Naturally Naughty

by Morganna Williams

  The chief coasted past Landon and me and smacked into a wall.

  I winced; it looked like it hurt.

  Landon tossed the paper towels at me with a curt order to clean up my mess, then hurried to help the chief to his feet and apologized profusely as he tried to brush the water off the chief’s pants. The man swatted Landon’s hands away and walked to the bathroom muttering about his gun and women.

  I took one look at Landon’s face and got busy mopping the water up from the floor with the stack of towels.

  “Here, use this. It’ll work better.”

  I frowned at the mop Landon was holding out to me. “You want me to mop the floor? Don’t you have a janitor?”

  “Yes, we do, but you made the mess and you will clean it up.”

  “But Landon, it was an accident! I was only trying to help.”

  “Shannon, who does the water cooler at home?”

  I looked at the floor and shrugged.

  “Shannon?”

  I sighed. “You or the Ozarka man.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Because after the last time I flooded the kitchen with it, you told me not to even try to get a new bottle in. How was I supposed to know it would ruin your shoes?”

  Landon frowned again. “It wouldn’t have if you’d cleaned the water out of them!”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “What possessed you to even try to change the one here at the station?”

  “I was bored!”

  Landon raised an eyebrow at me.

  “Well, I was, and then I wanted a drink and there was no water and I thought I’d be helpful and…”

  Landon sighed. “Okay… okay… I shouldn’t be grilling you so hard. You were trying to do something nice. Just don’t do it again. Okay?”

  “Okay.” I smiled up at him.

  “Now clean up your mess while I go check on the chief, then we’ll have lunch.”

  I nodded and got busy with the mop. It took me forever to get all the water up off the floor. I’d emptied the bucket four times before I was through.

  Finally we were on our way to lunch. I went to get my bike so we could put it in the back of the squad car. Landon would drop both me and the bike off at home after lunch.

  I froze when I spotted what looked suspiciously like a ticket taped to my handlebars.

  I pulled it off the bars and read it. It was a ticket!

  “This is ridiculous!” I turned to Landon and waved it in his face. “Some moron gave me a ticket!”

  Landon frowned, looked at the ticket, and then at where my bicycle was parked under the large oak tree.

  “Shannon, you’re not supposed to even have your bike on the grass, much less park it here.”

  “It’s a bicycle!”

  “Yes, but there are signs that clearly say no biking allowed.” He helpfully pointed out three different signs that lined the sidewalk.

  I snatched the ticket back out of his hand. “This is completely asinine! How could any intelligent human being give me a ticket for my bicycle?”

  “Calm down, Shannon.”

  “I won’t!! First the water and now a ticket! I’m not even allowed to drive my damn car and I still get a ticket!”

  “Shannon, stop it right now before you get yourself into trouble.”

  I glared at Landon. “Bite me!”

  “Young lady, you have three minutes to get in the car.”

  I sniffed disdainfully and turned my back on him. “I’m no longer interested in sharing your company for lunch, sir.”

  “Shannon…”

  I ignored him and climbed up on my bicycle, heading home and away from him.

  “Come back here, young lady!”

  I pretended I didn’t hear him as I pedaled my way home.

  I pedaled rapidly, anger fueling my feet. I imagined the theme of the witch’s ride in The Wizard of Oz and pedaled in rhythm to it.

  How dare they give me a ticket for a bicycle! How dare Landon side with everyone but me!

  I was so focused on my anger that I didn’t notice the boy on a bicycle crossing my path.

  I noticed him when our bicycles collided. Hard!

  “Ooowwww!”

  “What the heck?”

  I picked myself up off the ground and glared over at the boy who’d run into me.

  “Hey, lady, you wrecked my bike! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?”

  “Me? You failed to yield the right of way! I was on a thoroughfare and you were on a cross street. You had the stop sign, not me.”

