When Dawn Breaks

by Melissa Toppen

  “What can I say, when you know, you know.” Sebastian shrugs, dropping an arm around Tess’ shoulder and pulling her into him.

  “Congratulations, you guys.” I finally manage to say, taking Tess’s hand in mine as I examine her ring. “And this ring.”

  “It’s perfect, isn’t it?”

  “You did good,” I agree, meeting Sebastian’s gaze before finally looking back at Tess.

  I’m not surprised by this news, I’d have to be blind to have not seen this coming. But something about hearing it out loud, about seeing them so happy, has me a little choked up at the current moment. I’m happy for Tess, of course I am, but a part of me is also a little sad, and I’m not quite sure where that emotion is resonating from just yet.

  “I was wondering how long it would take you guys. I gave you a month, so you did good by at least doubling it,” I joke. “Have you worked out any of the details yet; tell me everything?” I release Tess’ hand and bounce excitedly in my seat, pushing past the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach and allowing myself to show my friend how truly happy I am for her.

  “We haven’t figured out everything yet.” She smiles up at Sebastian before meeting my gaze again. “But I think we’ve decided on an April wedding in Connecticut. You know how much I love spring. You and Court will be co-maid of honors of course, and we would love for Jackson to be our ring bearer.”

  “Yes and yes.” I smile wider. “It would be an honor to stand next to you on your wedding day.”

  “And what about you?” Sebastian chimes in, speaking directly to Ant. “Think you could parade around in a tux for a day and not lose our wedding rings.”

  “I think I can handle that, man,” he says, clinking his beer bottle against Sebastian’s.

  “Boys.” Tess giggles, watching the interaction between the two.

  The next two hours fly by. We talk and laugh and drink like there’s no place in the world we’d rather be, and for the most part that’s true. As much as I’m enjoying myself, the more I drink the more I just want to go home and be alone with Ant. I’ve spent the entire evening trying to push down the thought, but it keeps creeping in over and over again.

  Several times over the course of the evening, Ant has done something that has only intensified this fact. From holding my hand under the table to squeezing my thigh when no one is looking; he’s got me so worked up at this point it’s a wonder I haven’t split apart at the seams.

  He’s been very attentive all evening, making sure I have everything I need—asking the waitress for a refill when he notices my drink is low or having her bring me more dressing for my salad because he knows I like extra dressing—all without me having to say a word.

  On more than one occasion I’ve caught Tess looking at us funny, but I’ve chosen to ignore it. I have to remind myself that I’m a grown woman and while she may be my best friend, that doesn’t mean she’s my parent. I can do whatever the hell I want with whomever I want.

  Unfortunately, I don’t actually believe any of that. It’s just my way of trying to justify the behavior between Ant and I and how I’ve practically been eating right out of the palm of his hand all night.

  So needless to say, when Tess announces she has to go to the ladies’ and gives me a look that tells me I’m coming with her, it’s the last thing I actually want to do.

  “I’ll go with you,” I hear myself say because, honestly, how can I not go with her when she’s looking at me like that.

  “We’ll be right back,” she says to Sebastian as she stands.

  I avoid looking at Ant as I slide out of the booth and follow quickly behind her. It isn’t until the bathroom door snaps closed behind us that I realize just how transparent I’ve been tonight, the alcohol making it too easy to get caught up in how Ant makes me feel.

  “What’s going on with you and Ant?” She immediately turns to face me, her cheeks slightly flushed.

  “What?” I play stupid.

  “Don’t what me, Bree. It’s a pretty straightforward question. What is going on with you and Ant?”

  “Nothing,” I insist, a slight shake in my voice.

  “You’re a shit liar. You think I haven’t noticed the way you’ve been looking at him all night, the way he’s been looking at you. I’m not stupid. You’re sleeping with him, aren’t you?”

  I hate that she instantly jumps to that conclusion, like I’m incapable of not immediately hopping into bed with someone the moment they show me any attention.

  “Of course not.” I can hear the defensiveness in my tone. “He’s my friend. That’s it.”

  “I don’t believe you.” She crosses her hands over her chest.

  “Wow. Way to trust your best friend.”

  “I do trust you, Bree, but I also know you. You’re not being honest with me, either that or you’re not being honest with yourself.”

  “Do I like having him around? Yes. Do I plan on shacking up with him? No. He’s Courtney’s ex-boyfriend. He’s off limits.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince her or myself at this point, but either way, I’m not doing a very good job.

  “Bree, listen, I love you. If you tell me you have a thing for Ant, I won’t judge you. I just need to know that you’re not setting yourself up to get hurt.”

  “I’m not,” I insist. “You know me, I’m impenetrable.” I put on the brave act I’ve been wearing most of my life. Too bad that’s all it is, an act. I’m pretty sure Tess knows it too.

  “The way he looks at you,” she says, leaving the statement hanging for a long moment. “It’s like...it’s like you’re the only person in the room. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen him look at someone that way.”

  “Not even Courtney?” I ask, feeling my resolve slip away.

  “Not even Courtney.” She shakes her head like she’s not sure what to make of that.

