by Lisa Suzanne
He picks up the nearly empty pint glass he set on the bar and proceeds to hurl it directly at me.
It’s not the first time a glass has been thrown at me, actually. He’s drunk enough that he thinks he threw it like a major-league pitcher, but in reality, it’s fairly clumsy. I move to the right, and the glass smashes against the countertop behind me, shattering into a million tiny shards.
“We’re done here,” I say. Ben looks up from the drink he’s mixing on the other side of the bar, and we make eye contact. I nod toward the drunk guy almost imperceptibly, and Ben nods back. I head back toward my office, because if I have to spend another minute talking to this fucking jackass, I might smash his face in, and that’s not me.
Not anymore.
I flash back briefly to the days when I was an angry teenager with little direction and no strong fatherly presence in my life. I’ll forever be grateful to my aunt and uncle, Carlton and Karoline King, for taking me under their wing every summer and pointing me in the right direction.
Just as I’m about to make my way through the doors, I feel someone grab my arm at the elbow. I whirl around, ready to fucking knock this asshole’s teeth in, but it’s Brandie, one of our regular customers in the weeknight crowd.
“I saw what you did back there,” she says. She slides her fingertips from my elbow up my arm and gives my bicep a squeeze. She makes a little “ooh” sound when she squeezes, and then she looks up at me through her heavily made-up lashes.
I heave out a sigh. I already know what’s coming. Could this night get any fucking worse?
“I noticed your little girlfriend isn’t around tonight. Does that mean you’re available?”
“No, Brandie, it doesn’t.”
She sticks out her lower lip in an attempt at a pout, but she’s had one or two more drinks than she should have. I swear, this is why I take Mondays off.
I cross my arms over my chest and she tugs at them. “Take me back into your office with you.”
“For what?”
She leans in close, and her overbearing flowery perfume attacks my nostrils.
“For sex,” she says, her voice breathless.
“Brandie, you know I’m not going to have sex with you.”
“Then a blowjob.”
“No.”
“But you’re all alone.” She’s not taking the hint. Her hand still rests on my bicep, and she swings herself around so she’s directly in front of me. She scratches her long fingernails against my cheek. “I don’t want you to be all alone. I could keep you company.”
“Thanks, but I’m in a relationship.”
“Doesn’t that make it even more exciting?”
“No, it really doesn’t. Excuse me. I have work to do.” I detangle myself from her grasp.
“I could be that work you do.”
“It’s a nice offer, but no.”
I turn and walk through the door to the back room, and just for good measure, I lock it behind me.
Just another night at The Port.
Now to find that scotch and those cigarettes…
CHAPTER 14
EMME
I’m lying in Axel’s bed after he walked me home. I guess if even talking about breaking up will make me violently ill, it’s not what I want. I briefly debate texting James to cancel our coffee meeting tomorrow, but I don’t want to cancel it. It’s just two old friends catching up, nothing more. There’s nothing wrong with that.
I guess if I don’t want to tell Axel about it, something’s maybe a little wrong with it, but I’m too damn tired to care right now. I’m in and out of sleep, restless as I wait for him to come back home. He said he had some things to do at The Port, and I told him I was fine.
When he gets home, he sidles up beside me and presses a kiss to my temple. “How’re you feeling?”
“Like roadkill.”
“Your face got really pale right before you tossed it.”
“I don’t want to break up, Axel.”
“I know, babe. We’ll figure things out. Get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
I want to sleep, but the whole talking tomorrow thing has my mind on high alert. He’s going to want to talk, and he’ll expect me to be around at noon—but I won’t be. Besides, what if I don’t feel any better in the morning?
Eventually I drift, but I don’t sleep well. I toss and turn as our conversation runs through my mind. Does he want to be just friends? Or did he just say that because he doesn’t know what else to do? Is he testing me, pushing me to see how far I’ll bend? Or have I finally pushed him into not wanting to be with me anymore? I don’t know if that would surprise me at this point.
Things aren’t any clearer in the morning, especially after a rough night’s sleep. Axel sleeps soundly beside me, and I turn over to look at him. He’s handsome, though he hides it behind his beard. He’s got these full lips and high cheekbones and square jaw, and I’ve wondered what he would look like without the beard. His dark eyes always hold a bit of mystery and a bit of mischief, and it’s the combination that first got me into his bed.
We’d been working together for nearly a year and a half before we slept together. We did the whole friends first thing and spent a lot of time together at work. A sexual undercurrent of flirtation and undeniable chemistry always passed between us, but we didn’t actually have sex until Axel’s twenty-eighth birthday. We’d kissed a few times, but it never amounted to more than that until it did, and we became inseparable after that.
The last few months—probably around the time Courtney and Carter started getting serious—he’s been pressing for more as I’ve been slowly backing away. I’m not sure why the thought of a future with him scares me so much, but the thought of a future without him scares me just as much.
At some point, I have to choose. Things have come to a head now, but the reason I got violently ill in his office yesterday wasn’t because of the threat of us ending things.
