss Breckenridge’s family. As he was the only one there at the moment, he hurried forward.

  “How is she?” he demanded.

  The nurse smiled. “She’ll be fine. She’s pretty banged up, but you can see her. She’s a little woozy from the pain medication we gave her, but we couldn’t medicate her until all the X-rays and CT scan results came back.”

  He didn’t give a fuck what condition she was in as long as she was alive.

  The nurse led him back to one of the exam rooms and then opened the door, allowing him entrance. He sucked in his breath when he saw Joss lying on the stretcher, pale and bruised. There was dried blood at her hairline and at the corner of her mouth.

  She looked so damn fragile that he was afraid to touch her.

  He went to her bedside and fury gripped him all over again. She blinked drowsily and then focused her gaze on him. Instant hurt crowded the silky depths and she turned away. It only pissed him off all the more.

  “You little fool,” he hissed. “Did you try to kill yourself, Joss? Was life without Carson so unbearable that you tried to join him?”

  Her gaze yanked back to him, fury replacing the hurt of just moments ago.

  “Get out,” she said through clenched teeth. “I don’t want you here. I don’t want you anywhere near me. Go to hell, Dash. That’s apparently where you’re most comfortable. God knows, I’ve only kept you there and nothing I do changes that.”

  “Not until I have a damn answer,” he seethed. “You scared ten years off my life, Joss. What the fuck did you think you were doing?”

  “What I was doing was avoiding a child,” she said in a frigid tone. “She ran into the street, and I knew I’d hit her if I didn’t swerve. I never saw the tree. Didn’t care about the tree. All I cared about was missing her. I could have never lived with myself if I’d chosen my life over hers. I was upset and wasn’t paying attention. I should have seen her earlier. I didn’t. But I’ll be damned if she was going to pay for my mistake with her life.”

  All the breath left him in a rush. He sagged precariously and gripped the bed rail for support.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  “I don’t want to hear your apology,” she said stiffly. “I want you out. I don’t want to see you again, Dash. You said all you needed to say this morning. And you know what? It was all bullshit. But you wouldn’t even give me a chance to explain.”

  “Explain what, honey?”

  “Don’t call me that,” she spat. “Don’t call me anything at all. I’ve been feeling so guilty because I’ve all but forgotten Carson. A man who meant everything to me. A man I loved with all my heart and who loved me every bit as much. I was married to him, Dash, and you resent that. You’ve always resented that. You accuse me of continually putting him between us, but I never have. You did. You. Not me. You, damn it. You couldn’t let go because of your own insecurities.

  “Two weeks ago I had a dream. One that upset me greatly. Because in that dream, I had a choice. I could have Carson back or I could stay with you. And I couldn’t choose. God, I felt so guilty because I’d always said I’d do anything at all for just one more day with Carson. If I could have him back, I’d never ask for anything more. But I didn’t choose him. I hesitated. And he disappeared.”

  Dash felt like throwing up. He gripped the bed rail even tighter as he listened to the words that would damn him forever. He’d jumped to conclusions. Horrible conclusions. And Joss had paid a heavy price. Hell, he’d paid the heaviest price of all because he’d lost her when he’d finally had her. And he’d thrown it all away in a moment’s time when he could have simply asked her what she’d been thinking, dreaming.

  “And then last night, I had the same dream. Carson spoke to me. He said we could be together. But I chose this time,” she choked out. “And I didn’t choose him. I chose you.”

  Dash closed his eyes, tears burning the lids. What could he possibly say to any of that? How could he ever make up for the terrible things he’d said to her? The things he’d accused her of.

  “I gave you everything, Dash,” she said painfully. “My love. My submission. My trust. What did you give me? You may have given me sex, but you didn’t give me love or trust. Because you can’t love someone you don’t trust. Not truly. And you haven’t trusted me from the start. You’ve continually put Carson between us. Do you know that I wouldn’t even bring him up in conversation? Before we were together I never thought twice about it. He was my husband and your best friend. It’s only natural that you were the one person I could speak with about him. But you took even that away because I knew you didn’t like it. So you tell me, Dash. What the hell did you sacrifice for me? Because the way I see it, I’m the one who made all the compromises and sacrifices.”

