Reditus

by Mary M Wallace

  After leaving Rowan’s place, he’d hoped to get some sleep, but he’d been unable to shut off his rambling thoughts. His mind kept circling back to Bree’s angry words from earlier. The hurt look in her blue eyes as she’d left. Sawyer calling him an idiot. Corbin ordering him to fix it, Rowan’s warning. So, he’d gotten out of bed and picked up his sketchpad, knowing that it wouldn’t help. But he didn’t know what else to do. In the past, drawing had been his escape; a way to shut off his mind and calm his nerves. Lately though, it seemed to have the opposite effect.

  He was sketching the long waves of her dark hair spilling down her back when he heard a knock at his door. It was late and his first instinct was to wonder who would be at his door this time of night. That thought was quickly followed with the idea that there might be some sort of emergency. He crossed to the door in two long strides and opened it to see Bree standing there. Her eyes were red and her hair was pulled back into a sloppy ponytail. She looked like she hadn’t slept at all. His breath caught in his throat. The idea that she’d been crying had his heart clenching.

  “What happened?” he asked, concern evident in his voice. “Is everything okay?”

  Bree waved a hand. “Nothing. It’s fine. Can I come in?” Her voice was hoarse. Without waiting for an answer, she pushed past him into the room. Declan released his breath in relief that no great catastrophe had occurred. He closed the door and turned to face Bree. She took off her jacket and laid it across the back of the couch then looked up at him. Declan hated the pained look in her eyes.

  “What is it?” he asked her again, his voice full of concern.

  Her words, when they came weren’t what he expected. They cut through him like a knife. “Declan,” she said quietly. “What happened to us?”

  He blinked at her directness then looked away from her gaze. “I don’t know what you mean,” he said.

  Bree gave a humorless laugh. “Right,” she said, her voice tinged with anger. “Right. You’ve been distant ever since we got here. What’s going on with you?”

  Declan walked back toward the drawing table and said, “I’m just trying to focus on the mission. Neither of us needs any distractions. This is life and death, Bree.” He turned back to face her, more comfortable with the length of the room between them.

  Her face flushed and Declan knew he’d said the wrong thing. “Distraction?” she asked, her voice incredulous. “Is that what I am to you, Declan? A distraction that you need to ignore? I thought we were friends? Remember? We’re supposed to be in this together, a team. Lately, it feels like you’re avoiding me.”

  Declan said, “It’s better this way. We need to keep things professional. It’s better if we keep our emotions out of it.”

  Bree’s anger finally exploded. “Professional?” she nearly shouted the word. “You can’t be serious! Keep emotion out of it? That’s crap and you know it! Do you actually believe that’s possible?” She laughed again but there was no humor in it. “Declan, things between us have never been professional. Our emotions have been involved since before we even met!”

  “Bree,” He tried to speak. He didn’t know what to say but he knew he needed to diffuse the situation. “Please,” he said. “Just listen to me.”

  She shook her head, infuriated by the calm tone he was using. “No, Declan. You can listen to me. I don’t want to keep things professional. I don’t think I can anymore.”

  He was frozen in place, struck by the meaning behind her words. “Bree,” he said quietly. “We can’t.” He broke off at the pain he saw in her eyes. He looked down and saw the half–finished sketch of her lying there. He closed his eyes briefly. Turning back to face her, he said, “I’m sorry.” His voice was pleading, begging her to understand. He didn’t know what else to say. Bree stared at him in silence for a moment.

  “I can’t keep doing this,” she finally whispered. He kept his eyes downcast. He couldn’t bring himself to look at her but he could hear the pain behind her words. He felt it like a physical blow.

  She cleared her throat and swallowed hard before speaking again, her voice only slightly stronger than before. “I can’t see you every day, be here like this. Not actually being with you. Then I go to my room at night and I dream of everything I wish we could have. Everything I know we could be. And every night I know how it’s going to end. I know we’re going to end up in that room. And I’m going to have to watch you die,” her voice broke Declan finally looked up to meet her gaze. He hated himself for the pain he saw there, for the tears that filled her eyes. He wanted to stop her, to make her stop describing that awful scene. He couldn’t bear to hear the words spoken. But he remained silent and let her speak.