  “I’m scared of the way he makes me feel,” I admit.

  “That means it’s real.” She gives me a sad smile. “Have you talked to him?”

  “No.” I shake my head, letting out a slow breath.

  “And nothing has happened between the two of you?” she asks, gaze locked on mine.

  “We kissed, once—well, technically twice—but only the first one was really a kiss, and afterward we agreed it shouldn’t have happened. That’s it.”

  “It’s not always the physical that defines our feelings, Bree. There’s clearly something pretty intense going on between the two of you whether you’ve acted on it or not.”

  “I don’t know what to do.” My voice comes out almost a whisper.

  “Do you want to pursue whatever this is between the two of you?”

  “I don’t know. I mean… I think I do.” I finally say the words out loud that have rang true in my mind for weeks. I want to be with Anthony, and not just as a friend.

  “Then you need to be honest, with him and with yourself.”

  “But what about Courtney?”

  “I honestly can’t help you there. You know her as well as I do; your guess is as good as mine on how she’ll react to this.”

  “I can’t hurt her.” I fight back the well of emotion in my throat.

  “You might not be able to prevent it.”

  “That just makes me feel worse.”

  “I’m not trying to make you feel worse. You want my advice—talk to her. Court loves you, you know that. She wants you to be happy as much as I do. Maybe if she sees Ant is what makes you happy, she’ll be happy for you.”

  “And if she’s not? Then what?”

  “Then you’ll have a choice to make.”

  “I don’t think I could bear to lose either of them at this point.”

  “You need to talk to Ant first. Make sure it’s worth the risk before you dive in head first, make sure you’re on the same page. Because it’s not just you to consider, there’s Jackson too.”

  “Trust me, I know.”

  “I know you do. You’re a good mom, Bree. You always do what’s right
by that boy.”

  “I appreciate your confidence in me, but I’m not always so sure.”

  “I am. You need to learn to have a little faith.”

  “Ant told me about the fight, about his dad.” I completely change gears without warning.

  “He did?” She seems somewhat surprised by this fact.

  “He did. And it’s worse than we thought.”

  “I suspected.” She shakes her head, a grimace on her face.

  “He’s dying,” I say, quickly adding, “His dad.”

  “What?” Her eyes widen.

  “Liver failure. Ant found out yesterday. I tried to convince him to go home, but he refuses. Says his dad is already dead as far as he’s concerned.”

  “Wow.” She seems genuinely shocked by this news.

  “Yeah, guess I’m not the only one with the fucked up family.” I sigh. “I just can’t believe I never knew about any of it.”

  “None of us did.” She reaches out and takes my hand. “Don’t beat yourself up over it. I can see you want to, but it won’t do you or him a bit of good. All you can do is be there for him now.”

  “I think I’m in love with him,” I blurt, needing to say it out loud so badly that it’s off my lips before I even have a chance to think it through.

  “Tell me something I don’t already know.” She gives me a look that says she knows me that well.

  “Am I that transparent?”

  “With this, yes.”

  “I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. He makes me feel real, if that makes sense. Like being with him is my first dose of what life can actually be like.”

  “Love has a way of changing the way we see things,” she agrees.

  “I don’t know what to do now.”

  “Just follow your heart. Take it from someone who spent years blocking hers out, you don’t want to ignore this feeling. Love… it’s all that really matters at the end of the day. The people you love and the ones who love you. That’s what life’s all about.”

  “Look at you getting all philosophical on me,” I tease, feeling the tension in the room lift significantly.

  “You know I’m here for you, right? Whatever you need.” She smiles but otherwise ignores my comment.

  “I know. Can you please keep this between us for right now, until I can figure out what I want to do?”

  “Like you even have to ask.” She pulls me into a hug, and I immediately relax in her embrace.

  Knowing Tess is behind me, no matter what I decide, makes me feel like I can do anything. Of course, Tess is only part of the equation, and there is still Courtney to consider. But I know Tess is right, Court loves me. And she and Ant were a long time ago.

  I’m playing out the possibilities of what could be for the remainder of the night, and by the time we exit the restaurant less than an hour later, I feel a sense of optimism I’m not sure I’ve ever possessed before.

  I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, things might work out okay for me after all.

  “So you and Tess were gone for a while in the bathroom,” Ant observes, opening the passenger door of his truck before gesturing for me to climb inside.

  I nod in thanks and hop in, loving the way the new car smell engulfs me the moment I do. Ant just bought this truck three days ago, his first real purchase since arriving in California. Apparently, he sold his old truck before he came here.

  I can tell he’s excited to be taking back some of his independence and doing things on his own again. I know the feeling well. Probably because I’ve had to do the very same thing he is—start all over.

  “Just girl talk,” I finally answer, snapping my seatbelt in place as he settles into the driver’s seat next to me.

  “Just girl talk.” He gives me sideways glance before firing the engine to life. “Did this girl talk have something to do with me by any chance?”

  “I don’t know what would give you that impression.” I hold out my hand and inspect the red nail polish that’s already started chipping off of two fingers, like I couldn’t be more bored with the conversation, when in reality I want desperately to talk to him about some of the things I discussed with Tess.