  She shuddered, flinching in pain that the movement caused.

  “We won’t even get into the horrid accusation you just launched at me. You obviously don’t think much of me at all or you would have never thought, even for a moment, that I’d purposely crash my car. Especially when that’s how Carson died. Even if I were that bent on self-destruction, I’d never cause my loved ones the kind of pain I went through when I lost Carson.”

  Each word was a tiny dart that directly hit his heart. She was right. Every word the absolute truth. It shamed him to realize just how wrong he’d been. From the very start. She was right. He hadn’t trusted her. He’d been so insecure, so worried that he could never have her that when she’d given herself to him he hadn’t trusted in that gift because he’d been too afraid of losing it. Of losing her. He’d been so damn wrapped up in his fears that he hadn’t recognized the beautiful gift he’d been given until it was too late. God, it couldn’t be too late. He wouldn’t allow it to be. Whatever he had to do to make it right, he’d do.

  He opened his mouth to apologize. To get down on his knees if necessary. Anything to gain her forgiveness and another chance at her love. But the door burst open and Chessy and Tate hurried in.

  Tate took one look at Joss’s face and turned his black scowl on Dash.

  “What the hell is going on here?” Tate demanded.

  Chessy rushed to Joss’s bedside and Tate pushed in front of Dash, effectively barring him from Joss’s sight. Chessy grabbed Joss’s hand, the one that wasn’t bandaged. Dash only now noticed the cast on her left arm and his insides froze. He hadn’t even asked her condition. How seriously she was injured. He was just so goddamn relieved that she was alive that nothing else had mattered.

  Tate bent over, pulling her into a gentle hug. Joss buried her face in Tate’s neck and gripped Chessy’s hand for dear life.

  “Please,” Joss choked out, her voice aching with tears. “Just make him go. I don’t want to see him now. Just make him leave. Please. I can’t bear it any longer.”

  The fact she was begging, something Dash had sworn she’d never have to do, flayed him open until he was bleeding on the inside.

  Tate carefully let her go and then rounded on Dash, fury glinting in his eyes.

  “Get the fuck away from her. You’re only hurting her more. I swear to God, Dash. I don’t know what the fuck your problem is or why you insist on kicking her when she’s down, but that
shit is going to stop now.”

  “I’m not leaving her,” Dash said emphatically. “If she doesn’t want me in her room, fine. But I’m not leaving this hospital until I know exactly what’s wrong with her and how long it’ll take for her to recover.”

  “She’ll recover a hell of a lot quicker without you upsetting her,” Chessy said in a furious voice. “Get out or I swear I’ll make Tate throw you out.”

  “Him and what goddamn army?” Dash said frigidly.

  “I’ll call security if I have to,” Tate said in a low voice. “You aren’t helping, Dash. Look at her. Take a good look at what you’ve done. She’s in tears and she’s hurting. Stop being such a selfish bastard and for once do the right thing and leave.”

  Joss’s face was turned away as though she didn’t want Dash to see her tears. But how could he miss them? Trailing down her cheeks in silent, silver trails. His gut clenched and grief overwhelmed him. Not even Carson’s death had devastated him as much as Joss lying there, hurt, grieving. Because of him.

  He’d sworn never to be a source of pain or anguish to her. And yet he’d done just that. He was the reason she was lying in a hospital bed, bloody, with broken bones and bruises. And he didn’t know if he’d ever get over that.

  “I’ll go,” he said, barely able to keep his own tears at bay. “But I’m not giving up, Joss. You may have thought I did, but I didn’t. I was an ass. I was a complete bastard to you, but I swear if you’ll give me the chance, I’ll make it up to you. I’ll make it right between us, honey.”