  “I’ll run. I’ll run faster than I ever have. I’ll try to convince myself that I can save you. That I’ll be fast enough. That it will be okay. And I’ll hear you scream in agony,” the last word was practically a whisper. “I’ll burst into that room and be so relieved to see you alive,” she gave a small, sad smile. “My heart flutters, you know. Every night when I see you alive and tied to that chair. In my sleep, I feel that.” Her balled up fist was pressed to her heart. He pictured every moment as she described it. He knew every detail. “I’ll try to bargain. I’ll beg and I’ll plead. I’ll know that it’s useless but I’ll try. Right up until the moment my heart stops beating. I’ll try.” She drew in a deep breath. “And when I’m lying on the dirty floor, suffocating, drowning in my own blood and watching you die, do you know what thought goes through my head every time? Every. Single. Time! I think ‘It was worth it.’ Loving you. Being with you. It was worth ending up in that room. Dying. All the pain. It’s worth everything. We are worth it.” The last sentence was spoken with a fierceness that he’d never heard from her.

  Declan’s vision blurred and his throat was tight as he listened to Bree talk. He blinked hard, trying to find the words he needed to respond. But she wasn’t finished. When she spoke again, the sadness was gone from her voice and was replaced with steel.

  “Every person on this planet will die. I’ll die. You’ll die. People die every day. Every second! A car hits them. A plane falls from the sky. Someone gets murdered. Cancer. Heart attack. Whatever! It happens. People don’t let that stop them from taking a chance. They don’t stop living their lives! I’d rather have something with you and lose it than die never knowing how it feels to be with you. I’m here right now. You’re here. And I know you want the same thing. I can see it when you look at me! I can hear it in your voice. I feel it. And I live it every single night when I fall asleep. And you know what? I look forward to those dreams. How pathetic is that?” She threw her hands up and looked to the ceiling for a moment before continuing.

  “They’re just dreams but they’re the best part of my day. For a few minutes, I get to be with you the way I want to. The way I know we’re supposed to be. Even though I know it’s going to end horribly, I look forward to every moment leading up to it. Look at me and tell me you don’t feel the same way.” Declan looked away and said nothing. “Look at me!” Bree shouted. “Say something! Anything! Please!” She sucked in a ragged breath as she stopped speaking. She looked at him, silently begging him to do or say something that would either give her hope or finally make her give up on him. “Please,” she whispered. He said nothing but she watched his shoulders move with an unsteady breath. She hated that he wouldn’t fight for what she knew they both wanted. Suddenly, she needed to leave. She couldn’t be near him right now.

  “I’m done,” she said, scrubbing a hand over her cheeks. “I’m finished sitting back and letting you call the shots. I can’t do this anymore,” Bree’s voice was subdued. She was barely holding on. “I don’t know why I came here.” She picked up her jacket and started walking toward the door. Declan felt frozen. Everything she’d said was true. He was afraid. Watching her die every night was the most agonizing torture he’d ever felt. And he had to live it every night. If he gave in to what he was feeling and let himself be with her the way she wan
ted, he couldn’t imagine how much worse that pain would be. He didn’t think he’d survive.

  He opened his mouth to speak. He needed to make her understand. He was trying to protect them both. He watched her reach for the door and every part of him longed to stop her from leaving. To walk over and put his hand on her arm, to tell her to stay. His fear kept him rooted to the spot as she opened the door and slipped into the hallway without looking back. Declan felt a strange finality settle over the room when the door clicked quietly shut behind her. He had the unsettling thought that he’d just lost her even though she’d never truly been his. Something about the set of her shoulders as she’d walked out the door made him understand that Bree had meant what she’d said. She was finished. With him? Declan’s heart clenched painfully at the thought. He’d met Bree only a few months earlier but she’d been in his mind for as long as he could remember and the idea of her walking away from him—from them—wasn’t something he could imagine.

