Love Love

by Beth Michele

  I choke back my anger and twist my body away from him. I don’t want him to see me. “No, Brad, I don’t know what he wants, because he’s dead!”

  A shocked look overtakes Brad’s face. I might as well have slapped him.

  Teardrops continue to crash to the floor and break apart, just like my heart. I want to run. I want to hide. Mostly, I want to scream. I want to scream at all the people who’ve ever hurt me. I want to yell at my parents, who always expected me to be something I'm not; for not loving me, unconditionally, no matter my choices. I want to yell at my sister for not being there for me, not loving me enough. But mostly, I want to scream at Clark for leaving me that night, for not taking me with him.

  Brad grabs my arm and spins me around, tears rolling silently down his cheeks. “Gabby, please don’t do this. I can’t bear the thought of being without you. You’re too important to me. I need you so much.”

  “Let me go, Brad. You have to let me go!”

  There’s only one other person I’ve felt this way about in my entire life. Now, the thought of not being with Brad makes me want to curl up in a little ball in a corner and just stay there. With one touch, with one word, with one breath, he can unravel me. I've worked so hard up to this point not to let anyone get too close to me. Tears are falling down my shirt and soaking the carpet. I hold on to Brad so I can imprint him in my memory, then I pull away. The door is inches from me now. All I have to do is walk through it. I can do this. The carpet moves beneath my feet and the door creaks open.

  “Damnit, Gabby. Don’t fucking do this! You can’t do this!”

  I take one enormous breath, and without so much as a look back, walk over the threshold. The door closes, and just like that my heart slams against my chest and I know I’ll never be the same. I hear a loud crashing sound and the echo of shattered glass; it mimics my heart.

  I stumble with shaky legs down the hallway and out to the street, a burst of cool air smacking me in the face. I need Fran. Frantically, I dig through the clutter in my purse and pull out my phone. It’s ringing, and I’m silently praying she’s there.

  Thankfully, she picks up, her usual, perky self. “Hey, sweetie!”

  A sob betrays me. “Fran, are you at home? I really need you.”

  “Gabby, what is it? Why are you crying? What happened, honey?”

  The tears come, but the words don’t.

  With a fierce resolve, Fran says, “I’m here, honey. Kyle just left. I’m not going anywhere.”

  My trembling legs barely carry me to the subway. I feel eyes all over me as tears crawl down my mascara-smeared cheeks, and I’m silently telling them all to fuck off. Squeezing my eyes shut, I suck into myself and pray that no one touches me. Tonight, I won’t be responsible for my actions.

  When Fran opens the door to and sees my face, she says nothing, just pulls me forward and holds me while I sob in her arms. We stand there for several minutes until the tears subside. She takes my hand and leads me to her bedroom, then sits me down and removes my shoes. After fluffing up her pillow, she pulls the duvet over me. Kneeling on the bed next to me, she takes my hand in hers. “Talk to me, Gabby. Tell me what happened.”

  “I broke Brad’s heart, that’s what happened. I told him I needed space. But I’m really letting him go.”

  With concern in her voice, she sighs, “Oh, Gabby.” She strokes my hair. “Why would you do that, honey? I know how much you care about him, and you’d have to be blind to not see how much he cares about you. You’ve finally opened up, Gabby. I haven’t seen you like this since Clark. Is that what this is about? Because he’s not Clark, Gabby. He’s not going anywhere.”

  “I know he cares about me. Right now, anyway. But ultimately, I’ll end up disappointing him like I do everyone else in my life. I don’t deserve to be happy, Fran, not while Clark’s laying in the ground.”

  Fran takes a deep breath. “Gabby, listen to me. I know you’ve been hurt. I know the people you loved the most in your life let you down. I know, deep down, you feel that if they loved you enough, they wouldn’t have walked away from you. I know your family has made you feel that you’re not worthy of love. But let me fucking tell you something, Gabrielle Willis. If there’s anyone on this earth who deserves to be loved, and loved hard, it’s you. You’re my best friend, and one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. The way you live your life, the way you appreciate everything, is admirable. You’re such a giving person and you appreciate it all, the good and the bad. You know it has value in your life. Life’s lessons, you always tell me. You take those lessons and turn them into something positive. I love that about you. I’m not the only one, Gabby. It’s impossible not to love you.”

