The Alpha and the Omega: An absurd philosophical tale about God, the end of the world, and what's on the other planets

by H. M. Charley Ada

  Lucky shifted his legs restlessly.

  “I don’t know,” Zack said, “I’m pretty busy on Limbo.”

  Lucky nodded, subtly, but with conviction.

  “Ok,” Stan said, “but did you know there’s a Jurassic Park game?”

  Zack’s eyes widened.

  “Oh yes, my friend… oh yes!”

  Lucky swayed back and forth, unable to contain himself. His eyes turned white. Then he jumped in. “The video-games sound like a lot of fun Stan. But you know on Limbo, we’re doing things that actually affect real people’s lives.”

  This surprised Zack. Was that jealousy he detected?

  Haha! Lilly laughed, only for Zack. I guess Lucky isn’t used to sharing you. You’re so popular!

  “That’s great bro,” Stan said to Lucky. “I just wonder, is it lonely up there all alone on your cross? Maybe when Jesus comes out you can help him with his speech.”

  “Come on guys,” Zack said, “we’re all friends here.” This was Stan and human Lucky’s first meeting, and Zack had no idea it would be this awkward. “So many people here,” he said, trying to change the subject.

  “Yes, where are they when we need them?” Lilly said. “I mean, not you Stan,” she added quickly, “I know you have your game, and I’m not faulting you. But seriously, we barely have a handful of quality volunteers on Limbo! I tried to hold a rally in Manhattan yesterday, and no one came. But everyone can take a break out of their busy day of drugs and food and sitting on the couch for this? I sent out fliers, telepathic thoughts… singing telegrams with clever little jingles.”

  Zack had a private laugh with himself – the jingles were not very clever.

  “Yes,” Lucky said, “but remember that some people choose not to get those messages.”

  “As much happiness as is consistent with everyone else’s…” Zack added, thinking back to how he almost never stopped on the street for solicitors in the pre-God days, no matter how worthy the cause sounded.

  “Well, it’s not right,” Lilly said, capping her thought.

  But the conversation was not over yet. “My child,” God said, appearing. “Do not judge them too harshly. Give them time.”

  “They’ve had weeks and weeks, how long do they need!”

  “Lilly,” God said, “when you lived in Brooklyn, did you ever go out to a nice dinner?”

  “You know I did.”

  “Well, at the time, thousands of children were dying of preventable causes, right? Hunger, disease…”

  “No, that’s not fair. I gave lots of time… and money.”

  “But you could’ve given just a little more, couldn’t you have?”

  “Everyone needs some indulgences here and there to keep them going.”

  “But how could you enjoy the taste of a gourmet meal more than the knowledge that you had saved a life? Wouldn’t the food disgust you? Wouldn’t it be hard for you to even finish it, knowing its awful price? That is, if you were truly a moral person. I don’t know Lilly. One might say that you were no better than a murderer.”

  “No no no. It’s all about degree. These people here give nothing.”

  Lucky nodded emphatically.

  Stan looked away.

  “That is fair Lilly,” God said. “But remember that none among us are perfect. You are an exceedingly moral person, but try not to hold everyone up to those same lofty standards, lest you or even I be judged similarly. Forgiveness is also an important virtue. Give them time.”

  “I suppose.”

  God nodded and disappeared. It was time to begin.

  Jesus and several dozen other people slowly materialized on the stage. There were Christians and non-Christians, including Moses, Socrates, John the Baptist, Peter, Darwin, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., and the most recent Dalai Lama. Clearly, the message was unity. There were also non-famous people from various times and places, and in turn, each person on the stage gave a short reading or prayer. Zack and Lilly had little interest in this part, and they chattered covertly while they waited.

  I don’t know Zack, do you really think all of this buildup is necessary? Why doesn’t he just speak?

  Eh, Zack answered indifferently. A little buildup makes sense; he is pretty much the most famous person in history.

  I know, but now that we’re in Heaven, everyone knows he was really just a man.

