More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations

by Melody Beattie

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  There are times I have panicked at work and about where I was in my employment history. Panic never helped. Trust and working my program did.

  There were times I looked around and wondered why I was where I was. There were times people thought I should be someplace different. But when I looked into myself and at God, I knew I was in the right place, for the moment.

  There were times I didn't get the promotion I wanted. There were times I refused a promotion because it didn't feel right.

  There are times I have had to quit a job and walk away in order to be true to myself. Sometimes, that was frightening. Sometimes, I felt like a failure. But I learned this: If I was working my program and true to myself, I never had to fear where I was being led.

  There have been times I couldn't survive on the small amount of money I was receiving. Instead of bringing that issue to a particular employer and making it his or her fault, I have had to learn to bring the issue to myself and my Higher Power. I've learned I'm responsible for setting my boundaries and establishing what I believe I deserve. I've also learned God, not a particular employer, is my source of guidance.

  I've learned that I'm not stuck or trapped in a job no more than I am in a relationship. I have choices. I may not be able to see them clearly right now, but I do have choices. I've learned that if I really want to take care of myself in a particular way on a job, I will do that. And if I really want to be victimized by a job, I will allow that to happen too.

  I am responsible for my choices, and I have choices.

  Above all else, I've learned to accept and trust my present circumstances at work. That does not mean to submit; it does Page 175

  not mean to forego boundaries. It means to trust, accept, then take care of myself the best I'm able to on any given day.

  God, help me bring my recovery behaviors to my career affairs.

  June 23

  Letting Go of Old Beliefs

  Try harder. Do better. Be perfect.

  These messages are tricks that people have played on us. No matter how hard we try, we think we have to do better. Perfection always eludes us and keeps us unhappy with the good we've done.

  Messages of perfectionism are tricks because we can never achieve their goal. We cannot feel good about ourselves or what we have done while these messages are driving us. We will never be good enough until we change the messages and tell ourselves we are good enough now.

  We can start approving of and accepting ourselves. Who we are is good enough. Our best yesterday was good enough; our best today is plenty good too.

  We can be who we are, and do it the way we do it—today. That is the essence of avoiding perfection.

  God, help me let go of the messages that drive me into the crazies. I will give myself permission to be who I am and let that be good enough.

  June 24

  Detachment

  Detachment doesn't come naturally for many of us. But once we realize the value of this recovery principle, we understand how vital detachment is. The following story illustrates how a woman came to understand detachment.

  ''The first time I practiced detachment was when I let go of my alcoholic husband. He had been drinking for seven Page 176

  years—since I had married him. For that long, I had been denying his alcoholism and trying to make him stop drinking.

  ''I did outrageous things to make him stop drinking, to make him see the light, to make him realize how much he was hurting me. I really thought I was doing things right by trying to control him.

  "One night, I saw things clearly. I realized that my attempts to control him would never solve the problem. I also saw that my life was unmanageable. I couldn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. His alcoholism was controlling me, even though I wasn't drinking.

  "I set him free, to do as he chose. The truth is, he did as he pleased anyway. Things changed the night I detached. He could feel it, and so could I. When I set him free, I set myself free to live my own life.

  "I've had to practice the principle of detachment many times since then. I've had to detach from unhealthy people and healthy people. It's never failed. Detachment works"

  Detachment is a gift. It will be given to us when we're ready for it. When we set the other person free, we are set free.

  Today, wherever possible, I will detach in love.

  June 25

  Withholding

  Sometimes, to protect ourselves, we close ourselves off from a person we're in a relationship with. Our body may be present, but we're not. We're not available to participate in the relationship.

  We shut down.

  Sometimes, it is appropriate and healthy to shut down in a relationship. We may legitimately need some time out.

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  Sometimes it is selfdefeating to close ourselves off in a relationship.

  To stop being vulnerable, honest, and present for another person can put an end to the relationship. The other person can do nothing in the relationship when we are gone. Closing ourselves makes us unavailable to that relationship.

  It is common to go through temporary periods of closing down in a relationship. But it is unhealthy to make this an ongoing practice. It may be one of our relationship sabotaging devices.

  Before we close down, we need to ask ourselves what we are hoping to accomplish by shutting down. Do we need some time to deal? To heal? To grow? To sort through things? Do we need time out from this relationship? Or are we reverting to our old ways—hiding, running, and terminating relationships because we are afraid we cannot take care of ourselves in any other way?

  Do we need to shut down because the other person truly isn't safe, is manipulating, lying, or acting out addictively or abusively? Are we shutting down because the other person has shut down and we no longer want to be available?

  Shutting down, shutting off, closing ourselves and removing our emotional presence from a relationship is a powerful tool. We need to use it carefully and responsibly.

