by Lisa Suzanne
Guilt.
A big, whopping, wet dose of guilt.
I didn’t even do anything—he’s the one who kissed me—but the guilt filters through my blood nonetheless. I felt it when I made this coffee date, but it was just a drop. Now it’s everywhere inside me.
I sit back down with my cup still in my hand, not sure what just happened or what to say or how to react.
He sits, too, and pierces me with his eyes from across the table. “I had to. I’m sorry.” I clear my throat, but before I can respond, he speaks again. “Are you seeing anybody?”
I rub my lips together like I just put on lipstick. “I, uh… It’s complicated. Yes, though—to answer your question. Yes, I’m seeing somebody.”
He looks away from me, but not before I spot the flash of disappointment.
I reach across the table and take his hands in mine, even though it feels inappropriate to do so—especially after that kiss.
That kiss told me everything I was looking to find out.
It’s not just his kiss. It’s not James; it has nothing to do with him. I just don’t want to kiss anybody except Axel. “James, it’s been a long time. We’re different people now.”
He nods. “I wish things were different.”
I wish I could say I want things to be different, too, because I do—just not with him. “I did for a long time, too, but eventually I had to move on.”
“I understand. I don’t know that I’ve ever moved on from you.”
He did, he just hasn’t realized it yet. He moved from me to music, and that’s his first love now. That’s not something I’m interested in competing with, especially because I realize now the things I was blind to before.
CHAPTER 15
EMME
Seeing James today has put an awful lot into perspective for me.
I’ve finally solidified my true feelings. I finally realize I want to be with Axel, and while I don’t want marriage right now, that doesn’t mean I’ll never want it.
I just don’t want our lives to change. I’m happy with the way things are. I realize those are famous last words, but I don’t see why anything has to be different. We’re good together. We’ve got this partnership at work going. The sex is incredible. We enjoy spending time together.
I just want the drama to stop, and after seeing James today, I think I have a way to help Axel feel comfortable with the direction of our relationship.
I can’t wait to get home and tell him. I don’t know how I’m going to tell him I met up with an ex and that’s what helped me realize some new things about our relationship, but maybe that information is better saved for later.
Axel has told me he loves me—not often, but more than once—and I’ve never said it back. I just wasn’t sure if I was there, but colliding with my past today has me realizing I don’t just want Axel in my future as a friend. I do love him. I love the way he protects me and adores me. I love who we are together when we’re both at our best. I love working with him and having fun with him. I love comfortable quiet with him at home and the loud shenanigans we get into at work. And it’s not just those things—I love his eyes that warm when they look at me. I love the way he’s aggressive in bed with me. I love his lips and his arms and his stories, but above all of that, I love his heart.
And it’s time for me to tell him how I feel.
When I get to his place, it’s half past one and I’m a nervous wreck. He should be home; he usually is, especially on Tuesdays. His car is there, but that doesn’t mean much. His car is nearly always there because pretty much everywhere we go is within walking distance.
“Axel?” I yell when I get inside.
Nothing.
It’s quiet. The only sound I hear is the hum of the air conditioner.
After all that, he’s not even home.
This isn’t something I want to do over text message, so I start the short walk over to The Port when a text message comes through on my phone.
Courtney: You busy?
Well, yes, actually. I am busy, but I don’t say that.
Me: Maid of honor at your service.
Courtney: Can you come over? I need your musical talents.
Me: On my way.
I stop heading toward The Port and spin around to head for Courtney’s. I need to see Axel, but I’m not certain where he is.
When I get to Courtney’s, her mom is there and Court is more frazzled than I’ve ever seen her. I almost giggle because the scene is so comical. Courtney’s hair is a frizzy mess, and her mom is on the floor in the midst of about a million bridal magazines.
“Oh, honey, what about centerpieces? Look at these!”
Courtney rolls her eyes at me with her back to her mom. “Help!” she mouths at me, and then I actually do giggle. If there’s anybody who can distract me from my own current mess, it’s Courtney and Lori.
“Mrs. Sanders, I’m pretty sure Westlake provides centerpieces,” I say.
“They do? Courtney, get me the contract again so I can take another look.”
“Mom, they do. Dinner, tablecloths, chair covers, centerpieces, lighting, and wine are all included.”
“What about flowers?”
“Emme has a florist connection, right Emme?” Courtney pokes my elbow.
“Right. My friend owns a floral shop and promised me a rush order.”
“That’s so nice!” Lori exclaims. I watch as she wipes her eyes—apparently being emotional is sort of going around lately.
“So you need musical help?” I ask Courtney.
“Yes. The band we hired suggested we give them a playlist of what we want plus the important songs like first dance and all that. Carter and I don’t really have very many songs except for a few Taylor Swift ones, but that’s more him than me, so I don’t have any ideas for the ceremony or the reception.”
