The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets

by H. M. Charley Ada

  “And even if it did, that’s just as bad. Remember, she beat me to be class president, and it was really close – three votes! She won even though I was more qualified and totally ran a better campaign. Besides, it’s what she said next that was really bad. She said, ‘So, I guess we didn’t have to worry about global warming after all, huh Lilly?’ Can you believe that!”

  “I don’t know, maybe it was just a joke.”

  “No, I’m telling you.”

  “Well didn’t you see your friends there?”

  “I did, that part was good. Oh, but then there was a fight! I thought that wasn’t supposed to happen here, but it did. One of my classmates was bi-racial, half black and half white. But at the reunion he appeared totally black. Someone made a comment, and then someone else made a comment, and before I knew it, there were like six guys hitting each other. I knew they couldn’t hurt each other, but still. Then God came, and he told them to stop and that they were all brothers. Then he asked them to open their hearts and minds to him, and he would show them. They all closed their eyes for a minute, and then they apologized and shook hands and hugged. I don’t know. I guess it was fine in the end, but somehow it seemed too easy.”

  “Hmmm. God showed me that trick too. It wasn’t so bad, you should try it.”

  “Maybe… I don’t know. Hey Zack, do you think this is atheist hell? Like when atheists are bad, they go to a traditional heaven with God and everything, because for them, that’s hell?”

  “Heh. I don’t think so. This place isn’t that bad! Besides, you weren’t a bad person. You earned a medal, remember?”

  Lilly smiled, but not for long.

  “I don’t know. When God came, it’s like he turned everything upside-down. It’s like everything that I thought I knew turned out to be wrong.”

  “I know.”

  “Like, did you ever hear the saying, ‘this too shall pass?’”

  “Yes.”

  “My aunt used to tell me that whenever I had a childhood crisis. It helped me, and I appreciate what she was trying to do, but as I got older, I realized that the saying was completely wrong.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it was only true for the happy people! It was only true for the rich, lucky people with nice lives and easy problems that could be fixed with a little focus and hard work. For them, life’s tribulations were little tests that made them better. Getting picked on by the school bully? Go make friends with him. Miss out on that promotion? Work harder and get it next year. You struggle, eventually succeed, and learn from the process. Everything wraps up in a neat little package – like a TV sitcom episode. But for a lot of other people out there, life didn’t work like that. Like for a rape victim or a kid with terminal cancer. Or like a lot of my clients. Most of their problems didn’t just pass!”

  “Jeez Lilly, you’re depressing me.”

  “Come on, I’m being serious.”

  “No, I know. It’s a good point, it’s just sad is all.”

  “Yes, but I was completely wrong. You see, I used to think that this was one of the great truths about life. I used to think that I was so wise for having recognized it. That I understood something that other people didn’t. But I was wrong. Everything did pass! All of those people with all of those crushing problems are in Heaven now, or at least the good ones are.”

  “True.”

  “I suppose I should be happy. I mean, everything turned out ok in the end. All of that suffering is over. But somehow I can’t accept it. Am I selfish Zack? Is there something wrong with me?”

  “No, not at all. I just think that you’re driven by the fight. Your whole life you crusaded against injustice, and now that it’s all over, you’re left with a void.”

  “Yeah, a little bit.”

  “But you should still be proud of the things that you did. Just because Heaven was ultimately on its way doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have helped those people. Besides, I know how you feel about having been wrong about the world – I really do.

  “I used to think that everything happened by accident. For example, I used to get lower back pain. Maybe not as bad as your client that you were telling me about, but still, enough to make my day feel a lot longer. And when it would hurt, it would remind me of something my college Bio professor said – that back pain was a really common problem because in evolutionary terms, humans only started walking upright very recently, and the shape of the spine hadn’t caught up yet. Our backs weren’t designed for walking upright. Give it another million years, he said!

  “And see, I thought that the whole world was like that. No design, no purpose for anything, just a bunch of random events stumbling along, one after the other, and us suffering through them. But now I know that I was wrong. God did it. He directed evolution to make our spines like that. He designed my weak back. He designed my pain.”

  “We were both wrong, Zack.”

  “I guess we just have to get over it. I suppose there are worse things.”

  “I suppose.”

  “Hey Lilly,” Zack said, trying to steer into more positive territory. “I’m curious, what was your biggest case?”

  “Biggest case? Zack, I didn’t have many big cases. It wasn’t like TV or the movies. Almost everything would settle without a trial, and anything newsworthy or profitable went to private attorneys, not legal services. But, I can tell you about my most successful case.

  “It was the Walkers. Just a typical working class American family, living in a house they couldn’t afford. The father was a construction worker; the mother was a grade-school teacher. They had two girls, ages 12 and 14.

  “The bank pushed them into a variable-rate mortgage that they didn’t understand. It was fine when interest rates were low, but when they started to rise, the family couldn’t pay, and the bank tried to foreclose on the house. I was able to get them an extension until the father got a second job and managed to catch-up.”

  “Wow Lilly. That’s really great. It makes me wish I had done more stuff like that.”

  “Well I wish I had been able to do more too. Heaven came so soon.”