  I bury my face in the comforter, smearing my tears all over it. “I just can’t do this, Fran. I don’t have the strength.”

  Fran’s voice becomes stern. “Now you listen to me. Brad’s not your family, Gabby. He’s not. I know you’re scared. I know you think he’ll end up being just like them, or that you’ll lose him. Clark loved you, Gabby, and he would’ve wanted you to go on with your life, to be happy.”

  “I was supposed to be happy with him, Fran. I thought we were meant to be.”

  “I know, sweetie. But none of us know what life has in store for us, or how much time we have. Life is a risk, and you have to take risks if you’re ever going to have a chance at happiness. I want you to be happy. I’ve seen the way you are with Brad; he makes you happy. Take a chance. What’s the worst thing that can happen? I know you’re worried about getting hurt. But isn’t there also a chance that you’ll end up experiencing the happiness you’ve been searching for, for so long? Regardless of what happens, Gabby, I’ll be here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”

  Fran’s words swirl around in my head. “I just don’t know if I can, Fran. I just don’t know if I can get past the fear.”

  We sit in silence as Fran wipes the last of the tears from my face. In the comfort of her bed, I fall into a restless sleep, haunted by soft brown eyes, pain, and overwhelming disappointment.

  ***

  The days drag on but, before I know it, another week is over. It’s been seven whole days and I haven’t heard from Brad at all. Why would I? I told him I needed space. He’s just doing what I asked. I force myself to go back to Starbucks so I don’t have to see him. I can’t even share with him that I went to the information meeting and actually applied to Parsons for next year. Concentrating is so much harder than I thought. Everything in my being craves him. I miss his smell. I miss his smile. I miss his dimple. I miss that adorable wink he always gave me when I walked into his shop. I miss his touch. The way he made my skin shiver and my heart skip a beat. I miss him. I recognize this longing. It’s all too familiar. It hurts. It physically hurts.

  When I get home, Fran is waiting for me with compassion in her eyes. “Hey sweetie, how are you?”

  I walk over to the sofa and fall backwards with a thump. “I’m okay, Fran.”

  She comes over and takes a seat next to me, resting her hand on my thigh. “I saw Brad at the coffee shop today.”

  The sound of his name makes me lose my breath. Is he okay? Does he miss me? The question looming in my head makes its way out. “How is he?” I ask in a hoarse whisper.

  “He asked about you. And Gabby? He looks miserable.”

  Fran doesn’t leave my side all weekend except to buy me some of my favorite things. She holds up an overstuffed grocery bag and a handful of DVDs. “I’ve got Twizzlers, Swedish Fish, Hershey’s Kisses, and a couple of chick flicks.”

  No matter how many Twizzlers or Swedish Fish I eat, I can’t stop thinking about Brad.

  “Oh, and I almost forgot, I picked up your favorite ice cream.”

  When she pulls out Liana’s Double Chocolate Brownie, I practically lose it.

  ***

  It’s day ten without Brad. The pain isn’t going away. If anything, it’s getting worse. I have so much freaking work to do and don’t feel like doing any
thing. I’m deleting messages without even listening to them and I’m making sticky note puzzles on my desk.

  Robby finally calls me into his office and I panic. I’m afraid he’s on to me and I’m going to get fired. When I walk in, he’s got his hands behind his head and his feet up on his desk, looking the opposite of what I expected. “Gabby, sit down, dahling, you look like you need a chair.” Then he pauses. “What’s going on with you? You haven’t been yourself lately. Is there anything I can do, sweetheart?”

  “No, thanks, Robby. I’ve just got a lot going on right now.”

  He nods sympathetically. “Yes, by a lot going on you mean a guy, don’t you?”

  “Kind of.”

  “Gabby, honey. There’s either a yes or a no, there’s no kind of.”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, let me know if you there’s anything I can do. In the meantime, shake it off and get that cute little head wrapped around my sticky notes.”