  She didn’t move, didn’t acknowledge his heartfelt declaration. She kept her eyes tightly shut as Chessy hugged and soothed her.

  “I’ll call Kylie,” Dash murmured. “She’ll want to be here. She loves you. I love you, Joss.”

  At that, Joss turned, fire in her eyes. “Never say that again,” she said hoarsely. “It’s not like you to lie, Dash. You’ve always been honest. Painfully so. So don’t change now.”

  Dash pushed past a protesting Tate and leaned in so he could look Joss in the eye.

  “I have never lied to you, darling. And I don’t intend to start now. I said and did some horrible things. I hurt you and I’ll never forgive myself for that. But I love you. I’ve loved you for fucking ever. That will never change. I’ll go because it’s what you want. And I’ll give you time to recover. But goddamn it, Joss, I’m not giving up on us. And I won’t let you either.”

  “You never gave us a chance,” she said in an achingly sad, forlorn voice.

  It cut him to the quick and left him without a response. He stepped back from her bed and slowly, painfully turned to walk out the door.

  She was wrong. She was right and she was wrong. He may not have given them a chance before, but he wasn’t giving up. He’d move heaven and earth and go to hell and back if that’s what it took to make her his forever.

  THIRTY-ONE

  JOSS stared sightlessly from the window of the guest bedroom where she was staying—and recovering—at Chessy’s house. Kylie was by every day after work, worried about her. Both her friends were concerned, as was Tate. Not about her injuries. They were minor and would mend with time. Her heart was another matter.

  The pain was back, throbbing in the background, but she lacked the energy to get up to down one of the painkillers the doctor had prescribed. She’d fractured two ribs and her left arm. Her arm had only suffered a hairline fracture, not a complete break. She’d be out of the cast in four weeks.

  Her head had struck something—she still wasn’t sure what—and she had several stitches for a laceration on her scalp. She had facial bruising, and the rest of her body was sore from the impact. Her neck was stiff, a mild case of whiplash, but the doctor had cheerfully informed her she was a very lucky woman.

  So why didn’t she feel lucky? Why hadn’t Carson been as fortunate as she? Why was fate such a fickle bitch as Dash had once described it? Why was she alive and Carson dead?

  It wasn’t as though she’d wanted to die. No matter what Dash may have originally thought. Yes, it was certainly her fault, and she thanked God on a daily basis that her carelessness hadn’t cost a child her life. But she hadn’t intentionally driven into that tree.

  She should have let Chessy come and get her like she’d offered. She should have never been behind the wheel of a car in the emotional state she’d been in. Live and learn. At least she had lived to learn that particular lesson.

  “Joss?”

  Chessy’s soft voice came from behind her but Joss couldn’t turn. She still hurt too much so she waited for Chessy to enter.

  Her friend’s concerned face appeared a moment later and she saw that Chessy was holding a glass of water and the bottle of painkillers. It shamed her that she was relieved she didn’t have to get up to get them.

  “Are you hurting?” Chessy asked in concern.

  Joss nodded. “I couldn’t muster the energy to get up and get them. Thank you.”

  Chessy frowned and shook out two of the pills, dropping them into Joss’s right hand. After giving her the glass of water to swallow them, she sat down on the ottoman at Joss’s feet.

  “I’m worried about you, sweetie. Tate and I both are. Hell, so is Kylie. She’s on her way over, by the way. I thought I’d warn you. She sounds . . . determined. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t plan to kick your ass.”

  Joss smiled. “I love you both. Tate too. You’ve been so good to me. I’m being a complete baby. There’s no reason I can’t go back to my own house, but I appreciate you letting me stay here. I just haven’t wanted to be . . . alone.”

  “Oh, honey, I understand.” Sympathy shone brightly in Chessy’s eyes. “And you can stay here as long as you like. Tate’s been so busy with work that he hasn’t been home much in the last weeks. Is it horrible of me that I’ve been happy that since your accident he’s been around more? Oh God, don’t answer that. It is horrible of me to think, much less say.”