  Um, not so fast Lilly, we are all God’s children, remember?

  Ha ha Zack, you know what I mean.

  And then it happened: the perfect storm. After a European monk from the middle ages finished speaking, the people on the stage shuffled to reveal the next presenter – a person that had somehow, until this point, escaped Zack and Lilly’s attention. “And now,” God announced, “from the modern-day United States, a lifelong devout follower… Debbie Parsons!”

  No Zack. That can’t be. It just can’t.

  Calm down Lilly.

  Zack! After that whole lecture God just gave me about morality?

  Lilly…

  No way Zack. It’s a joke, it’s a test. These people around us aren’t real. That stage isn’t real. This whole thing is an illusion. Atheist hell Zack, atheist hell – that’s what this is!

  “Thank you God. It’s such an honor to be here today.”

  I try to help. I do everything I can. No one notices. No one cares. No one joins.

  Lilly, God notices, he recognizes.

  No Zack! These people… these self-righteous, pretentious people… what a farce!

  “There’s an old saying, that you should never actually meet your heroes because they will never live up to your expectations. But just a little while ago, I met mine for the first time.”

  Lilly’s eyes turned laser-red, like the numbers on Zack’s alarm clock. Sparks flew from her entire body. Then she sprouted featherless red devil-wings.

  “And I can honestly say that –”

  Lilly shot through the sky in a demonic rage to a place just above the stage. Then, half a second later, with just as much force as she had taken off, she slammed downward into the wood, bending gracefully onto one knee as it absorbed the shock. Then she rose and folded her webbed, dark-angel limbs behind her back.

  Zack couldn’t help but notice that she was still as alluring as ever, extra appendages and all.

  “Look at all of you! Congratulating yourselves on a job well done while half of humanity still suffers in hell! How many of you have given even one hour of your time to help those people on Limbo? How can you be happy here while there is even a single being in the universe still in torment? Those people are your brothers and sisters, your friends, your co-workers.”

  She stopped to catch her breath and looked out at the billions of faces. They were very real, and she could feel them with her mind the same way that she and Zack had felt the ocean and the waterfall. They were all concentrating on her… judging her… wondering what she would say next. It was dead silent. Lilly had shut-up several billion people.

  Zack, for his part, slowly made his way up to the stage during this tense interlude, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

  “Those people on Limbo are also thieves and murderers!” a distant voice called out from the crowd.

  “It’s a tragedy for even one person to live in hell!” Lilly replied.

  Then, something happened that had not happened in nearly 2000 years: Jesus spoke to the world. “My brothers and sisters, listen to her, for she speaks the truth. When I walked the Earth in the days before the Kingdom of God, a rich man once told me about the large donations that he had made to help the poor. I told him that they were as nothing compared to the two pennies that a widow had once given me. ‘Why?’ he asked. ‘What are two pennies?’

  “Because, I said, he had given out of abundance, while she had given her last two pennies in the world. Here in Heaven, my brothers and sisters, money is useless, but time is still valuable, and it is something that we all have in abundance. We must all give whatever we can.” He stopped, an
d the applause came like thunder.

  The crowd clapped, cheered, whistled, and bellowed. They tossed roses, palm leaves, and little wooden crosses onto the stage; they released doves into the air, and they sent Lilly their warmest thoughts: I’m so proud of you! her parents yelled. I’m so happy to have taught you! her teachers and professors gushed. I’m so happy to know you! Betty Hill, Maria Rodriguez, and Hillary and Preston King shouted. I’ll help you! several million new friends cried out. There were so many that Lilly had to shut her mind off to them before they overwhelmed her.

  Then, Jesus walked up to Lilly and bowed to her. Not in her wildest dreams could she have ever imagined this scene. She smiled nervously and bowed back. Then God walked over and bowed to her as well, and for just a second, she wondered again if all of this was an illusion. Then she bowed back.

  “Now,” Jesus said, beginning his speech, “much has changed since my time.”