  His thoughts wandered without his control and a dozen images of Bree filled his mind. He saw her as she laughed at something her father said, her smile the first time she fired a gun, the light in her eyes as she’d seen his sketchbook the first time, how excited she got over a library. His mind mixed dreams with memories and he could almost feel her in his arms as they danced by candlelight. He could almost feel her hand on his cheek and her lips on his. He let out a frustrated groan and scrubbed a hand over his face as he stood. He paced the room several times, his brain refusing to stop torturing him with the images of everything they could be together. Bree had been right about that. Those dreams were the best part of his day too. He let his mind replay her other words. He remembered the intensity of her gaze as she’d pleaded with him. We are worth it. His eyes closed tightly and he took a deep breath. He knew she was right about one other thing. He did want the same thing. He wanted it with an intensity that almost frightened him.

  He stopped pacing and sat down heavily on the couch, dropping his head into his hands. He wondered what was really stopping him. All his life he’d been alone. No family, a few friends, not a lot to call his own. He’d never had someone who relied on him or someone to rely on. He’d grown so accustomed to being on his own and had never really known true loss. He’d lost his parents before he could remember them. He’d never lived in one place long enough to grow attached to anyone. Now though, he’d made a home and a life for himself here. Whether he’d planned for it or not, it all centered around one person. He didn’t know when it had happened but he suddenly realized that whatever happened next, whatever he did, it was for her. Since the night he’d caught her in that bar, she’d been at the center of everything. Maybe even before that night. He thought about his life before he’d met her and realized how empty it had been. With a dawning realization, he finally understood something he’d been missing. His life hadn’t really begun until the night Bree had fallen into his arms. He pictured her face as she’d walked away from him and suddenly he was on his feet. He made it to the door in two long strides and was halfway to her quarters before he heard his own door close behind him.

  He knocked on the door before he could think about what he was doing. He was tired of thinking. He was finally making a decision and acting on it, pushing aside all thoughts of the consequences. When the door opened and Bree stood there, confusion clear in her expression, Declan gave in and did the only thing he could. He did what he’d wanted to do since the night he’d met her. He cupped her face his hands and covered her mouth with his. She let out a startled sound that morphed into a tiny moan as she kissed him back with every bit of longing she’d felt since before they’d met. Her hands went to the front of his shirt, gripping it tightly, pulling him close. Their lips and tongues danced as their hearts pounded and their breaths came faster. Declan moved forward into the room, Bree walking backward as he did. He used to his foot to kick the door closed behind him. He gave himself over to the incredible sensation of the kiss, Bree’s hands gripping his waist, his fingers tangling in her hair as he dragged his mouth to her jaw, her neck and then back to her mouth.

  Her hands moved up under the hem of his t–shirt to feel the warm skin of his stomach, marveling at the muscles as they tensed under her touch. She’d never wanted anyone or anything so much as she wanted Declan right now. Their kissing was becoming frenzied and their breathing more ragged. Bree could hear the soft sounds she was making and didn’t care.

  Declan stopped thinking and gave in to sensation. This was everything he’d wanted since the first time he saw Bree in that bar wearing that tiny red dress. Kissing her was just as amazing as he’d known it would be. He couldn’t get enough. He felt her hands on his stomach under his shirt and smiled against her mouth.

  He reached down and took her hands in his, smiling when she let out a disappointed sound. They were both breathing heavily. He brought her hands to his lips and kissed first one palm, then the other. Then he put them around his neck. Before Bree even realized his intent, Declan scooped her up with one arm behind her back and the other under her legs. He kissed her long and slow before turning to walk down the hall to the bedroom. Bree didn’t know what she’d done or said that finally got Declan to change his mind, but she honestly didn’t care. She couldn’t remember ever feeling this happy before and she wasn’t going to waste it. As he walked, she leaned up and trailed kisses along his jaw and neck, loving the way his breathing changed as she did so.