“I’ve got you covered there. Did the band give you something to fill out?”
She nods. “We have two bands, actually. One for instrumental dinner music and one for dancing.” She disappears into the pile of bridal magazines then emerges a few seconds later with a folder and hands it to me.
“So consider music done.” I take the folder from her. “What else do you need?”
“Invitations have been sent, the food and cake are done, reception is taken care of, and my dress is on its way.”
“Colors?” I ask.
“Navy and gold.”
“How many other bridesmaids will there be?”
Courtney shakes her head. “Just you.”
“No one else?”
“There’s no one else I’d want up there, Ems. Just my best friend.”
“And Axel?”
She nods. “Carter is kind of like me when it comes to letting people in, just for different reasons.”
I get it. Carter comes from a very wealthy family, and I’m sure it’s hard to know who wants to be friends with you for you and who wants to be friends with you because of your name. He’s related to Axel on his mother’s side; his mom and Axel’s mom are sisters, so Axel isn’t heir to the King family company. That role belongs to Carter’s brother, Carson.
“Why isn’t his brother best man?”
Courtney shrugs. “His brother’s busy with work and lives in New York. Carter wanted someone local to help with the details.”
I suddenly wonder if I’ll be meeting Axel’s family at Courtney and Carter’s wedding. We haven’t done family introductions yet, mostly because, as I pointed out when Axel wanted to introduce me to his family, we were keeping things casual. Now, though, we’re not keeping things casual…especially not after the revelations I had today.
It’s a little unnerving, now that I think about it. Not only will I physically be walking down the aisle arm in arm with Axel in a few days, I’ll also be meeting his family. While I’m confident in my love for him, those are still two things I’m not exactly ready for.
Even so, time isn’t going to slow down just because I’m not ready for i
t.
“You want lunch while you’re here?” Courtney asks.
I glance at my phone to check the time. It’s two o’clock now, and I realize I haven’t eaten anything today…and I don’t feel hungry in the slightest. “I’m okay,” I say. My stomach still doesn’t feel exactly right after the tacos and subsequent mess I made of Axel’s trashcan.
I sit at the kitchen table and set to work on the song list while Courtney and her mom sit at her coffee table eating sandwiches. I block out their voices and focus on the task at hand, using my phone to help me come up with some good songs that I think speak to my best friend and her future husband. It’s easy choosing songs for them because they live their love loudly.
When I’m done, I hand the song sheet over to Courtney. She barely glances at it before she hugs me hard. “You’re a lifesaver.” She lowers her voice to a barely audible whisper. “Want to stay and save me from my mom?”
I giggle. “If you need help with something, I’m here for you, but I really need to find Axel.”
She backs up and looks at me with furrowed brows. “Need to? Is everything okay?”
I nod and smile. “Yeah. We’re gonna be just fine.” If I can freaking find him to talk to him, that is.
“You’re dismissed for now. I’ll text you if I need anything else, but I think we’re pretty well set.”
“I should hope so. You’ve only got a week and a half left.”
“It’s coming together so fast. I know I’m forgetting some important detail, but whatever. As long as Carter’s there and I’m there, that’s all that matters.”
I smile at my friend. She’s grown up so much in the past few months, has really come into the person I always knew was in there, and it’s because she found the other half of her heart.
It’s funny how I can see it when I look at someone else, but I refuse to see what’s right in front of me in my own life.
I text Axel as soon as Courtney’s door clicks shut behind me.
Me: Where are you?
Axel: The Port
I don’t respond. Instead, I just head right to the man to let him know how I feel.
CHAPTER 16
EMME
“Have a seat,” Axel says, nodding to the chair across from him. His office smells better, I note, but his desk is still a mess.
“Are you busy?”
He shrugs. “I’m always busy since I bought this place. There’s a lot more to owning a bar than just serving drinks.”
“I know,” I say, a little surprised at his belittling tone. I’ve been by his side through the whole transition, so it’s a little out of left field that he’s talking to me like this.
“What can I do for you?”
“Why are you treating me like a colleague?”
He presses his lips together. “How do you want me to treat you?”
“Like your girlfriend, maybe?”
He raises his brows. “My girlfriend. Huh.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He sighs and runs his hand over his slicked back hair. “I don’t know, Emme. Why don’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“Why do you suddenly want me to treat you like my girlfriend when you’re the one who doesn’t want to label what we have?”
“That’s a little harsh, Axel. Just because I don’t want to label it doesn’t mean we can’t treat each other like more than coworkers.”
“Are we more than that?”
“Of course we are!”
“Really? Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it—not anymore.”
“What changed from last night to right now?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you were so sweet last night. You took care of me. You made me feel loved. Now you’re acting like none of that happened. We’re right back to where we were yesterday before I threw up in your garbage can.”
“I had to throw the whole can out, by the way. To get rid of the smell.”