  “Are you trying to wound my ego?” He chuckles, looking both ways before pulling out into the street.

  “Like that would ever be possible,” I joke.

  “I’m not made of steel here, Kingsley.”

  “And here I thought you were. Pity.” I laugh when he reaches over and squeezes my leg just above the knee.

  “Careful,” he warns playfully, glancing toward me and then back to the road.

  “What about you, you and Sebastian talk about anything I should know about?” I turn the tables on him, my gaze focused out the windshield.

  “You mean, did we talk about you?” This pulls my attention to the side of his face, and I watch a slow smile creep across his mouth. “Now why would I ever tell you that when you are always so secretive with me?”

  “I’m not secretive with you. But what is discussed between Tess and me stays between Tess and me. It’s always been that way.”

  “Is that so?”

  “It is.”

  “I think I could come up with a few ways of making you talk.”

  “Why do you want to know what we talked about so badly?” I shift in my seat so that I can study his reaction.

  “Because I like to know what you say about me when I’m not around.” His smile is infectious, and it’s nearly impossible to keep my own at bay.

  “Again, there you go assuming we were talking about you.”

  “And there you go again. I’m not sure my ego can take much more of this abuse,” he laughs.

  “I think you and your ego will be just fine.” I shift forward again, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right,” he quips, earning a playful smack to his bicep from me. “Ouch.” He fakes pain. “Now you’re not just beating on my ego, you’re literally beating on me.”

  “I can beat you a hell of a lot harder than that.” I narrow my gaze at him, loving the way his eyes sparkle when they meet mine for the briefest moment before darting back to the road.

  “Do tell.” His voice drips with seduction.

  “Oh my God,” I laugh, smacking him again. “You would take it there.”

  “Hey, you’re the one over there talking about beating me. What’s a guy to do?” His laughter rumbles through the cab of the truck, and I let the incredible sound wash over me.

  “So typical.” I roll my eyes even though my smile is firmly in place.

  “I told Sebastian you were an incredible kisser,” he says so casually like it just fits right into the conversation.

  “Huh?” I question, confused by his sudden statement and needing a moment to let my mind catch up.

  “You are an incredible kisser—I told Sebastian,” he says slowly, making sure I understand this time.

  “Shut up. You did not,” I blow it off.

  “I did actually.” His demeanor falls completely serious, and the atmosphere in the truck instantly shifts. “I also told him how much I wanted to do it again. How all I want to do is kiss you pretty much every minute of every fucking day.”

  I swallow hard, not really sure what to say. A part of me is jumping up and down, doing backflips I’m so elated. The other part of me is twisting up in knots and suddenly feeling a bit panicked.

  “Guess I must be a pretty phenomenal kisser,” I joke, needing to lighten the heaviness that has suddenly settled over us.

  “You could say that.” He reaches over and entwines his fingers with mine, resting our now connected hands in the middle seat between us.

  “What are you doing, Treadway?” Again, I go for a lighter approach.

  “I’m holding your hand,” he states simply, eyes on the road.

  “Why?”

  “Because I like holding your hand.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I like you. I thought we had
pretty much established this already.” His mouth turns up in a half smile, and it’s clear to see he’s getting enjoyment out of watching me squirm a bit.

  “Well I would hope you like me, considering you’re sleeping on my couch,” I say, making no attempt to pull my hand away. “Or do you make a habit of being friends with people you don’t actually like?”

  “You know that’s not what I meant, Bree.” His expression falls serious once more, and the butterflies that erupt in my stomach are enough to make me feel like I’m about to take flight at any moment.

  “So you don’t like me?” I continue to kid around, my go to when faced with a situation I’m not quite sure how to handle.

  “Oh no, I do, but not just as a friend.”

  “So like more as a sister?” I don’t know why I’m even still talking at this point, but the words keep spilling out like vomit, and I can’t seem to get them to stop.

  “Would you fucking stop?” He gives me a quick glance, telling me he knows exactly what I’m doing.

  “Stop what?”

  Oh my god, Bree! Just shut up already.

  “I’m trying to tell you I’m into you, and you’re making it really fucking difficult.” He grins despite the seriousness of his tone. “Fuck, I shouldn’t have done this while I’m driving.” He releases my hand and whips the truck off to the side of the road so abruptly that my backside nearly comes completely off the seat as the truck bounces to a stop.

  “What are you doing?” I turn toward him, eyes wide as he snaps off his seatbelt and shifts to face me.

  “Did you talk to Tess about us at the restaurant?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s pretty cut and dry. Did you talk to Tess about you and me?”

  “I mean, yeah, briefly.”

  “What did you tell her?”

  “I’m not telling you that.”

  “Why? Because you’re afraid I don’t feel the same, or because you’re afraid to admit it out loud because that means you’ll actually have to face your feelings.”

  “Because it’s none of your business.” I stick with the safest route.

  “I know you told her about us, I could tell by the way she looked at me when you two came back from the bathroom.”