Naturally Naughty

by Morganna Williams

  I told Helen and Gert to relax with the men while I cleaned up. I didn’t want Gert in my kitchen and I figured that if Helen stayed in the living room, Gert would too.

  No such luck. I’d just finished putting away the food and was about to do dishes when in walked Gert.

  My kitchen got another disdainful sniff. “Do you need any help, dear?”

  I don’t know what made me do it. I swear some impish pixie jumped into my skin and took control of my body. I would never do such a thing. Really, I wouldn’t!

  I smiled sweetly at Gert. “Oh, no, I’m almost done. Sassy makes doing dishes a breeze.”

  I sat a plate down before my dog and watched as he licked it completely clean. Then bent down and picked it up, placing another before him.

  “Voilà! One down and only twelve to go!” I said enthusiastically as I turned and put the licked clean dish up in my cabinet.

  Gertrude blanched, then turned abruptly on her heel and marched out of my kitchen. Mission accomplished!

  I could hear Gertrude shouting orders from the other room. “James! Helen! Get your things! We’re leaving at once!”

  I walked into the room, all wide-eyed innocence. “What… you’re leaving?”

  James gave me a baffled look before running to get their coats. Great Aunt Gertrude refused to look at me. She went and gave Landon a tight hug. “My poor dear boy.”

  I ignored the suspicious look Landon shot in my direction.

  Helen pulled me to the side. “How did you do it? I’ve been trying to get her to make a quick exit from my house for years.”

  “What? I don’t know what you mean!” I pulled the most innocent expression I could muster.

  Helen snorted and followed James and Gert out the door.

  Landon turned and looked at me.

  “What?” I asked.

  “That’s what I’d like to know,” Landon replied.

  “Landon, I was nice. You saw I didn’t respond to any of her constant criticism with anything but a smile.”

  He eyed me suspiciously for another minute. “All right, but if I find out…”

  “Really, Landon, that hurts my feelings!” I stomped out of the room, returning to the kitchen to do the dishes.

  I couldn’t help but grin as I pulled Sassy’s dish from the cabinet and put it in the dishwasher. The look on the old battleax’s face had been priceless!

  Later Landon and I were snuggled on the couch when the phone rang. I could hear James’s angry voice and Helen’s laughter from where I was sitting.

  “What is it, dad? What? I can’t hear you. What’s mom laughing about?”

  I clearly heard James snap, “Helen, it’s not funny!”

  Maybe it was time for me to start putting up the Christmas tree. I started to get up off the couch, but a hand clamped on my thigh and held me down.

  “She did what? I see… I’m sorry, dad… no, I’ll handle it.”

  Landon glared at me as he finished talking with his father.

  “Shannon, what were you thinking?”

  “I… well… she… I… I don’t suppose it would help to say I was temporarily inhabited by a peapod from another planet?”

  He just stared at me. So much for humor.

  “Get your hairbrush.”

  My bottom began to tingle and flush. “But Landon… I was nice… I…”

  “That was a horrible trick to play on an old lady! You should be ashamed of yourself! I know Aunt Gertie can be difficult, but I love her. How could you be so mean to someone I love?”

  All of the sudden I felt about as big as a gnat. “I’m sorry, Landon.”

  “You will be. Go get the brush.”

  I quickly did as I was told and was soon standing before him, brush in hand.

  Landon wasted no time; in a flash I was bottom up, panties down across his strong thighs and his hand was lighting a fire in my backside that wouldn’t soon be extinguished.

  I yipped and yelped as I jerked over his knee.

  Then he picked up the brush. “I can’t believe you let my aunt think the dog did our dishes.”

  The brush cracked off my backside with a resounding smack.

  “Yeeeooooooccccchhhhh!!” I really need to burn that brush.

  “Next time you need a buffer between you and Aunt Gertie, come and get me.”

  Each word was punctuated with another stinging slap of the brush.

  “Yes siirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! I’m sorreeeeeeeeee!”

  Then it was over and I was being cuddled tight to his chest as I sniffled about my stinging bottom.

  As he cuddled me, Landon gave a little chuckle. “Shannon, you really are a nut.”

  I am… Victorious?

  My nephew Clayton and I stood glaring up at the broken tree limb. It hung about thirty feet up in the old pecan tree, bent at a ninety-degree angle.

  The storms must have broken it, and there it was dangling pretty as you please above my front yard.

  If I had a tall enough ladder, I would simply have climbed up there and sawed it the rest of the way off. As it was, I didn’t have the ladder or a saw.

  Well, not a saw big enough for this project. I thought of my small hacksaw; I had a hard enough time sawing the little branches with it. No way was I going to try it on a limb.

  I sighed, then inspiration struck. “Clayton, run get me that long black dog leash I had you take into the laundry room.”

  Clayton brought it to me, curious to see what I was going to do with it.

