When Dawn Breaks

by Melissa Toppen

  And then, of course, I have Blake.

  Even just thinking it sours my stomach. Blake. I don’t even know how I feel about him anymore.

  “Oh yeah. That’s awesome.” I shake off the thought and force a smile, my attention pulled across the table when Sebastian chimes in.

  “Only because I threw them right into his hands,” he boasts playfully.

  “Fuck you, dude.” Ant picks up a sweetner packet from the center of the table and chucks it at Sebastian. “If you threw them right to me then why did I end up eating the back of the endzone diving for one.”

  “So sensitive,” Sebastian laughs, catching an elbow to the ribs from Tess who hits him with scolding eyes. “He knows I’m just messing with him.” He grins at her, dropping a kiss to the tip of her nose.

  The conversation continues around me, but my mind is immediately drawn back to my current situation, and while I smile and laugh in all the appropriate parts, I couldn’t be further away from what’s happening around me if I tried.

  I try to think back to the beginning of my relationship with Blake, the thing that started all of this. I remember being happy. I mean, I think I was happy. Things were great between us. So great in fact that I truly thought maybe, just maybe, I had found my person and that the universe wasn’t conspiring against me.

  Wrong again.

  I opened up to him in a way I had never opened up to anyone outside of Tess and Courtney. I just wish I had known who he truly was before that happened. And while I know that what I’m allowing him to do to me is wrong, I just can’t seem to walk away from him either.

  Every time he puts his hands on me, I swear to myself it will be the last. But then he comes crawling back the next day begging for forgiveness, promising he’ll never do it again, and I just can’t seem to turn him away even though I know every word he utters is a lie. False promises, ones we both know he’ll never keep.

  I guess in a way I feel like I deserve it. Like somehow this is my punishment for things I was too young to control but still blame myself for. And now there’s the news I found out today. The news I can’t let myself even think.

  A baby?

  The thought slips in despite my effort to hold it at bay, and I instantly feel the emotion boil behind my eyes. My hand slides across my stomach subconsiously, and I look down realizing what I’m doing.

  Instantly pulling my hand away, I try to reemerse myself into the conversation, but I just can’t seem to get my mind to stick there. It’s hard, being the same age as everyone around me and yet feeling like none of them have any clue how cruel life really can be.

  Like why did I get the shit end of this deal? Why does everyone around me seem so happy while I’m falling apart on the inside?

  All I want to do is steal a bottle of vodka from my mom’s stash and drown in it, but even that I can’t do anymore. Maybe it’s for the best; like mother like daughter is not a statement I ever want to be said about me and the woman who gave birth to me.

  It’s hard even calling her mom most days. What kind of mother allows the things to happen to her child that she allowed? What kind of mother chooses a drink and a man over her child?

  “You good?” I hear Ant say next to me seconds before his elbow gently nudges my side. I look up to see him staring at me with a curious look on his face. Courtney in deep conversation with Aria, the girl sitting next to her.

  “Yeah.” I force another smile, probably my hundreth of the night.

  “You haven’t even touched your food.” He nods toward the plate in front of me where I’ve only pushed my salad around with my fork, not even sure if I’ve actually taken a bite.

  “Just not hungry I guess.” I shrug, dropping my fork.

  “You sure that’s it?” The look he gives me makes my insides seize up. It’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking—what I’m feeling—even though I haven’t said a word on the matter.

  I hate to think I’m that transparent; then again it’s only Anthony who seems to be able to read me so easily.

  “Yeah.” I quickly nod, fishing some bills out of my back pocket and dropping them on the table before quickly standing.

  Ant follows the movement with his eyes, not the least bit surprised by the action despite how abrupt it probably seems to everyone else.

  “Where are you going?” I hear Court ask, and I look up to see her watching me curiously.

  “Blake just text, said he’s home.” I wiggle my eyebrows and smile wide, delievering the perfect performance.

  I can tell instantly that everyone buys it, everyone but Ant that is. I ignore his penatrating gaze and focus on Court and the wide smile that pulls up her lips.

  “I see how it is. Ditch your friends for some dick,” she jokes.

  “You know how much I love the D,” I laugh, throwing a half wave over my shoulder as I quickly walk away, not waiting to hear what anyone else may or may not have to say.

  By the time I finally reach the sidewalk, I feel like I’m about to sufficate. I suck in the cool evening air like I can’t get it into my lungs fast enough. Walking to the right, I stop next to a street lamp post and double over, pretty certain I’m gonna vomit all over the sidewalk at any second.

  Morning sickness already? It’s my first thought. I’ve heard it hits you out of nowhere, but if this is related to the pregnacy then why does it feel like it’s radiating from somewhere completely different.

  Tears prick the back of my eyes as everything begins to settle over me.

  I’m pregnant.

  I choke on a small sob, trying to pull myself together.

  I’m going to have a baby.

  I’m only sixteen.

  How can this be happeneing right now?

  I don’t realize I’m not alone until a pair of hands settle on my shoulders, spinning me around. The next thing I know my face is pressed against a hard chest and comforting arms are around me.

  I know it’s Ant without even looking up. I’ve memorized his touch, his scent. My body recognizes him even when my mind doesn’t.