  “Yeah. But then again,” Zack said, “if it hadn’t, maybe we never would have met.”

  “I wonder. New York is a big city, but if there was some design at work…”

  “Oh there definitely was!”

  Lilly hesitated. “So you really think we’re really right for each other, huh?”

  “Yes,” said Zack, “I’m not usually very sure of these things, but this time, yes.”

  “Why? What makes us compatible?”

  “I don’t know, we just are. There’s a lot of things. Like, ok, here’s one. In all of my past relationships, my exes always said I was too indecisive. They’d ask me what I wanted to do, and I’d always try and guess what they wanted to do. Somehow, I don’t see that as being a problem with you.”

  “Most of the guys I’ve been with said I was too bossy.”

  “You know, you might say we’re a match made…”

  “DON’T. Oh my God, we’re going to have to work on your sense of humor.”

  “Hey! Give a guy a break!” Zack said, shaking his head with fake indignation. He thought it ironic that Lilly kept deriding his sense of humor, when she so rarely ventured a joke of her own, but he kept this to himself.

  “I’ll give you a break when you make a better joke.”

  “Duly noted. Anyway… if you can stand being around me and my awful sense of humor anymore, I got an idea. There’s a waterfall back in those woods where I grew up. Want to check it out?”

  A minute later they were there, eyes closed, feeling the tumbling water with their minds. Then Lilly pushed Zack to the ground and jumped on top of him. Her irises were definitely red.

  The physical experience that they shared next was beyond all description. First they were at the waterfall, then the beach, then a Venice hotel room, and then back at the waterfall. Suffice it to say that for at least a while, neither one of them was
worried about why God had allowed evil in the world.

  “Well,” Zack said, rolling over in Lilly’s bed the next morning, “I guess that rules out the ‘atheist hell’ theory, huh?”

  “Haha, that one was a little better,” she said, reaching her hand toward Zack’s eye.

  “Hey!”

  “Relax! I’m not gonna hurt ya! You’ve just got some morning eye-poop I wanna clean-up.”

  “Oh, sure,” he said.

  “Now why would God let that happen?” she asked, gently rubbing his eyes, one after the other.

  “So we could share the experience of you cleaning it!” Zack said, glowing.

  “Corny! My God… lame!”

  After they got up, Lilly went to spend some time with her family, and Zack went to his hilltop to relax. With Lucky curled up beside him in an old picnic blanket, he sat on his rock and watched his ants. There were a lot of them now, and they were excising little pieces of fallen fruit for transport back into the anthill, when suddenly, a little brown bird landed on a coconut shell and started pecking at them. Was it? Yes, it was eating them!

  Zack got up and shooed the bird away. Then he sat back down and thought. Hmmmm, I know. “Let the ants have exoskeletons like iron. And let them have poison stingers for tails like scorpions.”

  Zack looked down and watched as the ants’ black color grew metallic, and they sprouted long, steely stinger tails that coiled up above their bodies. He was very pleased with himself, until he remembered that he also liked birds. “Also, let all of the other animals on this hilltop have the knowledge that these ants are dangerous, so that they do not hurt themselves trying to eat them.”

  Again, he was pleased, but then God arrived. “Zack, we need to talk about this. What you are doing is perfectly fine, but the ants will have to stay on this hilltop. If they were to leave, they might damage the ecosystem of the surrounding area, along with everyone’s enjoyment of it.

  “Also, there is something else that you should realize. You do not own this hilltop. Right now you are the only person that comes here, but, if for some reason it becomes more popular, you will have to share it, and that might mean that I would have to change the ants back. If that were to happen, we could always recreate the scene in a videogame. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, it seems fair. Let me ask you something though. Are there any limitations on what enhancements I can give the ants?”

  “Yes. You cannot expand their consciousness or give them additional intelligence.”

  “Interesting. Why not?”

  “Because Zack, if you could, it would mean that you would have the power to create new people in Heaven who have not earned their place here.”

  “Ok, ok. What about resurrecting dead animals, can we do that? I’m thinking of the sunnies that I killed as a child. I would build a little pond for them right here.”

  “No, I cannot do that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I never intended to resurrect the sunnies, and so did not keep track of where their bodies went when they died.”

  “What!? That’s impossible! You’re God. You’re supposed to be omnipotent!”

  “I never once claimed omnipotence. You are trying to hoist me on someone else’s petard. Besides, I had good reason for deciding that I would not resurrect animals. It is better that they return to the one. If I resurrected every animal that ever lived, I would need to create millions of planets to hold them all, and for what? So that they could live forever with only limited consciousness?”

  “What about Lucky?”

  “He’s an exception. I resurrected him because you love him.”

  “Could you make him intelligent?”

  God closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh.

  “I mean, he’s earned a spot in heaven. He’s not like an ant.”

  “I could. But you would lose your best friend. Once it is done, he will be a completely independent person with his own will, and I cannot undo it.”

  “That’s ok. Do it! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this sooner. You were just going to let him spend the rest of eternity as a stupid dog?”

  “Intelligence is not necessarily the highest virtue. Lucky is very happy as your dog.”

  “I don’t care, do it!”

  “Very well.” God waved his arm, and Lucky morphed into a clean-cut, athletic looking young man.