  “What are you talking about, lady? I was just riding my bike. You wrecked it,” the boy yelled as he picked up his bent bike frame then dropped it back to the ground in disgust. “Do you know how many papers I had to throw to save enough to get it?”

  “Then you should have driven more responsibly.”

  “Responsibly? You weren’t even watching where you were going or you wouldn’t have crashed into me!”

  “Don’t you yell at me, you little hooligan! You crashed into me!”

  “Did not!”

  “Did too!”

  “Did not!”

  “Did too!”

  “Did not!”

  “Did…” I totally lost the thread of the conversation when a firm hand gripped my arm.

  “What the hell is going on here?”

  “She crashed into me and wrecked my bike!”

  “He crashed into me! He failed to yield the right of way!”

  Landon held his hand up as we both rushed to explain our version of the event. “One at a time.”

  “Good. As I was saying, this little monster failed to…”

  “Hush, Shannon.” Landon turned to the boy. “Billy, isn’t it? You go first.”

  “Thanks, officer. As I was saying, this lady wasn’t watching where she was going and she came out of nowhere going a hundred miles an hour and whamo! Crashed into me and totally wrecked my bike.”

  “That’s a bold-faced lie! I can’t believe you’re on a first-name basis with this little hooligan, Landon!”

  “His name is Billy and he is not a hooligan or a monster. You should be ashamed of yourself for being so rude. Apologize.”

  The little snot actually had the audacity to smirk at me! I glared at them both. “Fine! I’m sorry he failed to yield the right of way and crashed into me. And I’m sorry he’s such a little hooligan.”

  “Shannon!”

  I sighed and flushed a little guiltily. Okay, I was being a little mean. He was a child and I was an adult. “I’m sorry I called you a hooligan, Billy.”

  “And a monster.”

  “What?”

  “You called me a monster too.”

  I frowned. Did I say I felt guilty? “Fine. I’m sorry I called you a monster, but you still crashed into me.”

  “Did not.”

  “Did too!”

  “Did not!”

  “Did too!”

  “Enough!” We both jumped at Landon’s roar and retreated to neutral corners.

  “As near as I can tell, neither of you were paying that close of attention or you wouldn’t have crashed into each other, but I hold you responsible, Shannon, you’re an adult and much more cognizant of safety issues than Billy is. Therefore you are ultimately responsible.”

  Billy nodded smugly at me.

  “What? That’s a load of crap!”

  Landon shot me a stern look, then turned back to Billy. “I’m sorry about your bicycle, I know you worked hard to earn the money to pay for it. You can take Shannon’s bike.”

  “What?”

  “Gee, thanks, Officer Landon. I always wanted a mountain bike!”

  “Landon, you can’t…”

  “I already did. We can discuss this at home, Shannon.”

  “But…”

  “The seat is really big,” Billy said with a frown.

  I was beginning to think this kid was the reincarnation of Damien the omen. They bore a striking resemblance to each
other! Only Landon’s firm hold on my arm kept me from the universal battle of good against evil.

  Then the kid eyed my wet pants. “You didn’t have that accident on the bike, did you, lady?”

  I blinked and smiled my sweetest smile, fluttering my eyelashes at Damien, “Well, you know how it is, Billy. When you have to go, you have to go. So I did. I am embarrassed about it, but at least the extra-large seat has a lot of padding. Very absorbent, you know.”

  “Gross!”

  “That’s it!” Landon opened the back door of his squad car and shoved me inside, firmly closing the door behind me.

  I frowned at the door. There was no handle and Plexiglas separated me from the front seat. I was trapped!

  After what seemed like hours, Landon finally finished his negotiation with the omen and got into the front seat.

  I watched as the little gangster walked away with both my bike and his. This was totally unfair!

  “I can’t believe you…”

  “Not one word, Shannon. You’re in enough trouble.”

  “What did I do?”

  Landon raised one eyebrow as he looked at me in the rearview mirror.