  Joss laughed. “No, not at all. I know you’ve been missing him. Is that the reason you’ve been so unhappy, Chessy? Is it work that’s been keeping him so preoccupied?”

  “I hope it’s only work,” Chessy said in a low voice.

  She looked as though she regretted the words the moment she spoke them. She looked away, as if avoiding the inevitable question in Joss’s eyes.

  “You think he’s cheating?” Joss whispered. “Talk to me, Chessy. You know you’d never let me get away with not telling you something so important. Hell, you pulled every last detail about what happened between me and Dash from me.”

  Chessy’s smile was rueful. “No. Yes. I don’t know. And it’s the not knowing that’s eating me alive.”

  “Have you talked to him about it?”

  Chessy slowly shook her head. “What if he’s not? Do you know how hurt he’d be if I questioned him? If I displayed a lack of faith in him?”

  “Okay, let’s start with why you think he’d be cheating,” Joss said, glad to have something other than her own failed relationship to discuss. And if she could help her friend, then at least one of them would be happy.

  “I don’t have any solid evidence that says he is,” Chessy admitted. “It’s just that he’s been so . . . distant. You know we have a Dominant/submissive relationship, but lately I’m lucky if we manage to have vanilla sex, much less delve into the normal course of our relationship.”

  “Is it possible that he’s just under a lot of stress at work? Ever since he struck out on his own and quit working for Manning-Brown Financial, he’s been crazy busy. Even I can see that.”

  “It’s more than that,” Chessy muttered. “The guy he partnered with, the one he left Manning-Brown to form a partnership with, decided to retire. This was only a few months after he and Tate started working together.”

  Joss’s mouth fell open. “Why didn’t I know about this? When did this happen?”

  Chessy squeezed Joss’s uninjured hand. “You were busy with your own stuff. You and Dash. Besides it wasn’
t anything worth burdening you over. Nothing has changed really. Tate had always done the bulk of the work anyway, but Mark had brought a lot of affluent clients over to the partnership when they both broke off from their respective firms. So Tate’s been scrambling to keep them all happy because he doesn’t want to lose any of them. So far, only one has left, and he wants to keep it that way. Which means him being at their beck and call all hours of the day, seven days a week.”

  Joss’s nose wrinkled. “I wouldn’t have thought a financial planner would be so . . . busy. I mean I know he does a lot, but what could there possibly be for him to do during nonbusiness hours? It’s not as though banks or the stock market are open after hours during the week or on weekends.”

  “You’d be surprised,” Chessy said. “They call him at all times of the day, sometimes with legitimate concerns, sometimes with the absurd. But it’s Tate’s job to pacify them and reassure them or arrange their finances. He has to walk a very fine line because as I said, he doesn’t want to lose the clients he’s worked so hard to gain.”

  “Is he going to take on another partner to lighten his load?”

  Chessy shrugged. “That I don’t know. He doesn’t discuss it much with me. He doesn’t want to worry me. I used to love that about him. How he always sheltered me from anything he thought would hurt or worry me. Now? I’d take any form of communication because I feel this gap opening and widening between us and I hate it. I hate it, Joss,” she said, anguish filling her voice.

  “I know I’m probably being silly and I’m overreacting, but I hate this uncertainty. I hate feeling like I don’t matter any longer. And I know that’s not true. I know he loves me. But he doesn’t show me like he used to. I’ve known from the day we met that I was his priority, and it makes me sound self-centered but I love being first and foremost in his mind. I loved that he always made me feel . . . special.”

  “And you don’t feel special now,” Joss murmured.

  Chessy slowly shook her head. “I’m not unhappy but I’m not happy either. And it’s eating me up on the inside. I keep wondering if this is as good as it gets and if I should be grateful he’s still with me. I don’t like how selfish I feel for wanting more.”