  Declan had a moment to consider the consequences of what they were doing. He had the brief thought that he should stop, put her down and walk away. Then Bree started kissing his neck and all rational thought left him. He only knew sensation and need. As he entered the bedroom, he paused for a moment to look down at the woman he held in his arms. It was amazing how perfectly she fit there and how natural it felt to be holding her. He felt like everything up to this point had been wrong and now suddenly everything was right.

  He walked to the bed and turned, sitting with Bree in his lap. She kept one arm around his neck and placed the other on his chest over his heart, loving the feel of its strong beat under her palm. For a moment, they were both still, looking into one another’s eyes. Declan’s hand rested on the curve of her hip, his thumb slowly stroking the small bit of skin showing under the hem of her shirt. Bree was terrified that he was having second thoughts and was going to put an end to this. As much as she wanted it, she needed him to feel the same way. She’d hate herself if she felt like she had tricked him into this.

  “Declan,” she said quietly. “I want this more than you can imagine.” She paused to gather strength, taking a deep breath. “But I need you to want the same thing. I need this to be equal. I want to make sure you’re on the same page.”

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  “I mean that I’m in love with you,” Bree said it quickly before losing the courage. She smiled, feeling lighter as the words left her mouth. She went on, still speaking fast. “I’m so ridiculously in love with you. I think I have been since I looked in your eyes in that bar. You looked so shocked and serious and angry. Your eyes were dark and scowling at me. I wanted to kiss you and I didn’t even know you. I was so disappointed when you stepped away from me.” She stared at the place where his shirt collar met his neck, feeling her face burning. “It’s so embarrassing. Every time I saw you after that I just fell deeper and deeper. And every time you’d tell me that we needed to keep our distance or that we were ‘great friends’, I wanted to smack you and beg you to feel the same way I do. So yes, I want this. I want this more than I can say. But I don’t want it unless I know that you want to be with me. I want us to be together.” Bree closed her eyes, embarrassed by her rambling outburst and worried about what he was going to say.

  Declan had listened to her, fighting hard not to grin like an idiot as she’d said she loved him. “Is it my turn now?” he asked. Bree didn’t look up but she nodded. Declan brought his hand up to her chin and gently turned her face up to look at him. “I want yo
u to look at me when I say this. I don’t want there to be any confusion or misunderstanding between us. Not about this.” She nodded again and turned her eyes to his.

  “You were right before,” he began. His hand moved to her cheek. “I was afraid. I was terrified. I still am. But now I’m realizing that you were right. I can’t keep letting that damned nightmare control my life. I was afraid that if I let myself fall for you and then I lost you that I’d never recover. Even if I survived whatever is coming for us, I’d never really be alive again. I knew that loving you and then losing you would kill me,” he closed his eyes for a moment and took in a deep breath. “The thing I kept trying to deny is that it was already too late. I’m a goner. I have been since the first time you fell into my arms.” His lips curved into a smile. “Wearing that tiny red dress and those ridiculous shoes. With that look of surprise on your face. Your eyes were so blue. I thought I’d never seen eyes so blue.” He stroked her cheek with his thumb and studied her eyes in the dim light. “I’ve been in love with you from the first second I saw you. I thought that maybe if I ignored it and kept you at arm’s length I could keep us both safe. I could keep my sanity. God, Bree. The thought of you dying hurts. Every night when that gun goes off and I see you fall…” Declan’s words trailed off and he closed his eyes. When he opened them again Bree could see the haunted look of fear in them.

  Her heart clenched. “Shh. It’s okay. I’m here,” she whispered urgently. “We can change it. I believe that. I really do.” She reached up to place her hands on either side of his face, pulling it close to hers. “Together,” she said fiercely. “We can beat this. Ephraim and his army. Whatever it is, whatever’s coming, we’re stronger. We can change it.” She was shocked to see him this vulnerable. He was always so stoic. This had obviously been weighing on him. It had also not escaped her attention that he’d told her he loved her. She looked in his eyes and tried to project every ounce of love she felt into that look. “Declan, I love you. No matter what happens, I need you to know that.”