  As he proceeded, another voice requested and was granted entry into Lilly’s mind – it was Debbie Parsons’s. Lilly, I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you hate me so much, but I think we can work this out. If killers and their victims can forgive each other, and I know that at least a few here in Heaven have done so, then I’m sure that we can find a way to get along too. I know you define your existence by conflict, but I’m not your enemy; I think that what you are doing down there on Limbo is great, and the global warming comment was totally just a joke. I really didn’t mean anything by it, and I’ll prove it to you. First thing tomorrow, I’m going with you and the other volunteers to Limbo.

  Ok Debbie, I know I overreact sometimes, and I’m willing to let bygones be bygones. Thank you very much for offering to help.

  After the speech, Zack and Lilly got to meet the historical figures on the stage, and Zack finally had his chance to debate the meaning of justice with Socrates, in the context of whether it was immoral for a person to enjoy expensive food while others in the world went without. Then Zack and Lilly retired to the hilltop to recharge before returning to Limbo.

  “Zack, they were looking at me like I was crazy.”

  “Well Lil, you have to admit, it was a little crazy. You flying up there with those wings and all? Where did all that come from?”

  “I don’t know. I guess it was just a physical manifestation of my rage. But I’m not crazy Zack. People have treated me like I was my entire life, but I’m not. The happy people, they’re the crazy ones. The people who know all about all of the suffering in the world and still manage to go through life being happy and well-adjusted, smiling and saying ‘good morning’ like everything’s just fine… they’re the crazy ones. No, they’re not just crazy. If they can know about everything that goes on and still be happy, they’re demented psychopaths!”

  “Well Lilly, they don’t think you’re crazy anymore. The whole world recognizes you now! Just remember that I gave you a medal first.”

  She laughed.

  Then they both looked down. It was the strangest thing. It did not hurt, but dozens of the ants were crawling up their shins, biting them with their little mandibles, and stinging them with their little stinger-tails.

  16

  True to their word, the people of Heaven came forward to volunteer on Limbo in the millions. Of course, they could not all volunteer at Father Kai’s Church. As it was, God was already concerned that with too many new faces showing up in the village, it would be too easy for the Limbeans to believe that a supernatural power really was at work. No, to accommodate everyone, the volunteers would need to open churches all across Limbo, and they would need to develop a system for “sharing” the same person so that several volunteers could take turns on Limbo while only adding one new face. God offered Lilly the job of spearheading the entire operation, but she turned it down so that she could continue working personally with Father Kai’s congregation, which she and Zack had grown pretty attached to.

  In the weeks following Jesus’s speech, they, Father Kai, and Lucky – who now seemed to move with an almost superhuman energy that even Lilly had a hard time matching – had made a lot of progress. Aided by the new volunteers and the villagers themselves, they finished the Great Hall, and a steady stream of villagers now passed through it at all times to drink from its waters, break bread and cactus with their neighbors, and load up their jugs and canteens with all they could carry. Father Kai held a morning and dinner service there every day, and about seventy villagers now counted themselves as full-fledged Makains. Word had spread to some of the neighboring villages, and scores of travelers were already making the long journey to see the Great Hall and its magical fountain for themselves. This brought more commerce to the village, which in turn brought more converts.

  To celebrate their success, the congregation decided to throw a special festival, which was to fall on the 100th birthday of Makaio. Of course, no one knew exactly what day Makaio was born on, or even in what year, but it did not matter. They would, for all time, mark his historic birth on Cresember 18th, the day that Father Kai designated, quite appropriately, as “Makaio Day.”

  And so, the congregation made preparations. They put the word out throughout the village and told every traveler that arrived. They wrote special Makaio Day prayers and songs, hung strings of blue-dyed leaves across the ceiling of the Great Hall, and drew chalk dolphins everywhere. Klatu donated some of his best cacti – enough to feed several dozen people – and some of the newer converts contributed even larger amounts of even higher-quality fare, some of which even Zack and Lilly considered to be food, such as the eight barrels of primitive barley beer bequeathed by the wealthy Lasintheus.