  I blushed and looked down at my hands. “I totally didn’t mean to spill the water at the police station. I certainly didn’t mean to eavesdrop on the detective’s conversations and I didn’t see the signs about bicycles not being allowed on the grass. I might have been a little hasty in my departure from the station, but this bike wreck was not my fault!” I sat back in a huff, my arms crossed over my chest.

  “Mmmm… still having a bit of a tantrum, I see.”

  I glared evilly at the back of his head. Why is it that men have righteous anger and women have tantrums?

  Landon pulled into our driveway and got out of the front.

  It was when he opened the back and held a hand out to me that I begin to think about the consequences of my actions.

  It was too much to hope for that he would suddenly see things my way. Or was it?

  “Sweetie, you see, I was so embarrassed when I spilled that water everywhere and shocked to find that ticket. I didn’t even know you could get tickets for a bicycle. Kind of like when I got the ticket for the dog. I’m sorry if I overreacted and left you in a huff.” I placed a hand on his chest and smiled sweetly up into my beloved’s eyes.

  “Good try, but you’re still getting a spanking.”

  I gasped and looked quickly around to make sure there were no neighbors within hearing range. “I can’t believe you said that! If one of the neighbors had heard I’d have died!”

  Landon took possession of my arm and led me into the house to my bottom’s doom. “I don’t know why. You didn’t find it embarrassing to make a scene in front of the police station or almost get into a fist fight with a twelve-year-old boy in the middle of town.”

  My ears turned red. “Well, that was… that was…”

  “Unacceptable behavior?”

  “That wasn’t what I was going to say.”

  “Then I’ll say it for you. It was unacceptable. Shannon, you’re an adult, not a child. You can’t have tantrums whenever things don’t go your way. You can’t drive a car, a bicycle, or a lawn mower without paying attention to what you and everyone else on the road are doing. What if it had been a five-year-old you’d plowed into today?”

  “I… well… a five-year-old wouldn’t be out without a parent,” I hedged.

  “Then you would have bowled them both over because you weren’t watching where you were going, were you? You were too busy being mad at me and the world, weren’t you?”

  I felt shamed tears fill my eyes.

  “Shannon?”

  I looked up at the implacable command in his voice. “No, I wasn’t paying attention because I was too busy being mad about the ticket and at you about the bicycle.”

  Landon nodded. “What should I do about that?”

  “I… ummm… well, I think this stern talking-to has done me a world of good. I’ve turned over a new leaf…”

  “Go get your hairbrush.”

  I nodded miserably and went to fetch the brush from hell. Tears were already slipping down my cheeks when Landon took the brush from my hand and pulled me across his knees.

  Then he had to help me back to my feet to get my pants down. I finally had to tug the wet jeans and panties down myself to end the torment. Landon was taking entirely too long.

  Then I was back across his lap and his hand was dancing across my bottom in a rhythm of his own making.

  I yelped and kicked and squirmed, then yelped some more. My bottom already felt as if a thousand fires had been lit on it when he picked up the brush. Have I mentioned that I hate that brush?

  I was sobbing limply across his lap by the time it fell the fifth time. Landon brought it down several more times in quick succession before pulling me up to curl in his arms and cry.

  I sniffled and snuffled and snuggled into his comforting arms. “I’m sorry. I know I acted horribly.”

  “All is forgiven, but I think it would be best if you didn’t drive anything for a while. The bicycle wasn’t as good an idea as I thought.”

  I sat up with a frown. “How will I get to work?”

  “I’ve decided to get you a bus pass. How much trouble can you get into as a passenger?”

  A Tale of Transit

  DAY ONE

  I felt as nervous as a kindergartner on the first day of school as I stood waiting at the bus stop. This would be a new experience for me. I’d never ridden on the transit system.

  As I waited I began to sing softly to myself. “Bus stop, bus stop… hmmmm mmmmmhh mmmmhhh. One day I saw her waiting at the stop and I asked her what she’d bought, hmmm mmmmhh, please share my umbrella. Bus stop …”

  My song drifted to a halt as the dour-faced man standing next to me shot me a frown.