“Well I’m sorry I got sick. What’s your problem?”
He looks down at his desk and closes one of the open notebooks, and then he draws in a fortifying breath. “Something happened yesterday before you got here. I wanted to talk to you about it, but I was so mad at you, and then you got sick. I figured we’d talk this morning, but you were already gone when I got up. Fucking gone. Again.” I feel a stab of guilt in my gut because I was off meeting with my ex-boyfriend when Axel was waiting to talk to me. “But now’s convenient for you, right? So let’s talk because you have the time now.”
“What happened?” I ask, completely alarmed at the sudden direction of this conversation that I was not expecting when I came here.
“Does it really matter?” He looks down at some of the paperwork on his desk.
I know this is selfish to even think, but I hate it that he’s looking at the paperwork instead of me. I realize I walked in here and interrupted him while he’s working, but I want to know what happened. I want to figure out how to make things right, because I love him, and he deserves to know how I feel.
I stand and step around the desk. I push Axel’s chair back and sit on his desk, right there on top of his papers in front of him.
“Talk to me, Ax.”
He slides his hands up the sides of my thighs but stops short. He looks up into my eyes. His are hooded and angry.
“Kasey kissed me.”
I push up off the desk, and his hands go to his lap.
“That bitch!” Anger filters through my veins. “When?” I demand.
“Yesterday before you got here.”
“Fuck!” I pace like a caged animal. “She served me drinks like nothing happened!” I abruptly stop my pacing and harden my gaze on Axel. “Did you kiss her back?”
His eyes dart down to the floor, and that’s my answer. When he looks up, he’s looking for an answer. When he looks down, he’s avoiding the truth.
“You did. You kissed her back.”
He sighs and doesn’t acknowledge what I said. He runs a hand over his beard. “It just sort of…happened.”
“Yeah? Over a few empty bottles and dirty glasses on the counter, her lips just happened to catch yours?” I resume my pacing.
He shakes his head. “It wasn’t at the bar.”
“Oh, lovely. So it was back here? In this very office, maybe?”
“Do you really want the details?”
“You better believe I want every fucking detail.”
“Why do you even care? It’s not like you were here kissing me.”
“That’s a cheap shot, Axel. You know I’ve been busy, and it just got worse because of the wedding.”
“Don’t blame Courtney and Carter’s wedding for the way you’ve been treating me.”
I stop my pacing again. “How the hell did this become about me? You’re the one who kissed someone else!”
He stands, and I have the sudden urge to hit him. I lift my hand to smack him across the face, but he catches my wrist before I can land the blow. His eyes soften on me like they have so many times before, but instead of the usual affection I expect to see from him, he just looks spent. “She kissed me.” His voice is firm and hard, devoid of emotion.
“But you didn’t stop it.”
“Is it really so wrong of me to want to feel some warmth from someone for a change? Is it really so wrong for me to like the fact that someone is showing an interest in me? The girl who doesn’t call herself my girlfriend certainly hasn’t been. To be honest, Emme, it was kind of nice to feel wanted for a change.”
His words hit me so hard that I actually stumble back a step. He drops my wrist, and I feel like I’m going to be sick again. I won’t do it in here, though, not in front of Axel. So instead, I spit out my parting words for the evening. “Then you can fuck off and kiss her again.”
I run out of his office, out the back door, and get sick into the hedges in the back alley next to the employee parking lot.
*
I’m so emotional right now. I don’t know where this is coming from, these emotional highs and lows, like I’m on some kind of swing. One minute I’m ecstatically happy, and the next I’m so angry I can’t even control it.
I eat some crackers and drink some Sprite, but my otherwise very empty stomach still feels all sorts of wrong.
I turn on the television, but everything seems to remind me of Axel. I turn it off, and I remember I promised Courtney I’d write some more guest posts for the blog. I’m hoping that’ll help take my mind off Axel, but instead, as I sit at my laptop and stare at the blank screen, I realize writing about the situation and getting some other input might be exactly what I need to help myself feel better.
COURTING SANDY EGGO
posted by Courtney Sanders
by guest author Emme Ford
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
The guy I’m dating admitted to me that another woman kissed him yesterday.
I’ll admit it, I can be a little frigid at times. I’m selfish, and I’m scared to get into a serious relationship because I’ve been so badly hurt in the past. I know many of you can relate to that.
I’ll protect his name, so for the purpose of this article, let’s just call him Joe. Joe and I have been fairly exclusively dating for about six months, but I refuse to label it. What we have works—or at least I thought it did—and I don’t want things to change. Joe, however, feels differently. He wants us to move forward, to get married, to have kids and a dog and a house, but these are things I wrote off a long time ago. I can get on board with the dog, and even the house, but what if we break up? Who gets the dog? Courtney was devastated when she and Harrison broke up—not because they broke up, but because he got the dog.