  I give myself a minute. One long minute to revel in his embrace before I’m pulling back and looking up at him, thankful that the tears that were so close to spilling over never actually did.

  “What are you doing out here?” It’s the only thing I can think to say.

  “You may think you have the world fooled, Bree Kingsley, but I see you.” His words are like ice in my veins, freezing me in place. “Something is clearly going on with you,” he observes. “And if you don’t want to talk about it that’s on you, but I couldn’t just let you walk away without at least making sure you were really okay.”

  “That’s sweet, Ant, really.” I take a full step back. “But I’m good. Just got a lot on my mind.”

  “You sure it’s nothing I can’t help with? I’ve been known to offer a pretty good ear when needed.”

  “I appreciate that, really I do, but I’m good,” I insist, having to fight my sudden urge to just tell him the truth.

  I want so badly to say it out loud but doing so would be admiting to the world that maybe I’m not as different from my mom as I like to think I am, and that’s not something I’m ready to face just yet.

  She, afterall, got pregnant with me at the young age of fifteen. Maybe that’s why multiple boyfriends came knocking on my bedroom door once she was passed out drunk—because in reality they weren’t all that much older than me.

  “Can I at least give you a ride home?” Ant breaks into my self-destructive thoughts.

  “That’s not neccesary. I’m sure Courtney is expecting you back.”

  “Actually, she’s not. She’s heading back to Tess’ tonight, so Sebastian is dropping them off on his way home. I’ve already said my goodbyes.” He pauses before repeating, “Let me give you a ride home.”

  “I don’t want to go home.” I don’t mean to say the words, but they flood out just the same.

  “Okay, then let me take you somewhere else,” he offers. “Anywh
ere.”

  “I don’t have anywhere else to go right now.” I scuff my foot against the pavement, looking down at my shoes rather than at Ant.

  “Look.” He steps forward, his hand reaching out to tip my chin up so that I’m forced to meet his gaze. “You clearly have got some shit going on. You don’t want to talk about it right now, that’s fine. But at least let me take you somewhere. Maybe it will help to not be alone.”

  “Why are you doing this?” I wish my heart didn’t sink a little when he simply answers, “Because you’re my friend.”

  He gives me a soft smile. “Come on. There’s a place I always go whenever I just need to say fuck the world and sort through my shit.” He offers me his arm, and I swear a good thirty seconds pass before I finally link my arm through his and let him lead me toward his truck.

  We don’t talk on the ride to wherever we’re going. Ant taps his fingers quietly on the steering wheel to the beat of the music playing softly from the speakers, and I keep my gaze trained on the window.

  Rockfield really is such a peaceful place. I don’t know why I’ve never really noticed until this exact moment as we pass the silent streets and empty sidewalks on our way out of town.

  We drive for a few more miles, the landscape morphing to open fields and small unlined back roads. When Ant pulls off into a small patch of gravel, seemingly in the middle of nowhere, I throw a curious look in his direction.

  “We’re here,” he announces, giving that incredible smile of his.

  “Here?” I question, looking around at the nothing that surrounds us. “We’re nowhere.” I shake my head, meeting his gaze once more.

  “Exactly.” He nods, climbing from the truck before crossing around to the passanger side. Pulling the door open, he helps me out of the cab and then leads me to the back. Pulling down the tailgate, he hops up into it before offering me his hands.

  I eye him skeptically but then finally cave, securing my hands in his as he hoists me up into the bed of the truck. Taking a seat on the tailgate, he taps the spot next to him. Even though I’m completely confused by why he brought me all the way out here, I don’t hesitate claiming the spot next to him, my legs hanging over the back.

  “I don’t…” I start, instantly cut off by Anthony.

  “Shhh. Just listen,” he says, leaning back and tucking his arms behind his head.

  “What am I listening for?” I ask after a long moment, finally mirroring his actions and laying back next to him.

  “Nothing,” he states simply, eyes on the sky. “That’s the point. Out here there is nothing. Not one single thing. No one to impress. No masks to wear. No expectations to live up to. Out here is the one place where I feel like I can breathe.” He lets out an audible exhale.

  I open my mouth to respond but then quickly snap it closed, deciding to just embrace the moment rather than fight it.

  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly, letting my eyes wander over the countless number of stars overhead. The silence is deafening. I bask in it and let go of everything raging inside me. I let it all go and focus on nothing and yet everything at the same time.

  Funny how Anthony, of all people, seems to know exactly what I need when I don’t even know myself. I turn my head slightly to catch his face still turned toward the sky, eyes closed, breathing even, and I let myself, for the first time maybe ever, imagine a world where Ant and Courtney are not a couple. A world where maybe I could be the girl on his arm.

  And while I know that will never and could never happen, I let myself pretend for just a moment because right now pretending is all I have left. And not just with the guy I wish were mine, but with a future I now know will never be what I had hoped for.

  I jerk upright, my eyes still heavy with sleep as I blink around the dim room. I try to shake off the dream—or rather the memory—that I haven’t thought of in years, but then a pair of gray blue eyes flash through my mind, and my stomach completely bottoms out.

