Naturally Naughty

by Morganna Williams

  I rolled my eyes and glared at the cell phone. “I don’t know why you’re making such a fuss. It’s not like you’ll be home much this weekend and for the record, I am an adult and capable of making my own decisions.”

  “Yes. Of course, it’s also common courtesy to discuss things such as road trips with your loved ones prior to, not from the road.”

  Ouch! He had me there, but I could go down swinging. “Oh, please. Like it’s not common courtesy to notice that someone exists!”

  “Well, I’ll tell you this, little miss, you can bet I’ll notice you when you get home and you better believe you’ll notice me.”

  “Now sweetheart…”

  “Don’t even try the sweet act of innocence. You knew exactly what you were doing when you got in that car.”

  So sue me! Of course I did, I just wanted to get some of his attention, but I might have miscalculated on the amount I was likely to receive.

  It seemed like a good time to get off the phone. “Gotta go, honey, Rachel is ready to get back on the road. I know you hate when I talk on the phone and drive at the same time.”

  “Shannon! Don’t you dare…”

  I hung up the phone and turned to Rachel with a smile. “Ready to get back on the road?”

  “Was that Landon? Is he mad at you for taking me to Missouri?”

  “I’m not sure I would label it mad exactly,” I hedged. Livid, homicidal rage and a danger to my posterior, but mad was definitely too mild a descriptor. Not that I planned sharing any of that with Rachel. “He’ll get over it.”

  “Good. I wouldn’t want to cause problems for you.”

  “Oh, you didn’t.” I was plenty good causing them on my own, after all.

  * * *

  The weekend was a bust. I missed Landon desperately and felt guilty for skulking off in the dead of night. Well, I actually left during the day, but it felt like skulking off in the dead of night, so it’s basically the same thing, right?

  I was so ready to get home, face the music, and then curl up in Landon’s arms that I left Saturday afternoon.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to wait and leave in the morning?” Rachel asked.

  “No, I think I’ll go ahead and hit the road. I’m sorry to leave quicker than planned.”

  “No problem. Thanks for the ride. I really appreciate it. I needed some time off to myself and this was the perfect answer. I’ll have a week to myself, then the rest of my family will get here and I can ride home with them.”

  I hugged Rachel bye, told her I’d see her when she got back, and then climbed into my car. I made it down the hill, around the curve, and halfway across Bagnell Dam when disaster struck!

  It really wasn’t my fault. It’s a narrow dam and a really big truck was coming. It was perfectly natural for me to move over and give it some room.

  The crunching sound wasn’t normal. I looked over and my poor passenger side mirror was dangling uselessly from the car door. Shit!

  Luckily that was as far as the damage went. The rest of the trip went without mishap and I spent the drive figuring out how to explain the broken mirror to Landon. For some reason he tended to overreact about car stuff.

  Then I was home and the moment of truth arrived.

  I pulled into the driveway to see Landon watching my progress from underneath the carport. His hands rested on his hips.

  I jumped out of the car and threw my arms around him. “I’m so sorry, Landon. I missed you so much!”

  “Mmmmm,” came his articulate reply as he hugged me back.

  “I really am sorry.”

  “We’ll talk about that in a minute. Let me get your bags.”

  “Wait! I’ll…”

  “What the hell happened to your mirror?”

  “Well, you see, there was this dam…”

  “You ran into a dam?”

  “Well… I was driving across it and this humongo truck was coming… it’s a narrow bridge and the truck was so big… so logically the thing to do was to move over and give the truck a little more room…”

  “Logically?”

  I frowned at the look on his face. “Yes, that means that it made sense to move over.”

  “I know what the word means. I’m just trying prepare myself for another lesson in Shannon’s Logic 101.”

  “Landon, that was mean! I’m perfectly logical!”

  “Mmmmmm…”

  One more mmmm sound and I wouldn’t be responsible for my actions! I crossed my arms over my chest and just glared over his shoulder.

  “So you ‘logically’ moved over.”

  “Yes… and, well… I might have moved over a smidgen too much ‘cause the mirror hit the side of the dam.”

  “You really ran into the dam? Shannon, it’s a wonder you didn’t end up in a bad wreck.”

  “It’s really not that big a deal. I never used that mirror anyway.”

  “What? What do you mean you never use that mirror anyway? If you’d been using the damn mirror, you wouldn’t have hit the dam!”

  “Everything’s okay. It was a minor incident. Don’t get your panties in a wad.”

  “Do you realize how badly you could have been hurt? You could have turned straight into the truck when you hit the side. Overcorrection is the cause of many accidents. Even worse, you could have gone over the side of the dam and they’d have called to tell me they were fishing your body out of the Lake of the Ozarks.”

  “Landon, none of that happened; it’s no biggie.”

  “No biggie?”

  I winced as I began to realize how upset he was. “Well, what I meant to say was, it shouldn’t be that big a deal to fix.”

  I was shocked when Landon grabbed my arm and sat down on the picnic table bench. “Landon! We’re outside!”

  Landon didn’t comment verbally; he let his hand talk for him and it talked and talked and talked. All over my poor bottom.