  He watched as I began trying to toss it over part of the dangling limb. I got it up there a few times, but it was too short to dangle down enough for me to grab it.

  “Hmmmm… Clayton, isn’t there another leash in the laundry room?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Go check for me, would ya, doodle bug?”

  “Okay.”

  Clayton was gone and back in a flash, carrying a wide red leash sporting a big rubber dog bone grip at the end near the handle.

  “Perfect!” I grinned with enthusiasm as I fastened the hooks on the leashes together then tossed the rubber dog bone easily over the branches and catching it on the other side.

  I slipped the dog bone and the end of the red leash through the looped handle of the black leash and then pulled it tight.

  I pulled experimentally, holding the rubber dog bone in one and looping the handle around my other hand. The big limb swayed, then came toward me.

  It was going to work!

  I stepped back, pulling as hard as I could on the leash. The branch bent and made a slight cracking sound, but that was all.

  “Ummmm… Shannon… I don’t think this is such a good idea.”

  I frowned over at Clayton. “It will be fine.”

  “Ummm… I don’t know…”

  “Shhh… it’ll work, you’ll see.”

  I pulled and pulled and pulled some more. Clayton started helping me to pull too. Nothing… nada… it didn’t even make that cracking sound again.

  I sighed and studied the tree branch thinking.

  “Ummm… Shannon? Maybe we need Uncle Landon. Maybe we need a man… a strong man.”

  I made a face at Clayton, the ever-helpful six-year-old. Chauvinism starts early, doesn’t it?

  I decided that if I could get the limb to twist, it would break off the rest of the way and fall to the ground. So I took up the big red dog bone and, holding it high, began to walk in a circle, pulling the limb around with me. I made two circuits when I heard the cracking sound again.

  This was promising!

  The limb seemed to be dangling a little closer to the ground. Eureka! I’d found the secret.

  Holding my trusty dog leash, I walked the limb in another couple of circles and then, standing back, I pulled and tugged again, then let it go, watching as it spun and cracked again.

  Then I did a few reverse circles and then back forwards again.

  Suddenly there was an awesome crack and the whole limb fell to the ground. I�
��d done it! I was victorious! I had triumphed over the stubborn tree limb! I smiled up into the pecan tree. No more pesky broken limb!

  “Ummmm… Shannon?”

  “What, Clayton? I did it! Did you see I did it?”

  “Yes, but… ummm… isn’t that Uncle Landon’s?”

  I followed his gaze to where the tree limb rested safely on the ground. As I looked a little closer, I saw what Clayton was pointing to.

  What looked like a big hunk of scratched green metal was crumpled underneath the limb.

  I tried to make sense of what I was seeing when it hit me. Landon’s new barbecue grill!

  “Landon is gonna kill me!”

  In my desire to pull the tree limb down, I’d totally forgotten to move the grill out of the way. I’d even walked around it on my circuits with the tree limb.

  This was bad… very bad. Maybe he wouldn’t notice…

  * * *

  I tried everything I could think of to get my nemesis, that stupid tree limb off the barbecue pit. It was no use; the damn tree limb was too heavy for me to move more than a few inches.

  I sighed with frustration as I sat down on the front porch stairs and looked at the tree limb. That damn tree limb.

  Clayton sat beside me, shaking his head. “That damn tree limb,” he parroted.

  Shit, had I said that out loud?

  Great! In addition to destroying Landon’s grill, I was furthering my nephew’s language skills. My sister was sure to be tickled pink!

  Clayton and I were still sitting there side by side staring at the tree limb when Landon got home.

  Landon, seeing us on the front steps, walked over to say hello, freezing in his tracks at the sight of the tree limb and his mangled barbecue.

  I jumped up from my perch. “Landon, I’m sooo sorry.”

  He shook his head. “I should have taken care of that limb last week. I’m just thankful it didn’t fall on you or Clayton.”

  As Landon put his arm around me, hugging me to his side, I realized that I had a golden opportunity. He didn’t seem to realize the tree limb had a little help in its demise.

  “I should have known it would fall eventually.”

  I felt my heart swell with hope, nudging aside the tiny niggle of guilt. I was gonna get off scot-free!

  Of course I hadn’t remembered one very important thing. Clayton.

  “Oh, it didn’t fall, Uncle Landon, Shannon pulled it down all by herself! You should have seen it, she was like the incredible hulk!”

  Out of the mouths of babes! I was doomed.

  I felt Landon’s body go rigid next to me. I turned to face him, backing up as I saw the intense heat building in his gaze.

  “I can explain!”

  Landon crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the pecan tree that had gotten me into this mess to begin with.

  “Well, like you said, the tree limb needed to be dealt with. I had Clayton today so I didn’t want him playing out here in the yard with that thing looming there like an accident waiting to happen.”