  I heaved a sigh. I couldn’t even entertain myself while I waited.

  Sheeesh!

  Then the wait was over as a large blue bus pulled to the curb.

  I climbed aboard and smiled at the driver. “Hi, I’m Shannon. My car is temporarily indisposed and I’ll be riding the bus to work for a while.”

  The big burly bus driver frowned at me. “Bus pass or tokens?”

  “Oh, I have a bus pass,” I said with a grin.

  The driver raised one brow. “You have a bus pass.”

  I frowned. Hadn’t I just said that? “Yes. Here it is.” I pulled the blue plastic card from my pocket and held it up for his inspection.

  He heaved a sigh of impatience and pointed at the card swipe. “Then swipe it and sit down.”

  I quickly swiped my card and found a seat, thinking all the way what a grumpy man the bus driver was.

  Oh, well, maybe he was having an off day. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

  As I watched the scenery pass by, I noticed that when people wanted to get off, they pressed one of the tiny buttons over the seats. That seemed easy enough.

  I saw my stop approaching and pressed the button. Peering a little closer out the window, I realized it wasn’t my stop after all. I sighed and sat back down.

  The bus stopped. When no one got off, the bus driver glared at me in the rearview mirror. I frowned back at him. Anyone can make a mistake! It was after all the first time I’d ridden a bus and they don’t offer bus-riding orientation. They just give you a card and you’re on your own.

  I pushed my irritation aside and got back to watching for my stop. When it was near, I pressed the button.

  Funny… it hadn’t made a sound… wasn’t it supposed to do a little ding so you knew the driver heard it?

  Just to be sure I hit the button again. I still didn’t hear it so I pushed it a third and a fourth time to be extra sure. I didn’t want to miss my stop and be late for work.

  The bus halted so suddenly the car behind us honked.

  I walked up the aisle to get off when I got over the jolt.

  It was odd but when I steppe
d off, I could see that the driver had stopped at least thirty feet in front of the stop.

  The people waiting at the bus stop grumbled as they walked past me to get on.

  “Cut him some slack, he is having an off day,” I advised the travelers as I made my way past them and toward my office building.

  DAY TWO

  “Good morning!” I sang out as I boarded the bus.

  Grumpy Gus just stared at me and grumbled, “Bus pass?”

  “Oh, okay.” I sighed as I swiped the card and made my way back to my seat. Poor man, he must have been having a bad week.

  I felt proud that I recognized when to hit the button without any mistakes. I still hit it several times just to be sure. You can’t be too careful, after all.

  It was funny, but today when I stepped off the bus it was even farther from the stop than the day before. As I made the short walk from the bus stop to work, I wondered if he had a depth perception problem. Who knows?

  DAY THREE

  The third day when I said hello, he just stared straight ahead and grunted. I sighed and made my way back to what had become my regular seat.

  I was beginning to enjoy the peaceful ride into work. It was kind of nice not to have to worry about other drivers. As a passenger I could just relax. I could even sleep safely if I wanted! Of course if I did, then I might miss my stop.

  I reached my hand up to ring the bell when a loud voice boomed at me, “Don’t you dare touch it!”

  I pulled my hand back, worried that the button was infected with some horrid disease. Would men in white shielded suits come running down the bus aisle and quarantine us?

  “Is something wrong?” I asked worriedly.

  “So long as you keep your hands off that button or any other button on the bus, everything is fine,” he said with a smirk as he pulled up to my stop.

  He’d insulted me!

  The more I thought about it, the angrier I was. I turned when I was off the bus and glared fiercely at him before sticking my tongue out.

  Jerk! He had no reason at all to scare me like that!

  DAY FOUR

  As I got on the bus the fourth day, there were no happy good mornings, no cheery smiles exchanged. Instead we glared at each other with mutual hostility as I swiped my bus pass. I was determined I wouldn’t let him intimidate me.