  First his hand talked across the seat of my shorts, then they disappeared and it talked to my panties, but finally his hand had quite the conversation with my bare bottom.

  I yelled throughout the discussion. Then Landon’s hand must have been tired, because he stood me up and pointed toward the house. “Brush.”

  I hobbled in to get the brush with him hot on my heels. I barely had time to pick it up from the dresser before I was staring at the carpet; this time Landon was talking and I think the brush was supplying exclamation points.

  “Don’t you ever just take off like that again.” That was several exclamation points.

  “Always use your passenger mirror!!! That’s how you avoid accidents!!! If you want my attention, ask for it!!! Childish behavior will not get you what you want!! Savvy?”

  I sobbed out that I was so very sorry and that I would never go anywhere without him again unless we discussed it first. I would even tell him before I went to the store. I promised that I would always use the side view mirror when passing and backing, and glance in it occasionally just for grins. I also assured him that I understood that my little mishap could have been a very big deal.

  Finally I was where I’d wanted to be all along. Lying on the bed tucked close to Landon with him rubbing my back and kissing my hair.

  “I’ve missed you so much, Landon.”

  “I know, babe, I’ve missed you too. I know it’s been hard with me picking up extra shifts at work and being gone. I’m saving for our honeymoon, baby. Our wedding is next month and I’m planning a special trip.”

  Fresh tears sprang to my eyes. “I’m sorry, Landon. I just…”

  “I know, honey,” he said, kissing away my tears and cuddling me close. “I should have explained what I was doing. I just wanted it to be a surprise.”

  I snuggled in close and began to play with the buttons on his shirt. “So where are you taking me?”

  “I’m sorry, ma’am, that information is on a need-to-know basis,” Landon said before kissing me deeply.

  But wait… I really did need to know… how would I
know what to pack?

  Putting Out the Flames

  It was a lazy Saturday afternoon. Landon had run to the store and I was sitting on the couch watching the Fantasy Island marathon on the Syfy channel.

  My large vanilla candle with the four wicks was burning merrily, giving off a happy scent. I’d noticed when I lit it that the candle was almost to the bottom of the glass bowl, but I figured it would evaporate and go out like the rest of my candles.

  I made a slight candle miscalculation.

  Suddenly my four little flames became one humongo flame right before my eyes. I sat up straight on the couch and stared at the giant flame shooting out of the little glass bowl.

  I told myself not to panic, the flame will die down in a second… surely it will burn itself out in a minute… anytime now… shit!!

  I knew I had a big problem when I heard the glass pop.

  I frowned. The candle was sitting on top of my book, ‘Who Moved My Cheese?’ and it looked like my cheese was gonna move in a big way if I didn’t intervene quickly.

  I did the first thing I thought of; I took a deep breath and… blew hard.

  Uh-ohh!!!

  The Humongo Flame became Giganto Flame with the burst of air.

  Since I like my living room the toasty brown color it is and not charbroiled, it was time for plan B.

  I picked up the book, glass bowl, and giant flame from hell and carried it all to the kitchen.

  Funny how frightening it is carrying a big flame; I wonder if the people who carry the Olympic torch worry about their eyebrows?

  The book was rather hot so I hurried to the sink and slid the bowl from the book. The book spared, it was time to save the rest of the house.

  Now you would think that when dumped into the sink and the bowl around it shattered, the flame would go out.

  Wouldn’t you?

  Nope.

  I now had a sink of flame. So, I turned on the water.

  Imagine my surprise when the flame shot straight up in one last blaze of glory before becoming a small flame. I sprayed it once more and it winked totally out.

  Thank the lord!

  Then I looked down at the mess. My pristine white sink was covered in black greasy wax and shattered glass.

  “What the hell?”

  I turned to see Landon standing in the doorway to the kitchen with a dumbfounded expression on his face.

  “We had a small fire.”

  “I see.”

  “It made a big mess.”

  “Looks like.”

  “It’s too hot to clean up just now.”

  “What caught on fire?”

  “That big candle your sister gave me.”

  “The one I suggested you blow out before I left because it was almost out of wax?”

  “Yes… but I figured it would do like all my other candles and just go out when all the wax was gone.”

  “It didn’t do that.”

  “No shit, Sherlock. Didn’t I just tell you I had a little fire?” Okay, that was rude, but fighting fire made me a little edgy.

  “You need to learn to listen.”

  “I listen just fine.”

  “Seems to me I told you to blow that candle out.”

  “I listened; I just chose to trust my own judgment on the matter, which I admit on this occasion was a little faulty.”

  “I’ve also told you before not to use the phrase, ‘No shit, Sherlock.’ Haven’t I?”

  “If you want to get technical.”

  “You’d better watch it, Shannon. You’re dancing a little close to the flame.”

  “Just leave me alone! I have a big mess to clean up. I know I should have blown the candle out when you suggested it. I screwed up, okay? I get it! There, are you satisfied?” I think the flame from hell fried my brains.

  “Not quite, ask me in another minute or two,” Landon said as he tucked me under one arm and began to light a fire in my butt. Even through my pants his hard hand stung like the dickens.

  “Ooooooooowwwwwwwwwww! I’m sorrrreeeeeeee! Uncle!!”