  When I get back to my desk, I grab my coffee, hoping it will revitalize me, and go to the lunch room to heat it up, though hot or cold, it still tastes like shit. I plunk back down in my chair and manage to make it through a good chunk of Robby’s to-do list. I type reports all morning, which is pretty mindless, so it gives me a much-needed break. At lunchtime, though, thoughts of Brad are unavoidable. The receptionist arrives at my cubicle with a dozen lavender tiger lilies that were delivered for me, with a card attached.

  Gabby,

  I told you I’d give you space, but I never said I wouldn’t fill your space with flowers.

  Brad

  My heart swells. He’s thinking about me. He hasn’t given up on me.

  It’s hard not to stare at the flowers throughout the day. They’re so damn happy. Just like Brad. They’re also my favorite color. He remembered. The smell pervades my office and makes it difficult to concentrate. What the hell? I couldn’t concentrate anyway. Who am I fooling?

  ***

  The days march forward, and the flower deliveries keep coming. On day two, yellow sunflowers. On day three, pink chrysanthemums. On day four, red gerbera daisies. Every day there’s a new note and I have to do everything in my power not to break down and call Brad.

  By the end of the week, it looks like a botanical garden in here, and I can’t help but smile. At this point, I’m nervously twiddling my fingers in anticipation of today’s flower delivery, but it never comes. Instead, after lunch, a kid in a baseball cap wearing a red cape stands beside my cubicle, holding a cup with The Brew House logo on the side and a bag of Twizzlers. I smile. Of course I smile. I wonder how much Brad had to pay him to wear the cape.

  By now, I’m prepared with tip money. He hands me the cup and Twizzlers and waves goodbye. The cup holds a piping hot Salted Caramel Mocha and the Twizzlers have an envelope taped to the side.

  Dear Gabby,

  It’s been fifteen days of no special coffee for you. I was afraid you might be going through withdrawal. Although it can’t be nearly as bad as the withdrawal I’m going through without you. I miss you, baby.

  Brad

  My heart hurts. I miss him so much I can hardly stand it. There’s a part of me that wants to reach out to him, but I’m so scared. I notice a longer note folded inside the card; my hands shake a little as I open it.

  Dear Gabby,

  There are some things I need to say to you. I didn’t want to put this in a letter, but you’re leaving me no choice.

  I know you’re scared. I’m scared, too. I know you feel like everyone in your life has let you down. People walk away from you just because, or they’re pulled from your life unexpectedly. That’s not me, Gabby. I’m not walking away from you. Ever. There’s no way that will happen. Do you want to know why, Gabby? I’ve never felt this way before about anyone. The moment I think about you, I smile. When you’re near me, I feel calm. I can relax. I can be myself. I feel acceptance. You let me be me. I know I’m crazy sometimes, but with you it’s okay. God, Gabby, it’s so hard to put all this into words, because sometimes there are no words. You’ve shined a light on me, exposed me, left me bare. I’m not embarrassed, though, because I feel free.

  People have left me too, Gabby. Important people. My mom, my sister, even my dad. The people in my life that I trusted, that I thought would be there for me always. Family isn’t supposed to do that, right? So, I get it. I know what you’re feeling. I want to prove to you that I’m different, if you’ll let me. I’m not like everyone else in your life. I accept you, Gabby. I’ll never judge you and I don’t expect you to be anything you’re not. Just be you. That’s all I want. That’s all I’ll ever want.

  I want you to be happy, truly happy. I thought being with me made you happy. I know you make me happy. A sense of contentment washes over me when I’m when you. You arouse all of my senses. You make things real for me. You see me in a way no one else has, or has ever wanted to. It’s almost like you opened up a window that I’ve been banging against for so long…screaming and clawing and trying to get out. Yet, that day you walked into my shop, you simply opened the latch and I poured out. Every bit of my heart and soul was exposed. I wasn’t scared. I’m not scared with you.