  “Zack, thank you so much for doing this!” Lucky said, pumping Zack’s hand vigorously.

  God faded away.

  “And thank you so much for everything you did for me over the years. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. You’re like a father and a best friend all rolled into one. I don’t know what to say.”

  “Lucky, it’s nothing at all,” Zack said. “I feel bad. Here you were trapped as a dog this whole time and I didn’t even think of doing this until just now.”

  “No way. I owe you my life Zack.”

  “Well, I owe you too. You’ve also been my best friend.”

  “Yes!”

  “Ok, well this is great! Now that you’re a person… uh… let’s go… or, I mean, let me ask you… hmmm. This might be a dumb question… but what was it like being a dog? And what’s it like changing into a person? This is so bizarre!”

  “Being a dog was fine. I have lots of memories of stuff we did, like coming home that first day from the shelter, fetching the ball, and coming up here to hang out. I remember them probably the way that you remember things from your early childhood. I can’t remember doing a whole lot of deep thinking, but I have pictures in my head of what happened, and I remember emotions, like how much I wanted to get that ball every time you threw it. Wow, it seemed so important back then, like it was my purpose in life – my reason for being. Of course, I realize now how dumb that must sound, which I guess is what makes me human.”

  “Huh. Hey, do you remember the dishcloth?”

  “Haha. Oh man, of course! That was my joke! No matter how many times I did it, it was always funny.”

  Zack thought back to the last time Lucky had done it, in Venice. “I suppose you’re right. It was always funny!”

  “I only did it because I knew that Mom wasn’t really mad. Otherwise I would’ve stopped.”

  “Wow, you really were a smart dog.”

  “Hopefully I’ll be a smart human too.”

  “I think you will. For sure. By the way, what do you remember about me? Was I a good master?”

  “Oh you were the best Zack, are you kidding? You slept on the ground with me the night I died. I’ll never ever forget that. Zack, I love you so much.” He gave Zack a powerful hug.

  “Jeez buddy, I, I don’t know what to say,” Zack stammered.

  “You don’t have to say anything.”

  “Ok buddy… I mean Lucky, I mean… hey, what are you going to call yourself now?”

  “I think I’ll still go by Lucky. I kind of like it.”

  “Yeah, me too. It will be unique, at least for a human.”

  “Oh, but there is one more thing Zack. I almost forgot.”

  “What?”

  “Something that you owe me big time for you colossal asshole.” He puffed out his chest, and Zack noticed that he was very muscular. “Neutering me!!!!” he shouted, punching Zack in the shoulder.

  It did not hurt, but Zack was a little shocked.

  Then Lucky broke down laughing so hard that he bent at the knees. “Relax man… I’m just fuckin’ with ya! Oh, I could care less now! I’m sure I’m not neutered anymore, and let me tell you, the human women of Heaven better look out!” He slapped Zack on the back.

  Zack managed to muster a weak laugh.

  Then Lucky hugged him again. “I love you man. I love you so… so… much… man!”

  After Lucky’s transformation, Zack realized that he had hardly spent any time at all in Heaven with his friends, so he searched for Stan, who, it turned out, was deeply immersed in a videogame: NFL Superpro H3000. Fortunately, Zack caught him at a good
time, and they were able to meet in a sports bar within the game. However, Zack was a little disappointed when he learned that Stan was not going to have a drink.

  “Zack, I can’t. This game is 100% realistic, and I need to be in top physical shape so that I can perform on the field.”

  “But we’re sitting in a bar,” Zack said, scanning the crowded room, “you’re nowhere near a field.”

  “But tomorrow I will be. Look, Zack, this is a big deal. I’m the starting quarterback for the Washington Warriors. There’s over a thousand people playing in this game, and I got lucky enough to be one of the thirty-two starting quarterbacks. But if I’m not careful, I could lose the starting job.”

  “Uh, isn’t it the Washington Redskins?”

  “God made them change the name. There’s a really high percentage of Native Americans in Heaven.”

  “Huh… ok. Stan, how long are you gonna be in here?”

  “Six or seven more months, we’re still in training camp right now.”

  “Dude, are you kidding me? You’re not gonna have a beer with me for six months?”

  “Bro, we’ve got all eternity to have beers. Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere. In fact, you know what? After I’m done with this, we should do a videogame together.”

  “Yeah, maybe. Stan… don’t you think you’re going a little overboard with all of this? Less than two weeks ago you were the staunchest atheist I knew. Now you don’t even care.”

  “Oh, weak bro. Come on, not this again.”

  “Stan. Do you remember what you said to me after you came back from Iraq? Do you remember what you said to me about God?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You remember.”

  “Zack, I was never in Iraq.”

  “Yes you were, you were there for nearly a decade.”

  “Zack, you’re crazy.”

  “Pull-up the tapes of the Iraq War, Dad.”

  “Relax son, I’m going as fast as I can. By the way –” he turned to Lilly, “– what’s your name? It’s so nice to meet you. I’m so happy to see Zack with someone.”

  “I’m Lilly. It’s nice to meet you too.”

  “Hi!” Zack’s mom called from the other side of the room.