  Ant…

  And just that one thought has my heart thudding violently against my ribs.

  I fling my legs over the side of my bed and quickly cross my bedroom into the attached master bath, despite wanting to head straight out into the living room to see if Anthony is still here. Splashing water on my face, I try my best to push past the uneasy feeling that has formed in the pit of my stomach.

  Funny, I feel all sorts of ways—both good and bad—and yet I can’t remember a time before now that I’ve looked at my reflection in the mirror and seen even a semblance of the hope that currently shines from behind my golden eyes.

  A stupid smile is etched on my lips as I quickly brush my teeth. The longer I wait to go out there, the more anxious I become and yet I still move no faster. I think a part of me is afraid I’m going to walk out there and either he will be gone, or that I’m going to discover that what I felt last night was just a combination of nostalgia and alcohol and nothing more. Or maybe I’m more afraid that it was real. Because wouldn’t that be worse than any other scenario? I mean, it’s not like Ant and I could ever be a thing. And do I even want us to be?

  God, I’m getting so ahead of myself I feel like I’m what-ifing something that isn’t even a possibility.

  Letting out a long sigh, I flip off my bathroom light, throw on a bra before tugging my tank top back down, and quickly step out into the short hallway that opens up into the living room/dining room combo.

  My eyes go to the gray suede couch first, the throw blanket I gave Ant last night folded up neatly and left where his head was laying just hours prior. I let the disappointment seep through me for only a moment before straightening my shoulders and making my way into the galley-style kitchen that sits on the opposite side of the room.

  I haven’t even fully rounded the corner when I hear it. The deep hum from the other side of the wall followed by the opening of the refrigerator. My heart picks up double time when I finally reach the doorway to the kitchen where Ant is currently standing, whisking eggs in a large white mixing bowl.

  “There she is.” An instant smile pulls at his mouth when he catches sight of me, and damn it if the way he looks at me doesn’t make me feel something I sure as hell know I’m not allowed to feel.

  “Hey,” I push out casually, turning toward the coffee machine which already has a full pot brewed. “What are you making?” I ask, pulling down a coffee mug from the cabinet in front of me, noticing Ant already has one of his own sitting next to the stove.

  “Scrambled eggs.” He holds out the bowl to show me its contents. “You hungry?”

  “I am actually.” I smile, loving that even after five years we can fall back into the easy friendship we’ve always had. Well, with the exception of this funny thing my stomach keeps doing every time I look at him.

  “Good.” He grins, setting the bowl next to the stove where a pan is already warming on the burner. “So what’s the plan for the day?”

  “Well, I need to go pick Jackson up from my grandparents at some point. I promised him Tess and I would take him to the park today, but that’s when I thought she was going to chicken out and would still be here.”

  “Well then, looks like it’s you and me. I may not be as pretty as Tess, but I can guarantee I’m a million times more fun.” He winks.

  “Oh I don’t know about that. Aunt Tess is Jackson’s favorite,” I warn.

  Normally I wouldn’t even consider bringing a guy around Jackson, but with Anthony it feels just as natural as having Tess or Courtney around. I have to remind myself he’s just an old friend and Jackson has been around plenty of my friends. Why should this be any different?

  The thought settles me, and we spend the remainder of the morning eating eggs and drinking coffee on the balcony over easy conversation.

  We laugh, retelling stories of our past, and only when Courtney comes into the conversation do I feel the shift again; the same shift I felt last night when the topic of their relationship came up. I ignore the pang in my gut that tells me there’s so
much more there that he’s not telling me about, and I remind myself that there’s a lot of things I don’t know about him; even more than he probably doesn’t know about me. And honestly, I kind of like that about our friendship. He doesn’t know how deep the scars of my past run, and therefore he doesn’t judge me by them.

  After cleaning up breakfast, Ant takes a quick shower in the guest bathroom and puts the same clothes back on that he was wearing last night; though, they look just as good on him the second time around.

  I still can’t wrap my head around just how good looking he is now, which is really saying something. Teenager Ant was something to look at, but grown up Ant is something else entirely. Even though he’s still young, there’s something so mature about him—both physically and emotionally—something that makes him seem so much older than just twenty-three.

  It’s just after eleven when we climb into my car and make the ten-minute drive to my grandparents’ house. The ride over is pretty quiet and while he doesn’t say so, I get the feeling he’s nervous about meeting my son; though, I’m not entirely sure why he would be.

  We’re friends, aren’t we? And if so, then why would it feel anything other than natural to meet Jackson? Friends meet their friends’ children all the time. But even as I’m telling myself this, I can’t deny that I also feel nervous.

  Because even though nothing has happened, I also can’t ignore the invisible electric current that seems to have been coursing between the two of us since the moment he smiled at me through the windshield of my car outside of Sebastian’s apartment.

  “Does he ever ask about his dad?” Ant’s question comes out of nowhere just as we’re pulling into the driveway of my grandparents’ small one-story home.

  I think on that for a long moment, not really sure how to answer that question.

  “Sometimes,” I admit, letting out a slow sigh as I kill the engine but make no attempt to exit the car.

  “And what do you say?” He shifts in his seat to face me.