  I know I’m asking you to take a chance and trust me, but I promise you, it’ll be worth it. We’re worth it. The possibilities are endless when we’re together, Gabby. I feel it, and I know you do, too. Please don’t let your fear and your guilt overwhelm how you feel when we’re together. Give me the chance to show you I’m not like everyone else. I care about you so much.

  Even though I feel like I’m breaking apart inside right now, I’ll continue to give you space. I’m not giving up on you, though. I won’t give up when I’ve found the one person who truly makes me feel like a superhero. You make me feel like I can leap tall buildings, like I can take on anything that life throws my way. I feel invincible as long as you’re by my side.

  Please don’t give up on us. Think about me. Because I’ll be thinking about you.

  Love,

  Brad

  Fran comes into my room later that night with anxious eyes. “More flowers today?”

  “No. Coffee, Twizzlers, and a letter.”

  “What did it say?” She holds her hand out for the letter and I rifle through my purse to find it. As she reads it, she shakes her head.

  “What, Fran?” I don’t know why I’m asking, I already know what she’s going to say.

  “What do you mean, what?! He’s fucking crazy about you, Gabby. For the love of God, get your head out of your ass and tell him you feel the same way.”

  “It’s not that simple, Fran.”

  “Bullshit, Gabby. It is.” She tosses the letter at me and gives me an encouraging pat on the back. “It’s simple if you just let go.”

  After Fran leaves, I lay in bed, exhausted and craving sleep. My brain is wide awake, though, filled with jumbled thoughts. I feel my insides crumbling and my walls along with them. It’s getting harder to keep them up. Brad’s making it very difficult for me. He just won’t give up. There’s a part of me, deep down, that doesn’t want him to. So many other people in my life have given up, and I realize now that it scares me most to think that he might, too. All my life, I’ve wanted someone to accept me and when I finally find another someone who does, I push him away. Yet, he keeps coming back. How can I not try to trust him, the way he’s trusted me? I want to, I really do, but the fear is overwhelming. I close my eyes to find relief and am drawn into sleep.

  I see him. Clark. He’s surrounded by the glow of a beautiful white light. The brightness of it blinds my eyes. I keep walking until I reach the edge of the light. I can go no further, something stops me from crossing into the light. He stops me. He doesn’t say anything, though. He just looks down at the ground. This is my chance to tell him. I need to tell him. The tears are welling up in my eyes, but I can’t let that stop me. I take a deep breath.

  “I miss you so much, Clark. It’s so hard to believe you’re not here anymore. Everywhere I go, I hea
r your voice, I smell you, I feel your touch. I long to see you, to talk with you, to hold you again. I miss the way you held my hand when we walked on the beach. The way you laughed when you got really nervous. The way you kissed me and held onto me like I was the air you needed to breathe. The way the world fell away when you looked at me. The way you could heal me with a simple touch, a glance, a smile. I loved you, Clark. I’ll always love you, and I promise I’ll never forget you. You’ll always hold a special place in my heart.”

  He finally lifts his eyes to me, and I see the tears rolling down his cheeks, falling away into the surrounding light. “I loved you, Gabby, so much. You were the light that brightened my life, my heart, my soul. Your spirit wrapped around me and warmed me. I thought we’d be together forever, but God had other plans for me. I’m just grateful that you weren’t in the car with me that night. You’re alive. Go live your life. Let yourself feel. Be happy. Let yourself love. Find someone who will hold your heart.

  You’re with me, Gabby, in my heart. Your love surrounds me always. And someday, when you’ve seen an endless array of those sunsets that you love so much, I’ll see you again.”

  He blows me a kiss, turns to the luminous white light, and is swept away.

  A knock awakens me. Fran cracks the door open and sees the tears streaming down my cheeks. She sits next to me on the bed, holding my hand lovingly and then pressing it to her cheek.

  With a shaky voice, I say, “I saw Clark. He seemed so real. I told him how much I loved him, and I said goodbye. I loved him so much, Fran.”

  “I know you did, sweetie, and he loved you.” She kisses my hand and smoothes my hair.

  “But I miss Brad. I miss him so much it hurts. I…I love him, Fran. I love Brad.”