  Landon laughed and let me up. “Yes, I think I am.”

  I frowned, rubbing my stinging bottom. “You are what?”

  “Satisfied.”

  I made a face before turning back to the mess in the sink. As if I’d asked! Hmmmpf.

  The Cruise Control is My Friend

  It had been such a long day. All I could think about was getting home. I was tired and hot. What possessed me to wear long sleeves in the summer I will never know.

  I saw the highway patrolman on the other side of the median and immediately looked at the speedometer. Shit!! It said eighty-six miles an hour.

  So I worriedly chewed my bottom lip and watched my rearview mirror.

  Sure enough, it didn’t take long at all before he made it to my side of the highway and was flashing his lights at me. I guess the fact that since I’d spotted him I’d set the cruise control to a sedate sixty-five didn’t impress him.

  I pulled to the side of the road with a sigh and turned down the radio. I dutifully pulled my proof of insurance from the glove compartment, then grabbed my billfold so I could give him my license.

  “Good afternoon, ma’am.”

  “Hello.” I said in a soft voice handing him my information before he had a chance to ask. Did his lips quirk just a little?

  “I pulled you over for speeding. Do you have an emergency?”

  I sighed and shook my head with a sad smile. “No, sir, I’m afraid I was just zoning and didn’t realize how fast I was going.”

  He nodded once and then excused himself.

  I waited and thought about how much I did not need a ticket. Lectures and possible reprisals aside, I couldn’t afford it. My insurance was higher than a cat’s back already and I didn’t have the money to pay the fine either.

  I was definitely up that well-known creek without so much as a Popsicle stick, much less a paddle.

  The officer returned, clipboard in hand. Then a miracle occurred.

  “I’m issuing you a warning today, ma’am. You need to slow it down and be careful,” he said, handing me the clipboard so I could sign the written warning.

  I took it while nodding my head vigorously. “Yes, sir. I will.”

  I smiled brilliantly up at him as I handed back his clipboard.

  “Where do you work?” he asked with a grin.

  “I work at a nursing home.”

  “Is it cold there?”

  I frowned, puzzled by the question. “Well, sometimes it’s cold, sometimes it’s hot. The residents can never agree so they are either freezing us out or frying us.”

  He grinned outright. “I noticed the long sleeves and wondered.”

  “Oh.” He was kind of cute. Was he flirting with me?

  “What seems to be the problem here?”

  I cringed. I knew that voice all too well. Landon!

  “I was just giving the lady a warning for speeding.”

  “You gave her a warning?” I felt a flush creeping up my neck at the incredulous tone in Landon’s voice.

  “You know the lady?”

  “The lady is my fianceé and she deserves a great deal more than a warning.”

  “Landon!” I could have died on the spot. He didn’t have to talk about me like I was some criminal mastermind!

  I got a very dark look for the interruption.

  “I wouldn’t get in too big a hurry to get my attention, Shannon, you’ll have it soon enough.”

  I sank low in my seat at his words, my stomach a liquid pool at my feet.

  I watched in the rearview mirror as Landon and the highway patrolman walked behind my car to chat.

  Landon looked at the warning slip, then glared at the back of my car. This was definitely bad news bears for my booty.

  All too soon the other squad car was pulling away from the shoulder and Landon was back at my window.

  “I think you’d better go on home, young lady. I won’t be far behind you.” />
  I looked up into my beloved’s stern face and nodded. I knew anything I said would only make things worse and for once I decided not to make things worse.

  “Shannon?”

  “Yes?”

  “I will be behind you and you better be five miles under the speed limit the entire way. Am I understood?”

  I nodded again.

  “I asked you a question.”

  “I answered you.” Sheesh!

  “Shannon.”

  “Yes, sir, I understand.”

  “Better.” Then after one more frown, he turned and walked back to his car.

  I guess a kiss would have been too much to hope for.

  Funny how quickly you get somewhere when you aren’t in a hurry. I swear the trip was faster than when I was rivaling the drivers in the Indy 500.

  Landon was at my car door helping me out and into the house in record time.

  Once inside, I shifted nervously from one foot to the other.

  I didn’t have long to wonder about the fate of my backside.

  “Go get the bath brush.”

  “The bath brush?”

  “You heard me.”

  I was already wincing at the thought as I headed for the bathroom. I frowned at the large oval wooden brush; it had to be an inch and a half thick. This was going to be decidedly unpleasant.

  I carried the dreaded brush back to Landon where he waited on the couch. “Um, Landon?”

  “Yes?” He barely glanced up from rolling up his sleeves.

  “I don’t think you really want to use this, how ‘bout I go get my hairbrush?” It was a sad day when I was offering to get that!

  “I think this one will serve my purpose just fine.” He pulled me face down across his lap and quickly bared my bottom to his gaze. “I intend to see to it that you remember this every time you sit in the driver’s seat for a good week.”

  “A week!? Landon, let’s talk about this!”

  “We are. I’m talking, you’re listening.” Then his hand began to pepper my bottom with stinging heat.

  “Oooooowwwwwww!”

  “Is this the first time we’ve talked about this?”