  Joss leaned forward, ignoring the discomfort in her ribs. “You aren’t selfish,” she said fiercely. “Sweetie, you are the most unselfish, loving, giving person I know. Why don’t you talk to him about it? Lay it out just like you laid it out to me. I can’t imagine that he wouldn’t listen. That it wouldn’t horrify him to know you feel this way. He loves you so much. I can see it in the way he looks at you.”

  “I wish I saw the same as you saw,” Chessy said wistfully. “I just want to go back to the way it was when we first met, and maybe that’s not possible. Maybe when you’re with someone as long as we’ve been together, when the newness wears off, you settle into tolerance.”

  Joss shook her head adamantly. “I don’t believe that for a minute. I know Carson and I were only married for three years, but we were as in love at the three-year mark as we were the first year, and you and Tate have only been married a little less than five years.”

  “Maybe you’re right,” Chessy said with a sigh. “Maybe I should just talk to him. But I freeze every time I think I’m going to ask. The words just stay locked in my throat because I know it will hurt him if I ask him if there’s someone else. And the thing is, if nothing is wrong except that he’s occupied with work, my doubt will cause a rift in our relationship that I’m not sure will ever mend.”

  Joss grimaced, knowing Chessy could very well be right. Tate would be horrified if he knew Chessy thought he was having an affair. He might not forgive her doubting him even for a moment. Tate was rigid that way. He was an extremely honorable man and he was utterly protective of Chessy. If someone else was hurting her, Tate would do whatever was necessary to make it end. But what if he was the one hurting her? What then?

  “Maybe you should just give it a while. Be patient and understanding. Love him. Show him your love and support and perhaps when things die down a bit at work and he’s more confident that he has everything under control, things will get better,” Joss quietly advised.

  Chessy squeezed her hand again. “Thank you. I came up here to check on you and to cheer you up. Not to dump all my woes on you.”

  Joss smiled. “I love you and I’d kick your ass if you ever didn’t come to me with whatever is bothering you. You and Kylie are my best friends. That won’t ever change.”

  “Speaking of Kylie, there she is,” Chessy said brightly, looking beyond Joss to the doorway. Then she cast Joss a quick pleading look not to bring up the subject in front of Kylie.

  Kylie was more of a direct, confrontational person, and if she even thought Tate was cheating on Chessy, she’d go straight to the source and kick his ass.

  Joss squeezed Chessy’s hand back, a silent promise to keep their conversation secret.

  “Hey, Joss,” Kylie said, coming over to hug her, though she was careful not to hug too tight. “How are you feeling today?”

  “Better now that my personal nurse brought me the pain medication I was too lazy to get up and get for myself,” Joss said dryly.

  Kylie smiled and plopped down on the ottoman beside Chessy. Her gaze swept over Joss as if judging for herself how her sister-in-law fared.

  “How’s work?” Joss asked brightly, and then fearing it would be an invitation for Kylie to talk about Dash, she quickly amended her statement. “How are things with Jensen? Are you two getting along okay now?”

  Kylie made a face. “He’s an overbearing, rigid ass.”

  Chessy laughed. “Sweetie, you just described half the male population, Tate and Dash included.”

  Joss flinched but refused to show any outward emotion over the mention of Dash’s name.

  “Dash is a walking corpse,” Kylie said bluntly. “The man hasn’t slept since your accident. I don’t even know why he bothers coming in and going through the motions. Jensen’s had to pick up all the slack, as have I, because he’s worthless.”

  Joss closed her eyes, pain swamping through her that even the strongest medication couldn’t ease. He’d called her a dozen times a day and each time she’d let it go to voice mail. It made her a coward, but she wasn’t prepared to deal with him now. Maybe ever.

  He texted her, e-mailed her and he came to Chessy’s at least once a day, asking to see her. Each time either Tate or Chessy had told him that she was in her room sleeping. A lie. One he’d easily see through but she didn’t want to see him. Maybe ever.

  He was absolutely relentless but then she knew that about him. But he’d gotten what he’d said he most wanted. She’d given him everything. She hadn’t