I think it had more to do with the fish tacos, to be honest.
I get out of bed and take a hot shower. I’m solo for the entire shower, and I use the time to reflect. The shit I went through with Declan is in the past. I need to allow myself to move forward. My therapist, Dr. Mindy, had been encouraging me to move forward just before I stopped seeing her. She’s a professional, and maybe she’s right.
Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing for me to step back into her office, either, but I got tired of her telling me to live in the present. I’ll live wherever the hell I want to live, and I don’t need to pay someone to tell me otherwise.
I think all the way back to James. I don’t know now if what we shared was love, but I’ve spent an awful lot of time putting my relationship with him up on this huge pedestal. It’s not fair; it wasn’t fair to Declan when I compared him to James, but I was ready to settle for him anyway. It’s certainly not fair to Axel, who actually probably treats me better than James did all those years ago; it’s hard to tell considering my relationship with James was in high school. Who knows where we’d be now if he hadn’t moved to a different country?
I wouldn’t even be thinking about James right now if he hadn’t shown up when he did. While he was hard to get over, eventually I did.
So why am I meeting him for coffee today? I can’t tell if it was just a spur-of-the-moment poor decision or if I think something’s going to happen because of it.
I feel better after the shower. As I dry off, I realize I’m no closer to any answers than I was before my shower, but at least I’m cleaner.
I leave a note for Axel on his kitchen counter and leave well over an hour before I need to meet James. I’m not avoiding Axel, exactly, but if I don’t talk to him before I see James, I’ll definitely feel less guilt.
Meeting a friend for coffee. Be back around two. XO
I walk to The Port and get an Uber from there to head home, where I grab my own car so I’m not at the mercy of finding a ride. By the time I get home, run to the store for some vitamins since
I still don’t feel top notch, and drive to Gaslamp, I’m nearly running late. I park and walk three blocks to Beans and Things, and James is already sitting at a table with a cup of coffee. He’s scrolling his phone, and I take a second to study him before he sees me.
I can’t help the comparison my mind makes.
Of the two, Axel looks more suited to play in a band. He looks like a rock star with his beard and his dark eyes. He’s tall and lean, always in jeans and a t-shirt with Vans on his feet. James is less rock star and more…businessman. He’s tall and lean, too, but he’s a little softer, a little milder. He’s got blue eyes and this lush, thick dark blond hair. Both men are sweet and kind, but James looks it while Axel looks intimidating. James is my past, and Axel is my present. I’m just not sure which man—if either—is the one who will be part of my future.
James must feel my gaze on him, because he suddenly looks up at me.
“Hey,” he says. He continues to scroll his phone even though I’ve arrived.
I step closer to him. “Hey.”
He finally sets his phone facedown on the table and turns his blue eyes on me. I glance away from him because his gaze is unnerving.
“I’m just gonna grab a drink. Need anything?” I ask.
He shakes his head, and I walk up to the counter to place my order. I didn’t feel nervous until I saw him, but now I’m a bundle of stress.
I order just a plain green tea because I’m not sure my stomach can handle anything fancier, and once I have my order, I sit down across from James…who’s back on his phone. I clear my throat, and he finally notices I’ve joined him.
He grins at me. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
An awkward beat passes between us. This was his idea, not mine.
He chuckles to fill the quiet space between us, and I take a sip of my scalding hot tea.
“Tea?” he asks, nodding to my cup.
“Yeah, I haven’t been feeling well.”
He looks momentarily grossed out, like whatever I have might be contagious, but he masks it quickly. “Is everything okay? We can meet another time if you need to go home.”
I shake my head. It was hard enough getting here today; I’m not sure I can do it again. “I’m fine.”
“Okay.” He nods. “So…”
I smile tightly. “So.”
“So what’s new with you?”
I shrug. “Nothing’s new with me, really, but I guess it would all be news to you since we haven’t seen each other in a while.”
“What was senior year like?”
“God, it feels like so long ago. It was hard, James. I thought about you all the time. I wished you were there. If I went to a football game, my shoulder was cold because your arm wasn’t around it. If I went to a dance, I sat by myself while everyone got up because every song reminded me of you. If there was a party at Adam Henley’s house, I stayed home because I couldn’t imagine sitting alone on that couch where we made out so many times. It wasn’t how I imagined my senior year.”
His eyes are on me as I talk, but I’m finding it hard to look directly into them. Something deep inside me feels like I’m betraying Axel by even being here today.
“Mine was hard, too. I had to make new friends, meet new people, start a whole new life, and all I wanted was to be back here with you.”
“But you were in a new place, a new country. New adventures. It’s always easier for the one who leaves than it is for the one who’s left behind.”
“Didn’t feel that way.” He lets out a mirthless laugh.
“So bass?” I ask, changing the subject. “Why not guitar?”
He shrugs and smirks. “My parents made me pick up a hobby, but I wanted to be different. I told you I picked up music because of you, but the deep frequency of the songs was always the part that spoke to me the loudest. So, I picked something that reminded me of you but that still represented me.”
“I appreciate you saying it has anything to do with me.”