  “Shannon, you’re the accident waiting to happen. How did you get it down? You could barely even reach the lowest part of the dead branch.”

  I smiled triumphantly. “I had a plan!”

  “Oh, god… why me?” Landon rubbed a weary hand over his eyes and then looked heavenward as if in appeal.

  I chose to ignore him and continued with my story. “I got two dog leashes and connected them, then swung one end up over the limb, caught the other end, and stuck the end through. You know Sassy’s leash with the red rubber bone on it? It made the perfect grip! Then it was only a matter of pulling against the branch. Of course it wasn’t as easy as I first thought it would be, I kind of had to twist it a few times to get it to finally fall, but there it is!” Then I remembered the barbecue and ran out of steam. “Of course I kinda forgot to move your barbecue pit. I’m sorry, but at least the tree limb is down.”

  “Of all the hare-brained ideas. It’s a wonder it’s not you or Clayton lying under that tree limb!”

  I winced at the bite in Landon’s words. “I made Clayton stand back in the driveway.”

  “Well, thank god for that!”

  “I told her it wasn’t a good idea, Uncle Landon.”

  I turned to glare at Clayton. The little traitor! My nephew had turned into Eddie Haskell before my very eyes. So much for being like the incredible hulk!

  “Shannon, wait for me in the house. I’m going to run Clayton home.”

  I started to argue, but then after careful study of Landon’s strained features I thought better of it. I kissed Clayton goodbye and made it indoors in record time.

  As I waited, I paced the living room. It was certain that Landon planned to light a fire in my behind upon his return. I wondered if I had time to join the Peace Corps and make it to Cambodia before he got back.

  I’d heard Cambodia was nice this time of year; at least the climate would be a lot better than the one in my living room when Landon got back.

  Landon stormed into the living room. Before I had a chance to say as much as hello, I was face down across his lap with my shorts and panties at my knees.

  Landon apparently wasn’t in the mood to chatter because his hand did all the talking. In fact, it talked so hard, I was howling in a matter of seconds.

  “Oooooooowwwwwwwww! Ooooowwwww! I’m soooorrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

  When my butt was hot enough that he could have grilled steaks on it and forgone replacing the grill, he finally stopped and started lecturing.

  As I hung miserably over his knee, I only heard about every three words or so through my sniffles.

  “…can’t believe… foolish… killed… Clayton… no business… ever again…”

  Even though I missed most of the words, his meaning was clear. I’d was never to try limb removal myself without supervision again. No way, no how.

  Then Landon lifted me to stand before him and bent me over the arm of the couch.

  This was so not good!

  I heard him unbuckle his belt and tried to get up.

  “Oh, no, you don’t. I think five licks with my belt will ensure you remember this conversation.”

  Was I in danger of forgetting? I think not.

  The first lick caught me low on the under-curve of my bottom and brought me high onto my toes with a gasp. The second had me dancing. The third caused a shimmy that would have put a burlesque dancer to shame. The fifth and sixth seemed to land exactly where the first had and nearly sent me over the arm of the couch.

  Then I was in Landon’s arms and he was rocking me to and fro.

  “I’m sorry about the grill, Landon,” I wailed into his wet shirtfront.

  He kissed the top of my head. “I don’t care about the grill, baby. The grill can be replaced. You are one of a kind.”

  Then he kissed me deeply and cupped my tender bottom in his palms.

  And then… well, that story is better left for another time…

  Epilogue

  Landon and I have been married for almost fifteen years now. It’s hard to believe how much trouble I used to get into.

  Now I’m an old married woman and the mother of three. I’m way too busy to get into trouble.

  Honest. I explain this to Landon every chance I get.

  So imagine how shocked I was when I sat down at the table after serving my precious progeny their supper and my oldest son, Nathan, looked at my husband and ratted me out. “Dad, you’re never gonna believe what mom did today…”

  Landon’s brow quirked at me, then he looked back at Nathan. “Son, I doubt anything your mother could do would surprise me.”

  “Landon!” I said, admonishing him for speaking so in front of our precious children—although some were not quite as precious as they once were.

  “Shannon.”

  It’s funny how these days, just the sound of my name on his lips and that certain undeniable tone is enough to close my mouth.

  What can I
say? Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  The End

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  More Stormy Night Books by Morganna Williams

  The Commander’s Mate

  While she struggles to change a tire on a lonely road late at night, Izzy’s quiet, uneventful life changes suddenly and drastically when Grayson—a huge, handsome male from the planet Ramel—comes to her rescue. Earth has recently entered into a treaty which gives each Ramelian male the right to select a human woman as his mate, and to Izzy’s shock, Grayson chooses her.

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  But even as Izzy finds herself falling in love with Grayson, she wonders if she can ever adjust to life as the commander’s mate. She craves his touch, but can a man who dominates her body so utterly also lay claim to her heart?