  To achieve intimacy and closeness in a relationship, we need to be present emotionally. We need to be available.

  God, help me be emotionally present in the relationships I choose to be in.

  June 26

  Surviving Slumps

  A slump can go on for days. We feel sluggish, unfocused, and sometimes overwhelmed with feelings we can't sort out. We may not understand what is going on with us. Even our

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  attempts to practice recovery behaviors may not appear to work. We still don't feel emotionally, mentally, and spiritually as good as we would like.

  In a slump, we may find ourselves reverting instinctively to old patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving, even when we know better. We may find ourselves obsessing, even when we know that what we're doing is obsessing and that it doesn't work.

  We may find ourselves looking frantically for other people to make us feel better, the whole time knowing our happiness and wellbeing does not lay with others.

  We may begin taking things personally that are not our issues, and reacting in ways we've learned all too well do not work.

  We're in a slump. It won't last forever. These periods are normal, even necessary. These are the days to get through. These are the days to focus on recovery behaviors, whether or not the rewards occur immediately. These are sometimes the days to let ourselves be and love ourselves as much as we can.

  We don't have to be ashamed, no matter how long we've been recovering. We don't have to unreasonably expect "more" from ourselves. We don't ever have to expect ourselves to live life perfectly.

  Get through the slump. It will end. Sometimes, a slump can go on for days and then, in the course of an hour, we see ourselves pull out of it and feel better. Sometimes it can last a little longer.

  Practice one recovery behavior in one small area, and begin to climb uphill. Soon, the slump will disappear. We can never judge where we will be tomorrow by where we are today.

  Today, I will f
ocus on practicing one recovery behavior on one of my issues, trusting that this practice will move me forward. I will Page 179

  remember that acceptance, gratitude, and detachment are a good place to begin.

  June 27

  Achieving Harmony

  When a pianist learns a new piece of music, he or she does not sit down and instantly play it perfectly. A pianist often needs to practice each hand's work separately to learn the feel, to learn the sound. One hand picks out a part until there is a rhythm and ease in playing what is difficult. Then, the musician practices with the other hand, picking through the notes, one by one, until that hand learns its tasks. When each hand has learned its part—the sound, the feel, the rhythm, the tones—then both hands can play together.

  During the time of practice, the music may not sound like much. It may sound disconnected, not particularly beautiful. But when both hands are ready to play together, music is created—a whole piece comes together in harmony and beauty.

  When we begin recovery, it may feel like we spend months, even years, practicing individual, seemingly disconnected behaviors in the separate parts of our life.

  We take our new skills into our work, our career, and begin to apply them slowly, making our work relationships healthier for us. We take our skills into our relationships, sometimes one relationship at a time. We struggle through our new behaviors in our love relationships.

  One part at a time, we practice our new music note by note. We work on our relationship with our Higher Power—our spirituality. We work at loving ourselves. We work at believing we deserve the best. We work on our finances. On our recreation. Sometimes on our appearance. Sometimes on our home.

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  We work on feelings. On beliefs. On behaviors. Letting go of the old, acquiring the new. We work and work and work. We practice. We struggle through. We go from one extreme to the other, and sometimes back through the course again. We make a little progress, go backward, and then go forward again.

  It may all seem disconnected. It may not sound like a harmonious, beautiful piece of music—just isolated notes. Then one day, something happens. We become ready to play with both hands, to put the music together.

  What we have been working toward, note by note, becomes a song. That song is a whole life, a complete life, a life in harmony.

  The music will come together in our life if we keep practicing the parts.

  Today, I will practice my recovery behaviors through the individual parts of my life. I trust that, one day, things will come together in a full, complete song.

  June 28

  When Things Don't Work

  Frequently, when faced with a problem, we may attempt to solve it in a particular way. When that way doesn't work, we may continue trying to solve the problem in that same way.

  We may get frustrated, try harder, get more frustrated, and then exert more energy and influence into forcing the same solution that we have already tried and that didn't work.

  That approach makes us crazy. It tends to get us stuck and trapped. It is the stuff that unmanageability is made of.

  We can get caught in this same difficult pattern in relationships, in tasks, in any area of our life. We initiate something, it doesn't work, doesn't flow, we feel badly, then Page 181

  try the same approach harder, even though it's not working and flowing.

  Sometimes, it's appropriate not to give up and to try harder. Sometimes, it's more appropriate to let go, detach, and stop trying so hard.

  If it doesn't work, if it doesn't flow, maybe life is trying to tell us something. Life is a gentle teacher. She doesn't always send neon road signs to guide us. Sometimes, the signs are more subtle. Something not working may be a sign!

  Let go. If we have become frustrated by repeated efforts that aren't producing desired results, we may be trying to force ourselves down the wrong path. Sometimes, a different solution is appropriate. Sometimes, a different path opens up. Often, the answer will emerge more clearly in the quietness of letting go than it will in the urgency, frustration, and desperation of pushing harder.