“It’s the truth.”
“How’s your family?” I dodge his compliment.
“My parents are still in Germany. I came back when my little sister finished high school and wanted to come here for college.”
“Did you go to college in Germany?”
He nods. “Berlin. I studied music theory.”
I raise a brow at that. “What made you choose that?”
He shrugs. “I like my art.”
“What does one do with a music theory degree?”
He chuckles. “Not much, actually. Teach music or play it. The history of music became my passion. It’s an art, and my instrument is my paintbrush.”
I’m not sure how to politely phrase the question I really want to ask, so I just go for it. “Do you do anything else? Or just the band?”
“Digital Shade does well. I have a side job for a delivery service, but someday I will quit that. DS has the potential to go wide, and with Braden’s business sense and my artistry, we’re sure to hit the big time.”
“You guys were great,” I say, deflecting his high praise of himself. I notice how much I’m deflecting the things he says. Was he always this arrogant?
“I felt that. It was the type of show where I harnessed the energy and when I got home, I played for hours by myself, working and perfecting my craft.”
“Do you do that often?” I try to imagine, just for a minute, that we’re together, that he’s my boyfriend. Instead, a strange image comes into my mind of him sitting naked on a chair with just his bass guitar draped over his lap. I wonder if he gets involved with women these days or if he’s too obsessed with his music to bother. I also wonder if he’s interested in women anymore or if he makes the time—or if he wants to get some and figured I was an easy sell since we’ve had sex in the past.
It was a past long ago, though, and the more I sit here, the more thankful I am to have a man like Axel in my life.
“Pretty much nightly, after the party ends.” He swings his head to the side to readjust his hair, and I can’t help but think this isn’t the same person who left me heartbroken when he moved to Germany all those years ago.
“What party?”
He shrugs. “Whatever party is going on. Usually leaving someone’s bed. Guys in decently successful bands don’t have a terrible time finding someone to keep their bed warm, if you know what I mean.” He winks at me, and I’m honestly a little grossed out.
I change the subject—again. “I really liked your sound.”
“Most people do. We like to dub ourselves as eclectic.”
Most people do? Way to take a compliment, asshole.
“We’d love to have you back at The Port.”
“We?”
I shrug and glance away from those penetrating eyes before I sidestep the truth a bit. “My boss. He loves when we bring in bands that bring in crowds, and you’re making a name for yourself.”
“That reminds me, thanks for that article on that blog.”
“The girl who runs it is my best friend. She asked me to write a few articles and you happened to be playing that night.” I take a sip of my tea.
“Braden said we booked a bunch of upcoming gigs, so she must have incredible reach.”
“She does.”
“How’s your dad?” he asks, finally showing an interest in something other than his music.
I shrug. “He’s fine.”
I probably talk to him once a month. I guess either he or I could put in more effort, but we’re both busy people. He’s in pharmaceutical sales, and his job requires him to travel often. He’s never home, let alone in the same state as me, and I’m busy with work anyway.
Axel and I have talked about it. He knows how I feel about my relationship with my dad. James doesn’t. When James and I were together, I was living with my dad full time. My mom had passed during my sophomore year, and it’s only now I’m making the connection that maybe James had something to do with my healing process. He made me feel loved when I ne
eded it most, when I’d lost my mom and lived with a man who took more interest in work than in me. I suppose that easily contributed to the pedestal I put James on.
Now, though, I’m starting to wonder if he ever really belonged there.
“Why didn’t you call me?” I can’t help the question that slips out.
“When I moved to Germany?”
I shake my head. “No. I get why you didn’t call me when you moved—we both needed that clean break. I mean when you came back to town. Why didn’t you call me the second you were back?”
He shrugs. “I figured you’d moved on with your life. Haven’t you?”
“Yeah,” I concede. “But what if I hadn’t yet when you came back?”
“It wouldn’t have been fair of me to just walk back in.”
“You know what wasn’t fair? You moving to Germany when we were seventeen.” I can see how much it changed him now, and I wonder how much like his old self he’d be if he never moved. I wonder if we’d still be together or if I would’ve hindered his quest for the passion he has for music.
He presses his lips together and nods. “I know.”
We sit in awkward silence after that. We’re riding this weird line between getting to know each other and already knowing each other. He’s a different person—I am, too, without a doubt—but his eyes are still the same ones that looked upon me all those years ago. My heart is the same, but it seems to be somewhere else. I don’t know about his, though.
“I, um…I should get going,” I finally say—if nothing else, just to break the silence.
“Okay,” he says softly.
I stand, and he stands, too. I move to step around him toward the trashcan, and he leans toward me just as I pass him. He tugs my elbow, and I turn into him. Before I know what’s happening, he presses his lips to mine.
It’s so unexpected that I actually just stand shocked for a minute as our lips connect.
He doesn’t open his mouth. It’s a fairly innocuous kiss, almost like kissing an old friend, which is actually exactly what it is. I don’t feel the warmth spread through me like when Axel kisses me, but I do feel something spread through me.