  When the big day arrived, the village was buzzing. Nearly all of its residents planned to attend, and as many as eighty travelers were on hand in an impromptu tent city that they had established just east of the village. Volunteers brought them free water from the fountain, and farmers, including Klatu, brought them food… for a price.

  But not everyone was in the holiday spirit. That morning, as they were making the final preparations in the Great Hall, Sot confronted Zack, Lilly, and Father Kai with an issue that had suddenly convinced him that they should call off the whole thing.

  “I don’t think it’s wise to bring all of this attention to the village,” Sot said. “When King Sork gets word of the fountain, he will send riders to capture it.”

  “I’m not so sure Sot,” Lilly said. “Doesn’t Sork already technically control this region? When he finds out about the fountain, I think that what he’ll really be after is taxes. But there’s plenty of wealth now in the village to go around. We can afford to pay him and still prosper.”

  “Ay’ you’re a fool!” Sot exclaimed. “You can’t reason with a Limbean king in such ways. They’re not interested in negotiating mutually-beneficial deals. Their specialty is dominance, and when Sork finds out about our success, he will attack first, with overwhelming strength.”

  “But Sot, we’re opening churches all across Limbo. Soon, Makaism will be so prevalent that Sork will need to convert in order to keep his subjects’ favor.”

  “That’s exactly why ‘ell destroy us!”

  “No, not necessarily. Back in Hawaii, long before God made it the greatest possible island, there was a powerful king who converted to… er… Makaism, right before a big battle, because he knew that the religion was so popular.”

  “Yes Lilly,” Zack said, “but remember that the Romans persecuted the Hawaiian Makains for several hundred years before that happened.”

  “Yes, but –”

  “Listen,” Sot said, raising his voice, “I don’t care what happened in Hawaii. This is Limbo, and I’m telling you that what we’re doing is not prudent.”

  “Sot,” Father Kai said, “we must give every person the opportunity to do good, even a Limbean king.”

  “That’s fool-talk, and I will not be party to it. If Sacat will not stop your festival, then I cannot either. But I will not participate, and I will not support the Church any fur
ther. I hereby renounce Makaism and my membership in your congregation.” He turned swiftly and acutely to emphasize the point; then he marched out of the hall.

  “He’ll be back,” Lilly said.

  “Yeah, you can’t make everyone happy all the time,” Zack said. “But I do think we need to figure out how we’ll handle Sork when the time comes.”

  “Agreed,” Lilly said. “But that’s for tomorrow. Today, we have a festival to put on.”

  “That’s right!” Klatu exclaimed, entering the hall. “Aloha, my friends!”

  “Aloha!” they replied.

  “How are the final preparations going?”

  “Excellent,” Lilly said. “We just need to put the finishing touches on the hall and to bring in your delicious cacti, and I think we’ll be all set.”

  “Great, I was thinking you might help me. On the way, we can stop at my house, and you can meet Klatan.”

  “Who?” Zack asked.

  “The newest addition to my family. Last night, Makaio blessed me with another son.”

  “Really?!” Lilly squeaked, highly uncharacteristically.

  “These are truly joyous tidings!” Father Kai said.

  “Indeed,” Klatu replied. “Perhaps one day soon after the festival, when everything has returned to normal, I can bring him here and you can baptize him in the fountain. Then you will have two members of my family in the Church!”

  “I would be honored,” Father Kai said.

  “Shall we go now?” Lilly asked, suddenly in a rush.

  “I wouldn’t keep you a minute longer.” Klatu said. “Oh, but there is just one matter that we need to attend to first. As you know, I am a strict adherent to the practice of tithing. And, as I’m sure you might also gather, the more business that I receive, the bigger my ten percent grows.” He smiled expectantly. “I think that you will be most pleased with today’s donation.”

  Klatu reached into his pocket and produced a small brown coin purse, which he emptied into Father Kai’s hands. Silver coins – more of them than Zack and Lilly had ever seen in one place on Limbo.