  Learn to recognize when something isn't working or isn't flowing. Step back and wait for clear guidance.

  Today, I will not make myself crazy by repeatedly trying solutions that have proven themselves unsuccessful. If something isn't working, I will step back and wait for guidance.

  June 29

  God's Will

  God's will most often happens in spite of us, not because of us.

  We may try to second guess what God has in mind for us, looking, searching, hypervigilant to seek God's will as though it were a buried treasure, hidden beyond our reach. If we find it, we win the prize. But if we're not careful, we miss out.

  That's not how it works.

  We may believe that we have to walk on eggshells, saying, thinking, and feeling the right thing, while forcing ourselves Page 182

  somehow to be in the right place at the right time to find God's will. But that's not true.

  God's will for us is not hidden like a buried treasure. We do not have to control or force it. We do not have to walk on eggshells in order to have it happen.

  It is right there inside and around us. It is happening, right now. Sometimes, it is quiet and uneventful and includes the daily disciplines of responsibility and learning to take care of ourselves. Sometimes, it is healing us when we're in circumstances that trigger old grieving and unfinished business.

  Sometimes, it is grand.

  We do have a part. We have responsibilities, including caring for ourselves. But we do not have to control God's will for us. We are being taken care of. We are protected. And the Power caring for and protecting us loves us very much.

  If it is a quiet day, trust the stillness. If it is a day of action, trust the activity. If it is time to wait, trust the pause. If it is time to receive that which we have been waiting for, trust that it will happen clearly and with power, and receive the gift in joy.

  Today, I will trust that God's will is happening as it needs to in my life. I will not make myself anxious and upset by searching vigorously for God's will, taking unnecessary actions to control the course of my destiny or wondering if God's will has passed me by and I have missed it.

  June 30

  Accepting Change

  One day, my mother and I were working together in the garden. We were transplanting some plants for the third time. Grown from seed in a small container, the plants had been transferred to a larger container; then transplanted into

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  the garden. Now, because I was moving, we were transplanting them again.

  Inexperienced as a gardener, I turned to my greenthumbed mother. "Isn't this bad for them?" I asked, as we dug them up and shook the dirt from their roots. "Won't it hurt these plants, being uprooted and transplanted so many times?"

  "Oh, no," my mother replied. "Transplanting doesn't hurt them. In fact, it's good for the ones that survive. That's how their roots grow strong. Their roots will grow deep, and they'll make strong plants."

  Often, I've felt like those small plants—uprooted and turned upside down. Sometimes, I've endured the change willingly, sometimes reluctantly, but usually my reaction has been a combination.

  Won't this be hard on me? I ask. Wouldn't it be better if things remained the same? That's when I remember my mother's words: That's how the roots grow deep and strong.

  Today, God, help me remember that during times of transition, my faith and my self are being strengthened.

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  July

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  July 1

  Receiving

  Here is an exercise:

  Today, let someone give to you. Let someone do something nice for you. Let someone give you a compliment or tell you something good about yourself. Let someone help you.

  Then, stand there and take it. Take it in. Feel it. Know that you are worthy and deserving. Do not apologize. Do not say, ''You shouldn't have." Do not
feel guilty, afraid, ashamed, and panicky. Do not immediately try to give something back.

  Just say, "Thank you."

  Today, I will let myself receive one thing from someone else, and I will let myself be comfortable with that.

  July 2

  Who Knows Best?

  Others do not know what's best for us.

  We do not know what's best for others.

  It is our job to determine what's best for ourselves.

  "I know what you need". . . . "I know what you should do". . . . "Now listen, this is what I think you should be working on right now."

  These are audacious statements, beliefs that take us away from how we operate on a spiritual plane of life. Each of us is given the ability to be able to discern and detect our own path, on a daily basis. This is not always easy. We may have to struggle to reach that quiet, still place.

  Giving advice, making decisions for others, mapping out their strategy, is not our job. Nor is it their job to direct us. Even if we have a clean contract with someone to help us—such as in a sponsorship relationship—we cannot trust that others always know what is best for us. We are responsible for listening to the information that comes to us. We are responsible for asking for guidance and direction. But

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  it is our responsibility to sift and sort through information, and then listen to ourselves about what is best for us. Nobody can know that but ourselves.

  A great gift we can give to others is to be able to trust in them—that they have their own source of guidance and wisdom, that they have the ability to discern what is best for them and the right to find that path by making mistakes and learning.

  To trust ourselves to be able to discover—through that same imperfect process of struggle, trial, and error—is a great gift we can give ourselves.

  Today, I will remember that we are each given the gift of being able to discover what is best for ourselves. God, help me trust that gift.